PROLOGUE

(Lights up on young couple stage left; they are saying good-bye; all actors’ lines are mouthed; all titles are projected or on large cards; wherever an actor and title say the same thing the title will follow the actor)

TITLE: In today’s newsreel, couples all across the country are saying good-bye

(The couple parts; they look at each other)

YOUNG WOMAN: Goodbye.

YOUNG MAN: Goodbye, my love.

YOUNG WOMAN: Goodbye.

TITLE: As America heads to war.

YOUNG WOMAN (pantomiming zipping up of pants): Oh, and you’d better keep it in your pants over there.

YOUNG MAN: Oh, leave me alone, woman.

YOUNG WOMAN: I know those European women. I know you.

YOUNG MAN (pushing past her): Leave me alone!

TITLE: It will be the war to end all wars.

YOUNG WOMAN (following him): Don’t you walk away from me!

YOUNG MAN (as he exits stage left): Leave me alone!

(She yells after him as she follows him off; a woman enters opposite, looking around)

TITLE: Streets are emptying. Women and children are left behind.

TITLE: Men—true men—rally behind the cry of war.

(Woman breaks into tears, then exits left; another young man enters opposite and crosses to center; he is followed by a young woman)

2^ND YOUNG WOMAN: Wait! (He turns to her) Wait!

2^ND YOUNG MAN (pointing off left): I have to go. (Saluting) It is my duty.

2^ND YOUNG WOMAN: But wait.

2^ND YOUNG MAN: I have to do what I am told.

2^ND YOUNG WOMAN: Wait. One more hug before you go.

(They hug)

TITLE: True patriotic women let them go.

(The hug ends and he exits, with her following, crying “wait” behind him; another couple enters opposite; the woman is pregnant)

3^RD YOUNG MAN: It’s time.

3^RD YOUNG WOMAN: Oh, I feel faint. Hold me.

(He takes her in his arms and hugs her and holds her; a young man enters behind her)

TITLE: This scene is played out in cities and towns across the country.

(The 4^th Man kisses the 3^rd Young Man even as he and his wife are still hugging)

TITLE: Oops.

TITLE: We turn now (4^th Man turns and exits, the couple following, still in their hugging pose) to the training of our brave young men.

(A squadron of soldiers enters stage left and crosses to center)

COMMANDER: Atten-hut!

(They all come to attention; the commander moves down the line inspecting each of the soldiers as they spin their rifles for him)

TITLE: In camps all over the country young men are taught how to fight . . .

TITLE: How to respect authority . . . how to win . . . how to be fighting machines . . . all in preparation for

(Last soldier drops his gun)

COMMANDER (pointing to the floor): Drop, soldier! Give me five.

(The soldier drops and starts doing push-ups; the commander turns and signals a charge; the soldiers start advancing on the enemy; Commander steps to the rear to enjoy a smoke)

TITLE: Combat against the hated enemy.

TITLE: They fight for freedom. (A soldier is shot)

TITLE: They fight for happiness. (A soldier is shot)

TITLE: They fight for their families (A soldier is shot)

TITLE: And the American way. They fight to kill (A soldier is shot) Or be killed (A soldier is shot, as are all but the Commander, who is left alone; he takes a photo out and looks at it, then decides to run away).

TITLE: Uncle Sam needs you! Join now!

(Blackout)

DIRECTOR’S SPEECH

TITLE: Broom Street Theater presents Silent Play.

TITLES: Matt Kenyon, Brad Brist, Michael Marshall, Cassi Harris, Joey Cammarano, Heather Renken, Tracy Grzbowski, Karyn Ashburn, and Matt Grzbowski.

SCENE ONE:

(Lights up on Geo’s family; Beo is mixing up some food and most of her children are gathered around her feet, except for Geo and his dead sister, who are stage right; the sister is laid out with coins on her eyes)

TITLE: At the Geo homestead in the wild west.

BEO: Who’s there?

TITLE: Duane.

BEO: Duane? Duane who?

TITLE: Duane the bathtub. I’m dwowning.

BEO: I hate that kid.

BEO & TITLE: Geo, get the door.

(Geo steps over and opens the door; his friend enters)

FRIEND: Hi.

GEO: Hi.

FRIEND: Hi Geo, can you come out and play?

GEO: Mother, can I go out and play?

BEO: You’ll have to ask your father. (She turns and yells off stage left) Geo, Sr.!

(Geo, Sr. enters)

GEO, SR.: What!?!

GEO: Dad, can I go out and play?

FRIEND: Yeah, can he come out and play?

GEO, SR. & TITLE: No, you have to watch your sister.

GEO: Awww. (Turns to his friend) I have to watch my sister.

FRIEND (pointing across the room): She’s over there, with your Mom.

GEO (pointing to the corpse): No, this one.

FRIEND & TITLE: Ain’t she dead?

GEO (nodding): Yeah.

FRIEND: Then why do you have to watch her?

GEO (shrugging): I don’t know.

GEO & TITLE: I just do what Father says.

FRIEND: Well, okay. (Waving) Bye.

GEO (waving): Bye.

FRIEND & TITLE: Don’t get bored stiff. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

(Friend exits; Geo Sr. puts his arm around Beo; while they’re talking, Geo steals the coins from his sister’s eyes)

GEO, SR. (smelling the food): Mmmmm. What’s for dinner?

BEO: It’s a stew. It’ll be ready in . . . (she looks at her watch and then holds up one index finger) one hour.

GEO, SR.: I can’t wait. (Rubbing his belly) I’m hungry.

ALL THE CHILDREN: I’m hungry! I’m hungry!

BEO (holding up one index finger again): One hour.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: You know, Beo. I have the day off today.

BEO: Day off? Isn’t that going to cost us thousands of dollars?

GEO, SR.: No, it’s a paid day off.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: I think it’s about time I taught Geo, Jr. about life . . . (She nods)

TITLE: . . . about the things that men like to do. (She nods)

GEO, SR. It’s what I should do, so he knows what to do when he wants to do man things the way that I do.

BEO: Well, you’re the man. You know what to do.

GEO SR. (crossing to Geo): Geo, Jr.

GEO: Yes, Dad.

GEO SR. & TITLE: I’m gonna show you how to be a man; the things that men who know what to do do.

GEO: Doo-doo?

GEO, SR.: No, do do. Things that men who know how to do do.

GEO & TITLE: Doo-doo!

GEO, SR.: No, I’m talking about . . .

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Hunting. Fishing. Making money.

GEO, SR. (flexing his muscles): Manly things. (Holding his fingers like a gun) You have your gun?

GEO (pulling out a gun): I always have my gun.

GEO, SR.: Good, let’s go.

GEO, SR. (pointing to corpse) & TITLE: Jed, you watch your sister.

JED: Awww.

GEO, SR.: Goodbye. (Holding up one index finger) We’ll be back in one hour.

GEO (waving his gun at them): Bye. Bye. Bye.

(The Geos exit; Mother looks at her daughter’s corpse)

BEO & TITLE: Who took the coins from your sister’s eyes? Quit doing that. (She shakes her head)

BEO: Now, take her up to bed and then come back down for dinner.

