(A professor enters with a tall man and two aliens; they stop in the corner)

ALIEN 1: You can’t do this to us!

ALIEN 2: We have rights!

PROFESSOR: Shut up! You’re illegal aliens.

ALIEN 1: Are there legal aliens?

ALIEN 2: Sigourney Weaver, maybe.

ALIEN 1: I’m Sigourney Weaver. Leave me alone.

ALIEN 2: I vant to be alone.

ALIEN 1: That’s Greta Garbo.

PROFESSOR: Handsome und Greta.

MAN: Please, be quiet, guys. It will be worse for us in the long run if we don’t cooperate.

PROFESSOR: Very wise, guy. Go sit down.

MAN: What’s it going to be today? A musical? Western? Please, no more sci-fi.

PROFESSOR: You’re in luck.

MAN: No sci-fi.

PROFESSOR: No, worse.

ALIEN 1: Not . . .

PROFESSOR: Yes.

ALIEN 2: Not . . .

PROFESSOR: Yes, slasher theater. (He laughs hysterically)

MAN: Oh, no, not . . .

(Professor only laughs)

Man: . . . Friday the 13^th?

ALIENS: No!

PROFESSOR: Yes! Part 128. Jason Meets the Founding Fathers. Have a seat. Enjoy the show.

(The three sit in the front row of the audience; they will provide running commentary throughout the play; except for a few specific lines in the script, their lines will be improvised; as they take their seats, Jason walks across the stage and exits; he is wearing a hockey mask)

HEROINE (off stage): There he is!

HERO (off stage): Get him!

(Two people enter)

HEROINE: Where did he go?

HERO (finding a box on the other side of the stage): I don’t know. He’s gone. He was right here, and now he’s gone. And all that’s left is this box.

HEROINE: What is it?

HERO: A box. But it looks like a time machine.

HEROINE: How do you know?

HERO: It says “Time Machine” on it.

HEROINE: So this could be how Jason keeps coming back? He’s actually moving back and forth through time. Killing people and escaping into the past.

HERO: Or the future.

ALIEN 1: I’m feeling tense.

HEROINE: Let’s follow him. Which way did he go?

HERO: Backwards. Into the past. It says late 1700’s on here.

HEROINE (yelling off stage): Mom, I’m going time traveling in search of a mass murderer. Don’t wait up for me. I’ll be home sooner or later.

(They exit; Thomas Paine enters opposite and stands at a podium; during this, Jason enters; the hero and heroine enter and try to sneak up on him, but can’t)

OFF STAGE VOICE: And now for some common sense, ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Paine.

PAINE: Good evening and thanks for coming. As several of my colleagues and others of my fellow-citizens of France have given me the example of making their voluntary and individual profession of faith, I also will make mine; and I do this with all that sincerity and frankness with which the mind of man communicates with itself.

I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life.

I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavoring to make our fellow-creatures happy.

But, lest it should be supposed that I believe in many other things in addition to these, I shall, in the progress of this work, declare the things I do not believe, and my reasons for not believing them.

I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.

All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

(There is horrifying music; Jason suddenly attacks Paine, brutally killing him, and then exits)

ALIEN 2: Who was that masked man?

ALIEN 1: What are we watching?

MAN: Jason Meets the Founding Fathers. I recognize it.

ALIEN 1: What’s it all about?

MAN: Jason meeting the founding fathers.

(Heroine bends over Paine, listening for a heartbeat, and then screams)

ALIEN 1: Did she just feel pain?

HEROINE (as they’re dragging the body off stage): We have to get him. Before he destroys our future.

HERO: And makes a nasty present of our past.

PROFESSOR (entering): And now here’s Paul Revere with the rest of the story . . . (laughs) . . . good day.

(Blackout; then lights right back up)

HEROINE: Where are we now?

HERO: I don’t know, but we must be brave of heart.

HEROINE: Shh, someone’s coming.

(Betsy Ross enters with partially knitted flag and knitting gear; she sits and starts to work)

BETSY (singing): I am woman, hear me roar.

HERO: That’s Betsy Ross—we’re in the past.

ALIEN 1: Yoo-hoo, Myth America.

