COUNT FAGULA

PROLOGUE

(The stage is black; a voice is heard in the darkness)

COUNT FAGULA: There was a time before the darkness came . . . (lights up, flashing as if lightning were striking; he shields his eyes) . . . that I was exactly like you. (Blackout) The darkness fell, and so did I . . . (lights up, flashing again; he lays with another man; he directs the next line half at the man beside him and half at the audience) . . . I was a man like you.

(Blackout; theme music plays as lightning flashes on the two men laying together; as it continues Count Fagula eventually rises and exits upstage left; lights eventually come up enough to reveal a dead man on stage, then go to blackness again)

SCENE ONE

(Lights up on passengers in an airplane; a stewardess is at the front of the cabin, acting out the captain’s words for the passengers)

CAPTAIN: May I have your attention, please? This is your captain speaking. Please leave your seat belts on and remain seated until we’ve ascended safely. Thank you for following all of our recommended safety precautions. Now that we’re done with our layover in Minneapolis, we are headed to our final destination of Pittsburgh, where you can make a number of connecting flights. Those of you who are traveling further east to the hinterlands of Pennsylvania will find busses and other travel options available at the airport. We hope you enjoyed your stay in the Twin Cities and hope you have a good flight. Thank you for flying with us.

JONATHAN: Why did we stop in Minneapolis? It was out of the way for a trip to Pennsylvania.

PASSENGER: So you could enjoy the lefse. Regional cuisine. A real treat.

STEWARDESS (with headphones): Muzak?

JONATHAN: I don’t know that I’d call that a treat.

PASSENGER: That was sarcasm. Heavy sarcasm.

JONATHAN (nervously): Oh.

PASSENGER: Minneapolis deserves it.

JONATHAN: Lefse?

PASSENGER: Lefse station, without the conductor.

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

PASSENGER: Lefse station. It was a joke. Get it?

JONATHAN (to the Stewardess): No.

PASSENGER: Lefse station . . . wissout a conductor. It was humor.

JONATHAN: Oh, I see.

PASSENGER: You deserved it. (Pause) Mini Apple. Mini mind. Mini things on many minds. Mini, mini, ha-hah . . . Mini-

PASSENGER & STEWARDESS: [Sota.] [Soda?]

JONATHAN (to Stewardess): What? No, I don’t . . . (to Passenger) I don’t . . . (Passenger glares at him) . . . Never mind. (Beat) So, what was with all the cowboys? In Minnesota? I don’t get it.

PASSENGER: Cowboys?

OTHER PASSENGER: Vikings rule!

JONATHAN: At the airport. I thought Minnesota was farm country, lake country, something, not cowboys. I wasn’t expecting cowboys. That’s the west.

PASSENGER: They think they are who they believe they are. It’s America. Everything’s a myth.

JONATHAN: Myth?

STEWARDESS: Yes? (Beat) Newspaper? Magazine?

PASSENGER: It’s a theme. One big stupid theme park.

JONATHAN: Huh?

PASSENGER: I’m talking philosophy. Homespun. Folk.

STEWARDESS: Drink? Get drunk?

(Pause)

JONATHAN: You know what? I think I need to sleep. I have a long journey ahead of me.

PASSENGER: Don’t we all . . . metaphorically . . . have long journeys?

JONATHAN: I don’t think I have a pillow.

STEWARDESS: Pillow?

JONATHAN: Yes, please.

STEWARDESS: I’m out.

PASSENGER: You don’t like me. I’m too honest. Brutal.

JONATHAN: Truthfully, I . . .

PASSENGER: Stop! I hate that word. Truthfully. No one wants the truth. No one. Honestly.

JONATHAN: I think I’m going to move over by that man. There’s an empty seat, with a pillow.

(Beat)

PASSENGER: Cute, isn’t he?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

PASSENGER: You think so.

JONATHAN: Are you suggesting . . .

PASSENGER: I saw the way you walk. I hear the way you talk. You’ve got the gay thing going on.

JONATHAN: I have a fiancée. How dare you suggest . . .

PASSENGER: Like I said, no one likes the truth. Honestly. No one.

JONATHAN: Well, you’re right about that, so . . . uh . . . so . . . How about . . . Your breath smells like, like . . . I can’t do this. I don’t know—garlic. Forget it. I’m moving next to that good-looking . . . I’m . . . You’re . . . I’m leaving. I’m going over there.

PASSENGER (as Jonathan moves away): Fag.

STEWARDESS: Nuts?

JONATHAN: No thanks.

PASSENGER: I want some. Don’t we all?

(Jonathan moves as the lights fade to black and the Captain speaks; the Stewardess acts out his words again)

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude. You are free to move about the cabin. We’ll be arriving at our destination just on the dark side of twilight.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

CAPTAIN: Please enjoy the remainder of your trip and thanks again for flying with us.

(Lights are black)

SCENE TWO

(Lights up on the Gold Tiara Hotel; enter the Grand Dame):

GRAND DAME (entering, with Old Man): I should have gone for the nice little house on Park Place instead of buying the hotel on Baltic. Don’t you think? This place is such a dive. And the rents are so cheap here. I can’t make a thing.

OLD MAN: You never could. Besides, I think the BO Railroad may have been more appropriate for you.

GRAND DAME: Well, aren’t we the smart one today? Wait, let me field that one. No. Not really. Must have forgotten the milk for your mental Wheaties this morning. Whatever. Anywho, no, dear, it’s not BO. It’s B and O. For me and you. Bitch and old fart.

OLD MAN: It was a joke.

GRAND DAME: Just like you, but not as lame.

OLD MAN: A bad joke.

GRAND DAME: Like I said. Besides, B & O for me, (holding thumb and index finger a short distance apart) Short Line or whatever for you—I guess that would be appropriate—there just ain’t no railroads big enough for our two tired old cabooses.

JONATHAN (entering): Good evening.

GRAND DAME (looking him over): It is indeed. Now it is indeed.

JONATHAN: I was told to come here for a room.

GRAND DAME: Don’t tell me. Jonathan Harder. Or at least one can hope.

JONATHAN: You’ve been expecting me?

GRAND DAME (flirtatiously): I was expecting someone, but I couldn’t have been expecting you.

JONATHAN: I’m not sure I follow you.

GRAND DAME: Honey, no one can follow me.

OLD MAN: She was expecting a troll.

GRAND DAME (to Old Man): So was someone’s mother, years ago, and look, she birthed it. (To Jonathan) Turn around now, dear.

JONATHAN: I don’t understand.

OLD MAN: Don’t try to. Just do as she says.

(Jonathan turns around)

GRAND DAME: Speaking of cabooses. Mm-mm, goo—ood.

JONATHAN: Excuse me?

GRAND DAME: Very nice. That’s all I’m saying. And of course I certainly do like the name. Yes, indeedy. A nice name.

JONATHAN: And you are?

OLD MAN: A cat in heat.

JONATHAN: It seems you two don’t like each other very well.

GRAND DAME: Honey, don’t think. Just be your own sweet little self. We love each other, but we do know each other too well. Don’t mind him. He’s just an old dog who can’t get new tricks.

JONATHAN: And once again, you are?

GRAND DAME: Moi? I’m so pleased you care. I’m the Grand Dame of the Gold Tiara Hotel. (Whispering suggestively) Welcome to my palace.

JONATHAN: Thank you. Then I have the right place. Was there a message left for me?

OLD MAN: Yes, a bus will be by to pick you up when the cock crows.

GRAND DAME: With luck, that could happen very soon.

OLD MAN: The driver will honk three times at most, and then leave. You must be ready.

JONATHAN: Could I have my key then? I think I need some sleep.

GRAND DAME (handing him a key): Here’s your key, but you really should party with your hosts a bit first. (Suggestively) You could stay up all night with me. That’s a guarantee.

JONATHAN: Well, I suppose a little fun can’t hurt.

(The three pantomime drinking, popping pills, smoking pot, and snorting cocaine in fast motion; suddenly, the Old Man and Grand Dame freeze, staring straight ahead; Jonathan turns to leave and speaks to himself as he’s exiting)

JONATHAN: They sure know how to party here.

(Lights fade on the two frozen hoteliers; a clock strikes one, lights up to full, then immediately to black; a clock strikes two, lights up to full, then to black; strikes three, lights, black; four, lights, black; five, lights, black; six, lights up on Grand Dame and Old Man, in the same position; Jonathan enters).

JONATHAN: Excuse me. (No response) Excuse me, has the bus come yet? (No response) I need to know the address of Count Fagula. I have to know where to tell the cabby to go. (No response) Hello! Hello in there! (No response) Why so mum? You were perfectly able to communicate with me last night. (No response) What are you hiding? (No response) Hello, don’t be afraid to speak. It’s just me. (No response; a horn sounds; he turns; the sound brings the Grand Dame to consciousness) Coming! (He starts to cross to the exit)

GRAND DAME (screaming): NO!!!!! Don’t go!! Don’t go!!! You can’t leave. You can’t go away. It’s not safe. You have to stay. You can’t leave me here!!!

JONATHAN: I’m sorry. My cab is here. It’s time. I have to go. Thanks for everything.

GRAND DAME: No!!!!! Stay one more day! You must. Don’t leave! You can’t. One more day! It’s evil out there. You can’t go! There’s evil in the air.

(Horn sounds again)

JONATHAN: Really, it’s time. I have business.

GRAND DAME: Well, then, do the Grand Dame a favor and at least take these.

(She gives him a handful of condoms)

JONATHAN: Okay, thanks.

GRAND DAME (taking one condom back): Wait. I should keep one. (She grabs another) Okay, maybe two. Be careful.

JONATHAN: I will. Thanks again.

(He exits; she shakes the Old Man until he wakes up)

GRAND DAME: Hey, Old Man, wake up.

OLD MAN: What?

GRAND DAME: Let’s go make some lovin’. I need someone, anyone, to be close to me right now.

OLD MAN: So where’d your good-looking young man go?

GRAND DAME: He left, like they all do. Like they always do. Like they always have.

(They start to exit upstage)

OLD MAN: Not exactly like they always have. It’s different now.

GRAND DAME: Different? How?

OLD MAN: They used to stay for the sex and the drugs. Now it’s just the drugs.

(They exit; blackout)

SCENE THREE

(Lights up on cab; Cabby is standing outside of the cab talking to the riders)

CABBIE: Fagula.

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer.

CABBIE: Poofter

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CABBIE: Rump ranger.

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CAB RIDER ONE: Fag.

CAB RIDER TWO: Homo.

CAB RIDER ONE: Queer.

CAB RIDER TWO: Lavender la-la.

CABBIE: What? You made that up yourself.

JONATHAN: Excuse me?

CAB RIDER TWO (under her breath): Poofter.

CABBIE (to Jonathan): What?

JONATHAN: I just heard a lot of words often repeated, queer words . . .

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

JONATHAN: . . . and I’m wondering what it’s all about.

CAB RIDER TWO: Nothing.

CABBIE: It was nothing. Small talk. Hop in.

JONATHAN (to Cabby): I’m going to the home of . . .

CABBIE: We know where you’re going. I was sent for you. We need to go now. Get in. (He does) We want to get there before it’s too late.

CAB RIDER TWO: Before the darkness.

JONATHAN: Darkness? It’s the first thing in the morning, and we’re only going a few miles, and who are these other people, by the way?

CAB RIDER ONE: Shared ride. It’s cheaper. I’m Cab Rider One.

CAB RIDER TWO: I’m Cab Rider Two.

CAB RIDER ONE: It’s sort of what you get with a shared ride. At least we’re not drunks throwing up on your lap. It could be worse.

CAB RIDER TWO: You would be Cab Rider Three.

JONATHAN: Actually, I’m Jonathan.

CAB RIDER TWO: Oooh, he gets a name. Fan-cy.

(Cabby takes off; bodies push back as if there is a tremendous G-force on them; lights fade to night during the following)

CAB RIDER TWO: It can take a while to get places.

JONATHAN: At this speed?

CAB RIDER ONE: We might have to pick up more passengers.

JONATHAN: Oh, for the love of . . .

CAB RIDER ONE: So, why are you going to the fag’s place?

JONATHAN: Pardon?

CAB RIDER TWO: Everybody knows he is.

CABBIE: Count Fagula.

JONATHAN: Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going there on business.

CAB RIDER TWO: Uh-uh.

JONATHAN: Hey, I’m not . . .

CAB RIDER TWO: Birds of a feather.

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, not exactly birds.

JONATHAN: I assure you I’m all man.

CAB RIDER ONE: Then you shouldn’t go. If that’s true.

JONATHAN: I must.

CAB RIDER TWO: Don’t.

JONATHAN: I must.

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, if you won’t take our advice, at least take this. (She puts a dental dam in Jonathan’s hand).

JONATHAN: What is this?

CAB RIDER ONE: It’s called a dental dam. Read the instructions and use it. It may protect you.

