COUNT FAGULA

PROLOGUE

(The stage is black; a voice is heard in the darkness)

COUNT FAGULA: There was a time before the darkness came . . . (lights up, flashing as if lightning were striking; he shields his eyes) . . . that I was exactly like you. (Blackout) The darkness fell, and so did I . . . (lights up, flashing again; he lays with another man; he directs the next line half at the man beside him and half at the audience) . . . I was a man like you.

(Blackout; theme music plays as lightning flashes on the two men laying together; as it continues Count Fagula eventually rises and exits upstage left; lights eventually come up enough to reveal a dead man on stage, then go to blackness again)

SCENE ONE

(Lights up on passengers in an airplane; a stewardess is at the front of the cabin, acting out the captain’s words for the passengers)

CAPTAIN: May I have your attention, please? This is your captain speaking. Please leave your seat belts on and remain seated until we’ve ascended safely. Thank you for following all of our recommended safety precautions. Now that we’re done with our layover in Minneapolis, we are headed to our final destination of Pittsburgh, where you can make a number of connecting flights. Those of you who are traveling further east to the hinterlands of Pennsylvania will find busses and other travel options available at the airport. We hope you enjoyed your stay in the Twin Cities and hope you have a good flight. Thank you for flying with us.

JONATHAN: Why did we stop in Minneapolis? It was out of the way for a trip to Pennsylvania.

PASSENGER: So you could enjoy the lefse. Regional cuisine. A real treat.

STEWARDESS (with headphones): Muzak?

JONATHAN: I don’t know that I’d call that a treat.

PASSENGER: That was sarcasm. Heavy sarcasm.

JONATHAN (nervously): Oh.

PASSENGER: Minneapolis deserves it.

JONATHAN: Lefse?

PASSENGER: Lefse station, without the conductor.

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

PASSENGER: Lefse station. It was a joke. Get it?

JONATHAN (to the Stewardess): No.

PASSENGER: Lefse station . . . wissout a conductor. It was humor.

JONATHAN: Oh, I see.

PASSENGER: You deserved it. (Pause) Mini Apple. Mini mind. Mini things on many minds. Mini, mini, ha-hah . . . Mini-

PASSENGER & STEWARDESS: [Sota.] [Soda?]

JONATHAN (to Stewardess): What? No, I don’t . . . (to Passenger) I don’t . . . (Passenger glares at him) . . . Never mind. (Beat) So, what was with all the cowboys? In Minnesota? I don’t get it.

PASSENGER: Cowboys?

OTHER PASSENGER: Vikings rule!

JONATHAN: At the airport. I thought Minnesota was farm country, lake country, something, not cowboys. I wasn’t expecting cowboys. That’s the west.

PASSENGER: They think they are who they believe they are. It’s America. Everything’s a myth.

JONATHAN: Myth?

STEWARDESS: Yes? (Beat) Newspaper? Magazine?

PASSENGER: It’s a theme. One big stupid theme park.

JONATHAN: Huh?

PASSENGER: I’m talking philosophy. Homespun. Folk.

STEWARDESS: Drink? Get drunk?

(Pause)

JONATHAN: You know what? I think I need to sleep. I have a long journey ahead of me.

PASSENGER: Don’t we all . . . metaphorically . . . have long journeys?

JONATHAN: I don’t think I have a pillow.

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

JONATHAN: Yes, please.

STEWARDESS: I’m out.

PASSENGER: You don’t like me. I’m too honest. Brutal.

JONATHAN: Truthfully, I . . .

PASSENGER: Stop! I hate that word. Truthfully. No one wants the truth. No one. Honestly.

JONATHAN: I think I’m going to move over by that man. There’s an empty seat, with a pillow.

(Beat)

PASSENGER: Cute, isn’t he?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

PASSENGER: You think so.

JONATHAN: Are you suggesting . . .

PASSENGER: I saw the way you walk. I hear the way you talk. You’ve got the gay thing going on.

JONATHAN: I have a fiancée. How dare you suggest . . .

PASSENGER: Like I said, no one likes the truth. Honestly. No one.

JONATHAN: Well, you’re right about that, so . . . uh . . . so . . . How about . . . Your breath smells like, like . . . I can’t do this. I don’t know—garlic. Forget it. I’m moving next to that good-looking . . . I’m . . . You’re . . . I’m leaving. I’m going over there.

PASSENGER (as Jonathan moves away): Fag.

STEWARDESS: Nuts?

JONATHAN: No thanks.