(All of them exit left)

SCENE TWO:

(The Geos enter right and stop center stage)

TITLE: Later, at the hunting grounds and fishing hole.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Son, I’m going to show you the basics of being a man.

GEO: Thanks, Dad.

GEO, SR: First, when hunting you must be very quiet. (He puts his finger to his lips and Geo nods) Then, . . . (A duck enters and crosses in front of them) Shoot, shoot.

(Geo shoots and hits the bird; the duck grabs its behind in pain and flies off right)

GEO: I hit it.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Well, that was an ass shot, son. That might be good for chasing women, but it ain’t gonna get you a duck. (A pheasant enters and crosses)

GEO, SR.: Pheasant, shoot, shoot.

(Geo shoots and misses a couple times as the pheasant exits right)

GEO: I’m sorry, Dad.

GEO, SR.: Take a lesson from this, Geo. Always remember . . .

GEO, SR. & TITLE: If you don’t kill something the first time, try again. Always finish what you start.

GEO: Okay, Dad.

(The pheasant sticks its head back out stage right and Geo aims and blows its head off; Geo, Sr. puts his arm around Geo)

GEO, SR.: Good job, son. You killed something. Now, put your gun down.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Take out your rod. We’re gonna fish.

GEO: Okay, Dad.

(They put their lines in the water; a fish enters and swims closer to them; it grabs Geo’s line and starts to struggle)

GEO: I got one.

GEO, SR.: Pull it in.

(Geo reels the fish in and then throws it to the ground and proceeds to club it to death)

GEO: I got it, Dad.

GEO & TITLE: I got a big bass.

GEO, SR. (patting Geo’s head): That’s my boy. Good job, son. But that’s not a bass.

GEO, SR & TITLE: It’s a humuhumunukunukuapuaa

GEO, SR. & TITLE (as poor couple enters and crosses to them): Ugh, poor people.

GEO (mimicking his father): Ugh, poor people.

POOR MAN: Excuse me, sir. Could you spare a dime?

(Geo, Sr. punches the man in the gut, knocking him over)

POOR WOMAN & TITLE: Oh, please sir. We’re poor and tired and hungry.

(Geo punches her in the gut, then reaches in the Poor Man’s pocket and takes out a dollar bill)

GEO: Look, Dad. I got a dollar.

GEO, SR. (patting Geo’s head): Good job, son. (Pointing to the fish) You can take the fish. It’s not a keeper. Get out of here.

(The couple takes the fish and exits right; Geo hugs his father)

GEO & TITLE: Thanks, Dad. You taught me well.

(The Geos stay in place for the next scene)

SCENE THREE:

(Beo enters stage right; the Geos cross to her)

TITLE: Several years later, back at the homestead.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Well, Dear, it’s time for me to take Geo, Junior off to school.

BEO: Geo, go say goodbye to your sister.

GEO: Sure, Mom.

(He exits)

BEO: Oh, I’m going to miss that boy.

GEO, SR.: Me, too.

BEO & TITLE: I’m proud of him going so far.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: He’ll go as far as I can take him.

(Geo enters; he flips a couple coins and puts them in his pocket)

GEO, SR. & TITLE: I’ll go saddle up the horse (s) while you two say goodbye.

BEO: Okay, dear. (Turning to Geo as Geo, Sr. crosses center to get the horses ready) I’m going to miss you so much.

GEO: I’m going to miss you too, Mom.

(They kiss passionately)

BEO & TITLE: My little boy is so big now.

GEO: Bye, Mom.

(She crawls off stage; he crosses to father and they both ride off right on horses; N. Dover enters and waits for them to cross; the school administrators will wear signs with their names; the Geos dismount and let the horses go)

TITLE: Going off to school.

GEO, SR.: Hello, Mr. Dover.

N. DOVER: Hello, Mr. Geo.

GEO, SR.: I’d like you to meet my son, Geo.

N. DOVER: Pleased to meet you.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Geo would like to attend your prep school. He needs hisself a good education.

N. DOVER: Welcome aboard. (Musicians and partiers enter) Oh, we’re having a dance tonight.

GEO: Great! I can’t wait.

(The musicians start to play; Geo and N. Dover start to dance; Geo, Sr. steps back with the band; Geo works his way across the stage to the college administrator and his wife)

ELI: Hello.

GEO: Hello. I’m Geo.

ELI & MRS. ELI: Pleased to meet you.

GEO (pointing to his father) & TITLE: My father talked to you about college. I need a education.

ELI & TITLE: Whatever your father wants. You’re welcome here.

(They shake hands and then all start to dance; Geo works his way across stage right to the post-graduate school administrator)

HARVEY: Hello.

GEO: Hello, I’m Geo.

HARVEY: Pleased to meet you.

GEO: My father talked to you about college. I need some more larnin’.

HARVEY & TITLE: If your father wants it, you can get a master’s degree here.

(They dance; everyone joins the dancing; the jug player hands Geo his bottle, from which he starts to drink heavily; the administrators form a circle around Geo and each gives him a diploma; he continues drinking and dancing in their circle until he falls over and throws up into the band’s wash basin; everyone picks up and leaves; Geo is left passed out on the floor).

SCENE FOUR:

(Geo remains passed out on the floor; he rolls over into different positions as each of the following titles comes up)

TITLE: The Lost Weekends: March 21-23.

TITLE: July 4-6.

TITLE: Mid-October

TITLE: December 26 til sometime in January or February.

SCENE FIVE:

(A Woman enters right and sees Geo lying in the street; she goes over to him)

TITLE: A busy street corner.

WOMAN: My goodness. (She looks at his butt) Oh, hello. (Turning back toward his face) Hello?

(A Man enters left)

WOMAN & TITLE: I wonder if he’s dead.

MAN: What’s going on here?

WOMAN: I don’t know. I think this man may be dead. (To Geo) Are you dead? Tell me if you’re dead.

MAN: He’s dead drunk, that’s what he is.

WOMAN: No, he can’t be drunk.

MAN: Doesn’t he know there’s a war going on?

WOMAN & TITLE: You can’t fight a war on your back. That’s my job.

(They get him up and point him in the direction of the military registration office)

MAN & TITLE: Young man like you should be fighting. Go see the recruiter.

MAN (pointing): He’s that way.

(A Newsboy left enters as Geo exits right)

NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

NEWSBOY & TITLE: War declared!

WOMAN: We already know that.

NEWSBOY: Read all about it! Extra! Extra!

NEWSBOY & TITLE: Draft to start!

PERSON ON STREET: I’ll take one.

2^ND PERSON ON STREET & TITLE: Don’t know nothing about the war if you don’t follow the news.

PEACEABLE WOMAN: I’ll take one.

(Everyone buys and reads newspapers and creates a general hubbub of excitement)

NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra!

YOUNG WOMAN & TITLE: My in-laws are coming to visit. This is inconvenient.

PEACEABLE WOMAN: This is a shame.

(Everyone stops in his or her tracks and stares at her)

PERSON ON STREET: What’s a shame?

PEACEABLE WOMAN & TITLE: People are going to die. Oh, this is bad news. This is terrible. Is this really necessary?

WOMAN (with glee) & TITLE: Shootings and killings and burnings, oh my!