CAB RIDER TWO: And take this. Spermicide.

JONATHAN: But I’m not going to do anything . . . I’m engaged to be married.

CABBIE: He has his ways of seducing even the straightest. Hypnotic, almost.

CAB RIDER ONE: And here, one more thing.

(Hands him a crucifix)

JONATHAN: A crucifix?

CAB RIDER ONE: Well, it never hurts to accessorize.

JONATHAN: I’m not very religious.

(The cab screeches to a halt; it is night)

CABBIE: Oh, look, we’re here, at the drop-off point, and no one’s here to meet you. Oh, well, I guess we’ll take you back to town and bring you back another time. Let’s go.

COUNT FAGULA (in the darkness): Wait. I have been. And I am.

CAB RIDER ONE: The dead travel fast.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

COUNT FAGULA: I’ll ignore that. (To Jonathan) Come, let’s go to my car.

(They exit; lights fade to black; a howling of wolves)

SCENE FOUR

(Lights up on Count Fagula’s home; Count Fagula and Jonathan enter down right)

COUNT FAGULA: Welcome to my house. Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring!

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

JONATHAN: You are Count Fagula?

COUNT FAGULA: Some call me that. Some call me the impaler. Others just call me when they’re looking for a good time.

JONATHAN: But you go by Fagula?

COUNT FAGULA: It is a name given to me by others, which I have come to accept as my own. It has less power for them if I claim it as my own. Do come in. You must be tired.

JONATHAN (entering): Yes, I am. So why do they call you a name like that? What does it mean? I wouldn’t guess from the décor . . .

COUNT FAGULA: I’m into everything Goth. Do you like?

JONATHAN: Yes, very nice. I’m sorry about the name thing.

COUNT FAGULA (standing on soapbox): People hate what they don’t understand. So they assign names—fag, nigger, kike, things like that—to dehumanize. It’s easier to hate that way. (Steps down) It’s easier to hate than to understand. (Crosses to Jonathan) It’s the human way. (Touching Jonathan’s shoulder) Are you hungry?

JONATHAN (pulling away): No, thanks. I’ll wait for breakfast.

(They endure an uncomfortable silence)

COUNT FAGULA: You must be tired. (Pause) Don’t worry. You’ll have your own bedroom. Follow me.

(They exit; lights to black)

SCENE FIVE

(Lights up; Jonathan enters; he is snooping around a bit when Count Fagula enters)

COUNT FAGULA: I see you’ve made yourself at home. Good. I like my guests to be comfortable. Just don’t go into any of the locked room or closets.

JONATHAN: I was noticing all the wonderful books on the shelves. I’m surprised that someone from Pennsylvania would have such a library on Wisconsin.

COUNT FAGULA: It is to study the land where I am moving. Besides asking your firm to find a suitable house for me in New London I’m also doing my best to learn how to speak Wisconsin like a true native. Yah, der, hey. See?

JONATHAN: I see.

COUNT FAGULA: How was it?

JONATHAN: What?

COUNT FAGULA: Yah, der, hey, ya din’t hear it den, didja?

JONATHAN: Oh, that, right. That’s very good. Yes, everyone in Wisconsin speaks like that.

COUNT FAGULA: But, hey, you don’t den dere, do ya?

JONATHAN: I was educated out of state.

COUNT FAGULA: In that case, I’ll speak in my native Pennsylvanian accent. I’m also learning all about cheese, brats, Packers, things like that. And cows. Especially cows.

JONATHAN: Good for you.

COUNT FAGULA: But I need your help. You can’t leave until I’m as good as a native.

JONATHAN: Well, I suppose, if you’re paying . . .

COUNT FAGULA: I will. Tell me about the house your firm found for me.

(Lights fade to black as Jonathan speaks)

JONATHAN: It’s large, very large, hasn’t been used in years. It looks pretty much like this one, based on your instructions. There’s a chapel built right into the house itself. There are only a few neighbors, which you asked for, but one is actually an insane asylum. Don’t worry, though. There’s a huge fence all around. The house seems to have fallen into disrepair. It’s definitely a fixer-upper. I think the neighborhood is headed toward gentrification. That'll increase the value a bit. I guess there’s gays moving in. They tend to fix things up, put on pretty coats of paint, pretty dresses, grow gardens, that sort of thing.

(Lights are at black)

COUNT FAGULA: It seems ideal for me.

JONATHAN: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to . . . What happened to the lights?

COUNT FAGULA: Don’t worry. Sometimes they just fade out. It’s an old house.

(Suddenly the lights come back on full; Count Fagula has his mouth poised at Jonathan’s neck when the lights come up; Jonathan and Count Fagula both jump back in shock)

JONATHAN and COUNT FAGULA: [What are you doing!?] [Is that a crucifix?]

JONATHAN: What were you doing just now?

COUNT FAGULA: I was looking for the light switch.

JONATHAN: With your mouth?

COUNT FAGULA: My sense of taste is acute, boy.

JONATHAN: That’s just not right.

COUNT FAGULA: Oh, it’s getting early. It’s time for me to go to bed.

JONATHAN: That’s it? You have nothing more to say about it?

COUNT FAGULA: Always be careful. I’m full of warnings. Play it safe.

(He exits in a hurry)

JONATHAN: I will. (Jonathan attempts to follow, but finds the door locked; he then checks all the other doors and windows and finds them locked as well; he frantically checks each of them numerous times and then collapses). What the hell? I’m locked in. Some of the rooms are open, but I can’t get out of the place.

(Count Fagula re-enters and stops on the stairway)

COUNT FAGULA: Perhaps you should write home, let them know you are staying a while longer than anticipated, say, a month.

JONATHAN: A month? For what purpose?

COUNT FAGULA: To please me, of course. It would please me to have you around.

JONATHAN: If that’s what you want . . . I guess.

COUNT FAGULA: Another word of warning. Don’t fall asleep anywhere in this house but your own room.

(He exits; Jonathan checks the doors and windows again, then stops on the landing, where he sees Count Fagula coming out of a window and climbing down a wall; he checks some more until he finds a comfortable looking room, where he sits; he starts to stretch, as if tired, then lays down, but immediately sits back up)

JONATHAN: He said to sleep nowhere but the guestroom. Why? What difference does it make? Why should I listen to him? My body says sleep, I should sleep, and this room is as comfortable as any I’ve seen. I’m tired. I should sleep. (He lies down again) I’ll sleep where I want to sleep. (He closes his eyes and dozes off; three women enter and gather around his prone form; they whisper and giggle; he wakes up and sees them; they whisper to each other, then giggle again.)

JONATHAN: I should be warned so often.

(He unbuttons his shirt)

VAMP ONE: He is delectable.

VAMP TWO: A taste treat.

VAMP THREE: Eye candy and mouth-watering dessert.

JONATHAN (sitting up): Ladies . . .

VAMP TWO (to Vamp One): You go ahead. I’ll take sloppy seconds.

VAMP THREE: He is young and strong; there are kisses for us all.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

(Vamp One leans over Jonathan and gently rubs his chest; she leans over further and whispers into his ear; the other two play with his hair and rub his back; she kisses her way down his body, until she reaches the top of his pants; he gasps as she starts to unbuckle his belt; suddenly Count Fagula enters and grabs Vamp One and pulls her off of Jonathan; the other two back up immediately)

COUNT FAGULA: How dare you!?! I told you to leave him alone. Get out of here. This man is mine.

VAMP ONE: Like you could love anyone. Like anyone could ever love you. (She laughs viciously; the other two laugh as well)

COUNT FAGULA (looking directly at Jonathan): But I can love. (Turning to them) You know I have.

VAMP THREE: And look where it got you.

COUNT FAGULA: Nevertheless, he is mine. You can kiss him or do whatever you want when I’m done with him. Then and only then.

JONATHAN: Excuse me? I’m here. (Raising his hand) Right here, still in the room.

COUNT FAGULA: Then you should go to your own room. Now.

(Jonathan exits)

VAMP TWO: So we get nothing again?

COUNT FAGULA: No, you’ll get something. I brought a surprise. Follow me.

(They all exit; lights to black)

SCENE SIX

(Lights up on Jonathan alone at the middle of the stage; The Count enters and stops at the corner)

THE COUNT: One day has passed. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: Did I dream? If so, too real. I can’t deny the lust I feel.

THE COUNT: One day later. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: That door is locked. I can’t find out.

THE COUNT: One day again. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: He has me writing letters. Surely I will die.

THE COUNT: Nine days have passed. Nine. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: I try a plan and am betrayed. The Amish are no help.

THE COUNT: Three days have gone. Three. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: All my things are gone. My coat, my books, security.

THE COUNT: Seventeen days. Seventeen. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: Amish men with boxes.

COUNT FAGULA (off stage): Nice box. Thank you.

(There is the sound of many men laughing)

JONATHAN: I must find his bed.

THE COUNT: Seven days—one week. Seven. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: The women come, seductive eyes, then screaming cries of horror.

THE COUNT: One day passes. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: No man knows ‘til he has suffered, how sweet the light of day; when night is black and souls are dark; and you think your host is gay.

THE COUNT: Still the same day. Zero. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

JONATHAN: He looks so pale that he seems dead, and uses a coffin for a bed.

THE COUNT: One more day now. One. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(Count Fagula enters and grabs The Count by the throat and pushes him out)

JONATHAN (turned away): What does it mean? What does it mean?

COUNT FAGULA: Wake up, sleepyhead!

JONATHAN: I am awake, I think.

COUNT FAGULA: Much time has passed. I lost tack of the count. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! One more day, one, and we will part.

JONATHAN: Why can’t I go tonight?

COUNT FAGULA: Go.

(Jonathan crosses to the door; the sound of howling wolves starts in; he stops and comes back in)

JONATHAN: I guess I’ll wait until tomorrow, if you don’t mind.

COUNT FAGULA (taking Jonathan’s hand in his): Not at all. (He kisses Jonathan’s hand)

JONATHAN (pulling his hand away): But I think I’ll go to bed now.

COUNT FAGULA: Go, I’ll see you later.

(Jonathan starts to exit; Vamp Three enters)

JONATHAN: Hello.

COUNT FAGULA (to Vamp Three): Get out! Tonight is mine. Tomorrow can be yours, after I’m gone to New London.

(She licks her lips and looks Jonathan over lustfully, then breaks out into manic laughter; Jonathan exits; from off stage the other two Vamps can be heard laughing; lights to black)

SCENE SEVEN

(Lights up on Mina in one corner and Lucy in another; they are talking on the phone)

MINA: I haven’t heard from you in so long.

LUCY: Well, I’ve called you twice since you called me, and you’ve only called twice altogether. So, it was your turn. In fact, the last turn and the one before that were both your turn, because I’ve called several times to your twice. But I was still nice enough to call you even when it wasn’t my turn. I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t call you again until you did call me because, you know, the keypads work on both our phones, and it was your turn. I mean, why should I always have to be the one to call you, when you never call me? Except for twice. Even when it is your turn? Except for those two times. In fact, I almost called earlier today, but decided no, it was your turn, I’ll see if you call me. Well, somehow, you did, even though you never do, and now here we are talking. But the next turn is still yours. You owe me one. Don’t get me wrong. You know I love you and I love to hear from you and you’re my best friend in the whole world. I just miss you when you don’t call.

MINA: I’m a teacher. I’ve been overwhelmed.

LUCY: Whatever.

MINA: Really, I can’t wait to see you. I want to hear all the juicy details in person.

LUCY: What juicy details?

MINA: Well, you know all about me and Jonathan—I’ve shared with you—but I don’t know who this person is you’re seeing. Tell me.

LUCY: Which one? You know, at least three different ones have been trying to bag me.

MINA: Tell me.

LUCY: Well, we have always shared our secrets, haven’t we? And sometimes our lovers. Sometimes each other. Remember, we’ve slept together.

MINA: I know. Shh. I know.

LUCY: I guess I can’t keep anything from you. I’m in love with Art Homewood. MINA: You are? That’s so nice.

LUCY: There’s also a Dr. Seward, who runs an insane asylum of all things. The third one is from Texas, which is an insane asylum. They’re all adorable, but out of all of them I love Art. I’m in love. I am. I love him, I do love him, I love him.

MINA: That’s really nice. I’m happy for you.

LUCY: Though I must admit I still think occasionally of you undressing by the fireplace.

MINA: Don’t, Lucy. We’re straight now. The flannel’s in the closet.

(A knock at the door)

LUCY: Maybe you are. Someone’s at the door. I have to go.

MINA: I’ll talk to you soon.

LUCY: I’ll see you in two months, when you come to Westby to visit.

MINA: ‘Til then.

(Mina exits)
LUCY: Come in. (Dr. Seward enters; he is nervous) Dr. Seward, how nice to see you.

DR. SEWARD: I was wondering . . .

LUCY: Yes?

DR. SEWARD: I would like to ask your hand in marriage.