PASSENGER: I want some. Don’t we all?

(Jonathan moves as the lights fade to black and the Captain speaks; the Stewardess acts out his words again)

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude. You are free to move about the cabin. We’ll be arriving at our destination just on the dark side of twilight.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

CAPTAIN: Please enjoy the remainder of your trip and thanks again for flying with us.

(Lights are black)

SCENE TWO

(Lights up on the Gold Tiara Hotel; enter the Grand Dame):

GRAND DAME (entering, with Old Man): I should have gone for the nice little house on Park Place instead of buying the hotel on Baltic. Don’t you think? This place is such a dive. And the rents are so cheap here. I can’t make a thing.

OLD MAN: You never could. Besides, I think the BO Railroad may have been more appropriate for you.

GRAND DAME: Well, aren’t we the smart one today? Wait, let me field that one. No. Not really. Must have forgotten the milk for your mental Wheaties this morning. Whatever. Anywho, no, dear, it’s not BO. It’s B and O. For me and you. Bitch and old fart.

OLD MAN: It was a joke.

GRAND DAME: Just like you, but not as lame.

OLD MAN: A bad joke.

GRAND DAME: Like I said. Besides, B & O for me, (holding thumb and index finger a short distance apart) Short Line or whatever for you—I guess that would be appropriate—there just ain’t no railroads big enough for our two tired old cabooses.

JONATHAN (entering): Good evening.

GRAND DAME (looking him over): It is indeed. Now it is indeed.

JONATHAN: I was told to come here for a room.

GRAND DAME: Don’t tell me. Jonathan Harder. Or at least one can hope.

JONATHAN: You’ve been expecting me?

GRAND DAME (flirtatiously): I was expecting someone, but I couldn’t have been expecting you.

JONATHAN: I’m not sure I follow you.

GRAND DAME: Honey, no one can follow me.

OLD MAN: She was expecting a troll.

GRAND DAME (to Old Man): So was someone’s mother, years ago, and look, she birthed it. (To Jonathan) Turn around now, dear.

JONATHAN: I don’t understand.

OLD MAN: Don’t try to. Just do as she says.

(Jonathan turns around)

GRAND DAME: Speaking of cabooses. Mm-mm, goo—ood.

JONATHAN: Excuse me?

GRAND DAME: Very nice. That’s all I’m saying. And of course I certainly do like the name. Yes, indeedy. A nice name.

JONATHAN: And you are?

OLD MAN: A cat in heat.

JONATHAN: It seems you two don’t like each other very well.

GRAND DAME: Honey, don’t think. Just be your own sweet little self. We love each other, but we do know each other too well. Don’t mind him. He’s just an old dog who can’t get new tricks.

JONATHAN: And once again, you are?

GRAND DAME: Moi? I’m so pleased you care. I’m the Grand Dame of the Gold Tiara Hotel. (Whispering suggestively) Welcome to my palace.

JONATHAN: Thank you. Then I have the right place. Was there a message left for me?

OLD MAN: Yes, a bus will be by to pick you up when the cock crows.

GRAND DAME: With luck, that could happen very soon.

OLD MAN: The driver will honk three times at most, and then leave. You must be ready.

JONATHAN: Could I have my key then? I think I need some sleep.

GRAND DAME (handing him a key): Here’s your key, but you really should party with your hosts a bit first. (Suggestively) You could stay up all night with me. That’s a guarantee.

JONATHAN: Well, I suppose a little fun can’t hurt.

(The three pantomime drinking, popping pills, smoking pot, and snorting cocaine in fast motion; suddenly, the Old Man and Grand Dame freeze, staring straight ahead; Jonathan turns to leave and speaks to himself as he’s exiting)

JONATHAN: They sure know how to party here.

(Lights fade on the two frozen hoteliers; a clock strikes one, lights up to full, then immediately to black; a clock strikes two, lights up to full, then to black; strikes three, lights, black; four, lights, black; five, lights, black; six, lights up on Grand Dame and Old Man, in the same position; Jonathan enters).

JONATHAN: Excuse me. (No response) Excuse me, has the bus come yet? (No response) I need to know the address of Count Fagula. I have to know where to tell the cabby to go. (No response) Hello! Hello in there! (No response) Why so mum? You were perfectly able to communicate with me last night. (No response) What are you hiding? (No response) Hello, don’t be afraid to speak. It’s just me. (No response; a horn sounds; he turns; the sound brings the Grand Dame to consciousness) Coming! (He starts to cross to the exit)

GRAND DAME (screaming): NO!!!!! Don’t go!! Don’t go!!! You can’t leave. You can’t go away. It’s not safe. You have to stay. You can’t leave me here!!!

