The Legend of Pinkbeard: Pirate of Men

by

Callen Harty

 

Music by Brian Wild

Lyrics by Callen Harty

(except I�ve Never Been in Love Before�lyrics by Brian Wild & Callen Harty)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

�1996, Callen Harty

PROLOGUE:

(An opening song is heard as the lights come up on an empty stage.� On the backdrop is a depiction of Noah�s Ark.� As the song progresses dancers appear on stage in choreographed movement to the song as various ships are shown on the backdrop, moving forward through the history of ships into modern times.� About two-thirds of the way through the song the images on the backdrop start moving backwards through time until the end of the song is reached with an image of a pirate ship from the 1700�s.� As the song is ending, the lights fade to black.� Note:� The progression of the ships can be done as described above, with the use of film or video, by having actors carry various representations of ships, etc.� Each director may decide on a different approach.)

 

SCENE ONE:

(Over the sound of wind and waves is heard the intermittent sound of a snapping whip and a man groaning.� Lights slowly come up on a pirate ship.� In the up right corner Brownbeard is standing with a cat-o-nine tails.� He lifts it and snaps it off stage right.� Another groan is heard.� This is repeated twice more, then Pinkbeard enters and crosses to Brownbeard, who turns to the Captain.� Pinkbeard gives him a quizzical look.)

BROWNBEARD:

Don�t ask.

REDBEARD (peeking out from stage right, to Brownbeard):

Don�t tell.

PINKBEARD:

What did he do?

REDBEARD:

Nothing, Captain Pinkbeard.

PINKBEARD:

Nothing?

BROWNBEARD:

No, sir.

PINKBEARD:

Nothing?� Then why did you whip him?� Why did you strip him?

BROWNBEARD:

We were having some fun, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

Fun?� Maybe fun for you, Brownbeard.

BROWNBEARD:

He was a bad boy, and I was punishing him for it.

PINKBEARD:

I see.

REDBEARD:

I�m not really a bad boy.

BROWNBEARD:

No, Redbeard�s bent.� And bent over.� And for him, it�s not punishment.� It�s private pirate pleasure, a pirate�s private treasure.

PINKBEARD:

Private?� Then why don�t you girls take it to your quarters?� Some of the guys here only like it vanilla.

BROWNBEARD:

Yes, sir.

PINKBEARD:

And we have young ones on board.

REDBEARD:

Yes, sir.

PINKBEARD (to Brownbeard):

How bad was he?

BROWNBEARD:

Very.� It was good.

PINKBEARD:

Good.� Tomorrow night you can bring it to my quarters.

REDBEARD:

Oh, good.

PINKBEARD:

Good what?

REDBEARD:

Good, sir?

PINKBEARD:

Good boy.� That was bad.� I�ll see you tomorrow.

REDBEARD:

Good.

BROWNBEARD:

Bad boy.

REDBEARD:

Good, sir!

PINKBEARD:

Good-bye.

BROWNBEARD:

Good night.

REDBEARD:

Good night, sir.

PINKBEARD:

God!� Get out!� Go, boy.

REDBEARD:

Good-bye.

PINKBEARD:

Go!

REDBEARD:

Bye!� (They exit, then Redbeard pops his head back out)� Sir!

(He exits.)

PINKBEARD:

God, how obnoxious those two are.� But I wish it were me.

(Two women dressed as men enter opposite.� One has her hand on the other�s arm.� The other has an obviously fake beard.� They cross to Pinkbeard.)

WHATBEARD:

Good evening, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

Good evening, Whatbeard, Fakebeard.� Quite a night.

FAKEBEARD:

Yes, it is.� It�s so clear and beautiful.

PINKBEARD:

So, what is happening with you two tonight?

FAKEBEARD:

Nothing much, Captain.� We�re just sharing a couple bottles of rum.

WHATBEARD:

Yep.� I had finished half my bottle and he had finished half his when we bumped into each other . . .

FAKEBEARD:

Literally.

WHATBEARD:

. . . on deck.� Yes, it was literally.� Two drunk guys not watching where they�re going.

FAKEBEARD:

And I�m so glad we did, Whatbeard.� I never really knew you before tonight.

WHATBEARD:

I know.� I can�t believe we have so much in common.

FAKEBEARD:

And I�m sure there�s more we have in common than we discovered tonight.

WHATBEARD:

I�m sure.� We�ll have to do this more often.

FAKEBEARD:

That�d be won�rful.

WHATBEARD:

Well, we�d like to chat, Captain, but we must go to bed.

FAKEBEARD:

Yes, it�s getting late.� Good night, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

Good night.� (They exit)� Another shipboard romance?� Are they going to bed together?� (Pause)� And I go to bed alone.

(Two pirates enter.� They are holding hands and being romantic.� They unclasp hands when they see Pinkbeard.)

STUBBLEBEARD:

Sorry, Pinkbeard.

PINKBEARD:

That�s okay, Stubblebeard.

NEWBEARD:

Captain, you�re looking sexy tonight.

PINKBEARD:

Right.� I believe that.

NEWBEARD:

No, you are.� You could make a girl wet her panties.

PINKBEARD:

I�m about as sexy as a mongrel dog on its deathbed.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Very poetic, Captain.� Well, it was nice talking to you, but we must be running.

NEWBEARD:

Yes, just a joy.� Good night.

(They start to walk away)

PINKBEARD:

Good night, men.

STUBBLEBEARD (as they are walking away, but loud enough for Pinkbeard to overhear):

Talk about a positive attitude.

NEWBEARD:

Yes�he�s the cloud on my silver lining.

STUBBLEBEARD:

I wonder what�s wrong with him?

NEWBEARD:

Isn�t it obvious, Hon?� He needs a good fuck.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Newbeard, you�re such a wench.

NEWBEARD:

Aren�t I?

(The two laugh as they exit)

PINKBEARD:

Cruel bitches.� But I do need it.� Looks like me and the cabin boys are the only ones on board not having a good time with someone.� I�m bored.

(Two boys race across the stage)

NOBEARD:

Na-na-na-na-na.� You�re not going to catch me.

PEACHFUZZ:

Yes, I will.

NOBEARD:

No, you won�t.

PEACHFUZZ:

And when I do . . .

NOBEARD:

If you do.

PEACHFUZZ:

. . . I�m going to fuck your brains out!

NOBEARD:

No!� No!� Oh, no!

PEACHFUZZ (as they exit):

Come to Daddy-O!

PINKBEARD:

Well, even the boys.� Everyone has someone but me.� Everyone.

(Music starts and Pinkbeard sings)

 

Everyone Has Someone But Me, or, The Self-Pity Song

 

When I was a little lad

Everything seemed very sad.

I didn�t like the world;

I didn�t like little girls�

I thought I was very bad.

 

When I was a teenage boy

I finally found my joy

In the heart of another teen;

Most handsome that I�d ever seen.

But to him I was just a toy.

 

Chorus:

Everyone has someone but me.

It�s a matter of love piracy.

They�re stealing the hearts and souls;

I�m feeling my soul grow old.

I�m growing old and lonely.

 

When I was a younger man

I began to understand

What my feelings were made of.

I began to search for love.

But those I loved just ran.

 

When I got a little older

I grew a little bit bolder.

But all of those I came near

Ran away from me in fear.

My heart, it grew colder.

 

Repeat chorus

 

I decided to head to sea

To engage in piracy.

Now on the oceans I float,

Captain of a boat

Where everyone has someone but me.

 

Everyone has someone but me.

It�s a matter of love piracy.

They�re stealing the hearts and souls.

I�m feeling my soul grow old;

Feel it grow old and lonely.

 

(The two boys run across the stage in the opposite direction)

NOBEARD:

You�re not going to catch me!

PEACHFUZZ:

I am going to fuck you!

(They have exited again)

PINKBEARD:

Oh, to be young again.� To be like my men.

(He sighs.� Blondbeard enters)

BLONDBEARD:

Hello, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

Blondbeard.� What are you doing up so late?

BLONDBEARD:

Couldn�t sleep.

PINKBEARD:

You could sleep with me if you�d like.� The offer is still open.

BLONDBEARD:

You�re not my type.� You�re a man.

PINKBEARD:

That�s your only choice aboard this vessel.

BLONDBEARD:

Well, no, it�s not.

PINKBEARD:

It�s not?

BLONDBEARD:

No, there�s always abstinence.� Or myself.

PINKBEARD:

You are a stubborn man.

BLONDBEARD:

You knew that when you captured me.� I haven�t changed.

PINKBEARD:

I haven�t either.� I�m still lonely.

BLONDBEARD:

Captain, there are dozens of men on board this ship.� Certainly you can find one who wants you.

PINKBEARD:

I can only wish.� There are a number of them I fantasize about.� But everyone seems to be coupled.� Even the cabin boys.� Now, I know I could do it with the older cabin boy, Peachfuzz.� He wants me.� Hell, he�ll do it with anyone.� But I�m looking for a man, not a boy.� And I�m looking for someone to share more than a night with me.