LUCY: But I barely know you. I still call you Dr. Seward. In fact, I don’t even know your first name.

DR. SEWARD: We could get to know each other. It’s Doctor.

LUCY: Yes, we could. How odd. Come here. Let’s play, Doctor.

(He crosses; they go through a fast-motion rendition of sex)

DR. SEWARD: Oh, my God. That was, that was . . . now will you marry me?

LUCY: I want a virgin.

(Beat)

DR. SEWARD: You used me.

LUCY: Very well.

DR. SEWARD: I think I’ll go now.

LUCY: Come again?

DR. SEWARD: Not right now. But I will come later.

LUCY: Do. You know I like you.

(A knock at the door)
DR. SEWARD: I’ll let them in.

QUINCY (entering as Dr. Seward is leaving): Hey-a.

LUCY: Quincy, Dr. Seward, Dr. Seward, Quincy.

DR. SEWARD: Hi. Bye.

(He exits)

QUINCY: Lucy, I want you.

LUCY: I’m a woman.

QUINCY: An’ that’s what I want.

LUCY: Then take me. I’m all woman. Now.

(Quincy crosses; they go through a fast-motion rendition of sex)

QUINCY: Bitchin’. I want you to marry me.

LUCY: That’s only legal in some parts of Europe so far.

QUINCY: We can still be together. Lesbian nation forever.

LUCY: I’m in love with a man. (A knock at the door) That’s probably him.

QUINCY: You used me.

LUCY: And I’d like to again. Come again?

QUINCY: Yeah, I will.

LUCY: Would you let him in on your way out?

QUINCY (as she reaches the door): It’s open. Very.

(Art enters)

LUCY: Art, Quincy, Quincy, Art.

ART: Hi.

QUINCY: Bye.

ART: Lucy.

QUINCY: Yeah.

(She exits)

ART: Lucy, I want to make love to you.

LUCY: I can’t. I’m too exhausted. And I want to save myself for marriage.

ART: Then marry me.

LUCY: Okay.

(Blackout)

SCENE EIGHT

(Lights up on Renfield; he sits cross-legged in the middle of the room; he looks all around it and then his eyes focus on one distant point; he stares at it for a bit, then breaks into a slight smile; Dr. Seward enters opposite, with an attendant)

DR. SEWARD: Good afternoon, Renfield.

(Renfield puts his fingers to his lips, then watches and catches a fly; he shakes it, then sets it carefully down in a box)

RENFIELD: Another pet.

DR. SEWARD: That’s what I’ve come to talk with you about. I think you have too many flies.

RENFIELD (childlike): I’m sorry. I’ll feed them to my spiders.

DR. SEWARD: You have too many spiders. You must get rid of at least half of each.

RENFIELD: Okay.

(He sees another fly, which he catches, studies for a moment, then puts into his mouth and eats)

ATTENDANT: That is disgusting.

RENFIELD: No, it’s good. And good for you. It’s life. It gives me life. Everyone and everything feeds off of something. Don’t you eat, Doctor? Don’t you suck the marrow of life from something?

DR. SEWARD: Just get rid of them, as soon as you can.

RENFIELD: One, two, four, eight, seven, 14, 28, 56, 55. 175.

DR. SEWARD: What are you doing now?

RENFIELD: Adding. Three, three, five, five, two, two, three, three. 26.

DR. SEWARD: But what is the meaning?

RENFIELD (spoken like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman): Count. Yes. Count. Yes. Count. Yes.

DR. SEWARD: I don’t understand.

RENFIELD (with a sudden shift): I will catch another sparrow, and feed it numbers, and watch it grow, and multiply. (Violently) And, and, and! (Matter-of-factly) There will be sparrows aplenty.

ATTENDANT: You’re nuts.

RENFIELD: That’s why I’m here. He said rationally. Doctor, may I have a cat?

DR. SEWARD: No. (Renfield stares at him with an evil, murderous stare) Not at this time.

(Renfield falls to his knees in front of the doctor)
RENFIELD: Please, please, may I have a cat? I’ll do anything you ask. Anything.

DR. SEWARD: No. (Renfield crawls away to a corner and starts to gnaw on his fingers) Where are the birds you had? Where have all the spiders gone? And flies? (Renfield stands up, looking as innocent as he can, and starts to whistle the theme from Dark Shadows). Where are the birds?

RENFIELD: They all flew away.

DR. SEWARD: There’s blood on your pillow.

ATTENDANT: I think he ate them.

RENFIELD: There’s blood on your hands.

DR. SEWARD: We are flying away now.

(They turn to go; Renfield sits and stares)

ATTENDANT: He’s crazy.

DR. SEWARD: If only I could have as strong a cause as my poor mad friend there—a good, unselfish cause to make me work—that would indeed by happiness.

RENFIELD (as they exit): Stoked.

(Blackout)

SCENE NINE

(Lights up as Mina and Lucy enter; walking across the stage)

LUCY: How do you like Westby so far?

MINA: I love it here, but I don’t understand one thing.

LUCY: What is that, dear?

MINA: I came to visit you, I’m your best friend, but you’re always out at night. And it’s not like Art’s here or anything. You’re not cheating on him, are you?

LUCY: How could you say such a thing?

MINA: It’s just that, I wake up in the middle of the night, and you’re gone. Where do you go?

LUCY: I don’t know. Maybe I sleepwalk.

MINA: You should get that taken care of. It could be dangerous.

(Suddenly the lights shift; a large shadow of the number 4 appears on the wall, then disappears as quickly)

LUCY (a little frightened): What was that?

MINA: I don’t know. It looked like a shadow of the number 4.

(They exit and the lights fade to black during the next two lines)

LUCY: A four shadow. What could it mean?

MINA: I don’t know, but I’m a little uneasy now. I’m not sure why.

SCENE TEN

(Lights up on a News Host, stage right, center; one actor will kneel down stage right and flip cards with baseball scores; another will sit down stage center with stock quotes; another will kneel down left with maps and temperatures; another will be behind up stage center holding headlines up in the air; the rest will portray the news events and other things stage right; the host smiles insipidly throughout her report)

NEWS HOST: Hello, and welcome to This Week, a review of all the important news from the past week. A bad storm passed through western Wisconsin this past week and destroyed a lot of things. People were sad. And then, after that, a barge ran aground in La Crosse and it was discovered that everyone on board was dead. It was only hauling boxes of dirt and a big dog that ran away. A lot of people were hoping the big dog is okay. The captain of the barge was tied to the steering thing with rope and a crucifix. (She suddenly laughs) Ooh, I’m sorry. That just struck me as funny. Police are investigating. Later in the week the oldest man in Westby was found dead with a broken neck. They think he slipped and fell and hurt himself. Well, killed himself. Or hurt himself badly to death. His funeral was yesterday and was attended by hundreds of sad people. In the rest of the world, 3,000 people, including one child, and three Americans, were killed in an explosion in Afghanistan. But first, this story about an alligator in Florida that has made an apartment complex pool his home. It’s really cute.

(Blackout)

SCENE ELEVEN

(Lights up on Lucy sitting on a bench, with Count Fagula leaning down next to her, as if kissing; Mina enters)

MINA: Lucy! Lucy! (The man runs away; Mina runs up to Lucy) Lucy, what’s going on? Who was that man? (No response) Lucy! (No response) Lucy!

LUCY: Oh, uh, Mina. Mina, what are you doing here?

MINA: The question is, what are you doing here? I saw your bed was empty and got worried. I came looking for you and found you here.

LUCY: Why?

MINA: I figured you’d be at our favorite spot.

LUCY: No, I mean why did you come?

MINA: Because I was worried. Who was that man?

LUCY: Wh . . . what man?

MINA: Who was just here, leaning over you.

LUCY: I . . . I . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, I’m tired. What am I doing in the cemetery? I must have been sleepwalking again.

MINA: Sleepwalking?

LUCY: Yes, I think I’ve told you. It runs in our family. My father used to get up in the middle of the night and leave my mother worried sick. Almost every night. She would accuse him of drinking and fooling around with women, but he was only sleepwalking.

MINA: Says who?

LUCY: He did. That’s what he always told me.

MINA: You’re engaged.

LUCY: Yes, in sleepwalking.

MINA: I see.

LUCY: Don’t tell Arthur. Please.

MINA: I’m your best friend. Your secret is safe with me. Who was he?

LUCY: Really, I have no idea.

MINA (to herself): Slut. (To Lucy) Let’s go home.

(Lights to black as they exit)

SCENE TWELVE

(An actor with a large clock runs across the back of the stage as Lucy and Mina enter)

MINA: My, how time passes.

LUCY: Yes, it does. What a beautiful day. What a gorgeous spot.

MINA: It is. You know, it seems like it was only yesterday that I came to visit, and now it’s nearing the time to go.

LUCY: What do you mean, go?

MINA: I got a letter from a nun at a hospital in Terre Haute, Indiana. Jonathan is there. That’s why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been ill. I have to go to him.

LUCY (suddenly shifting moods): This is where it happened, where that awful man infected me.

MINA: What man?

LUCY: The one from Pennsylvania, who’s been around for a couple of months.

MINA: The one they call Fagula?

LUCY: Yes.

MINA: You weren’t sleepwalking then, were you?

LUCY: Of course not.

MINA: Those weren’t hickeys then, were they?

LUCY: Well, yes, they were.

MINA: He is evil.

LUCY: He’s a man

MINA: But he just pushed himself on you.

LUCY: I invited him.

MINA: You did, even being engaged?

LUCY: There was something about him, something both attractive and repelling. I can’t define it, but I fell for it. And now I suffer this sickness.

MINA: I’m so sorry. If we had stayed together and kept men out of our lives none of this would have happened.

LUCY: But it has. You can’t change what is. I’ll survive.

MINA: But for how long? You look so pale and sickly these days.

LUCY: I’ll survive until God himself, or the Goddess herself, is in need of a good lay. Then I’ll be called home. (She suddenly starts laughing, then her mood shifts again) It is a beautiful day today, though, isn’t it?

MINA: It is. Let’s go home.

(They exit, arm in arm)

SCENE THIRTEEN

(Lights up on Renfield; he is on all fours, like a dog; he sniffs at the air; Dr. Seward and Attendant enter)
ATTENDANT: See, he’s been behaving like this since last night.

DR. SEWARD: Renfield, what is the problem?

RENFIELD: I won’t talk. The master is here.

(Renfield gets up and runs around excitedly, he is gasping and uttering nonsense—almost as if speaking in tongues; he stops and sits in a corner, gazing into space)

DOCTOR SEWARD: Well, then, in that case, I’m going to go back to my office. (To attendant) Let me know if anything changes.

ATTENDANT: Yes, sir. (Doctor Seward turns to exit; the Attendant turns to watch Dr. Seward leave, then back around; Renfield sneaks past him and out the door) Sir! Sir!

DOCTOR SEWARD (rushing back in): What is it?

ATTENDANT: He escaped.

(They bolt out the door; lights to black)

SCENE FOURTEEN

(Lights up; it is night; Renfield has gone to the house next door; he stands by the wall, looking up longingly at the house; he is touching himself through his pants; Dr. Seward and Attendant enter, and watch him from a distance)

RENFIELD: Master! Master! I’m here! I’m your slave boy, Master. I’ll do whatever you ask of me. Just say the word and I shall come.

ATTENDANT: Fags.

DR SEWARD: Renfield, you are master of yourself. There is nobody else here.

RENFIELD: My master has arrived. He has come and so will I.

DR. SEWARD (to Attendant): Grab him and bring him back.

ATTENDANT (taking Renfield by the arm): Let’s go.

RENFIELD: Let go. (A struggle ensues, after which Renfield is subdued, though still squirming) I shall be patient, Master. (Orgasmically) It is coming—coming—coming!

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

RENFIELD: I’m spent. I will fight no more. I worship him.

(They exit; lights to black)

SCENE FIFTEEN

(Lights up; a nun enters and crosses herself; Lucy enters)

SISTER AGATHA: Good afternoon, my child.

LUCY: Hello, I’m looking for my fiancé.

SISTER AGATHA: And what is his name, dear?

LUCY: Jonathan Harder.

SISTER AGATHA (crossing herself): Oh, you poor, poor, dear.

LUCY: What? What’s wrong?

SISTER AGATHA: Nothing. The good Lord takes care of his children.

LUCY: But why do you act that way at the mention of Jonathan?

SISTER AGATHA (crossing herself): He has had a dreadful time. He has talked of horrible things that happened to him.

LUCY: Like what?

SISTER AGATHA (crossing herself): Things I cannot say. I dare not speak its name. The ravings of the sick are the secrets of God.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

LUCY: Take me to him.

SISTER AGATHA: God? You simply need to be Catholic and . . .

LUCY: Jonathan.

SISTER AGATHA: Oh. (Crossing herself) Follow me.