JONATHAN: I’m sorry. My cab is here. It’s time. I have to go. Thanks for everything.

GRAND DAME: No!!!!! Stay one more day! You must. Don’t leave! You can’t. One more day! It’s evil out there. You can’t go! There’s evil in the air.

(Horn sounds again)

JONATHAN: Really, it’s time. I have business.

GRAND DAME: Well, then, do the Grand Dame a favor and at least take these.

(She gives him a handful of condoms)

JONATHAN: Okay, thanks.

GRAND DAME (taking one condom back): Wait. I should keep one. (She grabs another) Okay, maybe two. Be careful.

JONATHAN: I will. Thanks again.

(He exits; she shakes the Old Man until he wakes up)

GRAND DAME: Hey, Old Man, wake up.

OLD MAN: What?

GRAND DAME: Let’s go make some lovin’. I need someone, anyone, to be close to me right now.

OLD MAN: So where’d your good-looking young man go?

GRAND DAME: He left, like they all do. Like they always do. Like they always have.

(They start to exit upstage)

OLD MAN: Not exactly like they always have. It’s different now.

GRAND DAME: Different? How?

OLD MAN: They used to stay for the sex and the drugs. Now it’s just the drugs.

(They exit; blackout)

SCENE THREE

(Lights up on cab; Cabby is standing outside of the cab talking to the riders)

CABBIE: Fagula.

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer.

CABBIE: Poofter

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CABBIE: Rump ranger.

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CAB RIDER ONE: Fag.

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer.

CAB RIDER TWO: Lavender la-la.

CABBIE: What? You made that up yourself.

JONATHAN: Excuse me?

CAB RIDER TWO (under her breath): Poofter.

CABBIE (to Jonathan): What?

JONATHAN: I just heard a lot of words often repeated, queer words . . .

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

JONATHAN: . . . and I’m wondering what it’s all about.

CAB RIDER TWO: Nothing.

CABBIE: It was nothing. Small talk. Hop in.

JONATHAN (to Cabby): I’m going to the home of . . .

CABBIE: We know where you’re going. I was sent for you. We need to go now. Get in. (He does) We want to get there before it’s too late.

CAB RIDER TWO: Before the darkness.

JONATHAN: Darkness? It’s the first thing in the morning, and we’re only going a few miles, and who are these other people, by the way?

CAB RIDER ONE: Shared ride. It’s cheaper. I’m Cab Rider One.

CAB RIDER TWO: I’m Cab Rider Two.

CAB RIDER ONE: It’s sort of what you get with a shared ride. At least we’re not drunks throwing up on your lap. It could be worse.

CAB RIDER TWO: You would be Cab Rider Three.

JONATHAN: Actually, I’m Jonathan.

CAB RIDER TWO: Oooh, he gets a name. Fan-cy.

(Cabby takes off; bodies push back as if there is a tremendous G-force on them; lights fade to night during the following)

CAB RIDER TWO: It can take a while to get places.

JONATHAN: At this speed?

CAB RIDER ONE: We might have to pick up more passengers.

JONATHAN: Oh, for the love of . . .

CAB RIDER ONE: So, why are you going to the fag’s place?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

CAB RIDER TWO: Everybody knows he is.

CABBIE: Count Fagula.

JONATHAN: Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going there on business.

CAB RIDER TWO: Uh-uh.

JONATHAN: Hey, I’m not . . .

CAB RIDER TWO: Birds of a feather.

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, not exactly birds.

JONATHAN: I assure you I’m all man.

CAB RIDER ONE: Then you shouldn’t go. If that’s true.

JONATHAN: I must.

CAB RIDER TWO: Don’t.

JONATHAN: I must.

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, if you won’t take our advice, at least take this. (She puts a dental dam in Jonathan’s hand).

JONATHAN: What is this?

CAB RIDER ONE: It’s called a dental dam. Read the instructions and use it. It may protect you.

CAB RIDER TWO: And take this. Spermicide.

JONATHAN: But I’m not going to do anything . . . I’m engaged to be married.

CABBIE: He has his ways of seducing even the straightest. Hypnotic, almost.

CAB RIDER ONE: And here, one more thing.

(Hands him a crucifix)

JONATHAN: A crucifix?

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, it never hurts to accessorize.