(Everyone starts closing in on the Peaceable Woman; they start pushing her down and yelling at her)

ALL (variously): Peace lover! Traitor! Anti-war activist! Treason! Benedict Arnold!, etc., etc. (Man takes her newspaper) Kill! Blood! Kill! Blood! Kill! Blood! Kill! Blood!

MAN & TITLE: Let’s tar and feather her!

ALL: Yeah! Kill her! Tar and feather!, etc., etc.

(They carry her off right)

SCENE SIX:

(A Recruiter is working in his office; a Young Man enters)

TITLE: At the recruiter’s office.

YOUNG MAN: Hi, I . . .

RECRUITER & TITLE: Hi, you here to join?

YOUNG MAN: Well, the thing is, do I have to?

RECRUITER (surprised): Yeah.

YOUNG MAN & TITLE: Is there any way out?

RECRUITER: Well, you got any money?

YOUNG MAN: No money, I’m a farm boy. (Pause) I got a sister.

RECRUITER: Hmm. How old?

YOUNG MAN: Twelve.

RECRUITER: Used? (Young Man signals maybe a little bit) Mmm, sorry. Can’t help.

(Geo enters; Recruiter snaps his fingers and is given a hat, which he puts on the young man; points off right) Rest of your uniform’s over there. Good luck.

YOUNG MAN (crossing away): Thanks, I think. Pray for me.

(Geo crosses to Recruiter)

RECRUITER: Hi, here to join?

GEO: Actually, is there any way out of it?

RECRUITER: Got any money?

GEO: Yes, I do.

GEO & TITLE: My Dad’s rich.

RECRUITER: That’s good for you.

GEO: Thanks.

RECRUITER & TITLE: Say, you got a sister?

GEO: Two. One’s dead.

RECRUITER: Used?

GEO: Not really.

RECRUITER: I’ll take her.

GEO & TITLE: I’ll write a letter home and tell Ma to send her.

RECRUITER (looking at the wad of money): You can go now.

GEO: Oh, good, I can go. Wait, you don’t mean go, as in go.

RECRUITER: No, you don’t have to go-go, just go.

GEO: Oh, so I can go . . . go?

RECRUITER: Yes, you can go, but I don’t think you want to go-go.

GEO: Wake me up . . .

RECRUITER: Go, go, go!

(Geo exits; Recruiter turns around)

SCENE SEVEN:

(Recruiter suddenly becomes a drill sargeant)

TITLE: On the training and drilling grounds.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Atten-hut! (A group of soldiers starts to enter opposite) Did I tell you to march?

SOLDIER 1: No, I guess not.

(They turn quickly around and exit)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Atten-hut! Forward march!

SOLDIER 1 (sticking head out from backstage) & TITLE: Does that mean go?

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Yes, go, go! (Five soldiers march out and form a line; jostling and bumping each other to get the line straight; soldier four stops in an odd pose, as if signalling “halt”) Are you done!?!

SOLDIER 3: Yes.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH (looking at Soldier 4): What is that?

SOLDIER 4 & TITLE: It’s my halt, sir.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Well, that’s all well and good.

SOLDIER 2: We look good.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Shut up!! (Counting the soldiers) One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH & TITLE: Where’s the other one?

SOLDIER: What other one, sir?

(Soldier 6 enters with his sister)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH (turning to him): You’re late.

SOLDIER 6: Wait, wait.

SOLDIER 6 & TITLE: This is my sister. See, she’s all cuddly and stuff.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: No, no, no.

SOLDIER 6: But I thought I could get out.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: No, no, no.

SOLDIER 6: I’ll take her.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: No, no, no. (Pointing to Soldier 6) You, get in line. (Pointing to sister) You, get out of here. (She starts to cry) No, go. (She starts to exit; she turns before leaving and pulls a Kleenex out of her blouse to blow her nose; as she’s exiting Geo enters; Sgt. Scarborough screams after her) Go, go, go!

GEO: I should go?

(Sgt. Scarborough starts to say yes, but then remembers Geo paying him; he pulls out the wad of money and motions for him to sit down and enjoy himself)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: No, don’t go. Stay.

GEO: Thank you.

(Geo sits down and pops open a beer as he watches the drills)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH (turning back to his troops): Okay, recruits . . .

SGT SCARBOROUGH & TITLE: We’re going to do some camouflage drills now. Be a rock.

(All of them take positions like rocks; Soldier 4 has again left himself in a strange-looking position)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Does that look like a rock? What is that?

SOLDIER 4 & TITLE: I’m a statue.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: I don’t want you to be a statue. Okay, everyone . . .

SGT. SCARBOROUGH & TITLE: Be a bush.

(All of them take positions like bushes; Soldier 1 crosses over and sits down next to Geo, imitating Geo’s posture and behavior; Sgt. Scarborough looks them over and then notices Soldier 1 with Geo; he crosses to them)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: What are you doing?

SOLDIER 1: I’m being a bush.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Get back in line. Okay, dunderheads . . .

(Soldier 1 and Sgt. Scarborough cross back to the line; Leo enters and sits on the ground)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH & TITLE: Be a tree.

(All of them takes positions as trees; Soldier 1 starts crying; Leo takes out a sandwich and says a prayer before starting to eat it)

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Why are you crying, soldier?

SOLDIER 1: I’m a tree.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: And that makes you cry?

SOLDIER 1 & TITLE: I’m a weeping willow.

(Sgt. Scarborough puts his head in his hands as Leo turns to Geo)

LEO: Would you like a sandwich?

GEO: Thank you—amazing, isn’t it?

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Okay, a cannonball is coming at you. Get out of its way. To the right. Now the left.

GEO & TITLE: It’s amazing, his control. Everything he says, they do. No matter what.

LEO: Good observation.

LEO & TITLE: It’s a great day for drills.

GEO: I suppose.

LEO: I love the drills.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH & TITLE: Okay, girls, it’s time to milk the cows. You know how to milk cows, don’t you?

SOLDIER 3 & TITLE: You just put your lips together and blow.

LEO & TITLE: You look like you could be a strong soldier.

GEO: Why would I want to do that?

LEO & TITLE: Well, it’s your duty, isn’t it?

LEO: Why wouldn’t you?

GEO: I paid my dues.

LEO: You must have been very brave.

GEO: My Dad sure was. Want a beer?

LEO: No, thanks. I don’t drink. Jesus wouldn’t approve.

GEO: Oh, really. He drank wine, didn’t he?

TITLE: Geo: My Dad sure was.

Leo: Jesus wouldn’t approve.

Geo: He drank wine, didn’t he?

LEO: Good point.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Atten-hut!

LEO: How long was your service?

GEO: It felt like I was in and out in two minutes.

SGT. SCARBOROUGH: Forward, march!

(The soldiers and Sgt. Scarborough march out left)

GEO: Look at them go.

LEO: I’m fascinated by that kind of strength and power. It’s so interesting.

GEO: You’re so interesting. Most of the women who come out here to watch drills are just looking for a husband. Of course, that’s not really going to happen, because the men are leaving, so it ends up being a meaningless one-night stand. Why are you here?

TITLE: You’re interesting, blah, blah, blah, why are you here?

LEO: It’s my duty. It’s nice for them to see a friendly face.