(They exit; Jonathan enters opposite, looking tired and weak; he sits; Sister Agatha and Lucy enter)

JONATHAN (absolutely emotionless): Lucy, what a surprise. I’m so happy to see you.

LUCY: I don’t believe it.

JONATHAN: Believe me. Marry me.

LUCY: Yes! Sister, is there a priest? Before he changes his mind.

SISTER AGATHA: I’ll be right back.

(She steps out and immediately returns with a Priest)

PRIEST (as he enters): Do you . . . ?
JONATHAN: I . . .

LUCY: . . . do.

PRIEST (as he exits): . . . man and wife.

(Blackout)

JONATHAN and LUCY (in the dark): Consummation.

SCENE SIXTEEN

(Lights up as Dr. Seward and Lucy enter)

LUCY: Thank you for making a house call, Doctor.

DR. SEWARD: My pleasure.

LUCY: I knew you’d come again.

DR. SEWARD: Not yet.

LUCY (reclining): Then come here.

(He crosses to her and gently kisses her lips, then her cheeks; as he’s about to move his kisses to her neck he stops)

DR. SEWARD: What’s this? Lucy, what are these lesions on your neck?

LUCY: I don’t know. They’ve been there a while.

DR. SEWARD: I think I have to go now.

LUCY: But we were just about to . . .

DR. SEWARD: Okay, those marks scare me. I can’t make love to you now. Let me take a sample of your blood and test it and if everything looks okay I’ll be back. Give me some blood. (He pricks her skin and takes a trace of blood) Wait for me.

(He exits; she freezes; a couple beats and then he re-enters with Dr. Helsing)

DR. HELSING: This the patient is.

DR. SEWARD: Yes. Lucy, this is Dr. Helsing. Dr. Helsing, Lucy. Dr. Helsing is an old teacher of mind, a medical doctor, philosopher, tarot reader, a bit superstitious and a bit of a charlatan even, but he is good.

LUCY: Hello, Doctor.

DR. HELSING: You are so more beautiful as said in call telephone. Beauty surpass what suggestion I given them by. (To Dr. Seward) Leave now us alone.

(Dr. Seward exits)

LUCY: What an exotic accent. Where are you from?

DR. HELSING: Dakota North only. But I suffer dyslexia verbal, Syndrome Tourette’s, and other maladies of talk speech that difficult. Let me examine now.

(He touches her in many places, making verbal noises at each spot; he goes and opens door and lets Dr. Seward back in)

DR. SEWARD: What is it?

DR. HELSING: Life and death. A danger is there. Now I must home. Let me know if change condition were it so.

(Dr. Helsing exits)

LUCY: So, what is wrong?

DR. SEWARD: Oh, he has verbal dyslexia, Tourette’s syndrome, and some other speech impediments that make it difficult for him to communicate. But he’s a genius.

LUCY: With me. What is wrong with me?

DR. SEWARD: You’re sick. We have to keep a watch on it.

(A loud piercing scream is heard off stage)

LUCY: My God, what was that?

DR. SEWARD: It sounded like my patient, Renfield, next door. He has been howling like that at noon and sunset for a number of days. I must go attend to him.

(He exits; lights to black)

SCENE SEVENTEEN

(Lights up on Renfield; an actor crosses up stage with a quarter moon; Renfield catches and eats a fly; an actor crosses up stage with a half moon; Renfield catches and eats a fly;

an actor crosses up stage with a three quarter moon; Renfield catches and eats a fly; an actor crosses up stage with a full moon; Renfield catches a fly, then throws it down)

RENFIELD: No more. I am sick of flies.

(Blackout)

SCENE EIGHTEEN

(Lights up on Lucy’s room; Drs. Seward and Helsing enter; Lucy’s breathing is very labored and loud; Dr. Helsing examines her for a moment, then pulls Dr. Seward aside)

DR. HELSING: We must transfuse. You or me who give?

DR. SEWARD: Me. No doubt. I’m younger, stronger, I love her, and we need you at full strength.

DR. HELSING: It is then you settled.

(Art enters)
ART: Afternoon. I came immediately. You must be Helsing. Thanks for your help. I’m Art.

HELSING: You are lover yes of woman sick yes. She bad, bad, very. You transfuse.

ART (to Dr. Helsing): Whatever you need. I’d climb the highest mountain for her. I’d die for her. I’d give my last drop of blood her. (To Dr. Seward) What did he say? What did he ask for?

DR. SEWARD: Your last drop of blood. We need your blood, for a transfusion.

ART: Oh. O-oh.

DR. HELSING: Not your last drop, just many. (He laughs; Art faints) Good, no need waste of anesthetic. (He crosses to Lucy, prepares something in a syringe, then injects himself) Drug addict now too. Will make me will calm. (He places a tube between Art’s and Lucy’s arms, then pulls it away) Ah, done. It quick. Your blood flow quick.

LUCY (rising from her bed and talking very fast): I’ve never felt better. Thank you for the blood. You guys are all so handsome. I’d like to do you all. I haven’t had this much energy since I was a little girl. Or a little woman. And I was a good little woman. But I’m better now. Art, you’re my main squeeze. You first. Condoms there. (He grabs a condom; she pulls him into the bed with her; after about two seconds of simulated sex he gets up and leaves; she gets up and grabs Dr. Seward) Your turn, Doctor. Examine me. Condoms there. (He grabs a condom; she pulls him onto the bed for a couple seconds of simulated sex; he gets up and leaves; she rises and goes to Dr. Helsing) Now, you, old man. I don’t care how old you are. I just want it. I want it bad. I want it good. Come with me. Condoms there. (He grabs a condom; she takes him to the bed and after about six seconds of simulated sex he gets up) Mmm. You know how to make it last. (He exits) I’m still looking for it. I have energy to burn. Who next? Who else is left? (Count Dracula enters through the window) Ah, my one true lover, the one who knows how to do me right. Condoms there.

COUNT FAGULA: I don’t like them.

(He takes her to the bed and they have simulated sex that lasts a little while; he gets up and exits through the window)

LUCY: Damn, that was good, but man, it left me tired.

(Drs. Seward and Helsing re-enter)

DR. SEWARD: Lucy, are you all right?

LUCY: I’m exhausted.

DR HELSING (injecting himself again, to Dr. Seward): Your turn. Art gone now. Morphine. Is good. (He puts the tube between Dr. Seward and Lucy’s arms) Done. She is saved.

(Lucy rises)

LUCY: Oh, my God, I feel so good. Like summer sun after days of clouds. Like chirping birds after storms. Condoms there. (They grab condoms and she grabs both of them and brings them to her bed for a few seconds of simulated sex; they exit) That was good, but I need more. (Count Fagula comes in through the window) There you are, my fly-by-night lover, my one true man. You know how to do me right. Condom there. COUNT FAGULA: Really, they take away the feeling.

(He takes her to the bed and they engage in simulated sex; Count Fagula exits)

LUCY: Oh, my God, he knocks me out.

(Drs. Seward and Helsing enter again)

DR. SEWARD: Lucy, are you all right?

LUCY: Oh, I’m just dead tired.

DR. HELSING (injecting himself again): My now turn. Both give and receive. (He places the tube between his arm and Lucy’s). Ah, now done.

LUCY (getting up slowly): Wow, did you know the universe is expanding? Inward as well as outward? It’s collapsing and growing. Imploding and exploding. Swallowing and regurgitating all of us that exist. But it doesn’t matter. Death is somehow life and when we live we are dying. Wait, wait. The now is here. And now I hear music in the distance, somewhere far away, and it has color, green wailing jazz around a purple, Saturnian ring. The color of jazz stabs me. (She screams) The color of jazz murders me. (Screams again, then settles into a trance-like hum) Ah, Uranian blues. (She stops and stares into nothingness while she hears the distant music in her head)

DR. HELSING: Maybe heroin before transfusion not idea good.

DR. SEWARD: Let’s let her rest.

(They exit; Count Fagula enters; he takes her to the bed and they go under the sheets; after a time he gets up and exits)

LUCY: I am a traveler in the grand cosmos. The Milky Way tastes good.

(She collapses; Drs. Seward and Helsing come back in)

DR. SEWARD: Lucy, how are you now?

LUCY: Country music is orange and it itches.

DR. HELSING: She still hallucinate. I give garlic for to her.

DR. SEWARD: Garlic?

DR. HELSING: It cure anything.

LUCY: Smells nice. Goodnight everybody.

(She falls asleep; they exit; lights to black)

SCENE NINETEEN

(Lights up on Dr. Seward in his office; in slow motion, Renfield charges in with a knife; they struggle for a bit; Dr. Seward gets cut)

DR. SEWARD (speaking in slow motion and looking at his hand): I’m bleeding.

(Dr. Seward knocks Renfield to the floor; Renfield licks at the fallen blood; blackout)

SCENE TWENTY

(Lights up on Lucy’s room; she is sleeping; she wakes suddenly, as if from a bad dream, and crosses to the door)

LUCY (yelling out): Is anyone out there?

(She comes back in and lies down; a wolf howls outside; Lucy’s mother enters)

MRS. WEST: Lucy?

LUCY: Mother?

MRS. WEST: Lucy, was that you?

LUCY: No, I think it was a wolf.

MRS. WEST: I don’t golf.

LUCY: A wolf howling.

MRS. WEST: I’m afraid I don’t bowl either.

LUCY: Lobo.

MRS. WEST: Huh?

LUCY: Lobo!

MRS. WEST: I didn’t mean to insult you. I want the garlic. I want to make spaghetti. Like the old days, when your father would come home tired from work and beat me because I had made meat loaf and then I would cook spaghetti for him because it was his favorite and he would forgive me for the awful meat loaf. You used to like my spaghetti too. Do you remember?

LUCY: You can’t have the garlic. Doctor’s orders.

MRS. WEST: What?

(She grabs the garlic)
LUCY: No, give that to me.

(They wrestle for a bit; suddenly Mrs. West grabs her chest as if in pain)

MRS. WEST: Aah, my chest! Pain! (Simply) Ouch.

(She collapses on Lucy)

LUCY: Mother? Mother? Okay, Mother, you can have the garlic. I don’t care. Mother? Mother, get off of me, I can’t move. I’m weak from my sickness and you’re suffocating me. Mother? Mother, you’re sort of cold. And you’ve gotten heavier. I insist you leave now. And leave the garlic behind. Mother! Mother! Listen to me! Oh, damn it. Go away. I hate you. I don’t want you lying with me, especially if you’re . . . if you’re . . . I can’t say it. I can’t bear it. Mother, please . . .

(Drs. Seward and Helsing enter)

DR. SEWARD: And how’s our patient today? (Noticing the body of Mrs. West) Lucy! Your own mother. How could you? You know I’ll come for you, any time of day or night. Just call.

LUCY: No, I think she’s dead.

DR. HELSING: Shit. Fuck. Oh, shit. Goddam it. Goddam it.

LUCY: Dr. Helsing!

DR. SEWARD: He has Tourette’s.

MRS. WEST: To rest? I was sleeping ‘til you two came in.

(She gets up slowly; grabs her chest, then stumbles out; Dr. Seward follows, returns)

DR. SEWARD: Now she’s dead.

LUCY: I’m afraid I’m next. Tell Art good-bye for me.

(She faints; Quincy enters)

DR. HELSING: She need blood more, but we given. Who? Where?

QUINCY: Hey-a. What about me?

DR. HELSING: Not man, but close enough. Give arm. (He puts the tube between Quincy and Lucy; injects himself again) Done. One more.

(Lucy comes to)

LUCY: Oh, I am not well. My mother?

DR. HELSING: Beyond that. Dead.

LUCY: I hated her while she was alive. But now, I sort of miss her. And me?

DR. HELSING: Dying.

LUCY: The god or goddess is looking for a lay.

(She slumps over, dead)

DR. SEWARD: She is gone. At least she will suffer no more. She reached the end.

DR. HELSING: No, afraid. Just beginning.

SCENE TWENTY ONE

(Lights up on funeral parlor)

UNDERTAKER: She makes a very beautiful corpse, sir. It’s quite a privilege to attend on her. It’s not much to say that she will do credit to our establishment.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

UNDERTAKER: You may look at the body.

DR. HELSING: Thanks.

QUINCY: Dang, she is beautiful. They did do a good job. She looks so natural. In fact, if I din’t know better I’d think she was still alive and kickin’. In fact, she looks better. I think I’ll come here when I die. They should consider doing plastic surgery on livin’ folks. They should advertise. “Better in death than in life”, or somethin’ like that. “Gee, we bring dead things to life”. I’d buy it. This is quite the place, yessiree. I’ll bet they do a big ole’ business. I think I’m gonna cry. ‘Cause, really, she’s deader than she looks.

(Quincy sobs)

DR. HELSING: The mother—she look not so good.

QUINCY: Yeah, but she din’t look so hot in life either.