JONATHAN: I’m not very religious.

(The cab screeches to a halt; it is night)

CABBIE: Oh, look, we’re here, at the drop-off point, and no one’s here to meet you. Oh, well, I guess we’ll take you back to town and bring you back another time. Let’s go.

COUNT FAGULA (in the darkness): Wait. I have been. And I am.

CAB RIDER ONE: The dead travel fast.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

COUNT FAGULA: I’ll ignore that. (To Jonathan) Come, let’s go to my car.

(They exit; lights fade to black; a howling of wolves)

SCENE FOUR

(Lights up on Count Fagula’s home; Count Fagula and Jonathan enter down right)

COUNT FAGULA: Welcome to my house. Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring!

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

JONATHAN: You are Count Fagula?

COUNT FAGULA: Some call me that. Some call me the impaler. Others just call me when they’re looking for a good time.

JONATHAN: But you go by Fagula?

COUNT FAGULA: It is a name given to me by others, which I have come to accept as my own. It has less power for them if I claim it as my own. Do come in. You must be tired.

JONATHAN (entering): Yes, I am. So why do they call you a name like that? What does it mean? I wouldn’t guess from the décor . . .

COUNT FAGULA: I’m into everything Goth. Do you like?

JONATHAN: Yes, very nice. I’m sorry about the name thing.

COUNT FAGULA (standing on soapbox): People hate what they don’t understand. So they assign names—fag, nigger, kike, things like that—to dehumanize. It’s easier to hate that way. (Steps down) It’s easier to hate than to understand. (Crosses to Jonathan) It’s the human way. (Touching Jonathan’s shoulder) Are you hungry?

JONATHAN (pulling away): No, thanks. I’ll wait for breakfast.

(They endure an uncomfortable silence)

COUNT FAGULA: You must be tired. (Pause) Don’t worry. You’ll have your own bedroom. Follow me.

(They exit; lights to black)

SCENE FIVE

(Lights up; Jonathan enters; he is snooping around a bit when Count Fagula enters)

COUNT FAGULA: I see you’ve made yourself at home. Good. I like my guests to be comfortable. Just don’t go into any of the locked room or closets.

JONATHAN: I was noticing all the wonderful books on the shelves. I’m surprised that someone from Pennsylvania would have such a library on Wisconsin.

COUNT FAGULA: It is to study the land where I am moving. Besides asking your firm to find a suitable house for me in New London I’m also doing my best to learn how to speak Wisconsin like a true native. Yah, der, hey. See?

JONATHAN: I see.

COUNT FAGULA: How was it?

JONATHAN: What?

COUNT FAGULA: Yah, der, hey, ya din’t hear it den, didja?

JONATHAN: Oh, that, right. That’s very good. Yes, everyone in Wisconsin speaks like that.

COUNT FAGULA: But, hey, you don’t den dere, do ya?

JONATHAN: I was educated out of state.

COUNT FAGULA: In that case, I’ll speak in my native Pennsylvanian accent. I’m also learning all about cheese, brats, Packers, things like that. And cows. Especially cows.

JONATHAN: Good for you.

COUNT FAGULA: But I need your help. You can’t leave until I’m as good as a native.

JONATHAN: Well, I suppose, if you’re paying . . .

COUNT FAGULA: I will. Tell me about the house your firm found for me.

(Lights fade to black as Jonathan speaks)

JONATHAN: It’s large, very large, hasn’t been used in years. It looks pretty much like this one, based on your instructions. There’s a chapel built right into the house itself. There are only a few neighbors, which you asked for, but one is actually an insane asylum. Don’t worry, though. There’s a huge fence all around. The house seems to have fallen into disrepair. It’s definitely a fixer-upper. I think the neighborhood is headed toward gentrification. That'll increase the value a bit. I guess there’s gays moving in. They tend to fix things up, put on pretty coats of paint, pretty dresses, grow gardens, that sort of thing.

(Lights are at black)

COUNT FAGULA: It seems ideal for me.

JONATHAN: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to . . . What happened to the lights?

COUNT FAGULA: Don’t worry. Sometimes they just fade out. It’s an old house.

(Suddenly the lights come back on full; Count Fagula has his mouth poised at Jonathan’s neck when the lights come up; Jonathan and Count Fagula both jump back in shock)

JONATHAN and COUNT FAGULA: [What are you doing!?] [Is that a crucifix?]

JONATHAN: What were you doing just now?

COUNT FAGULA: I was looking for the light switch.