BLONDBEARD:

Sorry, Captain, it�s not me.� I�m looking for a woman, not a man.� I hope you and I both find what we�re looking for sometime.� In the meantime, the self-love will have to do.

PINKBEARD:

Oh, joy�the sound of one hand beating.

BLONDBEARD:

It can get tiring, can�t it?

PINKBEARD:

It�s the emotional masturbation I�m tired of, Blondbeard.

(The boys enter again, running across the stage.)

NOBEARD:

Na-na-na-na-na.

PINKBEARD:

Peachfuzz!� Nobeard!

(They stop)

PEACHFUZZ:

Yes, sir.

PINKBEARD:

Good night, Blondbeard.

BLONDBEARD:

Sir?

PINKBEARD:

Good night.

BLONDBEARD:

Good night, Captain.� I�ll see you in the morning.

(Blondbeard exits)

NOBEARD:

Did you want something, Captain?

PINKBEARD:

Yes, but not from you, boy.� Go to bed.

PEACHFUZZ:

Good night, sir.

PINKBEARD:

Not you, Peachfuzz.� You wait here.� Nobeard, go to bed.

NOBEARD:

All right.� (Imitating Blondbeard)� Good night, Captain.� I�ll see you in the morning.

(He exits)

PINKBEARD:

What are you doing, Peachfuzz?

PEACHFUZZ:

What do you mean?

PINKBEARD:

What are you doing with Nobeard?

PEACHFUZZ:

Nothing, sir.� Not yet, anyway.� I�d like to pop his cherry, but he�s too damn fast.� I can never catch him.

PINKBEARD:

Let him stay young awhile.

PEACHFUZZ:

Huh?

PINKBEARD:

Pop his cherry and I�ll pop your mouth.

PEACHFUZZ:

But, sir, he wants it.� He�s more queer than I am.

PINKBEARD:

I know that, and I think he knows that, but let him find it out for himself.

PEACHFUZZ (kneeling in front of the captain, as if in prayer):

Oh, come on.� He�s cute.

PINKBEARD:

He is, and if I were his age, I�d want him too, but . . .

PEACHFUZZ:

But what?

PINKBEARD (lifting Peachfuzz up):

But I�m not.� Go to bed now.

PEACHFUZZ:

Yes, sir.

(Peachfuzz exits)

PINKBEARD:

Was I ever that young?� I don�t remember.� (He sighs.)� I would like . . . what am I doing?� Enough of lechery.� It�s time for treachery.� Men!� Men!� Come here!� Come here!� All of you!� All the beards!� (As they enter)� Men, I am bored.� And you know what happens when I am bored.� Brownbeard, can you tell me?

BROWNBEARD:

Yes, sir.� You raid and plunder.

PINKBEARD:

Redbeard!

REDBEARD:

Rape and plunder.

PINKBEARD:

Nobeard!

NOBEARD:

Tear arse asunder.

PINKBEARD:

Newbeard!

NEWBEARD:

Put strangers under your foot.

PINKBEARD:

Sehr gut!� Whatbeard!

WHATBEARD:

You get some booty.

PINKBEARD:

Fakebeard!� Are you with me?

FAKEBEARD:

It is our duty.

PINKBEARD:

Are you with me men?� Are you men with me?� Are you ready for piracy?

ALL (variously):

Yes!� Pinkbeard!� Yay!� Go!, etc.

PINKBEARD:

Blondbeard, what say you?� Huh?� What will you do?

(Blondbeard does not answer.� Music has started under this.� The pirates all begin to dance and sing.)

 

But Pirates

 

We sail in search of other men

Who share our own peculiar ken.

We steal from young, we steal from old,

Or welcome them to our small fold.

 

We land our ship and look for treasure,

Command our whips to look for pleasure.

We sail upon the raging sea

Of yo-ho-ho-ho-ho-homosexuality.

 

Chorus

����������� We are but pirates sailing on the sea;

����������� Searching for treasure and a little booty.

����������� We are but pirates out on the ocean.

����������� We fire our guns; we never run;

����������� But pirates on the ocean blue are we.

 

We find a stud who is a sailor;

Find a queen and then impale her.

We find ourselves on distant shores

When the captain says he�s bored.

 

We take our ship to distant ports

To find a man for him to court.

We search the world both low and high

To find Pinkbeard his one true guy.

 

Repeat chorus

 

Captain Pinkbeard does not smile.

He just stays alone a while.

He does not reap the seeds we�ve sown

And so the captain�s still alone.

 

We sail back home when we are done,

After having so much fun�

All of us in reverie;

All of us�well, almost ev�ry

 

Repeat chorus two times

 

PINKBEARD:

Men, we sail come morning.� Let the world take warning.� Pinkbeard�s on the loose again.

(Pirates cheer, hurrah, huzzah, and more as the lights fade to black.)

 

SCENE TWO:

BLONDBEARD (in darkness):

Land ahoy!

(Lights come up.� It is morning)

NOBEARD (running on stage):

Land ahoy!

PEACHFUZZ (following):

Where?� I don�t see anything but water.

NOBEARD (pointing):

Look a little farther.� There!� Are you blind?

PEACHFUZZ:

Water, water, everywhere.

PINKBEARD (entering, with Blondbeard):

Good morning, lads.

BOTH (turning and standing at attention):

Good morning, Captain.

PEACHFUZZ:

Land ahead.

PINKBEARD:

We will, Peachfuzz.

PEACHFUZZ:

No, I mean there�s land ahead of us.

BLONDBEARD:

And behind us too, but quite a ways from here.

PEACHFUZZ:

No, no.� There�s land ahead.

PINKBEARD:

Of course there is, my boy.� That�s why Blondbeard yelled, �Land ahoy!�� That means land has been spotted from the crow�s nest.

PEACHFUZZ:

What?

PINKBEARD:

You have a great deal to learn about sailing, lad.

BLONDBEARD:

He�s saying you didn�t discover it, boy.

(The remaining pirates enter during the following)

PEACHFUZZ:

But I did.

NOBEARD:

You did not.� I saw it first.

PEACHFUZZ:

I did.

NOBEARD:

Did not.

PEACHFUZZ:

Did.

NOBEARD:

Did not.� What did it look like then?

PEACHFUZZ:

Big.� Huge.

NEWBEARD (entering with Stubblebeard):

Tell me more.� I always come in right in the middle of these things.

PEACHFUZZ:

With lots of coconut trees.� Trees all over.

NOBEARD:

No, it�s not.� It looks like a small desert island.� You are blind.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Peachfuzz, have you been touching yourself again?

NOBEARD:

Again?� Still.

PEACHFUZZ:

I am not blind.� I can see I�m being framed.

NEWBEARD:

And it�s not a pretty picture.

PEACHFUZZ:

Bitch!

PINKBEARD:

Enough.� Redbeard, do you know what it is?

REDBEARD:

No, sir.� It�s not on my charts.� It�s small, and probably deserted.

BROWNBEARD:

Like me.

PINKBEARD:

We won�t waste our time then.� No money, no men.� Nothing we�re looking for or need to see.� Brownbeard, set a course due south of here.� Blondbeard, back up top with you.� Peachfuzz and Nobeard, if you don�t have breakfast started, it should be.

(Pirates start to exit)

REDBEARD (to Brownbeard):

What was that supposed to mean?

BROWNBEARD:

Where were you last night?

REDBEARD:

I couldn�t sleep.� I was up walking around on the deck all night.

FAKEBEARD (looking through a telescope):

I see people on the shore!� They�re waving at us.

BLONDBEARD (grabbing the telescope):

Let me see.� (He looks.)� Where?

REDBEARD:

Fakebeard is right.� I can see them with my naked eye.

NEWBEARD:

You see them naked in your eyes.

BLONDBEARD:

He�s right.� Three women, four men, and a monkey.� And they�re waving.

PINKBEARD:

Brownbeard, set a course for shore.

BROWNBEARD:

Done, Captain.

(Brownbeard exits)

STUBBLEBEARD:

Yes!� It�s time for rape and kidnap, a pirate free-for-all.

BLONDBEARD:

Why is it always rape and kidnap?� I thought pirates were supposed to look for treasure.

REDBEARD:

Different people treasure different things, Blondbeard.

NEWBEARD:

And we are different, let me tell you.

BLONDBEARD:

Why did you kidnap me?� What good am I to you?

NEWBEARD:

You�re great to make fun of.

PINKBEARD:

In the passion and fury of the moment, Blondbeard, I thought you were handsome, which you are.� But your . . .

BLONDBEARD:

Handsome!� Nobody�s touched me since I came on board.� Nobody�s befriended me, or even looked at me with interest.� (Pinkbeard raises his hand)� Not that I want anyone to�I like my women.� I like fucking women.

NEWBEARD:

Here he goes with the woman thing again.

PINKBEARD:

Your attitude leaves something to be desired.� I thought you might make a good mate, which you may yet, but not in the way I intended.