BETSY: Why do the women always get stuck with these things?

HEROINE: We haven’t changed. We’re right where we were.

BETSY: Betsy, why don’t you make the flag? You’re such an incredible seamstress. And it is a woman’s job. What do they mean, woman’s job? I wanted to go to battle. No. I have to stay here making the damn flag. Where’s the fairness in that?

(George Washington enters)

MAN: That’s George Washington.

ALIEN 2: How do you know?

ALIEN 1: It says in the program.

WASHINGTON: Good afternoon, Betsy. Flag done?

BETSY: Hell! Oh, George. Hello. No, it’s not. Is the war done? Are we independent yet?

WASHINGTON: Well, you are, but no, it’s not. However, I didn’t come here to talk politics. I came here because my sleeves need doing up.

BETSY: George, why can’t I go?

WASHINGTON: Go?

BETSY: To battle.

WASHINGTON: You’re a woman, if you hadn’t noticed.

BETSY: Yes, and what about Molly Pitcher?

WASHINGTON: To be honest, everyone thinks she’s a man. So, enough of that. I’d like some embroidered ruffles on the sleeves, please.

BETSY: Everyone will think you’re a woman.

WASHINGTON: One has to look good in battle. Can’t be too pretty for war, you know. Except for you, my dear.

BETSY: Dear?

WASHINGTON: Well, I must be running. I have an appointment with an historian.

ALIEN 1: Foreshadowing.

WASHINGTON: I’ll be back for the shirts. Thanks, Betsy, and keep up the good work on the flag.

(Betsy sets down the flag and picks up the shirts; as she speaks Jason sneaks in and picks up the flag; he does a sexy dance with it)

BETSY: Dear? Did he call me dear? Oh, dear. If I had left them with their six-pointed star . . . if I hadn’t shown them in one easy snip how to make a five-pointed star, I would not be doing this now. I might be fighting. No, I am a woman. They would not let me fight. They won’t let me vote when it’s over. They won’t let me own property. They won’t let me lead or do anything other than mother and wife the rest of my life. Such important men are impotent men when it comes to being fair. They fight for equality, but it is equality amongst the members of their own ruling class. No vote for women or Negros or anyone who does not already own land. We women fight only for the honor of who sews the first flag. Or who best nurses the injured. Or who loses the most husbands and sons in honorable battle. I don’t want to sew ruffles when I am ruffled so. So, what now?

(Jason seductively dances his way to her and strangles Betsy with the flag)

HEROINE: Oh, no, he’s killing her. Let’s stop him!

HERO (rushing to her): I think we’re too late. she’s dead.

HEROINE: Oh, no!

HERO: Let’s go back to our own time.

HEROINE: Oh, no. The machine—it’s gone!

HERO: Now we have to catch him. Let’s go.

(They exit; Professor enters)

PROFESSOR: One by one the founders drop;

Killed by a wan’dring hockey fop;

Now the country on its knees

Begs for mercy and says please

Make the senseless killings stop.

Make the senseless killings stop.

(Blackout and then lights back up quickly; Washington enters with Historian)

HISTORIAN: Your life is a great story. Tell me, why did you cut down that cherry tree?

WASHINGTON: Well, actually, I didn’t do such a thing. Mason Weems made that up to show how honest and upright I am.

HISTORIAN: I see. It does show that. I’ll include it.

WASHINGTON: But you shouldn’t. It’s not true.

HISTORIAN: You’re not honest and upright?

WASHINGTON: Yes, I am. The story is not true.

HISTORIAN: History is not true. It is perspective, and this one is mine. Now, if I may be personal . . .

WASHINGTON: Um . . . well . . . certainly.

HISTORIAN: What kind of wood are the teeth?

WASHINGTON: Pardon?

HISTORIAN: Your teeth. Oak? Willow?

WASHINGTON: They’re not wood.

HISTORIAN: Oh?

WASHINGTON: No, they are false, but not wooden.

HISTORIAN: The teeth are false, but you are true. And you say the truth is the teeth are treeless.

WASHINGTON: True, they are not from trees. I would that they were.