DR. HELSING (quietly, to Dr. Seward): I want tomorrow come back. With knives.

DR. SEWARD: Autopsy?

DR. HELSING (pulling Dr. Seward away): No. Head cut off. Slice at neck. Take heart out too.

DR. SEWARD: Okay, so is your name Jeffrey Dahmer or Dr. Helsing. She’s dead. She died of a horrible disease. Why cut her head off?

DR. HELSING: Trust me. Trust.

DR. SEWARD: Oh, okay, that’s all I needed. A reason. Good.

DR. HELSING: Quiet. Art come now.

ART: She’s gone. She whom we all loved is gone. (He breaks down in tears) I can’t go on. What purpose is there?

DR. HELSING: You will purpose find believe I me.

(Suddenly the lights shift; a large shadow of the number 4 appears on the wall, then disappears as quickly)

ART: What was that?

DR. HELSING: Shadowforing.

DR. SEWARD: Why don’t you go look at her? Take refuge in her peace.

(They stop and look at the body)

ART: Is she dead? They do great work here.

QUINCY: Yep, that’s what I said. Fine work.

UNDERTAKER: A beautiful corpse, don’t you agree? She sure makes us look good.

QUINCY: Whoever has to pay for this should tip pretty good, I think.

ART: And her mother?

UNDERTAKER (pointing): Artists’ clay can be molded. Mud? We did what we could.

ART (looking at mother’s coffin): I see what you mean.

DR. SEWARD: Art, are you okay?

QUINCY: Well, we all . . .

(Dr. Seward stops Quincy with a quick jab)

DR. SEWARD (to Quincy): He thinks he was the only one who gave her blood.

DR. HELSING (to Dr. Seward and Quincy): And else.

ART: I gave my blood that she might live, and here she lies lifeless, and bloodless I long for her still.

(Dr. Helsing starts to laugh a little bit, then more, and then laughs uncontrollably)

DR. SEWARD: Doctor! What are you doing?

DR. HELSING (through his laughter): I not know.

ART (horrified): Stop it.

(Dr. Helsing laughs harder)

DR. SEWARD: For God’s sake, this is Lucy, not Chuckles the Clown!

(Dr. Helsing stops laughing immediately)

DR. HELSING: Sorry, my laughter she is gift. She comfort me in sadness. Tears of laughter tears really sadness.

(They start to walk away in sadness)

UNDERTAKER: Who put the garlic in this young woman’s casket? And the rosary? These were not approved.

(She takes the garlic and rosary as the lights go to black)

DR. HELSING: Never mind now head cutting. Late, too late.

(They exit)

SCENE TWENTY TWO

(Count Fagula is down right, looking longingly at a young man down left; Jonathan and Mina enter; they are walking through a park)

JONATHAN: I love you.

MINA: I love you.

JONATHAN: I’m happy we married.

MINA: I’m happy too.

JONATHAN: Life is good.

MINA: Life is wonderful.

JONATHAN: I love you.

MINA: I love you. (Jonathan suddenly screams as he sees Count Fagula; Mina screams) Oh, why did I scream? What’s wrong?

JONATHAN: That man.

MINA: I don’t think he looks so bad. There’s something attractive about him.

JONATHAN: Don’t look, don’t look. Evil. Fag . . . Fag . . . Fagula.

(Count Fagula sees Jonathan and Mina and stares at them)

MINA: Oh, honey, gay people are okay.

JONATHAN: Not this one. Evil. Evil.

MINA: What’s wrong?

JONATHAN: It’s him. He’s here, in New London.

(The young man exits; Count Fagula follows, looking back one more time as he exits)

MINA: Who?

(Jonathan puts his head on her shoulder and falls asleep; after a bit he wakes up)

JONATHAN: Was I sleeping? I must have been tired. Let’s go to our favorite coffee shop.

MINA: Okay.

JONATHAN: Okay. (They start to exit as lights fade to black) I love you.

MINA: I love you.

JONATHAN: You’re very beautiful.

MINA: You’re very handsome.

JONATHAN: I am so happy.

MINA: I’m happy you’re happy.

JONATHAN: I’m really happy.

MINA: I’m really happy you’re happy.

(Lights are black)

SCENE TWENTY THREE

(Lights up on News Host; same set-up as previously)

NEWS HOST: Hello, and welcome to This Week, a review of all the important news from the past week. Really, the only story this week is that of missing children. Children from all over town are being seduced by some strange woman, or so they say. They don’t come home when they’re supposed to and then have been found weak and tired the next day. Maybe it’s time we pass some curfew laws, some people say. Others say no.

In other news, several hundred people were killed in a hotel fire in France yesterday, including at least two children and one American tourist. More details coming, but first, a cow in New Holstein gave birth to a two-headed calf today. (She suddenly laughs) Ooh, sorry. Weird image. The calf is different from other calves. It’s really sort of cute.

(Blackout)

SCENE TWENTY FOUR

(Lights up on Mina pacing; a knock at the door; she opens it and Dr. Helsing enters)

DR. HELSING: You are Harder Mrs.?

MINA: Yes, call me Mina, and you must be Dr. Helsing.

DR. HELSING: Yes, I come Lucy ask about, and all you know tell.

MINA: You would like me to tell you all I know about Lucy?

DR. HELSING: Yes. Sick too.

MINA: And her sickness?

DR. HELSING: Yes.

MINA: Well, it all started with . . . (She speaks so fast it is unintelligible; all we hear are syllables and sounds; suddenly she stops)

DR. HELSING: You thanks.

MINA: That’s not all I know. My husband, too, has been ill.

DR. HELSING: Tell please me of him.

MINA: Well, he went to see some man in Pennsylvania, about buying a place in New London. He thought he saw the man yesterday. Anyway, the man invited him in and . . .

(She again speaks so fast all we hear is syllables and sound, then stops) He may be here now. I’m afraid for Jonathan’s mental health.

DR. HELSING: Thanks all. I go.

(He exits; lights to black)

SCENE TWENTY FIVE

(Lights up on Dr. Seward)

DR. HELSING (rushing into the room and handing Dr. Seward a newspaper): Read this paper. Tell me what think.

DR. SEWARD: I’m familiar with it. It’s not very good.

DR. HELSING: No, not paper. There specific article is.

DR. SEWARD (looking at the back page): People who make $15,000-$25,000 will get a rebate, but will pay for it with higher taxes in a new bracket. Hmm. I didn’t know that. I’m glad I make a couple hundred thousand, or I’d miss out on the thing.

DR. HELSING: No, not back page. That’s where the unimportant stuff buried. Who care? Front page try, where the real news be located.

DR. SEWARD: Okay, sorry. (He turns the paper over) Two more Hollywood couples splitting up. Oh, no. I thought those two were together forever. They seemed so happy.

DR. HELSING: Further down.

DR. SEWARD: Factoid. Butter is made from cow’s milk. Margarine is made to look and taste like butter, but is actually a butter substitute. A bonus Factoid. Cartoon weeds disappear faster than real ones. Hmm.

DR. HELSING: No.

DR. SEWARD: That’s what it says.

DR. HELSING: Wrong story. Try.

DR. SEWARD: The Daily Poll. 59% of Americans disapprove of teen pregnancy. 59% of Americans are against abortion. 59% of Americans want condom use by teens outlawed. 59% . . .

DR. HELSING: No! News.

DR. SEWARD: Okay, news. Let me see. Bombs in Ireland disrupt peace process. Machine gun fire in Jerusalem breaks cease-fire. War declared in . . .

DR. HELSING: No!

DR. SEWARD (scanning the paper): Sorry, I don’t see anything. What am I looking . . .

DR HELSING (pointing at the paper): Here. Here. Further down. That read it.

DR. SEWARD: Oh, there, okay. Inner city children getting sick and dying. Oh, I see now. They sort of buried that, didn’t they? Puncture wounds in their skin. Necks, arms, wrists, all over their bodies. They sicken and die. (Long pause) I’m missing the point.

DR. HELSING: You no clue? After all so far we been so far through so far? After what you seen and what already know you?

DR. SEWARD: Actually, that would be correct. Tell me.

DR. HELSING: Read—how sick? What the commonality them and Lucy?

DR. SEWARD: Puncture wounds. But we don’t know where Lucy’s came from. Theirs? I don’t know. Drug use? Passing around infected needles? What else could it be?

DR. HELSING: You only see what your conditioning sees you. You need open your eyes to see fully.

DR SEWARD: They are open fully. They have been all along. But I still don’t see what you’re getting at.

DR HELSING: In that case need you close eyes and see what your in your heart.

DR. SEWARD: I don’t know.

DR. HELSING: Know don’t. Feel. Think don’t. Allow.

DR. SEWARD: All I can figure is heroin. It’s becoming popular again. They’ll shoot it wherever they can find an open vein. That would explain the puncture wounds in the neck. Though I know ideally you want to do it in a place that won’t be seen.

DR. HELSING: You too literal. Have faith. Be blind. Faith be blind. Then you’ll see.

DR. SEWARD: I’m a little slow.

DR. HELSING: Think John Edwards. ESP. Out-of-body. Hypnotism. Ghosts. Vampires. Spirits in world. Dead-un, dead-un, dead-un, dead-un, dead-un, dead-un, dead-un. Undead. Horror movies.

DR. SEWARD: I think I’m getting it.

DR. HELSING: Blackula, Buffy, love at first bite, Nosferatu, Dracula, dark shadows, vampires, Vampira.

DR. SEWARD: Movies?

DR. HELSING: Bunnicula, for God’s sake!

DR. SEWARD: You’re saying someone figured out how to get blood from a turnip. Or, in Bunnicula’s case, a carrot.

DR. HELSING: NO! Count Chocula!

DR. SEWARD: Wasn’t he a vampire, who pushed some kind of cereal? Wait, wait. You’re saying Lucy was killed by a vampire. That’s why you wanted to cut her head off.

DR. HELSING: I said not. You doctor of her draw conclusion from mid-air. How smart you be sometime. How smart you be.

DR. SEWARD: I guess I get it now.

DR. HELSING: We go her grave, cut head, stuff mouth with garlic and put stake in heart. Then there be no fear.

(Blackout)

SCENE TWENTY SIX

(Lights up on Art and Quincy)

QUINCY: So, what’s the meetin’ ‘bout?

ART: I don’t know. They wouldn’t say. He only said it had something to do with Lucy.

QUINCY: She’s dead. Ain’t like she ain’t.

(There is a knock at the door)

ART: That must be them. (He goes to the door and opens it) Come in.

(Drs. Seward and Helsing enter)

DR. HELSING: Evening good.

DR. SEWARD: Hello.

ART: We are here, as you asked. What is this meeting about?

DR. HELSING: Hard to explain.

QUINCY: ‘Specially the way you talk, Doc.

DR. HELSING: Must kill dead.

QUINCY: Huh?

DR. HELSING: Must kill the Lucy dead.

ART: How dare you talk about Lucy like that? Desecrating her body? What are you saying?

DR. SEWARD: Let me take this, Doctor Helsing. Gentlemen, I keep telling the good doctor that Lucy died of a disease. It was a horrible disease, but one that with care we can keep from contracting, unless, of course, we have it already. He seems to think there’s more, something about vampires or evil spirits. While I believe he’s wrong, I also think, why take chances? If he’s right and we don’t do what he says, we could all die. If he’s wrong and we do what he says, what have we done at the worst? We’ve cut off the head of the woman we all loved, stuffed her mouth with garlic, stuck a stake through her heart, taken her heart out . . .

ART: Stop!

QUINCY: That’s gross.

DR. SEWARD: Yes, but if we’re right, she’s already dead. She can suffer no more than she already did from her horrible illness.

QUINCY: Well, when you put it that way . . .

ART: Makes perfect sense to me. When do we go?

DR. HELSING: Tonight I be thinking then.

ART: Great. This will be something different for a Friday night. I’ll bring sandwiches.

QUINCY: I can bring along a six-pack.

DR. HELSING (to Art): To be kind, I let you do.

ART: Thank you, that is kind. I will set her free. I will make the undead dead.

DR. SEWARD: And bring back to death the one you love.

QUINCY: The one we all love.

ALL: All.

ART: You are all true friends to me.

(Lights to black)

SCENE TWENTY SEVEN

(Lights up on Dr. Seward’s office; he, Jonathan and Mina enter)

MINA: Dr. Helsing didn’t tell us you lived in an insane asylum.

DR. SEWARD: But I think we all do.

MINA: Oh, that’s funny. That puts me more at ease.

(Renfield is heard screaming off stage)

JONATHAN: What in the world was that?

DR. SEWARD: One of our more illustrious guests, Renfield.

MINA: I thought it was him.

DR. SEWARD: Who? You know of Renfield?

MINA: Count Fagula.

DR. SEWARD: I’m not sure I follow.

JONATHAN: See, the news we bring you is this. We have discovered that the house Count Fagula had me purchase, the very one that I went to Pennsylvania to talk to him about, is the one next door to your asylum.