GEO & TITLE: I’ve been accused of having a friendly face.

LEO: I would say you do.

GEO: And you do, too.

LEO: How’s your sandwich? I’ve been known to be a pretty good cook—in the kitchen.

TITLE: I’m a good cook—in the kitchen.

TITLE: Awkward silence.

LEO (finally): So, what are you doing now?

(Geo passes out and falls into her lap; uncertain of what to do, Leo leaves)

SCENE EIGHT:

(A couple enters and crosses, walking past the prone Geo; another couple enters and crosses past him; Geo, Sr. enters and crosses to him)

TITLE: On a city street.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: That’s my boy!

GEO, SR. (kneeling next to Geo): Geo, get up. Wake up, boy!

GEO: Huh, what? Where did that girl go?

GEO, SR.: Come on, get up. How long have you been lying there?

GEO: I don’t know.

GEO & TITLE: A couple minutes, months.

GEO, SR.: You can’t around drinking your way through life.

GEO: I can’t?

GEO, SR: No, you can’t.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: You’ll end up living on the streets like poor people who drink all day.

GEO: The Irish?

GEO, SR.: No, poor people.

GEO & TITLE: But the Irish are poor people.

GEO, SR.: Look, son, you have to focus. (A poor couple enter; Geo, Sr. points to them) Do you want to end up like them?

GEO (taken aback): No!

(The Geos circle around the poor couple and then beat them and kick them off stage)

GEO: Thanks, Father. I feel better now.

GEO, SR.: That’s good. But, if you don’t clean up your act . . .

GEO, SR. & TITLE: You’re going to end up just like them.

GEO: Like them?

GEO, SR.: Like them.

GEO: Really?

GEO, SR.: Really.

GEO: Truly?

GEO, SR. & TITLE: How do you think they got that way?

GEO, SR.: Poor people don’t do anything but drink.

GEO: That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean . . .

GEO & TITLE: The evils of booze.

GEO, SR.: The evils of booze.

GEO: Evil booze.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Son, you have to get on your feet. You can come work for my oil company.

GEO: Great! Hey, I’m still not feeling so good.

GEO & TITLE: Can we beat up some more poor people?

(The middle-class couple re-enters)

GEO, SR.: Good idea. I think I see some there.

GEO & TITLE: I think those are middle-class people.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: Son, to us that is poor.

GEO: Great.

(The poor couple follows the middle-class couple and begs for money; the middle-class couple beats them up; the Geos applaud and then proceed to beat up the middle-class couple)

TITLE: Pow! Kablam! Whamm-o! Oof! Etc.!

(Geo, Sr. pushes the middle-class woman off stage while Geo continues to beat and slap the man; he finally stops)

SCENE NINE:

(Geo is finishing beating the man)

TITLE: In the mailroom at Geo, Sr.’s company.

GEO: Now get out of here. You’re fired.

EMPLOYEE & TITLE: You can’t fire me. You’re only a mail clerk. I quit!

GEO: I’m moving up. Get out.

(He kicks the man out as Geo, Sr. enters again; Geo, Sr. hands him a gun)

GEO, SR.: Good job, son.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: You’re promoted. Here’s a new big boy gun.

GEO: Thanks, Father.

TITLE: In Geo’s new office, in his new position.

(Geo, Sr. exits as Geo crosses to center and examines his new gun; a series of employees performing various office tasks enter and start to circle around him; as they do he aims and fires at each one, like ducks at a shooting gallery until all of them have been shot; each time he shoots one his father re-enters, puts a new, larger hat on him, hands him money, and says, “Good job, son;” the hats will have progressively more important job titles attached to them; after the last employee is shot, the employees all exit right and Geo, Sr. re-enters)

GEO, SR.: You’ve really moved up in the business, Geo.

GEO: I owe it all to you.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: I’m sure you know this is a family business. I can’t promote you again until you find a woman, quit the booze, pop out a few kids, and find the Lord.

GEO: Holy crap! How am I going to be able to do all that?

GEO, SR.: You’ve been around long enough. Don’t you know any nice girls?

GEO: There was one . . . but I don’t even know where she lives.

TITLE: Repeat above two lines.

(Geo, Sr. exits; Geo reaches to a piece of equipment and taps out Morse Code)

TITLE: · — — · · · · · — — · · · · · — — · · · ·

— — · — — — — · ·

· — — · — · — — — · · — — — · · · · · — · · — — · ·

GEO & TITLE: Oops, I pressed the wrong key. I meant to call for my new secretary.

(He presses the buttons again)

TITLE: — — · — · · · · · — · — · —

· — — · — — · · · — — — — · — — · · — —

— · — · — — — — — · · · · · · · — · · · — · — · —

· · — · · · — · · — · — — — — — · · — · — · — · —

MRS. WATSON (entering): You need me, sir?

GEO: Yes, yes I do.

MRS. WATSON: Coffee, tea, or me?

GEO: You, let’s go.

(He takes her hand and they exit left)

SCENE TEN:

TITLE: Meanwhile, at a country school house.

(Leo enters her classroom from right and crosses opposite; she puts wood in the wood burner and lights it, warming her hands; she moves over to a chalkboard and starts making notes as the first two students enter; Persephone takes a seat and Rowena puts an apple on the desk and then waits for Leo to see it; tired of waiting, she finally taps Leo on the shoulder to get her attention)

ROWENA (pointing to the apple) & TITLE: I brought an apple for you, Miss Leo.

LEO: Thank you, Rowena. It’s nicer than the one you gave me yesterday.

ROWENA & TITLE: I picked it myself, from my dad’s orchard trees.

LEO: Thank you, Rowena.

ROWENA: Do you like it?

LEO: Yes, Rowena, thank you.

ROWENA: Do you like it a lot?

LEO (pointing to a desk): You may sit down now, Rowena.

(Rowena sits and Leo turns back to the chalkboard; Herbert enters and crosses to her)

HERBERT: Good morning, Miss Leo.

LEO: Oh, good morning, Herbert.

HERBERT: I finished my homework, Miss Leo.

LEO: That’s a good boy, Herbert.

HERBERT & TITLE: Mumford and Bumford beat me up.

HERBERT: . . . and took my lunch.

LEO & TITLE: That’s okay. I brought lunch. I brought sandwiches.

(Everyone gets excited by the idea of Leo’s sandwiches)

HERBERT: I love your sandwiches.

LEO: That’s good, Herbert. (Pointing to a desk) Why don’t you sit down now?

PERSEPHONE & TITLE: Miss Leo makes the best sandwiches. She’s a good cook, in the kitchen.

(Leo takes out a watch and looks at it)

LEO: It’s time for lessons and . . .

LEO & TITLE: Mumford and Bumford are late.

ROWENA: They’re bad boys.

LEO: Yes, they’re bad. Does anyone know where they are?

HERBERT (raising his hand): I know, Miss Leo. They’re down by the gate smoking.

LEO: Well, that’s not a very good thing to do. They’ll have to be punished. (Mumford and Bumford enter) Mumford and Bumford, what have I told you about being on time? And what were you doing down by the gate?