HISTORIAN: Why? What would it matter?

WASHINGTON: Because they are actually made of a cow’s tooth, hippopotamus ivory, metal, springs, and one of my own that is remaining—all told, not very comfortable.

HISTORIAN: I think I’ll write it as wood—far more colorful. Tell me about throwing your money into the river.

WASHINGTON: I never did such a thing. Someone made up a story that I threw a silver dollar across the Potomac when I was a child.

HISTORIAN: And what makes you so certain you didn’t? Do you remember everything from your childhood so well?

WASHINGTON: There was no such thing as a silver dollar when I was a child.

HISTORIAN: Do you think people care about such details?

WASHINGTON: I do!

HISTORIAN: Now I know I have to include the cherry tree story. I’ve never met anyone so honest. But, that’s beside the point . . . back to the interview. Tell me, what’s it like living in the White House?

WASHINGTON: They haven’t finished building it yet.

HISTORIAN: What’s it like living in the White House during construction?

WASHINGTON: I never did. I helped pick the spot, but I never . . .

HISTORIAN (looking at his watch): Oh, look at the time. We need to wrap this up. One more question. What’s it like to be king?

WASHINGTON: I’m sorry, but you’ve gone too far. I am not, nor have I ever been, king.

HISTORIAN: It sounds grander than that new title they’ve come up with for you. Don’t you think King George would sound good in print?

WASHINGTON: After this interview, I am not sure I want you writing about me. In fact, I am now asking you not to publish any . . . (Jason rushes in and stabs Washington; the Hero and Heroine are following, but are too late to stop it; Washington speaks to the Hero) . . . please, see that my slaves are emancipated. I’m sorry for . . . (Jason lunges and stabs him again) . . . I never cut down the . . . (Jason stabs him again) . . . The Potomac is a mile wide . . . (Jason stabs him one more time and rushes off stage; Washington drops)

HERO: He’s dead.

HEROINE: We keep getting here too late . . . just seconds after we could do something to help. What will we do?

HERO: He’s dead.

(Jason pops back in, showing them the time machine, and then escapes again)

HEROINE: He has the machine. He has our ticket to the future!

HERO: We have to get him!

PROFESSOR (entering): The evil one in the hideous mask is wreaking havoc wherever and whenever he goes. Our two heroes are too lame to stop him. What next? Who next?

(He laughs hysterically and exits; a Person with a hockey mask enters and races out to center stage)

HERO (screaming): There he is! Kill him! (Hero starts beating the Man with a hockey stick, ultimately knocking him down and killing him) He’s dead

(Hero continues to beat the deceased body)

HEROINE (during the beating): Go, yes, go, oh, go ,yes, oh, oh, yes, good, good.

HERO: He’s dead.

HEROINE: You say that a lot.

HERO: He is.

HEROINE: Good.

HERO: Let’s unmask him and find out who it is.

HEROINE (removing the mask): Oh my god.

HERO: What?

HEROINE: Oops. Somehow we came back to the future. That’s Wayne Gretzky.

(The sound of sirens is heard)

HERO: Now what do we do?

(Jason enters with time machine and pushes a button; blackout; lights up; Thomas Jefferson and James Madison enter and pace for a bit)

MADISON: We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union.

JEFFERSON: Ah, such poetry.

MADISON: Establish justice.

JEFFERSON: Yes.

MADISON: Insure domestic tranquility.

JEFFERSON: Yes.

MADISON: Provide for the common defense.

JEFFERSON: Yes, I don’t think I could write anything better.

MADISON: Promote the general welfare.

JEFFERSON: Ever. It all sounds so good.

MADISON: And secure the blessing of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.

JEFFERSON: Poetry.

MADISON: Do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

JEFFERSON: Perfect.

MADISON: Perfect poetry. We, the people, in order to form a more perfect union. It is beautiful. That is just the beginning. Now the committee has asked me to top it by writing up a list of the ten most important guarantees we can make to the people.

JEFFERSON: An amendment to perfection?

MADISON: What can I do? What can I do?

JEFFERSON: Hmmm.

ALIEN 2: The top 10 from the home office in Omaha, Nebraska.