DR. SEWARD: This could explain some of Renfield’s ravings. Now that I think of it, his lunacy has coincided very well with the comings and goings of Count Fagula, at least as far as we know.

JONATHAN: Maybe, with this new knowledge, you should talk to this Renfield.

DR. SEWARD: I think I will.

JONATHAN: Meanwhile, I’m going back to New London to check on the 50 boxes that Count Fagula had shipped there from Pennsylvania.

DR. SEWARD: What do you suppose is in them?

JONATHAN: My guess is sex toys, something gay and evil.

MINA: The invoices say it’s dirt.

JONATHAN: But that doesn’t seem very likely. Why would you ship Pennsylvania dirt to Wisconsin?

DR. SEWARD: I guess we don’t need to know right now. We just need to find them.

JONATHAN: That’s why I’m heading back to New London tonight.

DR. SEWARD: I’ll let you go then. Excuse me, please.

(He exits; lights to black)

SCENE TWENTY EIGHT

(Lights up on Renfield; he is sitting quietly and smiling; Dr. Seward enters)

DR. SEWARD: Good evening, Mr. Renfield. How are you this evening?

RENFIELD: Doctor, I am fine. I look forward to my impending release.

DR. SEWARD: Release?

RENFIELD: I’m going home, and it makes me happy.

DR. SEWARD: What makes you think such a thing?

RENFIELD: I am ready for my discharge, Mr. De Mille.

DR. SEWARD: You do seem much more rational now than I have seen in some time.

RENFIELD: I am. I’m ready to leave.

DR. SEWARD: Me, too. Good night.

RENFIELD: Good night, Dr. Seward, wherever you are.

DR SEWARD (to Attendant): Watch him, closely. Let me know of anything out of the ordinary.

(He exits; Renfield looks at the Attendant with innocent, puppy dog eyes as the lights fade to black)

SCENE TWENTY NINE

(Lights up on Mina; there is a knock at the door; she opens it; Art and Quincy enter)

MINA: Come in. I’m sorry, everyone’s out right now, so you’ll have to settle for me. I’m Mina.

ART: I knew that from Lucy’s pictures. I’m Art.

QUINCY: Quincy Morris. Texas.

MINA: Pleased to meet you and thanks for coming. Everything we know so far is on the computer out in the other room. You can take turns looking at that. It’ll be easier than me trying to remember everything.

QUINCY: A woman of business who don’t waste time with the small stuff. I like that.

ART: I’m not sure I get all this, but I trust all you people for some reason. I know that everyone involved loved Lucy.

QUINCY: I’ll use the computer first, let you two chat a bit.

(She exits)

MINA: I’d like to be of service to you, in any way I can.

(Art breaks down in tears; she goes to him to comfort him; he stops crying; they look at each other and kiss, then engage in fast-motion simulated sex)

ART (getting up): I am so sorry. You’re married. I’m still in mourning. I don’t know what came over me.

MINA: Sometimes a man just needs to be with a woman.

ART: I’ll go take my turn at the computer.

(He exits and Quincy enters)

QUINCY: How is he?

MINA: Fine now, I think. I comforted him a bit. I like to comfort people.

QUINCY: Well, hey, I’ve been feeling a bit down.

(Quincy takes Mina’s hand in hers and kisses it; Mina leans over and kisses Quincy; they engage in fast-motion simulated sex)

MINA: I haven’t done that since Lucy.

QUINCY: Girl, that was kind. But I shouldn’t have. You’re married. I couldn’t stop myself.

MINA: Sometimes a woman just needs to be with a woman.

QUINCY: Anyway, a big ‘ole thanks.

(Quincy exits as Dr. Seward enters)

DR. SEWARD: I’m back.

MINA: Doctor, I’d like to see that patient of yours, that Renfield.

DR. SEWARD: You can come with me on my rounds. Let’s go.

(Blackout)

SCENE THIRTY

(Lights up on Renfield, deep in thought; Dr. Seward enters)

DR. SEWARD: Hello, Renfield. I have a guest with me today. Can she come in?

RENFIELD: Why?

DR. SEWARD: She is a nice woman who just wanted to meet some of our patients.

RENFIELD: Sure, why not. But let me pick up some things around here. Let me get my box of flies. (He grabs a box from the corner and opens it, then tips it up and dumps the contents into his mouth; he chews for awhile, then looks at the doctor) All right, then. I’m ready.

DR. SEWARD: Come in.

MINA (entering): Hello, Mr. Renfield.

RENFIELD: The woman he wanted to marry is dead. You can’t be her.

MINA: No, I’m Mina. We’re just staying here for a bit.

RENFIELD: Don’t.

MINA: Don’t what?

RENFIELD: Stay.

MINA: I’ve heard you like flies.

RENFIELD: Flies? Do you see any flies? I’ll admit there was a time when I believed that eating life, any life, would give me life.

MINA: I eat meat. Most of us do.

RENFIELD: You misunderstand my point. I am not referring to the cooking of processed meat product. I refer to living things. I refer to eating insects live and larger animals freshly dead. You see, the power over other life was my emotional sustenance, while the flesh and blood was my physical nourishment. I also believed that the more life I ate the longer I myself would live. The more blood I drank the more I could hope for eternity. I refer to living flesh, or at least fresh blood. Most people who eat meat tend to cook out the nourishing element of blood. Christ himself told us to drink blood. “This is my blood, which I give unto you.” It is not surprising that my friends and family decided to have me confined here. Sometimes an idea gets into one’s mind and while it is logical to the mind it inhabits it doesn’t fit neatly into the social fabric in which we are required to live. It frightens those who do not understand it.

DR. SEWARD: We should go.

RENFIELD: Most people can’t even bear to hear truths that they themselves have not arrived at.

MINA: Good night, Mr. Renfield.

RENFIELD: Good night, dear lady. I pray God I may never see your sweet face again. May He bless and keep you.

RECORDED VOICE: Stoked.

(They exit; lights to black)

SCENE THIRTY ONE

(Lights up on Dr. Seward’s office; Drs. Helsing and Seward, Mina and Jonathan, Quincy, and Art all enter and take places)

DR. HELSING: You know why we here.

ART: Doctor, I felt that doing what we did to Lucy’s body was strange. But you’re now proposing to kill a man. That’s not something we should take lightly.

DR. HELSING: He man who infect your wife with evil. He killed her. He seduced her, as he has seduced many others, men and women.

DR. SEWARD: I thought he was gay. I thought that’s why everyone calls him Fagula.

JONATHAN: You wouldn’t know he’s gay from his decorating. Though he did have a lot of Marilyn Monroe, Mae West, and Judy Garland posters around the place.

DR. HELSING: Gay or no, he take women for sex as well too. I know this. He coupled with Lucy.

ART: How dare you! Lucy was pure. She was a virgin when we married. (All the others start laughing) What is so funny?

QUINCY: Sorry, but to be blunt, I did her.

ART: But you’re a woman.

MINA: She liked women. I should know.

JONATHAN: Mina!

MINA: I was going to tell you.

JONATHAN (under his breath): You know, I’ve always wanted to see you do it with another woman. Maybe we could arrange something.

DR. HELSING: I, too.

ART: But you’re old.

DR. HELSING: Experienced.

DR. SEWARD: Me, too.

ART: Jonathan, you’re the only one who hasn’t admitted it.

JONATHAN: She and I never actually met.

ART: See, she wasn’t a slut. She didn’t try to seduce Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Well, if you count phone sex . . .

ART: Never mind. (Pause) Well, I can’t kill you all, and this Fagula is the only one who’s a fag. (Looking at Quincy) Not counting dykes. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m comfortable with scapegoating the Fagula guy.

DR. HELSING: We’re settle then. We all loved our Lucy. We all hate Count Fagula. We kill then what we hate to suffer our hatred. So now hate we all who like him, all evil like him. These monsters exist all over world. They in ancient Greece and Chine. They now scourge of Africa. All should die. If we fail monsters win and Christian world come to end with evil epidemic. It be on our heads.

ART: Okay, let’s kill.

DR. HELSING: Not so easy that. These ones tend witty be.

DR. SEWARD: And Count Fagula will also try to seduce us to his way of life, you can count on that.

MINA (to Quincy): Why are you going along with this? I don’t understand.

QUINCY: Peer pressure. I know straight guys have this thing for women having sex together and if it’s men like him you’re hating, then what the heck. It keeps me safe.

DR. HELSING: Are we agree?

JONATHAN: Mina and I are in.

QUINCY: Shoot, count me in.

DR. SEWARD: I’m with you, Doctor.

ART: You know I’m good.

DR. HELSING: Then we this thing do.

DR. SEWARD: I’ve been talking with Dr. Helsing. We have some strengths that he does not have. (Pulling out a crucifix) We have God on our side. We are freer to come and go without harassment by police. We can work both day and night—his type comes out after dark and stays out ‘til dawn—so we have more time to use. We are devoted to a cause that is not selfish.

MINA: What about them?

DR. SEWARD: They always seem young. They’re strong even though they never eat. It seems they’re always dieting. Other than that I don’t know too much.

ART: What about weaknesses?

DR. HELSING: He allergic.

ART: To what? How do you know?

DR. HELSING: Garlic and ‘Nilla Wafers.

JONATHAN: ‘Nilla Wafers?

DR. HELSING: Got medical records. Allergic ‘Nilla Wafers. Also, very polite. Will not enter place unless asked.

DR. SEWARD: Though once invited he will make himself right at home.

DR. HELSING: Crucifix good. He hate organize religion. Get distracted very at sight crucifix.

QUINCY: What else?

DR. HELSING: Sacred bullet kill him. (Art stands up and crosses to window) Stake through heart. Chop of head.

(Art points a gun out the window)

QUINCY: That’d kill me too.

DR. HELSING: Will kill dead.

(Art shoots; they all scream and duck)

ART: Oh, sorry. It was a bat. I’ve gotten to hate those things.

DR. HELSING: Let go now we to home of Fagula Count. We know he have other—we know not where, but must find. Mina here remain to guard us house.

MINA: That’s not fair.

DR. HELSING: Life not. We have supplies for only us.

DR. SEWARD: Before we go, I just received a message on my pager that Renfield is demanding to see me. Give me a moment.

QUINCY: We’ll go with ya.

DR. HELSING: Then these things I pass to you. (He hands them each a crucifix) To remind God ours. Distract him. (He hands them each some garlic) Wear ‘round neck. Allergic. (Hands them each a gun and knife) For kill or defense. (Hands them each a small flashlight) See in dark. (Hands them each a ‘Nilla Wafer) Take this bread, don’t eat it.

(All of them exit; blackout)

SCENE THIRTY TWO

(Lights up on Renfield’s room; the others enter)

DR. SEWARD: Renfield, what can I do for you?

RENFIELD: It is time for my release. I have fully recovered my sanity and would be pleased to leave this establishment. Will you not sign the papers and let me go? Even your friends can see that I am perfectly rational and am no danger to anyone, including myself. I would like to go now. By the way, you failed to introduce me to your friends. Mina and I have already met.

DR. SEWARD: This is Art Homewood.

RENFIELD: Junior, I presume? I knew your father well. We were in the Legislature together. I was so sorry to hear of his demise.

DR. SEWARD: And this is Quincy Morris, from Texas.

RENFIELD: You should be proud, being from the state that gave us our new President.

QUINCY: I’m prouder of my cattle than anything.

DR. SEWARD: Dr. Helsing.

RENFIELD: The eminent man of science. Your theories on extra-sensory perception are astounding. You have revolutionized the field of physics with your recent discoveries. And your work on the evolution of the brain has been astounding. It is worthy of a Nobel Prize.

DR. SEWARD: Finally, Jonathan Harder.

RENFIELD: The husband of the beautiful lady. Congratulations. Now, Dr. Seward, I entreat you. Please let me go. I am well.

DR. SEWARD: You do seem to be getting along quite well. I’ll talk further with you in the morning.

RENFIELD: I’m afraid you don’t understand the gravity of my request. I need to be released immediately. If I am not, I wash my hands of the responsibility.

DR. SEWARD: Let’s go.

DR. HELSING: Good night, Renfield Mr.

(Renfield jumps in front of them at the door; he holds his hands out, as if in prayer)

DR. SEWARD: No. Tomorrow we can talk more.

(Renfield falls to the floor and manically pleads)

RENFIELD: Please, Doctor, please. You don’t understand. I’m sane now. I’m perfectly sane. I need to get out of here. Take me to a dog house. Put me in chains somewhere else. Stuff me into a trunk somewhere. I don't care. I just can’t stay here. I’m sane. I need to be free. You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You don’t know how desperate I am. You have to let me go. You have to get me out of here. Please, please, please, please, please.

DR. SEWARD (lifting him up): No. The answer is no.