TITLE: Wa-wa, wa-wa, wa-wa-wa-wa. Wa.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD & TITLE: Sorry, uh, Miss Leo, we uh, had to whitewash the fence.

(Leo starts talking so fast we can’t understand anything she is saying)

TITLE: Romans, Genesis, Acts, Deuteronomy, Matthew, Mark, Esther, Revelations.

LEO & TITLE: The moral is—don’t lie—Jesus will hate you.

LEO: Okay, now take your books out and work on reading chapter three. (She turns back to the chalkboard again; after a couple beats she turns back around) Okay, that’s it. Class is over.

LEO & TITLE: I have to go to my own class, now. I’m going to be a librarian!

ROWENA (giving Leo another apple): Goodbye, Miss Leo.

LEO: Thank you, Rowena. Goodbye. Goodbye, students.

(They start to exit; Mumford & Bumford start beating up Herbert on the way out)

STUDENTS: Goodbye, Miss Leo.

LEO: Remember to learn your lessons. Jesus loves you.

(They have all exited)

SCENE ELEVEN:

TITLE: Sometime later, at the local library.

(Leo turns and starts stacking books; she pushes a cart to center, where she stands behind a desk at the library; Maude enters and puts a couple books away and then crosses to her)

MAUDE & TITLE: Have you seen the new Western books that have come in? I don’t like the way they glorify the violence.

LEO: But the men are so heroic.

LEO & TITLE: Oh, the second edition dictionaries have arrived.

MAUDE: Bridged or unabridged?

LEO: Unabridged.

(They both giggle a bit; Stan enters)

STAN & TITLE: Hi, girls. Say, I was just reading about Sodom in the Bible. It sounds like quite the place to visit.

MAUDE & TITLE: Get thee behind me, Stan.

(Mumford and Bumford enter)

BUMFORD & TITLE: So then he said, I didn’t know it was a donkey.

(Both librarians looks up and glare)

LEO & MAUDE: Sssshhhh!!

MUMFORD: Hey, isn’t that Miss Leo?

LEO & MAUDE: Ssshhh!

BUMFORD: Yeah.

MUMFORD: So you did become a librarian.

LEO: Well, if it isn’t Mumford and Bumford.

STAN (cutting in, after eyeing them): May I help you boys?

MUMFORD: No.

(Stan walks away but still keeps his eyes on them)

BUMFORD: Miss Leo, where’s the science books?

(She points to the corner; a couple of women enter and cross to the counter as the boys cross to the library books)

1^st LESBIAN: We’re looking for books by women.

2^nd LESBIAN: Do you have any Sappho?

LEO (pointing down center): Poetry and Classics are over there.

(They cross away as a man enters and steps up to the counter)

MAN: I’m looking for Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Do you have it?

LEO (pointing down right): Horror is over there.

(Man crosses away as Geo enters)

GEO (looking around) & TITLE: What the hell’s with all the books?

BUMFORD: Should we just copy everything we see?

GEO: Let me see now.

GEO & TITLE: Jesus, oil, wife . . . where am I going to fine everything?

MAUDE: The atlases are over this way. Follow me.

(She grabs his shirt and drags him along behind her as she crosses right; she puts her finger to her lips to silence the man even though he isn’t talking; as she is crossing Mumford and Bumford get up and cross to Stan; they beat on him, chasing him off, then return to their seats)

GEO: I can’t believe all the books.

MAUDE & TITLE: It’s a library. Here’s an atlas. You can find anyplace here.

GEO: Thanks.

MAUDE: Here’s where we are, this is east and this is west. MAUDE & TITLE: That’s north, but we don’t like it.

GEO & TITLE: You mean there’s more than just home? There’s other things in the world?

MAUDE: Yes.

MAN: Miss, Miss, I need your help.

MAUDE (to Geo): Excuse me.

(She goes to the help the man; she leads him out the door to the upstairs area; Geo is still looking for help, so he crosses to the reference desk)

LEO (looking up): May I help you?

GEO: I’m looking for some books.

LEO: What kind? There are many.

GEO: Oh, I don’t know. Book s on oil, Jesus, women, you know, that kind of thing.

LEO & TITLE: On oil in general, or something like petroleum, religion in general, or the Bible? What do you need?

GEO (crossing to other side of desk): I don’t know. It’s confusing in here.

(The lesbian couple leaves; when they get to the door Mumford & Bumford follow them)

LEO: Why do you want these books?

GEO & TITLE: My father says I have to turn my life around.

LEO: Oh, well, that’s good.

GEO & TITLE: I have to appease him.

LEO: Oh.

GEO (sensing her disappointment): But I want to anyway.

LEO: Oh, good. Well, the section you want is . . .

GEO: Do I know you?

LEO: I don’t think so.

GEO: I think I do.

LEO: I’m not . . .

GEO & TITLE: Didn’t I pass out on you once?

LEO: I think I would remember that.

GEO: I mean on you. At drills. For the soldiers.

LEO: Oh, that. Yes, I see.

(She turns away)

GEO & TITLE: I’ve thought about you often. I never forgave myself for that day. It’s one of the reasons I want to quit drinking . . .

GEO & TITLE: . . . and live the life my father wants me to live.

(Pause while they look at each other and the music starts to swell)

LEO: Really?

GEO: Well, I guess I need some books.

LEO: I know about a lot of things. I could tutor you.

GEO & TITLE: If tutor means help, that would be great.

LEO: We could study here. After closing.

GEO: That sounds good.

LEO & TITLE: I could make sandwiches.

GEO & TITLE: I love sandwiches.

LEO: Shall we say 7:00? (He nods)

LEO & TITLE: You know, I never got your name. I’m Leo.

GEO: I’m Geo, Miss.

LEO (noticing his gun for the first time): Is that a gun in your pocket . . .

SCENE TWELVE:

(They take each other’s hands and then move into a waltz; two other couples enter opposite, also waltzing; all three couples seat themselves; a waiter enters)

TITLE: Days later, at a restaurant.

WAITER: Good evening, lady and gentleman, welcome to Chez Fish.

BEO: Nice restaurant.

1^ST MALE DINER: Thank you.

GEO, 1^ST FEMALE DINER & TITLE: This is a great place for a first date.

WAITER: What would you like to drink?

GEO: I quit drinking.

1^ST MALE DINER: Nothing.

BEO & 1^ST FEMALE DINER: That’s nice.

WAITER: I’ll be back for your orders. (He steps over to second table) And what would you like?

BEO: What’s good here?

GEO & 2^ND MALE DINER: I don’t know.

WAITER: I’d suggest something with meat.

2^ND FEMALE DINER: We’ll have the steak special.

BEO: Steak is always safe.

WAITER (crossing to them): Do you know what you’d like?

GEO: What are your specials?

WAITER & TITLE: The Texas beef is good. (Beo looks admiringly at Geo) We also have a nice house salad in oil.

BEO (looking at Geo): I like oil.

GEO: I do, too.

WAITER: And a nice sandwich appetizer.

BEO: Who would have thought?

GEO: Not I.

TITLE: Beo: Who would have thought?

Geo: Not I.

WAITER: Would you like something to drink?

(Geo starts to respond, but Beo interrupts him)

BEO: Thank you, no. We don’t drink.

WAITER: I’ll be right back.