WHATBEARD:

I would touch you, Blondbeard.� You are a handsome man.

BLONDBEARD:

If you had breasts instead of muscles, maybe.

WHATBEARD:

If I had breasts you�d be my baby?

BLONDBEARD:

Yes, I need a woman.

FAKEBEARD:

Naturally, Blondbeard.� If I had breasts would you be mine?

BLONDBEARD:

If you were both women, yes, but I�d take Whatbeard first.

FAKEBEARD:

Well, I am more woman than you�ll ever see, and more of a man than you�ll ever be.

NEWBEARD:

Give it to her, girl!

PINKBEARD:

Enough!� We must prepare.� Go ready yourselves for this adventure.

(Pinkbeard exits.� The others begin to exit)

NEWBEARD (to Fakebeard):

Girl, am I the only one on board who knows that Whatbeard is a girl in man�s clothes?� And that you�re a lesbian in lesbian�s clothes?

FAKEBEARD:

What are you talking about?

NEWBEARD:

You can�t fool me.� I do female impersonation.� I can always recognize someone in drag, regardless of gender.� I�m right, aren�t I?

FAKEBEARD:

Whatbeard is a woman?

NEWBEARD:

Of course, dear lesbian.� You both are.

FAKEBEARD:

Yes!� Oh, yes!

(Newbeard and Fakebeard exit.� Fakebeard gooses Whatbeard on the way out.� Blondbeard and Whatbeard are left on stage as the music starts.)

 

If He Were a Woman

 

If he were a woman, oh I�d come a runnin�

And lay myself down by her side.

If I were a woman, and she were a man then

I�d stay by his side �til we died.

 

If he were a lady, I�d say come on baby,

Let�s hook ourselves up as a pair.

If I were a lady, a little bit crazy,

I�d stay by his side and I�d care.

 

If he weren�t so pretty, I�d be much less nutty,

And love the man less than I do.

If I weren�t so straight now, I�d show him the way how

I�d live by his side and love too.

 

If he were a she when we became we then

I�d show her the ropes I have learned.

But he�s just one more guy and alas, so am I�

I�d stay by his side and get burned.

 

(Blondbeard and Whatbeard scat a verse)

 

So I think I�ll be happy to follow my pappy

And marry a girl who�s a gal.

I will take on a wife for the rest of my life�

Then we can be friends not pals.

 

(Blondbeard exits, then Whatbeard exits opposite as the lights go down)

 

SCENE THREE:

(Lights up as the seven castaways enter)

GILLIGAN:

See, Skipper, I told you I saw a ship.

PROFESSOR:

But did they see us?� Perhaps I could quickly create some flares using hollowed-out coconut shell, dried reeds, and dead palm fronds for fuses.� I believe one of the books in my hut has a recipe or two for homemade flares.

MR. HOWELL:

Once we get their attention, I�ll be happy to pay them a fair price to get us off this dreary little island.

MRS. HOWELL:

Thurston, why pay them if they don�t ask?� You�re getting much too generous after all these years on the island.

SKIPPER:
They�ve turned completely around!� They�re coming this way!

MARY ANN:

Do you think there�s time to bake a coconut pie for them?

GINGER:

I should change.� I�m not dressed to meet men looking like this.� I must have at least one or two provocative outfits I can wear.

PROFESSOR:

So, we don�t need the flares now.� There must be some concoction I can come up with for this occasion, just to show my brilliance.

MARY ANN:

I don�t think I have time to bake a pie now.� Oooh.

PROFESSOR:

Mary Ann, it�s possible that food could be created chemically.

(Pause)

PROFESSOR and MARY ANN:

Nah.

MARY ANN:

Besides, who would eat chemical food?

SKIPPER:

What are you making?

GILLIGAN:

Look, everyone, they�re landing in the cove!� Let�s go!

(They exit.� Pinkbeard, Blondbeard, and Redbeard enter opposite)

BLONDBEARD:

There�s no one here.

PINKBEARD:

They must be hiding.

(The castaways come charging onto the stage opposite)

ALL (variously):

We�re saved!� We�re free!� Hurrah, etc.

(The three pirates raise their cutlasses)

PINKBEARD:

Halt!� All of you!� No one attacks Pinkbeard the Pirate like that and lives to tell the story.� Stay back.

SKIPPER:

We weren�t attacking you, Mr. Pinkbeard.

GINGER (sexily):

No, but I might later.

MARY ANN:

We just want to get home.

PINKBEARD:

What�s going on here?

GILLIGAN:

We�ve been stranded on this island for years.

PROFESSOR:

After shipwrecking on what was supposed to have been a three-hour cruise.

MRS. HOWELL:

Yes, our captain and first mate piloted the ship as if they�d never been at the helm of one.

MR. HOWELL:

Having skippered yachts myself I can tell you their operation was a scam.� They suckered us out of our money for this little boat tour and ended up stranding us here.

MARY ANN:

With nothing more than the clothes on our backs.

GINGER:

And some extra clothes.

PROFESSOR:

And books.

MR. and MRS. HOWELL:

And money.

SKIPPER:

A few tools.

GILLIGAN:

Lots of equipment that�s come in handy.

PROFESSOR:

Some chemicals I�ve been able to use.

SKIPPER:

Maps, paper, and the like.

MRS. HOWELL:

Jewels.

GILLIGAN:

And bananas.

SKIPPER (hitting Gilligan with his hat):

Gilligan!� Those were here already.

PINKBEARD:

Enough!

GILLIGAN:

Sorry.

PINKBEARD:

You said this was a three-hour tour?

REDBEARD:

Money, jewels?

MARY ANN:

Can you take us with you?

PROFESSOR:

Yes, can you?

MARY ANN:

Ooooh, please.

PINKBEARD:

There�s not enough room on board for all of you, let alone your possessions.

BLONDBEARD (sarcastically):

Though one of you may be lucky enough to be kidnapped and taken away against your will.

CASTAWAYS (variously):

Kidnapped?!?� Oh, no!, etc.

(The castaways all run off stage.)

BLONDBEARD:

Well, Captain, shall we round them up for you?
REDBEARD (to Blondbeard):

You were lucky; you just didn�t know it.

PINKBEARD:

No, they�re all desperate, and there are too many of them.� Let them come to us.� We�ll sit and wait.� They�ll come.

(Pinkbeard and Blondbeard sit and Redbeard crosses away.� Music starts.� Redbeard looks at Pinkbeard, then starts to sing.� During the first verse, a gorilla enters and watches him sing.� During the second verse he notices it and they dance together.� As the third verse is starting Redbeard�s attention shifts back to Pinkbeard.� Gilligan enters, sees the gorilla, grabs it and spanks it as he leads it off stage.)

 

Captain of My Heart

 

Oh, I want to be the love that he finds;

But to my love, the captain is blind.

It�s been a year that I�ve been with Brownbeard,

But as time goes on, it�s going downward.

He abuses my body; abuses my mind.

I want a lover who treats me more kind.

Oh, I should be happy, but I feel so weird.

I long for the love of Captain Pinkbeard.

 

Chorus:

����������� If he gave me love, I never would part.

����������� If he gave me love, my life, it would start.

����������� If he gave me love, he would set me free.

����������� If he gave me love, I�d happily be

����������� First mate to the captain of my heart.

 

Oh, I want to be the love that he knows;

To follow my man wherever he goes.

And on that great love, I know I�d subsist,

But he doesn�t know I even exist.

As time keeps on moving, my feelings do grow.

But if he feels the same his feelings don�t show.

If he said he loved me I could never resist;

From all other loves, I�d cease and desist.

 

Repeat chorus

 

Oh, I�d like to age with him at my side;

To capture the love that he has denied.

But he does not know it�s more than it seems�

I�d like to be coffee to his cup of cream.

So I keep on thinking of times that I�ve cried,

And I keep on thinking I wish I would die,

�Cause he does not see us as part of a team.

He does not see the way that I dream.

 

Repeat chorus.

 

PINKBEARD (as the music ends):

Redbeard, what are you doing over there?

REDBEARD:

Just daydreaming, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

To be young enough to dream again.

BLONDBEARD:

Captain, here comes one.

(Professor enters and crosses to Pinkbeard)

PROFESSOR:

Captain, I don�t want you to hurt any of my friends, so I am volunteering to go with you.� Then you won�t have to kidnap any of them.

PINKBEARD:

I don�t know if you�d make a good mate.

PROFESSOR:

I�m stronger than I look.� I know I�m not experienced, but I could learn to be a good first mate.

BLONDBEARD:

The captain is not looking for a first mate.

REDBEARD:

He�s looking for a life mate.

PROFESSOR:

Oh, I see.� Oh.� I see.

(Professor races off stage)

BLONDBEARD:

Should we go get him for you?

PINKBEARD:

Don�t bother.� He�s not my type.

REDBEARD:

That�s what I thought.

BLONDBEARD:

What do you know?

(The Howells enter and cross to the pirates)

MR. HOWELL:

Captain Pinkbeard, I know you said you only had room for one, but you see, we�re already a couple.� Two who are as one.