(Renfield walks away; he sits down and looks sadly at Dr. Seward)

RENFIELD: I give. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so. Remember that I tried.

(Blackout)

SCENE THIRTY THREE

(Lights up on Mina’s room; it is dark; she is in bed; a wolf howls in the distance and Renfield’s moaning can be heard from below; suddenly all the noise stops; she gets up and goes to the window to look out; a fog starts rolling into the room)

MINA: Suddenly I feel so tired. I’m exhausted. I must lay down. (She goes to the bed; Renfield’s moaning starts again; she puts her fingers over her ears; after a short time it stops again and all is silent; she looks around the room, but can see nothing; Count Fagula enters through the mist and goes to her; he climbs into bed with her) Oh, Jonathan, that feels good. (She opens her eyes) Oh, no, you’re not Jonathan. You’re . . . this is what he saw. This is what Lucy felt. Why me? (She faints; lights to black)

SCENE THIRTY FOUR

(Lights up on Renfield’s room; Dr. Seward enters)

RENFIELD: I am a man who commands his own destiny.

DR. SEWARD: Where are your flies? I don’t see any flies.

RENFIELD: Flies, flies. The ancients thought the butterfly represented the soul.

DR. SEWARD: So, it’s souls you want now?

RENFIELD: I want life, nothing more.

DR. SEWARD: Do you think you are a god, that you have such control over life?

RENFIELD: No, I wouldn’t dare, but I walk with God.

DR. SEWARD: So, you no longer want flies. You don’t want souls. What is it you want?

RENFIELD: Souls. You can’t eat souls, or drink . . . (He stops in mid-sentence and sits down, staring into space, as if processing) . . . What about souls?

DR. SEWARD: You tell me.

RENFIELD: I don’t want them. I want life.

DR. SEWARD: You can’t take a life without taking the soul.

RENFIELD (singing slowly and like a child): I’m a soul man, soul man.

DR. SEWARD: Should we get you some flies?

RENFIELD: I don’t want souls. (Angrily) Why do you bother me about souls! Why did you tell me about souls! I want life! (Sadly) Why do you saddle me with souls? (Matter-of-factly) Leave me alone. (His mood suddenly shifts) I’m sorry, Doctor. I really do like you.

DR. SEWARD: Is it human life you look to next?

RENFIELD (singing again): I’m only human, born to make mistakes.

(Lights fade to black as he continues to sing; suddenly a scream is heard; lights up as Dr. Seward and attendant rush in; Renfield is lying on the floor)

ATTENDANT: He’s hurt. I don’t get it. How could you hurt yourself like that? Is it possible.

DR. SEWARD: Don’t worry yourself about it. Go get Dr. Helsing for me.

(Attendant exits)

RENFIELD (singing): I’d like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.

DR. SEWARD: Stop. No more suffering.

RENFIELD (weakly): I’m not suffering.

DR. SEWARD: No, me. My ears.

(Helsing enters)

DR. HELSING: Happened what?

DR. SEWARD: We don’t know. He was singing, then he screamed. We raced in and he was on the floor like this. We don’t know.

(Quincy and Art enter)

ART: What’s going on?

DR. HELSING: Dying he is. We need speak to hear him before he go.

(Renfield suddenly sits up, as if about to speak, then collapses back into Dr. Seward’s arms; this happens a number of times; he sits up and stares at each of the others; then lets out a big sigh)

RENFIELD: Whew, I thought I was a dead man. Man, I’m hurting.

DR. HELSING: Tell us all.

RENFIELD: I’m dying, my soul to take flight. I told you so.

DR. SEWARD: What? Told us what?

RENFIELD: To let me go. My death is on your hands. He came here.

DR. HELSING: Who?

RENFIELD: My master. He made me do things. He made me let him in.

DR. HELSING: How?

RENFIELD: By promising things.

DR. HELSING: What?

RENFIELD: It doesn’t matter. He didn’t deliver. He only wanted in.

DR. HELSING: But why?

RENFIELD: The woman.

ART: Where is she? Where’s Jonathan?

QUINCY: In their room. Let’s go!

(Drs. Seward and Helsing, Art, and Quincy all exit)

RENFIELD (as the lights fade to black): Hello, I think I’m dying. I can’t move and I think I’m dying. Is there anyone who could attend to me? Hello? Anyone? (Singing) Good bye Papa, it’s hard to die/When all the birds are singing in the sky/Now that the spring is in the air/Little children everywhere/When you see them I’ll be there/We had joy, we had fun/We had seasons in the sun/But the wine and the song, like the seasons/Have all gone/We had joy . . .

SCENE THIRTY FIVE

(Lights up dimly on Mina and Jonathan’s room; Jonathan is in the bed, as if hypnotized; Count Fagula is holding Mina’s head at his crotch; there is a crash like a door breaking down; Drs. Seward and Helsing; Art and Quincy enter; Count Fagula throws Mina to the side and charges toward them; Dr. Helsing pulls out a ‘Nilla Wafer and holds it in front of Count Fagula)

DR. HELSING: ‘Nilla wafer?

COUNT FAGULA (almost in agony): Nooo! (The others approach him with their crucifixes lifted) Oh no, not religion. There’s nothing worse than proselytizing. You people are so superstitious. (He backs to the door, then turns and runs)

JONATHAN (coming to): What’s going on here?

QUINCY: It’s all right, boy. Everything’s gonna be all right.

MINA: Oh, men.

QUINCY: Yeah, I think it is.

DR. SEWARD: I fear she may have been infected by him.

MINA: This is not his first time here. He has come before.

JONATHAN: That would explain why she has been looking so pale and weak, the night sweats, the marks on her neck and body. Something seemed strange. I just couldn’t place it. Now I get it. They’re the same marks you said Lucy had. Boy, do I feel dumb. Is she going to be all right?

DR. HELSING: We must see and wait.

MINA: I’m scared.

DR. SEWARD: We’ll stay nearby. He won’t be back again tonight.

JONATHAN: Let me hold you.

(Jonathan and Mina snuggle, then she pulls away)

MINA: I’m unclean. You can’t come near me or you will become just like me.

JONATHAN: Nonsense, I’ll be safe. Come here. We can snuggle. I can hold you.

DR. SEWARD: Mina, tell us what happened.

MINA: Jonathan was passed out. Count Fagula came to the window. I think he has done this before, but I couldn’t say. It is as if he hypnotizes a person, he has such power. There is something that draws you to him, even when you know you shouldn’t. He came in. He seduced me, I don’t know how. I wanted him, even though I knew I shouldn’t, even though I knew in my heart he could make me like him. But I couldn’t stop. God help me, I couldn’t stop. Jonathan, forgive me. God, forgive me.

(She wipes around her mouth and rubs her lips furiously, as if trying to erase the memory of him)

DR. HELSING: Daylight come. He now sleep.

QUINCY: What are we to do?

DR. HELSING: We must to break into his house and find evidence of all his houses, so know we where to look search for him.

JONATHAN: Then let’s go now.

DR. HELSING: We break in we caught in jail. We hire locksmith we walk in. We wait.

ART: We should go, quickly.

DR. HELSING: No rush. Fagula sleep. He got filled sexual appetite and filled someone else. (Jonathan clears his throat; Mina winces) Forgive insensitive forgetful. We go. Rest now. ‘Til office hours. Mina, you wait here while work we. Here. (He takes the ‘Nilla Wafer and crushes it on her forehead) Blessed wafer that protect. Allergic.

MINA: Ow, damn it. That hurt. I think you cut me.

DR. HELSING: Sorry. Not so bad look. Sorry.

DR. SEWARD: Everyone, let’s take hands and pledge to be true to each other.

(They all hold hands)

ALL: We pledge to be true to each other.

DR. SEWARD: Good. Mina, you rest. Jonathan, the rest of you, let’s go find the house.

(All of them exit, leaving Mina alone as the lights fade to black)

SCENE THIRTY SIX

(Lights up as Quincy and Art enter with a locksmith; Drs. Seward and Helsing and Jonathan wait opposite)

LOCKSMITH: This is the place?

QUINCY: Uh, yep.

ART (to Quincy): The last of his many houses. I can’t believe we found them all.

QUINCY: Shh, not too loud there.

LOCKSMITH: His? Did you say his house?

ART: No. Never mind.

LOCKSMITH: If it ain’t your house . . .

QUINCY: This. He said this house. He’s got hisself an accent, though.

LOCKSMITH: Ah.

ART: Just go on with your work.

LOCKSMITH: Only gonna take a moment.

(A policeman stops at the three waiting opposite)

POLICEMAN: You three always just hang in the bushes like that? You queer?

DR. HELSING: Queer, no. Odd, yes. We horticulturalists. Studying plant.

JONATHAN: Yes, horticulture.

POLICEMAN: Well, you can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her drink.

DR. HELSING: Huh?

DR. SEWARD: Plant joke.

DR. HELSING: Plant joke?

POLICEMAN: What’s better than roses on the piano?

JONATHAN: I don’t know. What?

POLICEMAN: Two lips on the organ. Get it?

DR. HELSING: I get not it nor horti- . . .

JONATHAN: Ha, ha, ha. That’s funny. Funny.

DR. SEWARD: If you’ll excuse us, Officer, we need to categorize the taxonomic classification of the aforementioned flora.

POLICEMAN: Whatever you say. Intelligent people are weird.

(He crosses the street and stops at the house)

QUINCY: Howdy, Occifer.

POLICEMAN: Not from around here, are ya?

QUINCY: Nah, Texas.

POLICEMAN: What’re ya doin’ here? Breaking into a house?

ART: Oh, no, locked the keys inside. That’s all.

POLICEMAN: Your house?

ART: Yes.

POLICEMAN: Could I see some identification?

(Reaching into pockets and coming up empty-handed)

ART: You know what? I think I left it in the bedroom.

(Policeman says something unintelligible into a radio, then turns to Art)

POLICEMAN: You own any other property around here?

ART: No, I don’t think so.

(Policeman says something unintelligible into his radio, then turns back to Art)

POLICEMAN: What’s your name?

ART: Art.

POLICEMAN (looking across the street): Hmm. Art and scientists. There’s something strange about this.

ART (to Quincy): What did he say?

QUINCY: Don’t ask. Just answer.

(Policeman says something unintelligible into his radio, then turns back to Art)

POLICEMAN: Say, do you have any artificial limbs?

ART: No, I don’t think so. None that I’m aware of.

POLICEMAN: Okay, I’m going to leave you alone now. Just be careful. There’s people been breaking into places all over town today.

ART: Thanks, Officer.

(The policeman exits)

LOCKSMITH: There. You’re in. Thanks for the business.

(He exits; Drs. Seward & Helsing and Jonathan come across the street; they all go in; blackout)

SCENE THIRTY SEVEN

(Lights up on interior of Count Dracula’s New London home)

DR. HELSING: Work quickly. Spread garlic and wafers around house.

(They go to work covering the different areas of the house; a phone rings)

DR. SEWARD: I’ll get it. (He picks up the phone and slams it back down again) That was Mina. She saw him. He’s on his way here.

DR. HELSING: Shit, goddam, goddam, goddam. Piss, goddam. (Beat) Tourette’s.

QUINCY: Arrange yourselves. A couple behind the door. A couple over there. I’ll stand here.

(They all wait quietly as they hear a soft whistling coming closer; it stops right outside the door; they hear the sound of keys, then the slow turning of a door knob; suddenly Count Fagula flies past them into the center of the room; Jonathan advances with his knife drawn and tries to slice Count Fagula, who ducks out of the way; Count Fagula takes a step toward Jonathan; the rest all raise their wafers and crucifixes; he steps back in fear; he glares at them all with hatred; he makes a sudden move under Jonathan’s outstretched arm, races past him and off stage; there is the sound of crashing glass)

JONATHAN (looking out after him): He got away. How did we let him get away?

DR. HELSING: Neverlessthe. We learned he fear. He ‘fraid of us. Give us more courage.

JONATHAN: We should go make sure Mina is safe.

(They exit; lights to black)

SCENE THIRTY EIGHT

(Lights up; they are all gathered at Dr. Seward’s place)

MINA: Dr. Helsing, I came up with an idea.

DR. HELSING: Yes, what?

MINA: You know hypnosis, right? I want you to hypnotize me. Somehow I feel very connected to our enemy and I think that I may have a psychic link with him. If so, you may be able to get valuable information.

ART: That’s crazy.

QUINCY: And the rest of this ain’t?

DR. SEWARD: Quincy’s right. It’s worth a try. It can’t leave us further behind.

JONATHAN: I agree, except that I want to know it won’t hurt her, to be in his mind, or his in her.

DR. HELSING: There are guarantees none for life is gamble. We live in large casino.

MINA: I want to try, Jonathan. I think it will work.

JONATHAN: Then it’s settled.

DR. HELSING: You very sleepy.

MINA: Yes, I am. Exhausted, really.