BEO & TITLE: We should say a prayer of blessing now.

(They bow their heads in prayer as the waiter crosses away; a manager enters opposite and stops the waiter at center to talk; the manager suddenly becomes Jesus on a cross, the waiter becomes a preacher, and all the patrons become churchgoers)

TITLE: At Leo’s church.

PREACHER: Raise your heads and hands, hallelujah!

PREACHER & TITLE: Praise the Lord who stands behind me!

CHURCH MEMBERS: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

PREACHER: You may be seated. Brothers and sisters, we have a new member. His name is Geo.

CHURCH MEMBERS: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

PREACHER & TITLE: He is here to be baptized in Christ!

CHURCH MEMBERS: Hallelujah! Halelujah!

PREACHER: Come up here, Brother Geo.

(Geo crosses to the Preacher; Beo steps up and stands off to the side during the baptism; a helper enters with a can of oil and pours into a font next to the Preacher)

CHURCH MEMBER: Oh, yeah, praise the Lord!

PREACHER & TITLE: Brother Geo, do you accept the Lord Jesus as your Savior?

GEO: Yes, yes, I do.

CHURCH MEMBERS: Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!

PREACHER (as he dips Geo’s head in the font) & TITLE: Here is to freedom, here is to jail. Boy, you best be careful or you’ll go to hell.

CHURCH MEMBERS: Hallelujah!

PREACHER: Go, and take the spirit with you.

CHURCH MEMBERS: Praise the Lord, Amen.

(Preacher steps to the side and Christ climbs down to become a minister; The Eos are now bridge and groom; church members are now wedding guests)

MINISTER: Do you, Leo, take Geo as your husband, in sickness and in health, in richness and in wealth, til death do you part?

TITLE: Leo, Geo, sickness, health, richness, wealth, til death do you part.

LEO: I do.

MINISTER & TITLE: And do you, Geo, for all the same reasons?

GEO: I do.

MINISTER: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

(They kiss and everyone cheers; Geo takes out his gun and starts firing; Leo tosses her bouquet and a couple women try to catch it; a man steps forward to speak to Geo)

WEDDING GUEST & TITLE: Son, I have just one word for you. One word.

GEO: What?

WEDDING GUEST: Do you want to hear it?

GEO: I guess.

WEDDING GUEST: Plastics.

GEO: Huh?

WEDDING GUEST & TITLE: The future, it’s in plastics.

GEO: Plastics?

WEDDING GUEST: It’s in the future.

GEO: I don’t . . . huh?

WEDDING GUEST & TITLE: Petroleum.

GEO: Pet . . . what?

WEDDING GUEST: Oil!

GEO & TITLE: Oil! Yes, I need more.

2^ND WEDDING GUEST & TITLE: Go east, young man.

GEO: East, east. We’re going east.

(Geo and the guests exit; three guests stop and become the players in the next scene)

INTERMISSION:

TITLE: Reel change.

SCENE THIRTEEN:

TITLE: Sheriff Sam Scud’s office, somewhere in the east.

(Sheriff Sam Scud is directing Mumford and Bumford; they are hand-pumping oil)

BUMFORD: And then she said . . .

SHERIFF: Faster, faster! Come on, you two, time’s a-wastin’. (They pump faster) More, more. I want more oil.

(Clem comes to the door)

CLEM & TITLE: Sheriff Scud, I got some important news for ya.

SHERIFF: What?

CLEM: Did y’all hear who done got hitched?

SHERIFF & TITLE: No, who just got hitched?

CLEM: Remember that evil man, Geo, Sr.?

SHERIFF: Of course I do.

CLEM: Well, his son, Geo, Jr., just got hitched . . .

CLEM & TITLE: To a librarian. Used to be a school teacher. Makes a mean sandwich.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD (overhearing): Miss Leo!

BUMFORD: I always hated her.

(Clem steps out)

MUMFORD: She said Jesus would hate us.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Well, Jesus will hate ya, and Allah, and Buddha, if you don’t git to work and pump that oil.

(Clem pops back in)

CLEM & TITLE: Oh, I heard Geo was headin’ east.

SHERIFF: East?

CLEM: East.

SHERIFF: East!?!

CLEM: East.

SHERIFF: East!!!

MUMFORD & BUMFORD (trying to figure it out): East . . .

(Sheriff crosses over to Mumford and Bumford as Clem exits again; they are passing a bottle back and forth)

SHERIFF: Put a cap on it, boys! You know . . .

SHERIFF & TITLE: Geo, Sr., stole my rightful land and that ain’t right.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Right!

SHERIFF & TITLE: We got to formulate a plan.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Darn tootin’!

SHERIFF: You understand?

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Yup.

SHERIFF: You know who Geo, Sr. is, right?

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Nope.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Come and listen to my story ‘bout a man named Geo.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: We like stories. Sure ‘nuff.

(They sit down to listen)

TITLE: In the east, in the past.

SHERIFF & TITLE (As this progresses toward a flashback, the words on this title should keep getting smaller and smaller until they can no longer be read): Well, it’s like this. I owned most of this territory and at one point I owned a whole lotta territory nearby, too. But Geo, Sr. didn’t think I should have it all, so he and a posse come gunnin’ for me, to take away some of my newest land. Now I earned that land, and it was mine, but it had oil like this land does, so they wanted it and they said it wasn’t mine. They came in and stole it, but I defended it all and showed them all who was boss of this here territory . . .

CLEM: Sheriff Sam!

KADIDDLEHOPPER: Sheriff Scud!

CLEM & TITLE: That guy Geo is headin’ this-a-way.

KADIDDLEHOPPER: Yeah, he shot me in the butt. (Turning around) See?

SHERIFF: I don’t need to see, thanks.

CLEM: He’s comin’ this way.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Geo, Sr., you can come this way but it ain’t your land.

SHERIFF: It’s my land.

KADIDDLEHOPPER: This land is your land!

SHERIFF: This land is my land!

TITLE: This land is your land.

This land is my land.

GEO, SR. (entering with his men and firing wildly at random): That’s a lie!

GEO, SR. & TITLE: This land belongs to the people who live here.

POSSE MEMBER: And we’re here to help them.

SHERIFF: You can’t take the land.

GEO, SR.: Of course I can.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: I’ve got the bigger gun.

(Sheriff slaps him)

SHERIFF: I challenge you to a duel.

GEO, SR. & TITLE: A duel? We’ve already taken the land back.

SHERIFF: A duel, ‘cause I ain’t afraid of you.

(They stand back to back)

POSSE GAL: Go!

(They start pacing off ten steps; Geo, Sr. gathers his men and leaves; Sheriff Scud’s men defect and join Geo, Sr. as he exits)

KADIDDLEHOPPER: Can I join you?

(They have all exited; Sheriff Scud turns around to fire and nobody is there; he turns back to Mumford & Bumford)

SHERIFF & TITLE: He stole the land, but he ran away when I challenged him. His son will do the same.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD (not fully convinced): Right!

SHERIFF: Now, where the hell did my hired guns go?

MUMFORD: South?

BUMFORD: West?

MUMFORD (pointing off left): That way!

BUMFORD (pointing off left): That way!

SHERIFF: That way!