PINKBEARD:

Yes?

MRS. HOWELL:

We want to go with you.

REDBEARD:

You ever do three-ways?

MRS. HOWELL:

Oh, Thurston, that awful man just said a no-no.� I don�t want to go.� Come, dear.

(She starts to exit)

MR. HOWELL (following her):

It�s certainly not my idea of a merger.� (They exit and a moment later Mr. Howell returns alone.)� My wife is a bitch sometimes.� I could pay you to take me.� I have millions of dollars here on the island.

BLONDBEARD:

Where?

PINKBEARD:

Why don�t you go get the money, and we�ll take you with us for a payment?

MR. HOWELL:

Thank you, Captain.

(Mr. Howell exits)

REDBEARD:

Captain, he�s an old man.� You want to take him?

PINKBEARD:

No.� But we are pirates, and I do want the money.

BLONDBEARD:

Far easier to have him bring it to us.

PINKBEARD:

Lazy pirates we are.

(Mrs. Howell enters)

MRS. HOWELL:

Captain, my husband is a bastard sometimes.� He would strand me here if he had to.� I have thousands of dollars worth of jewels on the island.� I could pay you to take me with you.

BLONDBEARD:

Where?

MRS. HOWELL:

Wherever you are going.

BLONDBEARD:

Where are the jewels?

MRS. HOWELL:

In the safe in our hut, of course.

PINKBEARD:

Why don�t you go get the jewels and bring them to me?� We�ll take you.

MRS. HOWELL:

Thank you, Captain.

(She exits)

BLONDBEARD:

At least Newbeard will be happy.

PINKBEARD:

Such lazy pirates we are.

(Ginger enters wearing a slinky dress)

BLONDBEARD:

Evening, Ma�am.

GINGER:

Good evening.� Oh, Captain, what a surprise to see you here.

PINKBEARD:

This is right where you left us.

GINGER:

Oh, it is?

PINKBEARD:

And you didn�t know that?

GINGER:

Why, no.

REDBEARD:

Please.

GINGER:

Please? �You know, Captain, where I come from, women learn all sorts of ways to please a man.

PINKBEARD:

On our ship, the men please the men.

GINGER:

Oh, how horrible for you.� It must be like being in prison.� You have to make do with what you have.� Send these two away, and I�ll show you what you�ve been missing.

PINKBEARD:

It�s not horrible.� It�s the way it is.� We are pirates of men.

GINGER:

I don�t understand.

PINKBEARD:

We like having sex with other men.

GINGER:

You do?� Is that possible?

REDBEARD:

How long have you been on this island?

PINKBEARD:

We love being in love with other men.

GINGER:

That�s not possible.� That�s disgusting.� You know, Captain, one night with me would change your mind.

PINKBEARD:

Did anyone bring a pistol?

GINGER:

Oh!� You don�t know what you�re missing!

(She storms off.� Blondbeard follows)

BLONDBEARD (exiting):

Lady, wait!� Lady!� I�ll give it a try!� Hey beautiful, wait for me!

PINKBEARD:

I hope she�s interested.� I feel sorry for him.� I know what it�s like.� (Pause.)� Well, it�s just you and me, Redbeard.

REDBEARD:

I wish . . .

PINKBEARD:

You wish what?

(Skipper enters and crosses to them)

REDBEARD:

I wish that it . . .

SKIPPER (waving uncertainly):

Hello.

PINKBEARD:

Hello.� What can I do for you?

SKIPPER:

I thought I�d stop by to make small talk.� You know, I�m a captain, too.� We have a lot in common.� I know a great deal about sailing.

PINKBEARD:

You�re not hoping to be kidnapped are you?

SKIPPER:

No, of course not.� Just thought I�d talk a bit.� I don�t often see other seafaring men these days, men who have the kind of experience I have had working on a boat.

PINKBEARD:

You don�t want to go with us, do you?

SKIPPER:

No, no.� I�d never want to leave the others here.� They wouldn�t be able to get along without me because of all my experience and my leadership ability.

PINKBEARD:

Are you sure you don�t want to go with us?

SKIPPER:

Definitely not.

REDBEARD:

Captain, do you think he�s the one?� He�s a captain too and might try to organize a mutiny.

SKIPPER:

No, definitely not.� I couldn�t do that to the rest.� (He pulls out a crudely hand-drawn map and shows it to them.)� No, the only way I would go is if you came to my hut tonight, the last one on the left, and kidnapped me�if you came into the hut and didn�t wake my little buddy on the top bunk, I�m on the bottom�and if you forced me to go.� Then I�d go because I wouldn�t have a choice.

PINKBEARD:

Last hut on the left?� Lower bunk?

SKIPPER:

Yes.� If you wanted to kidnap me, that�s where you�d have to go to find me.

PINKBEARD:

Thank you for that information.� Why don�t you go to sleep now?

SKIPPER:

I�m not very tired at the moment.� (Pause)� Oh!� Okay.� Sleep now.� I get it.� (He stretches and yawns.)� Oh, I�m tired.� See you later!� I mean, nice chatting with you.� Bye.

(He exits)

PINKBEARD:

I thought he�d never leave.

(Mary Ann enters with a tray of cookies)

MARY ANN:

Oh, hi.� Would you like a cookie?

PINKBEARD (taking one):

Thank you.

MARY ANN:

It�s nice to have someone appreciate me slaving in the kitchen.� I�m such a good homemaker, but no one here appreciates my kitchen skills, my sewing skills, my cleaning skills, my . . .

PINKBEARD:

Lady, go away.� And take your cookie with you.� (He tosses it back to her)� If I were looking for a woman I wouldn�t be looking for one who wants to be subservient to me.� I�m looking for a life mate, not a wife maid.

MARY ANN:

Ooooh!

(She exits)

REDBEARD:

You were right, Captain.� They all came to us, but none of them worked out.� We should take the money and run.

PINKBEARD:

Not so fast.� There is one more.

REDBEARD:

There is?

PINKBEARD:

Yes, the cute thin one.� I think I could like him.

REDBEARD:

But could you love him?� Could he love you?

PINKBEARD:

I don�t know.� I thought he was attractive and, unlike Blondbeard, he�s definitely one of us.� Besides, what do you care?
(Blondbeard enters with Gilligan)

BLONDBEARD:

Captain Pinkbeard, look what I found hiding in the bushes.

PINKBEARD:

Good work, Blondbeard.� Why don�t you go get the others while I talk with this one?

BLONDBEARD:

Yes, sir.

(He exits)

PINKBEARD:

Young man, how would you like to leave this place?

GILLIGAN:

Oh, that would be great.� We�ve been waiting for years to be rescued.

PINKBEARD:

No, I said how would you like to leave.� Don�t you know only one can go?

(Pinkbeard walks around him, turns him around and checks him out from behind)

GILLIGAN:

But you can�t take just one of us.

(Pinkbeard bends him over and looks at his rear end)

PINKBEARD:

I can�t take any of them.� Except for you, perhaps.� You could be fun.� Do you want to go with me?

GILLIGAN (speaking upside-down between his legs):

Only if the rest can come too.

PINKBEARD (letting him back up):

Do you find me attractive?

GILLIGAN:

Honestly, I find you hot as hell, but I don�t want to abandon my friends.

PINKBEARD:

That�s admirable.

BLONDBEARD (entering with the other castaways):

Captain, look what else I found hiding in the bushes.

PINKBEARD:

Well, welcome back, everyone.� Ladies and gentlemen, I have come to a decision.� (To Mr. Howell)� Did you bring the money?

SKIPPER:

Howell, you dirty, rotten . . .

MR. HOWELL (pointing off stage):

Yes, it�s all in that chest over there.

PINKBEARD (to Mrs. Howell):

The jewels?

MARY ANN:

Mrs. Howell, how could you?

MRS. HOWELL:

They are in the chest also.

PINKBEARD:

Good.� Blondbeard, take that treasure chest on board.� (Blondbeard takes Ginger�s hand and starts walking away.)� The money, fool, the money!� (Blondbeard lets her go.)� We�ll meet you on board.� (Blondbeard exits.)� Now, for the decision.

ALL CASTAWAYS BUT GILLIGAN (variously):

Me!� Me!� Pick me!� It�s me!, etc.

PINKBEARD (pointing at Gilligan):

Him.

ALL CASTAWAYS BUT GILLIGAN:

Gilligan!?!?

MR. HOWELL:

But I paid you.

MRS. HOWELL:

I gave you my jewels.

MR. HOWELL:

Our family jewels?

MRS. HOWELL:

Our money?

PINKBEARD:

Yes, thank you.� You saved us the work of plunder.� But, this young man was the only one of you with enough with integrity not to put himself above his friends.

MARY ANN:

Gilligan, how could you?� Ooooh.

PINKBEARD:

And we pirates value honor, loyalty, and friendship more than gold.

GILLIGAN:

I didn�t mean it!� I didn�t mean it!