DR. HELSING: Focus on words. Sleep. Sleep. You sleepy. Sleepy, sleepy you. You sleepy. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Deep. Deep. Sleep. Deep. Sleep. Sleep.

QUINCY (aside to Art): I don’t know about no hypnotizin’, but he’s sure puttin’ me in some kind of slumberland.

DR. SEWARD: Shhh.

DR. HELSING: Sleep. Sleep. Where are you?

QUINCY: Who?

DR. SEWARD: Shh. Mina.

QUINCY: Sorry. She’s right there, where does he think?

DR. SEWARD: Shh. Just . . . shh.

MINA: I don’t know.

DR. HELSING: Where you are?

MINA: I said I don’t know.

DR. HELSING: Then, what see you?

MINA: Darkness, black.

DR. HELSING: Hear?

MINA: Water, water. I hear endless water.

DR. HELSING: You are on a ship?

MINA: That’s it.

DR. HELSING: Wake now up. Not sleepy more.

MINA (waking): Oh, I had a dream. (Looking at Dr. Helsing and then the rest) No. But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you—and you—and you—and you were there.

RECORDED VOICE: Ozmosis.

JONATHAN: He’s leaving New London.

DR. HELSING: But where to?

ART: Probably back to Pennsylvania.

QUINCY: This is Wisconsin. What kind of ship could he be on?

DR. SEWARD: The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And a straight line from New London back to Pennsylvania is right across Lake Michigan. That means one of two things. Either he charters a boat or he takes the S. S. Badger out of Manitowoc.

QUINCY: What’s that?

DR. SEWARD: It’s a passenger and car ferry across the lake. To my knowledge the only one, and the amount of time it takes is short compared to going around Chicago. All we need to do is find out the schedule.

MINA: Well, of course, there’s no winter service, but in the spring and fall it leaves Manitowoc every morning at 8:30. During the summer, June 16 to September 1, there are two daily trips, at 7:30 a.m. and again an evening cruise at 7:45 p.m.

DR. HELSING: You know this head top?

MINA: It’s something of a hobby of mine. With all of Jonathan’s travels I have gotten interested in plane, bus, train, and ship schedules.

DR. HELSING: I find strange.

MINA: Okay, it’s a tad obsessive, but it is coming in useful, isn’t it?

DR. HELSING: Yes, must admit. We follow

DR. SEWARD: I doubt that he’ll be able to get to Manitowoc by 7:30, so he’ll have to take the night crossing.

ART: Plus, he prefers to stay inside during the day.

JONATHAN: So, we have until this evening to get their ourselves.

DR. SEWARD: Let’s catch a flight to Ludington and surprise him when he arrives.

MINA: Do we really need to do this, when he’s gone from us?

DR. SEWARD: If we don’t he may do to others what he has already done to you and Lucy, probably to Renfield, probably to other men before him. It is our sacred duty.

MINA: It doesn’t seem necessary.

DR. HELSING: Let me poetic be. He infect you in such wise, that even if he do no more, you have only to live—to live in your own old, sweet way; and so in time, death, which is of man’s common lot and with God’s sanction, shall make you like to him.

I’m stoked.

ART: Nice poem.

MINA: I’m going to rest.

(She exits)

DR. HELSING: She changes. She look sick, pale. Can see in face lines of harrowing speak sick.

DR. SEWARD: She should stay here. Jonathan, you should stay with her.

JONATHAN: But I have more cause to kill him than any of you.

(They all laugh)

QUINCY: Sorry, but you forget that we all . . . never mind.

MINA (re-entering): I am going with. I don’t care what any of you say.

JONATHAN: Then it’s settled. Mina comes too.

MINA: You need me. I want only one thing.

DR. SEWARD: And what is that?

MINA: I want all of you to promise me that when the time comes you will not hesitate to let me die.

QUINCY: What time?

MINA: A time, any time, when I am so sick I cannot walk, I cannot think, speak, or fight for myself, when my breathing is continued by machines instead of my lungs and my heart beats mechanically instead of pounding from its own joy. Promise me, all of you, that you will not let me live a walking or sleeping corpse.

QUINCY: I will do whatever you ask.

DR. HELSING: I.

DR. SEWARD: Me too.

ART: As difficult as the thought is, I promise.

MINA (to Jonathan): And you, my dear man?

JONATHAN: I will do as you wish, but that’s a long way off.

MINA: I think I am sicker than you know. Read this.

(He takes a sheaf of papers from her and groans)

JONATHAN: Must I? This is morbid.

MINA: It’s not just for me.

(Jonathan takes the sheet and reads from it; lights fade to black as he reads)

JONATHAN: The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want/In verdant pastures he give me repose;/Beside restful waters he leads me; he refreshes my soul./He guides me in right paths for his name’s sake./Even though I walk in the dark valley I fear no evil; for you are at my side/With your rod and your staff that gives me courage.

(Lights are black)

SCENE THIRTY NINE

(Lights up on the group, except for Art, at the harbor; Jonathan is sharpening a knife; others are checking guns, crucifixes, etc.; Art enters and crosses to them)

ART: I told the ferry people that someone on board stole something of ours. They are going to let us on before anyone is let off.

DR. HELSING: Good think.

ART: I got an order from the owner to the captain.

MINA: It should be here by now.

DR. SEWARD: The fog has been bad. That probably slowed it down some.

MINA: It should still be here. It has navigational systems. I’m afraid something’s wrong. Nothing ever works right. I’m tired.

DR. HELSING: Let me you hypnotize. Sleep.

(Her head falls to her chest)

QUINCY: Dang, you’ve gotten good at that.

DR. HELSING: Where are you?

MINA: Water. Hear gulls now.

DR. HELSING: Wake. It close.

JONATHAN: I can’t see anything through this fog.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, due to the heavy fog the S. S. Badger is being rerouted from Ludington to South Haven. We apologize for any inconvenience.

DR. HELSING: Where Haven South?

QUINCY: I can’t right say, but I’m guessin’ south o’ here.

MINA: It’s southeast. It’ll be a much closer route from there than here. He’ll be that much closer to Pennsylvania. And that boat can travel fast.

DR. SEWARD: To the airport.

JONATHAN: We can only go so far as Pittsburg, and then we must take a cab, walk, rent a car, a horse, something. And, unfortunately, the airplane is going to go through Minneapolis first.

DR. HELSING: But it is west of east.

JONATHAN: It’s a hub.

DR. HELSING: It’s a crock.

DR. SEWARD: Let’s go. We have to get there fast.

(Blackout)

SCENE FORTY

(The sound of a jet is heard landing; lights up; the group is in an airport)

DR. SEWARD (hanging up a telephone): We must split up. It looks like someone matching his description chartered a boat down by the Allegheny River. The likelihood is that he’s taking a boat up the river, which, if I remember right, goes almost to his home. But we can’t all follow like a crazy posse. If we have problems, or we are wrong, it would be best to be in groups. Dr. Helsing, you and Lucy go by land directly to the house. Art and Jonathan, you charter a boat and follow him up the river. Quincy and I will follow along the highway next to the river.

DR. HELSING: Done it is.

MINA: We have Jonathan’s map. We know the way he went, even though the place is way out of the way. We may be able to beat all of you there.

JONATHAN: You can’t take her into his house. It’s a trap.

DR. HELSING: I intend to do, not her. I will set traps all over house, not her.

(Jonathan kisses Mina)

JONATHAN: Be safe.

MINA: I will.

(The three parties all exit; Dr. Seward and Quincy enter in a speeding taxi which goes across the up stage wall

2^ND CAB DRIVER (as they exit): I’m goin’ as fast as I can. Jeez.

(A fog horn sounds as Art and Jonathan enter down left in a boat)

ART: It’s getting cold. It feels like winter and it’s still summer.

JONATHAN: It’s quite an adventure.

(They exit; a horn sounds as the cab comes by again)

DR. SEWARD: Quick, quick, we must push on.

2^ND CAB DRIVER (as they exit): I’m goin’ as fast as I can. Jeez, you better tip good.

(A fog horn sounds as Art and Jonathan enter down right in their boat; they suddenly crash into the scenery)

JONATHAN: Damn it!

ART: We have to repair it. There’s a harbor just ahead.

(They slowly exit; an intercom is heard)

INTERCOM VOICE: The Greyhound bus from Pittsburgh has now arrived. Passengers will be unboarding at Gate 5.

(DR. HELSING and MINA enter; Dr. Helsing whistles)

DR. HELSING: Taxi! Taxi! Right here.

(There is the sound of a car pulling away; Mina bares her leg; the sound of screeching breaks)

CAB DRIVER THREE: Where to? I’m over here.

(The three of them exit; the sound of a horn wildly honking; the three of them re-enter opposite and race across the stage; they then do a number of circles and come to a stop)

MINA: Why are you stopping?

CAB DRIVER THREE: Road’s washed out. You gotta hoof it from here.

(Dr. Helsing pays him and he speeds off; they walk around in circles for a bit)

MINA: This way.

DR. HELSING: How you know?

MINA: Jonathan’s diary.

DR. HELSING: We must eat stop.

MINA: I’m not hungry. I don’t feel like eating anymore.

DR. HELSING: Hmm.

MINA: It’s starting to snow.

DR. HELSING: It summer is.

MINA: But it’s cold and we are in the mountains. I swear I saw a snowflake. I admit I’m scared.

(Dr. Helsing puts ‘Nilla Wafers in a circle around them)

DR. HELSING: There. Now safe.

(Vamp One enters and circles around them, staying outside of the wafers; Mina is terrified; Dr. Helsing is both frightened and curious)

VAMP ONE (to Mina): Come, come, come, come. Come join your sisters.

(Mina screams; the vamp leaves)

DR. HELSING: Is relief. You not yet them.

MINA: I like my men.

DR. HELSING (grabbing the ‘Nilla Wafers): Come, must push on. We close.

(They exit; Jonathan and Art enter)

JONATHAN: Damn it, damn it.

ART: So, we can’t fix the boat. We’ll rent a car. We’ll get there.

(They exit; a horn sounds as the 2^nd Cab Driver, Dr. Seward and Quincy enter)

DR. SEWARD: You can slow down now. We’re almost there.

QUINCY: How d’ya know?

(The sound of howling wolves)

DR. SEWARD: I can feel it.

(They exit; Vamp One enters and lies down; Dr. Helsing enters; they are in Count Fagula’s house)

DR. HELSING: So this where Jonathan trapped. I see what meant by décor comment. (He starts placing ‘Nilla Wafers everywhere he can around the house; the sound of wolves is heard in the distance) It foul here. Disgust. Smell like perversion. Good to take door off hinge to not trap. Here the first to die. Foul, vile dyke. (He lifts his stake to attack her, but cannot move) Stunned by beauty. Cannot paralyze move. (He remains motionless for a moment)

MINA (in the distance): Doctor Helsing, where are you. Don’t leave me alone.

(At that moment he stabs Vamp One with the stake; she releases a horrifying scream; he then goes off stage)

DR. HELSING: Here, second one. Kill too. (A wail is heard from Vamp Two) Now third done gone. (Another wail, from Vamp Three; he re-enters) First deeds done. Now big one wait.

(He puts more ‘Nilla Wafers down, then exits; Mina enters and paces in the circle nervously; Dr. Helsing enters; she goes to him and hugs him)

MINA: I’m afraid of what you’ve done.

DR. HELSING: Look, look. They come. He being led by Amish men, who know them these hills. The fiend.

MINA: They’re carrying him. Maybe he can’t walk himself.

DR. HELSING: Whatever. They must this come way. Maybe we can no stop them.

MINA: We must.

DR. HELSING: Wait, behind, our two come.

MINA: It’s Quincy and Dr. Seward. But where are the others?

DR. HELSING: I’m sure coming.

MINA: There, Jonathan and Art, coming from the other direction.

DR. HELSING: Woo-hoo! (Dr. Helsing pulls out his gun) We soon have Amish surround. Must careful be.

JONATHAN (off stage): Halt.

AMISH MAN: Keep going. The Lord is with us.

AMISH WOMAN: The Lord is with us.

MINA (pulling out her gun): I’m ready for this.

(Dr. Helsing and Mina move down stage left; the two Amish persons and Count Fagula enter up right; they move in place, as if running, getting closer little by little; they reach center)

JONATHAN and QUINCY: Halt!

(Dr. Seward, Jonathan, Art, and Quincy all enter and surround the two Amish persons and Count Fagula; as they do Dr. Helsing and Mina step out with their guns pointed at them; Quincy and Jonathan approach them; Quincy brandishes her knife; the Amish woman attacks Quincy with her own knife; Quincy stumbles; Jonathan cuts Count Fagula’s throat as Quincy stabs Count Fagula in the chest with her stake as she’s falling; the Amish couple races off stage)

COUNT FAGULA: There was a time before the darkness came . . . that I was exactly like you. The darkness fell, and so did I . . . I am a man like you.

(Blackout)