JONATHAN: With your mouth?

COUNT FAGULA: My sense of taste is acute, boy.

JONATHAN: That’s just not right.

COUNT FAGULA: Oh, it’s getting early. It’s time for me to go to bed.

JONATHAN: That’s it? You have nothing more to say about it?

COUNT FAGULA: Always be careful. I’m full of warnings. Play it safe.

(He exits in a hurry)

JONATHAN: I will. (Jonathan attempts to follow, but finds the door locked; he then checks all the other doors and windows and finds them locked as well; he frantically checks each of them numerous times and then collapses). What the hell? I’m locked in. Some of the rooms are open, but I can’t get out of the place.

(Count Fagula re-enters and stops on the stairway)

COUNT FAGULA: Perhaps you should write home, let them know you are staying a while longer than anticipated, say, a month.

JONATHAN: A month? For what purpose?

COUNT FAGULA: To please me, of course. It would please me to have you around.

JONATHAN: If that’s what you want . . . I guess.

COUNT FAGULA: Another word of warning. Don’t fall asleep anywhere in this house but your own room.

(He exits; Jonathan checks the doors and windows again, then stops on the landing, where he sees Count Fagula coming out of a window and climbing down a wall; he checks some more until he finds a comfortable looking room, where he sits; he starts to stretch, as if tired, then lays down, but immediately sits back up)

JONATHAN: He said to sleep nowhere but the guestroom. Why? What difference does it make? Why should I listen to him? My body says sleep, I should sleep, and this room is as comfortable as any I’ve seen. I’m tired. I should sleep. (He lies down again) I’ll sleep where I want to sleep. (He closes his eyes and dozes off; three women enter and gather around his prone form; they whisper and giggle; he wakes up and sees them; they whisper to each other, then giggle again.)

JONATHAN: I should be warned so often.

(He unbuttons his shirt)

VAMP ONE: He is delectable.

VAMP TWO: A taste treat.

VAMP THREE: Eye candy and mouth-watering dessert.

JONATHAN (sitting up): Ladies . . .

VAMP TWO (to Vamp One): You go ahead. I’ll take sloppy seconds.

VAMP THREE: He is young and strong; there are kisses for us all.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

(Vamp One leans over Jonathan and gently rubs his chest; she leans over further and whispers into his ear; the other two play with his hair and rub his back; she kisses her way down his body, until she reaches the top of his pants; he gasps as she starts to unbuckle his belt; suddenly Count Fagula enters and grabs Vamp One and pulls her off of Jonathan; the other two back up immediately)

COUNT FAGULA: How dare you!?! I told you to leave him alone. Get out of here. This man is mine.

VAMP ONE: Like you could love anyone. Like anyone could ever love you. (She laughs viciously; the other two laugh as well)

COUNT FAGULA (looking directly at Jonathan): But I can love. (Turning to them) You know I have.

VAMP THREE: And look where it got you.

COUNT FAGULA: Nevertheless, he is mine. You can kiss him or do whatever you want when I’m done with him. Then and only then.

JONATHAN: Excuse me? I’m here. (Raising his hand) Right here, still in the room.

COUNT FAGULA: Then you should go to your own room. Now.

(Jonathan exits)

VAMP TWO: So we get nothing again?

COUNT FAGULA: No, you’ll get something. I brought a surprise. Follow me.

(They all exit; lights to black)

SCENE SIX

(Lights up on Jonathan alone at the middle of the stage; The Count enters and stops at the corner)

THE COUNT: One day has passed. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: Did I dream? If so, too real. I can’t deny the lust I feel.

THE COUNT: One day later. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: That door is locked. I can’t find out.

THE COUNT: One day again. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: He has me writing letters. Surely I will die.

THE COUNT: Nine days have passed. Nine. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: I try a plan and am betrayed. The Amish are no help.

THE COUNT: Three days have gone. Three. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: All my things are gone. My coat, my books, security.

THE COUNT: Seventeen days. Seventeen. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: Amish men with boxes.

COUNT FAGULA (off stage): Nice box. Thank you.

(There is the sound of many men laughing)

JONATHAN: I must find his bed.

THE COUNT: Seven days—one week. Seven. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: The women come, seductive eyes, then screaming cries of horror.

THE COUNT: One day passes. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: No man knows ‘til he has suffered, how sweet the light of day; when night is black and souls are dark; and you think your host is gay.

THE COUNT: Still the same day. Zero. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: He looks so pale that he seems dead, and uses a coffin for a bed.