SKIPPER (hitting Gilligan with his hat):

Gilligan!

MARY ANN:

Oooh, that�s not fair.

PINKBEARD:

Redbeard, take him to the ship.

GILLIGAN:

But I don�t want to go!

PINKBEARD:

It wouldn�t be kidnapping if you did.

(Redbeard exits with Gilligan)

PROFESSOR:

Who can we blame for everything now?

MR. HOWELL:

Yes, he was our village idiot.

PINKBEARD:

Oh, look inside yourselves, people.� You�re all stranded on a desert island�whether it�s here or in the middle of a crushing crowd.

SKIPPER:

What the hell does that mean?

PINKBEARD:

It means . . .

MRS. HOWELL:

It means he�s trying to make us guilty.

PROFESSOR:

It�s existential bullshit.

PINKBEARD:

No, it means . . .

MARY ANN:

He�s just trying to make us fight amongst ourselves.

GINGER:

Like we would.� Really.

PINKBEARD:

It means . . .

MR. HOWELL:

Get out of here, Captain.

MRS. HOWELL:

And you can have the little bastard.� We never liked him anyway.

PINKBEARD:

I think you need him more than I do.� But you don�t deserve him.� Thank you, everyone.

(Pinkbeard exits.� The castaways stare after him in stunned silence.� Gilligan re-enters.)

GILLIGAN:

Skipper!� Skipper!� Everyone!� The guy taking me to the ship let me go!� He set me free!

ALL CASTAWAYS BUT GILLIGAN (variously, as they hit him with hats, etc.):

You dummy!� You ruined everything!, etc.

SKIPPER (as lights go to black):

Now we�ll never get off this goddam island.

(Lights are at black)

 

SCENE FOUR:

(Lights up.� It is evening.� Whatbeard and Fakebeard are on one side of the stage.� Peachfuzz and Nobeard are opposite.)

WHATBEARD:

What are you thinking about?

PEACHFUZZ:

I want to fuck you.

FAKEBEARD:

Loneliness.

WHATBEARD:

I�d like to be with someone too.

PEACHFUZZ:

I�d like to talk about it, at least.

NOBEARD:

I want it.� I really do.� But I don�t think I want it with you.

FAKEBEARD:

Am I not studly enough?

WHATBEARD:

I want to save my virginity.� I don�t know if you�re the one for me.

PEACHFUZZ and FAKEBEARD:

Then who?

NOBEARD and WHATBEARD:

Blondbeard is hot.

PEACHFUZZ:

He�s straight.

NOBEARD:

He�s very handsome, and gentle.� I�d like him to teach me about things.

FAKEBEARD:

He�s only interested in women.

WHATBEARD:

You don�t think he�d like me.

FAKEBEARD:

If you were a woman maybe.� He�s straight.

NOBEARD:

And so what if he�s straight?

PEACHFUZZ:

He won�t love you.� He�ll treat you like a dog.

WHATBEARD:

Yes, I know.

PEACHFUZZ:

Probably use you.

NOBEARD:

I think I love him.

FAKEBEARD:

I think I love you.

WHATBEARD:

No, you can�t.

NOBEARD:

I want him, and only him.

PEACHFUZZ:

I want you.� I love you.

WHATBEARD:

You don�t even know me.

PEACHFUZZ:

Give me a mercy fuck, at least.

FAKEBEARD:

I want you.

PEACHFUZZ:

Take your clothes off.

NOBEARD and WHATBEARD:

No!

(Peachfuzz grabs Nobeard�s shirt and tears it open.� Blondbeard enters.)

WHATBEARD (opening her own blouse to expose her breasts):

I�m nothing you want.

FAKEBEARD (excitedly tearing her own blouse open):

You�re everything I want.

BLONDBEARD (looking at the women):

My God, you guys are girls!� (Whatbeard covers herself, then runs off stage.� Fakebeard looks at Blondbeard a moment, then runs off after Whatbeard.)� And you boys are boys.� Get to bed.� Alone.

NOBEARD:

Yes, sir.� I always go to bed alone.� (Pause)� My ass is virgin.

PEACHFUZZ:

Hint, hint.

BLONDBEARD:

Good.� Keep it that way.

PEACHFUZZ:

Not if I can help it.

NOBEARD:

You can�t.

BLONDBEARD:

Go on.� Get to bed.� (To Peachfuzz)� And leave him alone, or you�ll have me to contend with.

(Newbeard enters with a tray of cookies)

NEWBEARD:

Time for bedtime snacks, boys.

BROWNBEARD (off stage):

Ship ahoy!

NEWBEARD (to the boys):

Cookies?

PEACHFUZZ:

No.

NOBEARD:

Ship!

NEWBEARD:

No shit.

(Pinkbeard and Brownbeard enter)

PINKBEARD (looking ahead):

What ship is that?

BLONDBEARD:

She�s a beaut, isn�t she?

NEWBEARD:

Ship.� It looks like a floating junkpile.

BLONDBEARD:

It�s a good ship, jolly fop.

NEWBEARD:

Bitch.

PINKBEARD:

Enough.� What do you know of it, Blondbeard?

BLONDBEARD:

That�s my old ship, Captain.� They�ve probably come to rescue me.

NEWBEARD:

Oh, Blondbeard is hoping to be rescued.� He wants to get away from all the queers.

NOBEARD:

Captain, don�t let them take him!

PEACHFUZZ:

There�s plenty of fish in the ocean.

NOBEARD:

I don�t want fish.

BLONDBEARD:

I don�t want to go.

NEWBEARD:

What?

BLONDBEARD:

I don�t want to go.

PINKBEARD:

If you really don�t want to go, we will fight to the end to save you.

BLONDBEARD:

No offense, Captain, but that�s the toughest crew on the ocean aboard that vessel.

PINKBEARD:

Oh?

BLONDBEARD:

Yes, the fiercest of the fierce�Blackbeard, Yellowbeard, Morgan.� I would go with them, but . . .

PINKBEARD:

Who else?

NOBEARD:

But what?

BLONDBEARD:

Believe it or not one woman, Hook, Smee, Kidd . . .

PINKBEARD:

And who the captain?

(Redbeard enters)

BLONDBEARD:

A name for frightful than all the others�Cap�n Crunch.

(Newbeard drops the tray of cookies)

REDBEARD:

St. Elmo save us!

PINKBEARD:

Sound the alarm!� Prepare for battle!

(A bell starts clanging wildly.� A cannon shot from the other ship is heard, then silence.� Music starts.� During the following Blackbeard, Yellowbeard, Cap�n Crunch, etc. board the ship.� A choreographed fight sequence takes place to the song.� An occasional gun or cannon shot is heard.� All of Pinkbeard�s pirates sing.)

 

Battle Song

 

A cannon, a cannon, a shot is heard.

And no one speaks a single word.

The flag of war is raised on high.

The flag of war means someone will die.

 

A pistol, a pistol, a shot is fired.

A prisoner has been acquired.

The sound of war does fill the air.

The sound of war is ev�rywhere.

 

A cutlass, a cutlass, a lunge is made.

The price of death, it will be paid.

The wounds of war have spilled their seed.

The wounds of war will always bleed.

 

A dagger, a dagger, a throat is slit.

A cannon makes a direct hit.

The end of war is coming near.

The end of war is welcome here.

 

Surrender, surrender, they give it up.

We take a drink from vic�try�s cup.

This round of war is tough to fight.

This round of war is ours tonight.

 

A whiskey, a whiskey, a shot is had.

We drink and drink, yet we are sad.

The price of war is so much pain.

The price of war�s too fight again.

The price of war is too much pain.

The price of war�s to fight again.

 

(The remaining enemy pirates leave the ship with their wounded comrades.� Pinkbeard and Brownbeard are also wounded.� There is another man lying in the corner.� Redbeard is almost frozen, unable to decide whether to assist Brownbeard or Pinkbeard.)

BROWNBEARD:

Redbeard, my love, come here.

(Redbeard crosses to him, but continues to look anxiously toward the captain)

REDBEARD:

Yes, I�m here.

BROWNBEARD:

Who else is injured?

REDBEARD:

You and the captain�no one else.

BROWNBEARD:

Who is that man in the corner?� Is he dead?

REDBEARD:

No, he�s drunk.

BROWNBEARD:

I don�t recognize him.

REDBEARD:

He�s a wreck, that is Edmund Fitzgerald.

BROWNBEARD:

He�s really drunk?

REDBEARD:

He�s sunk.

BROWNBEARD:

Me too.� I�m dying.

REDBEARD:

No, you�re not.� You�re being a drama queen.

BROWNBEARD:

I know what my body is saying.

REDBEARD:

Then you�re not listening well.

BROWNBEARD:

I am dying, and I have to tell you . . .

REDBEARD:

Don�t . . . please.

BROWNBEARD:

I have to tell you I love you, and I�m sorry for the way I treated you.

REDBEARD:

I love you too.