JEFFERSON: What can you do? How about protecting us from the church?

MADISON: Yes. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

JEFFERSON: In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot. Indeed, I tremble for my country when I realize that God is just.

MADISON: Just what?

JEFFERSON: Just just.

MADISON: Or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.

JEFFERSON: Our liberty depends on freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.

MADISON: Or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

JEFFERSON: The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.

ALIEN 1: Who are these guys?

MAN: Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.

ALIENT 1: Really.

MAN: Yes, really.

ALIEN 1: Why are they saying all that weird stuff? They’re talking like Commie Reds or something.

ALIEN 2: Yeah, well, Joe McArthy would have them blacklisted.

ALIEN 1: Put them on Mr. Blackwell’s list? Why?

MAN: They’re dressed to be killed. Watch.

MADISON: That sounds like half a dozen, but I’ll call it one. Otherwise, I won’t fit everything I want to guarantee. Let me see, what next?

JEFFERSON: How about arms?

MADISON: Arms?

JEFFERSON: No free man shall ever be de-barred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government. The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.

MADISON: All right. A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

ALIEN 2: What about keeping bare asses?

MAN: I don’t think that’s what he means.

(Gunshots ring out; Jefferson and Madison fall)

ALIEN 1: Now we’ll never know.

ALIEN 2 (point at Hero and Heroine as they enter): Oh, look, her come Speedy and Quickster, almost in the nick of time.

HERO (over Madison): He’s dead. (Moving to Jefferson) He’s . . .

HEROINE: Don’t say it.

HERO: . . . still breathing. He’s alive.

HEROINE: No way. It wouldn’t fit the kind of day we’re having. All of our founding fathers are dying right before our very eyes. It’s important that we fix it or stop it.

HERO (to Jefferson): What can we do for you?

JEFFERSON: Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.

HERO: Huh?

HEROINE: I think he’s delirious. He’s in shock or something. What can we do?

HERO: I think he’s dying.

JEFFERSON: I cannot live without books.

HEROINE: Do you have a book?

HERO: No. You?

HEROINE: No. Newspaper. Will a newspaper do?

JEFFERSON: The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

HEROINE: So you don’t like newspapers then?

JEFFERSON: Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.

HEROINE: So you do like newspapers? Is that what he just said?

HERO: I think. Why can’t these people just speak English, like everyone else?

(She digs into her bag and pulls out a U. S. A. Today and hands it to Jefferson)

HEROINE: Here, Mr. Jefferson. This will make you feel better.

(He grabs the paper from her, looks it over briefly, and drops over)

HERO (leaning over Jefferson): He’s dead.

HEROINE: You’ve never said that before. So what else is news?

HERO: Let me see. A distant cousin to John Kennedy was married on an island in the South Pacific. Boris Yeltsin isn’t feeling well. And the headline, Cowboys Lose Again.

(They drag the body off; as they do Professor enters)

PROFESSOR: Was it the newspaper, or the news? Was it something he said, or something he read? On this day in history Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died. Was it something they did, or a shot to the head? Probably the latter. And the killer lurks around the corner, waiting . . . waiting . . . waiting . . .

(Evil laughter from the Professor as he exits; a Woman enters, stoops, and begins to search through her purse; she drops some pennies on the floor, shrugs, and exits; Ben Franklin and a friend enter; Franklin falls to the floor and starts crawling around picking up the pennies)

FRIEND: What are you doing?

FRANKLIN: A penny saved is a penny earned.

FRIEND: True, but you just picked up half a dozen pennies and took time doing it. At your salary, you just spent far more in labor than you earned in pennies.

FRANKLIN: Fine, so not every one of my sayings is perfect. Except for the ones about sex.

FRIEND: But you’re an expert in that field. In Paris, your host lost track of your affairs.

FRANKLIN: A good host should not be a parent.

FRIEND: But that’s what I heard. What was it? A dozen? Two?

FRANKLIN: Counting conquests is like counting the grains of a sand castle. the castle is not erected if the materials are being counted. The moat cannot be filled if the worker’s hands are idle.

FRIEND: Did any of them fall in love with you?