THE COUNT: One more day now. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(Count Fagula enters and grabs The Count by the throat and pushes him out)

JONATHAN (turned away): What does it mean? What does it mean?

COUNT FAGULA: Wake up, sleepyhead!

JONATHAN: I am awake, I think.

COUNT FAGULA: Much time has passed. I lost tack of the count. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! One more day, one, and we will part.

JONATHAN: Why can’t I go tonight?

COUNT FAGULA: Go.

(Jonathan crosses to the door; the sound of howling wolves starts in; he stops and comes back in)

JONATHAN: I guess I’ll wait until tomorrow, if you don’t mind.

COUNT FAGULA (taking Jonathan’s hand in his): Not at all. (He kisses Jonathan’s hand)

JONATHAN (pulling his hand away): But I think I’ll go to bed now.

COUNT FAGULA: Go, I’ll see you later.

(Jonathan starts to exit; Vamp Three enters)

JONATHAN: Hello.

COUNT FAGULA (to Vamp Three): Get out! Tonight is mine. Tomorrow can be yours, after I’m gone to New London.

(She licks her lips and looks Jonathan over lustfully, then breaks out into manic laughter; Jonathan exits; from off stage the other two Vamps can be heard laughing; lights to black)

SCENE SEVEN

(Lights up on Mina in one corner and Lucy in another; they are talking on the phone)

MINA: I haven’t heard from you in so long.

LUCY: Well, I’ve called you twice since you called me, and you’ve only called twice altogether. So, it was your turn. In fact, the last turn and the one before that were both your turn, because I’ve called several times to your twice. But I was still nice enough to call you even when it wasn’t my turn. I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t call you again until you did call me because, you know, the keypads work on both our phones, and it was your turn. I mean, why should I always have to be the one to call you, when you never call me? Except for twice. Even when it is your turn? Except for those two times. In fact, I almost called earlier today, but decided no, it was your turn, I’ll see if you call me. Well, somehow, you did, even though you never do, and now here we are talking. But the next turn is still yours. You owe me one. Don’t get me wrong. You know I love you and I love to hear from you and you’re my best friend in the whole world. I just miss you when you don’t call.

MINA: I’m a teacher. I’ve been overwhelmed.

LUCY: Whatever.

MINA: Really, I can’t wait to see you. I want to hear all the juicy details in person.

LUCY: What juicy details?

MINA: Well, you know all about me and Jonathan—I’ve shared with you—but I don’t know who this person is you’re seeing. Tell me.

LUCY: Which one? You know, at least three different ones have been trying to bag me.

MINA: Tell me.

LUCY: Well, we have always shared our secrets, haven’t we? And sometimes our lovers. Sometimes each other. Remember, we’ve slept together.

MINA: I know. Shh. I know.

LUCY: I guess I can’t keep anything from you. I’m in love with Art Homewood. MINA: You are? That’s so nice.

LUCY: There’s also a Dr. Seward, who runs an insane asylum of all things. The third one is from Texas, which is an insane asylum. They’re all adorable, but out of all of them I love Art. I’m in love. I am. I love him, I do love him, I love him.

MINA: That’s really nice. I’m happy for you.

LUCY: Though I must admit I still think occasionally of you undressing by the fireplace.

MINA: Don’t, Lucy. We’re straight now. The flannel’s in the closet.

(A knock at the door)

LUCY: Maybe you are. Someone’s at the door. I have to go.

MINA: I’ll talk to you soon.

LUCY: I’ll see you in two months, when you come to Westby to visit.

MINA: ‘Til then.

(Mina exits)
LUCY: Come in. (Dr. Seward enters; he is nervous) Dr. Seward, how nice to see you.

DR. SEWARD: I was wondering . . .

LUCY: Yes?

DR. SEWARD: I would like to ask your hand in marriage.

LUCY: But I barely know you. I still call you Dr. Seward. In fact, I don’t even know your first name.

DR. SEWARD: We could get to know each other. It’s Doctor.

LUCY: Yes, we could. How odd. Come here. Let’s play, Doctor.

(He crosses; they go through a fast-motion rendition of sex)

DR. SEWARD: Oh, my God. That was, that was . . . now will you marry me?

LUCY: I want a virgin.

(Beat)

DR. SEWARD: You used me.

LUCY: Very well.

DR. SEWARD: I think I’ll go now.

LUCY: Come again?

DR. SEWARD: Not right now. But I will come later.

LUCY: Do. You know I like you.