BROWNBEARD:

Oh, no, you don�t.� I know what your body has been saying too.� But you did once, and I can take that with me.� (He sits up.� A bright light shines on him.)� A drop of love in an ocean of time is more than most of us get.� (The bright light disappears as he falls back into Redbeard�s arms.)� I�m happy.� You should be too.

REDBEARD:

I�m sorry too.

BROWNBEARD:

Why don�t you go to the captain, and let me go?� I understand.

PEACHFUZZ (crossing to them, with Nobeard):

Is he all right?

REDBEARD:

Yes, he is.

(Brownbeard dies.� Nobeard and Peachfuzz carry his body off.� Other pirates exit, carrying Edmund Fitzgerald with them.� Redbeard crosses to Pinkbeard.� Blondbeard and Whatbeard remain on the opposite side of the stage, looking out to the sea.)

REDBEARD:

Are you all right, Captain?

PINKBEARD:

My pride is more injured than my body.� How is Brownbeard?

REDBEARD:

He�s gone, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

I�m sorry.� (Long pause)� Why did you let him go?

REDBEARD:

He was dying.� There was nothing I could do.

PINKBEARD:

I understand that.� I meant the young man from the island.� I�ve been meaning to ask you.

REDBEARD:

He escaped.

PINKBEARD:

I see.� Would you help me to my quarters?

REDBEARD:

Yes, sir.� Whatever you want.

(They exit)

BLONDBEARD:

You fought valiantly, for a woman.

WHATBEARD:

And you for a man.� I was afraid they would hurt you.

BLONDBEARD:

And I you.

WHATBEARD:

Or worse yet, kill you.

BLONDBEARD (crossing to her and removing her fake moustache):

Why did you hide yourself from me for so long?

WHATBEARD:

Women aren�t allowed on most pirate ships.� I couldn�t reveal myself.

BLONDBEARD:

I�ll keep your secret.� You know, I meant it when I said that if you were a woman I could love you.� It seems that you are, and I a man.

WHATBEARD:

Yes, the most handsome man I�ve ever seen.

BLONDBEARD:

And you are the most handsome woman who�s ever been.

WHATBEARD:

I feel as if I�m in a dream.

BLONDBEARD:

Do you think you could love me?� I think I might love you.

WHATBEARD:

Yes, I know I could love you.� I believe that I do.

(Music starts.� They sing.)

 

I�ve Never Been in Love Before

 

All these years that I�ve been waiting,

And fading, fading away�

Hold me close and never let me go.

And hold me so; no running away.

Oh, the dreams we both can lead;

Nothing else will matter now.

You are who I need.

Now I�m yours somehow.

 

I�ve never been in love before.

I�ve never been in love before.

I�ve never been in love.

 

All the time that I have waited

Was fated, fated to go�

Hold me close and tell me you believe

That I won�t leave; I will never go.

Oh, the times we two can share;

Only love will matter now.

You are why I care

And I�m yours somehow.

 

I�ve never been in love before.

I�ve never been in love before.

I�ve never been in love before.

I�ve never been in love before.

 

The stars within your eyes,

Show me paradise

And two worlds will be as one.

I�ll be your guiding light,

A beacon through the night.

You�re the moon and I�m the sun.

 

Oh, the dreams we both can lead;

Nothing else will matter now.

You are who I need.

Now I�m yours somehow.

Oh, the times we two can share;

Only love will matter now.

You are why I care . . .

I�ve never been in love before.

Etc.

 

(The two hold hands, then kiss.� Newbeard, Stubblebeard, and Fakebeard enter.)

STUBBLEBEARD:

What the hell?

(Whatbeard quickly puts the moustache back on)

NEWBEARD:

Blondbeard, you closet case.� I should have guessed.

FAKEBEARD (to Newbeard):

You know better, you ditzy thing.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Yes, all that posing and posturing.� It was too much.

(Pinkbeard, Redbeard, Peachfuzz, and Nobeard enter.)

BLONDBEARD:

Be quiet, both of you.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Or what?

BLONDBEARD:

Or I challenge you to a duel and kick your ass instead of fuck it.

STUBBLEBEARD:

I�ll show you a top man.

WHATBEARD:

No!

STUBBLEBEARD:

Oh, Whatbeard is afraid of becoming a widow already.� Maybe I should challenge you to a duel, Whatbeard.

FAKEBEARD:

No!

NEWBEARD:

Girl, stay out of it.

FAKEBEARD:

Stubblebeard, I challenge you to a duel.

STUBBLEBEARD:

And I accept, after I take care of these two.

FAKEBEARD:

No, me first.� Then you won�t have a chance at either of them.

NEWBEARD:

The other challenges were first, Fakebeard.

PINKBEARD:

Enough!� I don�t want to see any of my men fighting amongst themselves like this.� But�article six of pirate law demands a quarrel be settled with a duel on shore.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Are you ready for it, Blondbeard?

BLONDBEARD:

Yes.

PINKBEARD:

No.� There was only one challenge made and accepted here�the challenge of Fakebeard to Stubblebeard.� As soon as we find land, we will deposit them there with one gun each, and one cutlass, and let them fight to the death.� Redbeard, you are the navigator.� What is near?

REDBEARD (looking at some maps):

Sir, the nearest island is a couple hours away, a place called Lesbos.

PINKBEARD:

Then set your sails for Lesbos.� Everyone man your stations.

(All exit but Pinkbeard and Redbeard)

REDBEARD:

Anything we can do to stop it?

PINKBEARD:

No, not really.� Pirate law, you know.

REDBEARD:

With all due respect, Captain Pinkbeard, we pirates are outside the law.� We created our own code of conduct.� We can just as easily dismiss it or change it as circumstances demand.

PINKBEARD:

It is far easier to create a law than to get rid of one already created.

REDBEARD:

And far easier to break a law than to follow one that makes no sense.

PINKBEARD:

True.� There is also the law of nature, the law that governs all.� You can�t stop the inevitable.� You can�t veer off the path of fate.� Your destiny waits for you.

REDBEARD (hopefully):

I�m not sure I follow.

PINKBEARD:

It is fate that you and I are standing here talking at this moment of time at this location.� It was your fate and Brownbeard�s destiny that he died in that battle.� It was my fate and Gilligan�s destiny that he stayed on that island.� It�s fate that we�re here.� What becomes of that fate is destiny.

REDBEARD:

So those could have been side roads we took to get to . . .

NEWBEARD (running in):

Captain, you�re needed at the helm.

(Newbeard exits.)

REDBEARD:

So that is fate?

PINKBEARD:

And destiny waits.

(Pinkbeard and Redbeard exit.� Peachfuzz and Nobeard enter.� Blondbeard enters opposite with some rope and starts working on something.� After a bit he stops and listens.)

PEACHFUZZ:

I said I was sorry.

NOBEARD:

Leave me alone!

PEACHFUZZ:

You know you wanted it.

NOBEARD:

You said we were going to play a game.

PEACHFUZZ:

And we did.

NOBEARD:

That wasn�t a game.

PEACHFUZZ:

You knew.

NOBEARD:

I did not.

PEACHFUZZ:

What kind of a game do you know where you have to be tied up to play?� You knew what I was doing and you wanted it.

NOBEARD:

I believed you.� I let you tie me up because I trusted you.

PEACHFUZZ:

What kind of game did you think it would be?

NOBEARD:

I don�t know.

PEACHFUZZ:

You did too, and you enjoyed it.

NOBEARD:

I did not!

PEACHFUZZ:

You wouldn�t have let yourself get into that position if you didn�t want it.� Your body said you were enjoying it.

NOBEARD:

Maybe my body did, but not my mind.

PEACHFUZZ:

You�ll be back for more.� I was the same way when Stubblebeard first did it to me.

NOBEARD:

I trusted you.� I believed you.

PEACHFUZZ:

Then you�re stupid, to trust anyone.

NOBEARD:

I hate you!

PEACHFUZZ:

If you tell anyone about this, I�ll cut your privates off and throw them into the ocean.

NOBEARD:

I hate you!� I hate you!

BLONDBEARD (crossing to them):
What�s going on here?

PEACHFUZZ:

Nothing.

BLONDBEARD (to Nobeard):

You all right, boy?

PEACHFUZZ:

He�s a crybaby.� We were playing a game and he lost.

BLONDBEARD (to Nobeard):
Is that true?� (Silence; Nobeard is too scared to speak)� Well?

PEACHFUZZ:

Of course it is.� (He mimes a threat that Blondbeard can�t say)� Isn�t it, Nobeard?

(Nobeard doesn�t answer)

BLONDBEARD:

Good.� I�m glad that�s all it is.� Hey, I know a game we can play.

NOBEARD:

No!� No!

(Nobeard runs off stage)

PEACHFUZZ:

I�ll play with you, Blondbeard.

BLONDBEARD (pulling out a pistol):

All right.� Climb up on the plank there.

PEACHFUZZ:

What kind of game is this?

BLONDBEARD:

It�s called �climb up on the plank or I blow your bloody head off.�

PEACHFUZZ (backing away):

I don�t think I want to play.