(Sheriff pushes the two out of the way and exits; they follow)

SCENE FOURTEEN:

TITLE: A town in the near west.

(Geo & Leo enter right and stop)

GEO & TITLE: Well, here we are in a new town, a lot further east.

LEO: It’s a nice town.

GEO: But it’s not far enough. There’s more oil and land the further east we go.

LEO: There seems to be lots of oil here, too.

GEO & TITLE: Once we’re done getting oil here we can go farther east and get more.

LEO: Yes, but for now I’ll unpack and make sandwiches.

GEO: I love sandwiches.

(They cock their heads as they hear a knocking at the door)

LEO: Who is it?

GEO: Come on in. The door’s open.

(A couple and a steer enter and stops inside the doorway)

BUD: Howdy, new neighbors. My name is Bud. I live right down the street. And this is my steer, Angus.

ANGUS: Moo.

TITLE: The cow says, “Moo.”

BUD: And my wife, Myrtle.

GEO & LEO: Hi, hello, how are you’s, etc.

MYRTLE & TITLE: We’re the Welcome Wagon.

BUD: So welcome to our little town.

LEO: Thank you. We’re so glad we’re here.

MYRTLE (handing them a pie): I brought you a pie.

BUD (handing them a glass): And some milk from Angus’ gal.

MYRTLE: It’s all we have.

BUD (showing his empty pockets): You see, we’re poor.

(Geo pulls his arm back as if about to punch Bud, but Leo touches his arm to stop him; they look at each other for just a moment, then he turns back to Bud)

GEO: Normally, this is the point where I’d beat the hell out of you, because I hate poor people. But . . .

GEO & TITLE: Do you want to earn some money? What do you know of the territory here and to the east.

BUD: Nothin’ much. There’s a lot of that black stuff that comes out of the ground.

MYRTLE: It’s poor here. And lawless.

BUD: We need a sheriff.

GEO & TITLE: Here’s my offer. I’ll sheriff for you. I’ll get the oil out of the ground. It doesn’t really pay, but you can work for me as spies, and I won’t hurt you. Deal?

BUD: First I have to talk to my cow and my wife.

MYRTLE: What do we get out of this?

GEO: You avoid this.

(He punches Bud in the gut)

MYRTLE: Okay, we’ll take it.

GEO: All right, get out of my house. Poor people, ugh.

LEO: They seemed nice enough.

GEO: I think we’re going to be just fine now. Let’s have some of that delicious pie.

(They turn and cross toward the window to get the pie; as they look out they see the barn is on fire)

LEO: Oh, no!

GEO: The barn is on fire!

(They scream for a moment, and then rush off left; Sheriff Scud’s two hired guns enter and cross from left to right; Sheriff Scud, Mumford & Bumford enter from left)

TITLE: Back at Sheriff Scud’s office.

SHERIFF: Well, it’s about time you two showed up. What’s happening on the other side?

DUMFORD & TITLE: Well, we burned their barn down.

DUMFORD: I burned my hand.

DOUBLE AGENT & TITLE: And Geo’s moving further east.

SHERIFF: East?

DUMFORD & DOUBLE AGENT: East.

SHERIFF: East!?!

DUMFORD: Opposite of west.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD (trying to figure it out): East?

SHERIFF: Drats. You know what this means.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Nope.

SHERIFF & TITLE: We gotta do something, and fast.

SHERIFF: I gotta think of something.

MUMFORD: We need weapons.

SHERIFF: Wait, let me think. (Pause)

SHERIFF & TITLE: We need weapons.

DUMFORD: Good idea, boss.

SHERIFF: Yeah, I know.

BUMFORD: We should stockpile.

SHERIFF: Shut up and let me think. (Pause)

SHERIFF & TITLE: We should stockpile.

DUMFORD: Great idea, boss. You’re brilliant.

SHERIFF: Ain’t I, though?

DOUBLE AGENT: What now, Sheriff?

SHERIFF (to Dumford) & TITLE: You, go to the quarry and get some rocks. (He exits; to Double Agent) You, go to the railroad yard and steal some dynamite. (She exits; to Bumford) You, go talk to the Injuns and see if you can trade something for weapons. (He exits; to Mumford) And you, go get me a sandwich.

MUMFORD: Yes, sir.

(He exits)

SHERIFF & TITLE (to self): That darn Geo and his people have been trying to destroy me for years. I won’t let it happen.

(Mumford enters with a sandwich and hands it to the Sheriff)

SHERIFF: What kind of a sandwich is this?

MUMFORD & TITLE: Liverwurst.

SHERIFF: Liverwurst!

(Bumford enters)

SHERIFF & TITLE: I wanted a hero.

BUMFORD: I got a dreamcatcher.

DUMFORD (entering): I got a rock.

(Double Agent enters)

DOUBLE AGENT & TITLE: I got me some bad news. I got some dynamite, but the fuse got lit and blew up our whole stockpile. Everything was lost.

SHERIFF: Geo, Jr.!

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Son of a biscuit!

SHERIFF: You can say that again.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Son of a biscuit!

SHERIFF: Shut up! That scoundrel done retaliated against us. We have to get back at him.

SHERIFF (to Dumford & Double Agent) & TITLE: You two, go back west and destroy more of Geo, Jr.’s stuff.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Do unto them what they done unto us.

SHERIFF (to Bumford): You, go get us some more weapons. (To Mumford) You, go to the deli and get me a decent sandwich. Me, I’m gonna go see the old lady for a while.

(They all exit; Geo and Leo enter opposite)

TITLE: Back in the west, closer to the border.

LEO: This town seems even nicer than the last one.

GEO: Yes, it does.

LEO: It has more money and oil.

GEO: It sure does.

LEO & TITLE: I’m proud of you, going from Deputy in the last town to Sheriff in this town. It couldn’t get any better.

GEO & TITLE: But there’s more to do. There’s more oil and territory east of here. There are people on that oil-rich land who need our help.

LEO: Dear, your plan is working so well

GEO & TITLE: Everyone knows it’s really your plan, and Father’s.

LEO: No, it’s really God’s plan.

(Myrtle and Bud rush in excitedly)

BUD: Sheriff!

LEO: Oh, hello, Myrtle and Bud. How are you today?

MYRTLE: Oh, fine, fine. And you?

GEO: We’re doing well.

LEO & TITLE: Are you settling in okay? Thanks for moving east with us.

MYRTLE: Fine, fine. The place is smaller, but we like it. Oh, I made you some tarts.

GEO (taking the tarts): Thank you. That’s very nice.

LEO: Your tarts are so good. Geo likes all the work you’ve been doing.

MYRTLE: Well, we want to keep Geo happy, don’t we dear?

BUD: Yep, yep we do.

LEO: Well, anyway it’s a nice town, with a nice town hall and all.

BUD: Wasn’t there something . . .

MYRTLE: We came here for . . .

BUD (realizing) & TITLE: Oh, yeah, the town hall’s on fire!

MYRTLE & BUD: It’s burning like crazy, the block may burn down; it’s a big fire, etc.

MYRTLE: And they got Angus, too.

LEO: Not Angus! He’s just a cow!

GEO: Do you know what happened?