(A knock at the door)
DR. SEWARD: I’ll let them in.

QUINCY (entering as Dr. Seward is leaving): Hey-a.

LUCY: Quincy, Dr. Seward, Dr. Seward, Quincy.

DR. SEWARD: Hi. Bye.

(He exits)

QUINCY: Lucy, I want you.

LUCY: I’m a woman.

QUINCY: An’ that’s what I want.

LUCY: Then take me. I’m all woman. Now.

(Quincy crosses; they go through a fast-motion rendition of sex)

QUINCY: Bitchin’. I want you to marry me.

LUCY: That’s only legal in some parts of Europe so far.

QUINCY: We can still be together. Lesbian nation forever.

LUCY: I’m in love with a man. (A knock at the door) That’s probably him.

QUINCY: You used me.

LUCY: And I’d like to again. Come again?

QUINCY: Yeah, I will.

LUCY: Would you let him in on your way out?

QUINCY (as she reaches the door): It’s open. Very.

(Art enters)

LUCY: Art, Quincy, Quincy, Art.

ART: Hi.

QUINCY: Bye.

ART: Lucy.

QUINCY: Yeah.

(She exits)

ART: Lucy, I want to make love to you.

LUCY: I can’t. I’m too exhausted. And I want to save myself for marriage.

ART: Then marry me.

LUCY: Okay.

(Blackout)

SCENE EIGHT

(Lights up on Renfield; he sits cross-legged in the middle of the room; he looks all around it and then his eyes focus on one distant point; he stares at it for a bit, then breaks into a slight smile; Dr. Seward enters opposite, with an attendant)

DR. SEWARD: Good afternoon, Renfield.

(Renfield puts his fingers to his lips, then watches and catches a fly; he shakes it, then sets it carefully down in a box)

RENFIELD: Another pet.

DR. SEWARD: That’s what I’ve come to talk with you about. I think you have too many flies.

RENFIELD (childlike): I’m sorry. I’ll feed them to my spiders.

DR. SEWARD: You have too many spiders. You must get rid of at least half of each.

RENFIELD: Okay.

(He sees another fly, which he catches, studies for a moment, then puts into his mouth and eats)

ATTENDANT: That is disgusting.

RENFIELD: No, it’s good. And good for you. It’s life. It gives me life. Everyone and everything feeds off of something. Don’t you eat, Doctor? Don’t you suck the marrow of life from something?

DR. SEWARD: Just get rid of them, as soon as you can.

RENFIELD: One, two, four, eight, seven, 14, 28, 56, 55. 175.

DR. SEWARD: What are you doing now?

RENFIELD: Adding. Three, three, five, five, two, two, three, three. 26.

DR. SEWARD: But what is the meaning?

RENFIELD (spoken like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman): Count. Yes. Count. Yes. Count. Yes.

DR. SEWARD: I don’t understand.

RENFIELD (with a sudden shift): I will catch another sparrow, and feed it numbers, and watch it grow, and multiply. (Violently) And, and, and! (Matter-of-factly) There will be sparrows aplenty.

ATTENDANT: You’re nuts.

RENFIELD: That’s why I’m here. He said rationally. Doctor, may I have a cat?

DR. SEWARD: No. (Renfield stares at him with an evil, murderous stare) Not at this time.

(Renfield falls to his knees in front of the doctor)
RENFIELD: Please, please, may I have a cat? I’ll do anything you ask. Anything.

DR. SEWARD: No. (Renfield crawls away to a corner and starts to gnaw on his fingers) Where are the birds you had? Where have all the spiders gone? And flies? (Renfield stands up, looking as innocent as he can, and starts to whistle the theme from Dark Shadows). Where are the birds?

RENFIELD: They all flew away.

DR. SEWARD: There’s blood on your pillow.

ATTENDANT: I think he ate them.

RENFIELD: There’s blood on your hands.

DR. SEWARD: We are flying away now.

(They turn to go; Renfield sits and stares)

ATTENDANT: He’s crazy.

DR. SEWARD: If only I could have as strong a cause as my poor mad friend there—a good, unselfish cause to make me work—that would indeed by happiness.

RENFIELD (as they exit): Stoked.

(Blackout)

SCENE NINE

(Lights up as Mina and Lucy enter; walking across the stage)

LUCY: How do you like Westby so far?

MINA: I love it here, but I don’t understand one thing.

LUCY: What is that, dear?

MINA: I came to visit you, I’m your best friend, but you’re always out at night. And it’s not like Art’s here or anything. You’re not cheating on him, are you?