BLONDBEARD:

Your body is saying you do.� You�re edging your way over there.

(Blondbeard keeps backing him up.)

PEACHFUZZ:

You�re not serious.

BLONDBEARD (laughing):

Do you really think I�d make you walk the plank?

PEACHFUZZ:

You had me there.� No, I guess not.

BLONDBEARD (putting the gun to Peachfuzz� head):

Get up there now.

PEACHFUZZ:

All right.

(He climbs up.)

BLONDBEARD:

You know, pirates are an honorable group.� The punishment for raping one of your fellows is death.

PEACHFUZZ:

But I . . .

BLONDBEARD:

And you might remember I told you to leave him alone or you�d face me.� Now you�re facing me.

PEACHFUZZ:

But you said you weren�t going to make me walk the plank.

BLONDBEARD:

I�m not.� (He pushes Peachfuzz off, waits a beat, then speaks.)� Boy overboard!

REDBEARD (off stage):

Land ahoy!

(Pinkbeard and Nobeard enter at the same time.)

PINKBEARD:

What happened?

BLONDBEARD:

Peachfuzz.� He was playing a game and went too far.� He went overboard.

REDBEARD (off stage):

Land ahoy!

(The rest of the pirates enter.)

PINKBEARD:

Men, I�m afraid I have some bad news.� We lost Peachfuzz.� He went overboard.� Let�s have a moment of silence for him, please.

NEWBEARD (immediately):

Girls, there�s land ahead!� We are about to see our darling, dueling shipmates go at it.� Cat fight supreme.� Bitch against bitch.

STUBBLEBEARD:

And I am going to kill.

NEWBEARD:

Go get her, girl.� You get her.� It�s time to party!� Party, party, party!� Fuck my man pussy!

STUBBLEBEARD:

You got it, baby!

(All exit as lights fade to black.)

 

SCENE FIVE:

(Lights come up on an island.� Three women enter.)

1ST LESBIAN:

A ship.

2ND LESBIAN:

Ugh.� Men.

3RD LESBIAN:

What are they doing here?� This is women-only space.

(Pinkbeard enters with Stubblebeard and Fakebeard.)

PINKBEARD:

Good afternoon.

1ST LESBIAN:

Pig.

PINKBEARD:

Pardon?

3RD LESBIAN:

Men aren�t welcome on Lesbos.

PINKBEARD:

Not even men who love other men?� We are your brothers.

3RD LESBIAN:

All men are oppressors.

2ND LESBIAN:

All men are evil.

1ST LESBIAN:

All men are alike.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Girls, don�t you think we share something in common?

1ST LESBIAN:

No.

3RD LESBIAN:

Don�t ever call me a girl.� I am a woman.

STUBBLEBEARD:

And a bitchy one at that.

3RD LESBIAN:

Let me at him.� I�ll kill him.

FAKEBEARD:

I�ll do that for you.

3RD LESBIAN:

Listen, mister, just because I�m a woman doesn�t mean I can�t defend myself.� I can fight my own battles.

FAKEBEARD:

Well, this is my battle.� I challenged this man to a duel.� Our code requires it be fought on shore.

2ND LESBIAN:

Why didn�t you say so?

1ST LESBIAN:

Yes, we�ll be happy to watch a duel.� At least if it�s to the death.

PINKBEARD:

And then we depart.

1ST LESBIAN:

Women, shall we allow it?

2ND LESBIAN:

I vote yes.� This could be fun.� Do we have a consensus?

1ST LESBIAN:

I�m for it.

3RD LESBIAN:

I have concerns.

STUBBLEBEARD:

Oh, for God�s sake.� Can we just do it, get it over with, and leave your damn island?

3RD LESBIAN:

I think we need to discuss this�in private.

1ST LESBIAN:

I�m not sure I agree with that.� Maybe these visitors would have some important input.

2ND LESBIAN:

They�re men.

3RD LESBIAN:

And they have guns.� I don�t want to introduce guns to this island.

(Pinkbeard grabs Fakebeard and Stubblebeard, takes their guns, and pulls them off to the side while the women continue arguing.)

PINKBEARD:

Go�start the duel.

FAKEBEARD:

But Captain, they haven�t made a decision yet.

PINKBEARD:

Go!� I�m standing here aging while they�re debating.

(Fakebeard and Stubblebeard start dueling with their cutlasses while the women continue.)

2ND LESBIAN:

Well, I do agree that guns are bad.

1ST LESBIAN:

They�re nothing more than symbols for the penis.

3RD LESBIAN:

And we don�t need representations of that around here.

2ND LESBIAN:

No, there are enough trees.� I have nightmares.

1ST LESBIAN:

I know what you mean.� That tall one over there with the two coconuts hanging down just makes me want to vomit.

2ND LESBIAN:

That�s the one.

3RD LESBIAN:

So, are we in agreement?� No guns?

1ST LESBIAN:

I think we can all agree to that.

2ND LESBIAN:

Yes, I agree.

3RD LESBIAN:

Now, as to the issue of whether we should allow them to fight . . .

2ND LESBIAN:

Or even be here.

3RD LESBIAN:

Yes, as I said, I have concerns about spilling male blood on our soil.

1ST LESBIAN:

Why do men always have to fight?� Why are they so violent?� Why can�t they just get along?

2ND LESBIAN:

I think it�s more a power display than anything.

3RD LESBIAN:

Like a peacock with its feathers.

2ND LESBIAN:

What a horrible name for a bird.

1ST LESBIAN:

I think it�s nice.

2ND LESBIAN:

It has the word cock in it.� And then they stick the word pea in front of it to remind you of one of its uses.

3RD LESBIAN:

I�ll bet it was named by a man.

1ST LESBIAN:

Everything was named by men.

3RD LESBIAN:

That�s true�women, lesbian, all our body parts, vagina, breast . . .

(Fakebeard and Stubblebeard have been fighting with neither gaining an advantage.� Fakebeard suddenly rips her blouse open, stunning Stubblebeard, who freezes for a moment.)

1ST LESBIAN:

Breast!

STUBBLEBEARD:

Breasts?� You�re a woman?

LESBIANS (variously):

A woman!� Yes!� Kill the bastard!� Stab the man!, etc.

(Fakebeard lunges at Stubblebeard and mortally wounds him.)

STUBBLEBEARD (as he�s falling):

Bitch.

PINKBEARD (to Fakebeard):

Nice move.� (To the lesbians)� The fight is over.� We�ll leave you now.� (To Fakebeard)� Are you ready?

FAKEBEARD:

I thought women weren�t allowed on board the ship.

PINKBEARD:

I won�t tell.� You�re a good sailor, and good with arms.� You�re already one of the crew.� I can�t ask you to quit now.

(The three lesbians have come over and gathered around Fakebeard, touching and caressing her.)

FAKEBEARD:

I appreciate it, Captain Pinkbeard, but I don�t think I want to leave.� It looks like I may have found a home here.

PINKBEARD:

Are you sure?

FAKEBEARD:

No, but I think so.� It feels right.

PINKBEARD:

Take care then.� Good-bye.� We�ll miss you.

(Pinkbeard exits.� The three lesbians start exiting with Fakebeard.� Lights start fading.)

FAKEBEARD:

Are you going to show me the island?� It looks nice.� I�d like to explore it.

1ST LESBIAN:

We want to explore you first.

2ND LESBIAN:

We haven�t had new meat around here for a while.

1ST LESBIAN:

Are you a top or bottom?

FAKEBEARD:

Yes.

2ND LESBIAN:

We�re going to like you.

3RD LESBIAN:

Welcome home, sister.

(Lights are at black.)

 

SCENE SIX

(Lights up on the ship.� It is morning.� Pinkbeard enters and looks around.� Blondbeard, Whatbeard, and Nobeard enter.)

BLONDBEARD:

Good morning, Captain.

PINKBEARD:

Morning.

BLONDBEARD:

Captain, we need to speak with you.

PINKBEARD:

You know, you two guys make a nice couple.

WHATBEARD:

Pinkbeard, that�s part of what we need to talk about.� (She removes her moustache.)� I�m not a man.

PINKBEARD:

And I�m not a fool.� I knew that.

WHATBEARD:

And you let me stay?

PINKBEARD:

You were good sailors, you and Fakebeard.

NOBEARD:

And the rest of us weren�t?

PINKBEARD:

The rest were good seamen, which you need on a ship like this.

BLONDBEARD:

That was a very bad joke.� Pinkbeard, we want to leave.

PINKBEARD:

I see.� It wasn�t that bad, was it?

WHATBEARD:

No, sir.� None of this voyage has been that bad.� It has nothing to do with you.� The truth is we�ve fallen in love and want to settle down.� It was fate that we both ended up on a ship where we really didn�t belong.

BLONDBEARD:

And somehow found each other.

PINKBEARD:

I see.

WHATBEARD:

We�d like to take the boy with us . . .