FRANKLIN: Love is an aphrodisiac for the Puritan mind.

FRIEND: That would be a no?

FRANKLIN: No is a truth not heard enough.

FRIEND: Did you fall in love with any of them?

FRANKLIN: I have fallen in love with every woman with intellect with whom I have had intercourse.

FRIEND: Intercourse meaning conversation . . .

FRANKLIN: Conversation is the precursor to silence. Silence is the friend between us.

FRIEND: What?

FRANKLIN: Shh . . . I smell a fox upon us.

FRIEND (looking around): I don’t see anything.

FRANKLIN: The instincts of a hunted man are sharper than swords.

FRIEND: What is it?

FRANKLIN: There is an enemy at our heels, poised for a lapse of alertness.

FRIEND: Who? Why?

FRANKLIN: Jealousy is the mother of murder.

FRIEND: A husband of one of your affairs! Out to get you! Because of what you did to his wife!

FRANKLIN: A wife is one who picks you up when you do stumble, and kisses your cheek while staying humble. She welcomes you home when you have wandered away.

FRIEND: That’s fine, but a husband is one who kills when the wife wanders.

FRANKLIN: When a wife wanders, it is because a husband flounders.

FRIEND: Oh, that’ll make him feel good. You’re dead, Ben.

FRANKLIN: I expect that I will die when I die. I cannot fear to live for fear of death.

FRIEND: Shh, now I hear it.

(Jason has snuck right behind them; he gets angrier as this goes on)

FRANKLIN: I smell an evil lurking.

FRIEND: But where is he? It?

FRANKLIN: If it be fear, it is everywhere we are, and inescapable. If it be death, it waits for us to walk into the future and meet it and it too is inescapable.

FRIEND: And if it be our imaginations?

FRANKLIN: Nightmares die when dreams are waked.

FRIEND: Why do you speak that way?

FRANKLIN: Poor Richard. Kill no more pigeons than you can eat.

(Jason strangles Franklin as Hero and Heroine enter; Hero has the time machine; Heroine manages to grab Jason from behind)

HERO: He’s dead.

FRIEND: Poor Benjamin.

HEROINE: I’ve got him!

HERO: And I’ve got the time machine.

HEROINE: Now what?

HERO: Only one thing to do. Go further back in time to make sure none of this happens, or go into the future and make sure he never gets hold of this machine.

HEROINE: That’s two things.

HERO: Flip a coin.

HEROINE: I’m broke.

FRIEND: There’s some pennies in his pocket. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if it will save his life.

(Heroine digs into Franklin’s pocket)

HERO: A life saved is a penny burned.

HEROINE (flipping coin): Heads it is. I guess that means forward.

HERO (pressing buttons): Here we go.

(Blackout; lights back up on Jeopardy; Hero, Heroine, and Friend are playing; Jason is the host)

HEROINE: Where are we?

HERO: It looks like Jeopardy.

HEROINE (pointing at Friend): Oh, my God, we brought him with us!

FRIEND: Pardon?

HEROINE: I’m sorry. We meant to leave you in your own time.

FRIEND: Leave me alone. I’ll take fictional characters for $200, please.

JASON: A fictional, murderous character in a hockey mask.

HEROINE: Jason!

JASON: I’m sorry, it must be phrased as a question.

HERO: Who is Jason!

JASON: Correct. Your category, please.

HERO: I’ll take Presidents for 100.

JASON: The father of our country.

HERO: Ben Franklin!

JASON: No, I’m sorry, that is incorrect.

HERO: Who is Ben Franklin? Sorry.

JASON: Still incorrect. Thanks for playing.

HERO: Oh, no! History has changed. We didn’t succeed. We didn’t come back far enough or something.

JASON: Does anyone else have a guess?

HEROINE: Dolt. Franklin was never President. Yes. Who was George Washington?

JASON: I don’t know. Who was he?

HEROINE: What?

FRIEND: Jason!

JASON: Yes!

HEROINE: That wasn’t a question! He didn’t say a question!

(Jason raises a knife; Jeopardy them starts playing; Jason moves toward the others; Jeopardy them gets louder as lights go to black)