LUCY: How could you say such a thing?

MINA: It’s just that, I wake up in the middle of the night, and you’re gone. Where do you go?

LUCY: I don’t know. Maybe I sleepwalk.

MINA: You should get that taken care of. It could be dangerous.

(Suddenly the lights shift; a large shadow of the number 4 appears on the wall, then disappears as quickly)

LUCY (a little frightened): What was that?

MINA: I don’t know. It looked like a shadow of the number 4.

(They exit and the lights fade to black during the next two lines)

LUCY: A four shadow. What could it mean?

MINA: I don’t know, but I’m a little uneasy now. I’m not sure why.

SCENE TEN

(Lights up on a News Host, stage right, center; one actor will kneel down stage right and flip cards with baseball scores; another will sit down stage center with stock quotes; another will kneel down left with maps and temperatures; another will be behind up stage center holding headlines up in the air; the rest will portray the news events and other things stage right; the host smiles insipidly throughout her report)

NEWS HOST: Hello, and welcome to This Week, a review of all the important news from the past week. A bad storm passed through western Wisconsin this past week and destroyed a lot of things. People were sad. And then, after that, a barge ran aground in La Crosse and it was discovered that everyone on board was dead. It was only hauling boxes of dirt and a big dog that ran away. A lot of people were hoping the big dog is okay. The captain of the barge was tied to the steering thing with rope and a crucifix. (She suddenly laughs) Ooh, I’m sorry. That just struck me as funny. Police are investigating. Later in the week the oldest man in Westby was found dead with a broken neck. They think he slipped and fell and hurt himself. Well, killed himself. Or hurt himself badly to death. His funeral was yesterday and was attended by hundreds of sad people. In the rest of the world, 3,000 people, including one child, and three Americans, were killed in an explosion in Afghanistan. But first, this story about an alligator in Florida that has made an apartment complex pool his home. It’s really cute.

(Blackout)

SCENE ELEVEN

(Lights up on Lucy sitting on a bench, with Count Fagula leaning down next to her, as if kissing; Mina enters)

MINA: Lucy! Lucy! (The man runs away; Mina runs up to Lucy) Lucy, what’s going on? Who was that man? (No response) Lucy! (No response) Lucy!

LUCY: Oh, uh, Mina. Mina, what are you doing here?

MINA: The question is, what are you doing here? I saw your bed was empty and got worried. I came looking for you and found you here.

LUCY: Why?

MINA: I figured you’d be at our favorite spot.

LUCY: No, I mean why did you come?

MINA: Because I was worried. Who was that man?

LUCY: Wh . . . what man?

MINA: Who was just here, leaning over you.

LUCY: I . . . I . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, I’m tired. What am I doing in the cemetery? I must have been sleepwalking again.

MINA: Sleepwalking?

LUCY: Yes, I think I’ve told you. It runs in our family. My father used to get up in the middle of the night and leave my mother worried sick. Almost every night. She would accuse him of drinking and fooling around with women, but he was only sleepwalking.

MINA: Says who?

LUCY: He did. That’s what he always told me.

MINA: You’re engaged.

LUCY: Yes, in sleepwalking.

MINA: I see.

LUCY: Don’t tell Arthur. Please.

MINA: I’m your best friend. Your secret is safe with me. Who was he?

LUCY: Really, I have no idea.

MINA (to herself): Slut. (To Lucy) Let’s go home.

(Lights to black as they exit)

SCENE TWELVE

(An actor with a large clock runs across the back of the stage as Lucy and Mina enter)

MINA: My, how time passes.

LUCY: Yes, it does. What a beautiful day. What a gorgeous spot.

MINA: It is. You know, it seems like it was only yesterday that I came to visit, and now it’s nearing the time to go.

LUCY: What do you mean, go?

MINA: I got a letter from a nun at a hospital in Terre Haute, Indiana. Jonathan is there. That’s why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been ill. I have to go to him.

LUCY (suddenly shifting moods): This is where it happened, where that awful man infected me.

MINA: What man?

LUCY: The one from Pennsylvania, who’s been around for a couple of months.

MINA: The one they call Fagula?

LUCY: Yes.

MINA: You weren’t sleepwalking then, were you?

LUCY: Of course not.

MINA: Those weren’t hickeys then, were they?

LUCY: Well, yes, they were.

MINA: He is evil.

LUCY: He’s a man

MINA: But he just pushed himself on you.

LUCY: I invited hi