BLONDBEARD:

Adopt him and give him a real home . . .

WHATBEARD:

Raise him as our own . . .

BLONDBEARD:

And let him become whoever he is.

PINKBEARD:

I see the world sinking before my eyes.� Redbeard and I will be the only ones left who know anything about sailing.� Newbeard�s still here, but he�s more interested in sales on women�s clothes than he is in sails of ships.� Everyone else is leaving.

NOBEARD:

I�ll stay with you if you need me or command me to stay.

PINKBEARD:

No, your new parents are right.� You need a good home.� Of course, I will let the three of you out of your compacts.� You are free to go when we get home.

NOBEARD (crossing to Pinkbeard and hugging him):

Thank you, Uncle Pinkbeard.

PINKBEARD:

You�re welcome, lad.� Thank you.

WHATBEARD:
Thank you, Captain.� Good luck to you.

BLONDBEARD:

Come on all.� Let�s go pack.� We�re going home.

(They exit.� Pinkbeard turns and looks out to sea.)

PINKBEARD:

My God, I�m alone.� I want to just jump over and let the water wash me away.� (Pause.)� Ah, but I can�t.� Somewhere in me deeper than the ocean floor is a grain of hope, a bit of sand being shaped into a shard of glass that I can see myself through, (Music starts) and I see a thing of beauty lying by itself, sparkling in the sun.

 

Finding Love

 

The ship is a�heaving as we head for home;

Everyone�s leaving and I�m all alone.

It�s just me and the ocean waving good-bye.

If I could find love now, I�d give it a try.

 

The job is much harder as we sail along;

Looks like our charter has somehow gone wrong.

It�s just me and a few guys, and we are unfit.

If I could find love now, I�m ready for it.

 

Chorus:

����������� I�ve been sailing through life on an ocean of love;

����������� Been looking for someone and a spot to nest.

����������� But all of the places looked just like the rest.

����������� It was here all along, I now must confess.

����������� I was sailing right past the emotion of love.

 

The ship moves a�windward as we shift our sails;

And I look on inward and see how I�ve failed.

It�s just me with myself now, out of my prime.

If I could find love now, I�d take it this time.

 

The wind blows much stronger as we push ahead.

If I wait much longer, my love won�t be fed.

It�s just me feeling sorry, self-pity again.

If I could find love now, my heart would open.

 

Repeat chorus

 

Bridge

����������� The love that I needed was here from the start.

����������� The love that I needed was here in my heart.

����������� The love that I wanted was hidden in fear.

����������� The love that I wanted was standing right here.

����������� The love that I found now will never depart.

 

Repeat chorus

 

(Redbeard enters and crosses to Pinkbeard)

REDBEARD:

Good morning, Captain Pinkbeard.

PINKBEARD:

Is it?

REDBEARD:

I think so.

PINKBEARD:

What makes it so good?

REDBEARD:

Look at the sun shimmering on the water, the cloudless sky.� Feel the ship swaying under us.� We�re standing next to each other, men who love the sea, on a piece of wood that we can�t leave, and we�re freer right now than any man on the continent.

(Pause)

PINKBEARD:

We are, aren�t we?

REDBEARD:

Free to love who we please, go where we want . . .

PINKBEARD:

You have a way of looking at things.

REDBEARD:

Cock-eyed.

PINKBEARD:

That defines everyone on this ship.� (Pause)� Look at me.

REDBEARD (glancing at Pinkbeard):

Yes, sir?

PINKBEARD:

No.� I mean really look at me, and don�t call me sir.

REDBEARD:

Yes, si . . . yes, Pinkbeard.

(They look at each other intently)

PINKBEARD:

I�ve never seen you before.� I�ve looked at you hundreds of times, day after day, month after month, and I�ve never seen you before.

REDBEARD (turning away):

I can�t.

(Pinkbeard takes Redbeard�s chin and turns him back.)

PINKBEARD:

What do you mean you can�t?

REDBEARD:

I . . . it�s too . . . I just can�t say it.

PINKBEARD:

Say it.� I�ll understand.

REDBEARD:

I . . . I love you too much to look at you that deeply and not have my love returned.

PINKBEARD:

You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

REDBEARD:

What?

PINKBEARD:

I�ve been sailing all over the world trying to fulfill a fantasy, while the reality was here all along.

REDBEARD:

I�m not sure what you mean.

PINKBEARD:

I mean that I love you.� I want you to be mine.

REDBEARD:

Oh, yes.� Any time.

(They kiss passionately.)

PINKBEARD:

It is a good morning, isn�t it?� Look at the light shimmering in your eyes.

(They kiss again.� Blondbeard, Whatbeard, and Nobeard enter.)

NOBEARD:

Fishing for tonsils, Captain?

PINKBEARD:

Uh, no.� No.�� Nothing wrong.� We�re just talking here.� You shouldn�t sneak up on people like that, lad.

WHATBEARD:

Excuse us, men.

BLONDBEARD:

Captain, we need to talk with you again.

PINKBEARD:

Yes, sure.� Now what?� Do you want to get off now . . . uh . . . let off . . . be let off now?

NOBEARD:

No, sir.� We decided you need us.

PINKBEARD:

What?

BLONDBEARD:

We talked some more, and decided that we can�t abandon you.� You need a good first mate, a good cabin boy, and a good woman.

REDBEARD:

A good sailor maybe . . . not a good woman.

WHATBEARD:

And we were meant for the sea.

PINKBEARD:

Well, welcome aboard again.

NOBEARD:

Uncle Pinkbeard, there�s a rowboat coming at us!� Near the stern.

PINKBEARD:

Redbeard, Blondbeard, Nobeard, go check it out.

(They exit)

WHATBEARD:

I�m glad we�re staying.� The boy needs to be around some people like him.

PINKBEARD:

I was ready to quit myself, to jump overboard and give it all up.

WHATBEARD:

And what changed your mind?

PINKBEARD:

I realized that I still loved myself enough not to do that.� And Redbeard.� He defined what it is I love about the sea, and about him.� It�s strange.� It was here all along.� He was the only constant, the one true, unwavering friend.� I think I�m happy.

WHATBEARD:

And I�m happy for you.

(Blondbeard, Redbeard, and Nobeard enter with Fakebeard.)

BLONDBEARD:

Captain, look what we found.

PINKBEARD:

What the hell are you doing here?

FAKEBEARD:

Pinkbeard, I beg you to take me back.� I know I abandoned the ship back on that island, but please take me back.

PINKBEARD:

I thought it was home for you.

FAKEBEARD:

Those women were driving me nuts, and none of them were any good sexually.� Please take me back.

PINKBEARD:

The penalty for abandoning ship is death.

FAKEBEARD:

I understand.� I had to try.� I�d rather suffer death than be stuck for an eternity with them.� But I beg you, please take me back.

PINKBEARD:

Fakebeard must die.� (Pause)� You can take off the beard and men�s clothes and be yourself.� Fakebeard will be dead, and we�ll welcome you aboard as . . . Lesbeard.

FAKEBEARD:

I like that.� It has a nice ring to it.� (Removing the beard)� I�ll gladly get rid of the beard, but I sort of like the men�s clothes, if you don�t mind.� My parents used to dress me that way and I�m used to it.

NEWBEARD (off stage):

I heard that!� (Entering, dressed as a woman)� Well, if she can wear men�s clothes and nobody says a word, then I can wear women�s clothes and still do my job.

PINKBEARD:

That�s fine, Newbeard.

NEWBEARD:

You can call me Newbreast, if you don�t mind.

PINKBEARD:

By the power vested in me I pronounce you Newbreast.� And I pronounce Fakebeard Lesbeard.� Furthermore, I pronounce Blondbeard, Whatbeard, and Nobeard husband, wife, and child.� And, I pronounce Redbeard my lawfully wedded husband and I his.� Let us go in peace.� Men!� Women!� Hoist the sails!

BLONDBEARD:

Where are we going?

PINKBEARD:

Wherever the wind takes us, Blondbeard, wherever the wind takes us.

 

Wherever the Wind Will Take Us

 

This is the answer to an old prayer�

Finding that someone who really cares.

The morning sunlight shines oh so bright�

Out of the darkness, into the light.

 

This is the wakeup to a nightmare�

Finding that someone who really cares.

The morning sunlight shines oh so bright�

End of the darkness and of the night.

 

Chorus

����������� We�ve ridden through the storm with very little harm

����������� And now we�ll go wherever the wind will take us.

����������� We�ll sail across the sea and live in harmony

����������� And yes, we�ll go wherever the wind will take us.

 

This is the ointment after the pain�

Finding that someone to break the chains.

The morning�s blue skies over the sea�

On the horizon, now we are free.

 

This is the rainbow after the rain�

Finding that someone to break the chains.

The morning�s blue skies over the sea�

Light up the way to our destiny.

 

Repeat chorus two times.

 

Amen

 

(At the end of the choreography, Redbeard falls into Pinkbeard�s arms)

PINKBEARD:

Ah, men!

(Blackout)