BUD: I don’t know, but it’s burning pretty bad.

GEO: Well, go. Put it out!

BUD: Okay.

MYRTLE: See you later.

GEO: Yes, yes, go poor people. Out of the house now.

BOTH: Bye-bye

(They exit)

GEO & TITLE: This has gone too far. First, our barn. Then, the town hall. And they got Angus.

LEO: Who could have done this?

GEO: I wonder if . . .

LEO: Could it be . . .

GEO: Damn, it couldn’t be . . .

BOTH & TITLE: Sam Scud!

DOUBLE AGENT (entering) & TITLE: Sir, I have good news and bad news. We blew up their entire ammo stockpile.

GEO: And what’s the bad news?

LEO: You know they’re going to get more weapons.

DOUBLE AGENT: One of Sheriff Scud’s men set your town hall on fire.

GEO: I knew it was him! We gotta do something.

GEO & TITLE: We gotta get even. (He stops to think)

GEO & TITLE: Aha!

(Pause)

GEO & TITLE: No, that’s a recipe.

DOUBLE AGENT: We could cut off their food and supplies. Blow up their railroad tracks.

GEO: Shhh, I’m trying to think.

GEO & TITLE: We could cut off their food and supplies. Blow up their railroad tracks.

LEO: Great idea.

GEO: Honey, pack your bags, we’re moving east again.

LEO: I’ll make sandwiches.

(They exit; Dumford enters and crosses opposite; Sheriff Scud, Mumford & Bumford enter)

TITLE: Back in the east, at Sam Scud’s.

SHERIFF: Well?

DUMFORD & TITLE: Good news, boss. I burned down their town hall and even managed to get one of their cows.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Darn! We could use that. Our supplies are late and the people are gittin’ hungry.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD (as they enter): They blew up the railroad tracks.

SHERIFF: What?

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: They blew up the tracks.

SHERIFF & TITLE: They blew up the train tracks?

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Yep.

SHERIFF (turning to Dumford) & TITLE: By the way, where’s your partner?

DUMFORD: I don’t know.

MUMFORD: Maybe she blew up the tracks.

SHERIFF: Nah, it couldn’t be. (Pause) Maybe she blew up the tracks.

DUMFORD: You’re smart, boss.

SHERIFF & TITLE: Now, let me get this straight. Our supplies are late, there’s no food, your partner is missing, and the tracks have been blown up.

MUMFORD & BUMFORD: Yep.

SHERIFF: Something ain’t fittin’ here. What are we gonna do?

MUMFORD: We could re . . . re . . . retal . . . re . . .

BUMFORD: Get even.

SHERIFF: Yes, but what can we do?

MUMFORD & TITLE: We need supplies.

SHERIFF: That’s the best idea you’ve had all week. But where?

DUMFORD & TITLE: They have lots of supplies. A whole caravan of them headed east. Too bad it wasn’t our stuff.

MUMFORD: We could steal it.

SHERIFF: That’s the second best idea you’ve had all week.

MUMFORD: Bumford helped.

BUMFORD: Must’ve been my dreamcatcher.

SHERIFF & TITLE: All right, boys. Let’s go plan how to attack that caravan.

(They exit; Geo enters opposite, in a rage)

TITLE: Back in the west. At Geo’s office. Near the border.

GEO & TITLE: They took all our supplies. Grr! Agh! Grumble!, etc. This small-time stuff isn’t working any more. We have to think bigger.

(He crosses to telegraph to try to send a message but can’t get it to work)

GEO: It’s not working! Nothing’s working! Mrs. Watson! Mrs. Watson!

MRS. WATSON (as she enters): You want me, sir?

GEO: Yes, but first I need you to telegraph for . . .

GEO & TITLE: More supplies.

(She nods)

MRS. WATSON: By the way, I heard

MRS. WATSON & TITLE: He’s letting killers and murderers out of jail to become part of his posse.

GEO: Damn it! What should I do? What should I do? I can’t think!

(Leo enters)

LEO: Honey, calm down. You need to eat. I brought you sandwiches.

GEO (calming): I love sandwiches.

LEO (handing him one): Here, eat.

GEO & TITLE: But I don’t know what to do about Sam Scud. He’s in my way.

LEO & TITLE: You need to spread the word, tell people how evil he is.

(Sheriff Scud and his men enter opposite)

TITLE: Meanwhile, in the east.

SHERIFF: Boys, he’s gone too far.

GEO: You’re right. Enough’s enough.

SHERIFF & TITLE: He’s gone too far, trying to take our land and oil. We need to stop him. We need to do something bigger.

TITLE: And the west. East, west, etc.

(Myrtle enters)

MYRTLE & TITLE: Hi, I couldn’t help overhearing. I was eavesdropping.

GEO: And?

MYRTLE & TITLE: He took my grandpappy’s land and oil away. Tell people stories like that.

GEO: I will.

MYRTLE, DUMFORD & TITLE: God is on our side.

SHERIFF & TITLE: They claim it’s their land, but they’re thieves. We’re not going to let them do to us what they’ve done to everyone else.

MUMFORD, BUMFORD, & DUMFORD: Right!

BUD: Hey, Chief, I got everything together.

BUD & TITLE: The people and the cannons are ready to go!

GEO: Excellent.

DUMFORD & TITLE: Boss, the posse’s ready to go.

SHERIFF: Great. Let’s load ‘em up and get ‘em ready.

GEO, SHERIFF & TITLE: Round up, we’re headin’ out!

(Everyone on both sides screams and yells in excitement)

GEO (turning center): We’re gonna kill him. I hate that guy.

SHERIFF (turning center): We’re gonna pulverize that guy.

GEO (turning to Sheriff) & TITLE: I’ll ground his bones and make bread out of him!

SHERIFF (turning to Geo) & TITLE: I’ll barbecue his brains on a small spit!

GEO: This is not your land.

SHERIFF: Get off of our land.

GEO: We’ll shoot you all.

SHERIFF: We’ll shoot you first.

GEO: We’ll salt your land.

SHERIFF: We’ll burn your fields.

GEO: We’ll burn your oil.

SHERIFF: We’ll burn your people.

GEO & TITLE: Our guns are bigger!

SHERIFF & TITLE: Our guns are better!

GEO: We’re faster.

SHERIFF: We’re smarter.

GEO: We’ll kill.

SHERIFF: You’ll die.

GEO: Attack!

SHERIFF: Destroy!

GEO: Pillage!

SHERIFF: Carnage!

GEO: Maim!

SHERIFF: Rape!

GEO: Kill!

SHERIFF: Blood!

GEO & HIS MEN: Kill!!

SHERIFF & HIS MEN: Blood!!

GEO & HIS MEN: KILL!!

SHERIFF & HIS MEN: BLOOD!!

GEO & HIS MEN: KILL!!!!

SHERIFF & HIS MEN: BLOOD!!!!

TITLE: We’ll kill.

You’ll die.

Attack!

Destroy!

Pillage!

Carnage!

Maim!

Rape!

Kill!

Blood!

Kill!

Blood!

Kill!

Blood!

(All the combatants scream like crazy, then freeze; on the screen a piece of film burns; the sound of a piece of film at the end of its reel is heard on the projector; lights go to black)