OutReach
Presentation
on Same Sex Domestic Violence
prepared by
Callen Harty
Direct Services Coordinator,
OutReach, Madison, WI
presented at PrideFest,
Milwaukee, WI,
Saturday, August 29, 1998
Imagine that you are gay or lesbian. Imagine that you are in a committed relationship. That this relationship has lasted for a number of years already. That you are so in love with your partner that you would do anything for her or him. Imagine also that you are in the closet, terrified of your family, friends, and co-workers finding out that you are gay. Now imagine that one day, coming home drunk or just plain ornery, your partner gets so angry that they hit you. Not once. Or twice. But a number of times, until you run out of the room or they realize what they are doing and stop.
Try to use your imagination a little more. Given your circumstances, what can you do? Call the police, where your complaint will be a matter of public record? Your mother, who is still waiting for you to bring a future spouse home for her to meet? Who do you turn to when this kind of violence happens? For those who are in the closet their choices are limited. Perhaps they have a few very close gay friends. Perhaps they have no one--not one person--to whom they can turn. Perhaps the only person they ever talk to deeply about anything is the person who just hit them. Where do they turn then?
The unfortunate likelihood is that the victim of same-sex domestic violence will turn to no one, whether the situation is as extreme as just described, much less desperate, or even worse. Too often the police aren’t trusted to be compassionate about same-sex domestic violence. Too often the victim somehow blames her or himself for what occurred. Too often a quick apology and a promise that it will never happen again are readily accepted. Too often the first instance of abuse is the beginning of a descent into a hell from which it feels there is no escape. Too often the victim does not escape and the pattern of abuse continues to get progressively worse.
These are the types of things that occur in abusive relationships and that we are coming to realize occur just as often in same-sex relationships as in straight ones. If you can imagine these things, then perhaps you can identify with the feelings of the lesbian who wrote the following poem, called ESCAPE. The author identifies herself only as b, in the lower case. This was written in 1994 and published by Tucson United Against Violence in 1995.
ESCAPE
i imagine myself
curled in a soft womb
greeted by warm sun kissing my skin
rocked in gentle, fleshy arms
using that voucher
to buy freedom from hard feet kicking my belly
shattering this blue black darkness with sunlight
hammering through this stale, cold air
to fly away
from her tight fists banging my face
her sharp tongue lashing my heart
her stiff fingers jabbing between my legs
to Australia.
These are the kinds of raw emotions that victims of domestic violence may feel, feelings of pain, emotional hurt, and betrayal. In same-sex relationships, domestic violence may foster an even greater sense of betrayal, as there has been so little recognition of it as a possibility, so little willingness to admit that someone of our own gender, so much like us, could be so abusive. But not only is it possible, it is real.
According to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, gays and lesbians are more likely to be victims of domestic violence than anti-gay violence. Think about that. There is a greater likelihood of being hit by someone you love than by someone who hates you. That is a shocking and disturbing fact. It does not mean that every relationship, or even most, become abusive, but it does make it clear that same-sex domestic violence is a problem that we as a community cannot ignore. David Island and Patrick Letellier, authors of Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them, assert that gay men’s domestic violence is the third largest health problem facing gay men today, behind substance abuse and AIDS. Their statistics show that lesbians are equally affected.
In October of 1997, the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs released a report showing that the number of lesbian and gay victims of domestic abuse is the same as in the general population. It is also about at the same level in either gay or lesbian relationships. This means that between a third and a quarter of both the lesbian and gay population could be experiencing domestic violence. The numbers were based on a 10-year study conducted in 10 cities nationwide, and do not represent the country as a whole. Completely accurate statistics are virtually impossible to get due to unreported cases, even in the places being studied. However, in 1995 alone, the Coalition reported 1,566 incidents of same-sex domestic violence just in their study cities. In 1996, those numbers were up to a reported 2,352 incidents, about a 50% increase in those same cities. It may be that with increased publicity more cases are being reported. It is certain that the number of gay and lesbian cases is higher than previously thought. Seven states, in fact, have laws that specifically exclude same-sex partner attacks from being classified as domestic violence. Further, it is already well known and documented that domestic violence of all types often goes unreported.
Jerri Lynn Fields of Horizons’ Anti-Violence Project in Chicago concurs with this when she says, “The actual magnitude of the problem is much greater since most domestic violence in our communities goes unreported.” The first step in coming to grips with the problem as a community is to recognize that same-sex domestic violence exists. Only then can we start to figure out how to solve the problem. Once the community starts to recognize and talk about the problem, resulting in greater awareness among all of us, individuals can start to recognize the patterns of abuse in their own lives. The first step for an individual in getting help is also to accept that the problem is real. But first they have to be able to define the problem for themselves.
Regardless of whether a person is gay or lesbian, queer or straight, there are patterns in abusive relationships that may help determine whether someone is in danger or potential danger. In Dane County, Wisconsin the Same-Sex Domestic Violence subcommittee of the Coordinated Community Response to Domestic Violence has put together a brochure identifying some of the possible signs of an abusive relationship. The following questions can help identify abuse or potential abuse in a relationship. A “yes” answer to some or all of the questions may indicate an unhealthy or abusive relationship. At the very least, the issue should be explored a little further. Answer “yes” or “no” to each of the following questions.
Does your partner make you feel guilty about or prevent you from seeing friends and family? Does your partner call you names, put you down or embarrass you in front of others? Does your partner discount your feelings? Do they try to make you feel irrational? Do you need to get permission from your partner to do things or go places? Does your partner check up on you? Does your partner threaten to “out” you? Do you feel like you can’t spend your money in ways that you like? Does your partner make all the financial decisions? Does your partner spend all of your money? Does your partner ever destroy or threaten to destroy your property or personal belongings? Does your partner ever make threats to hurt you or kill you, your family, friends, your pets or themselves? Do they threaten to harm or take your children? Does your partner ever pressure or force you to have sex against your will? To participate in sexual acts against your will? Has your partner ever raped you? Has your partner ever pushed, shoved, slapped, kicked, bit or punched you? Have they ever pulled your hair? Used a weapon against you? After an abusive incident, does your partner blame you for what happened? Does your partner minimize or deny the abuse?
These are some questions you can ask yourself about your relationship. It is not necessarily an exhaustive list, but a good starting point. Notice that not all of the questions actually have to do with physical violence. Abuse can take the form of physical, sexual, or emotional violence. Keeping you isolated from family and friends, putting you down, or dismissing your emotions can be controlling mechanisms that make you powerless, or at least give you less power, against the perpetrator. If your emotional worth is dismissed and if you come to believe that you are a worthless or undeserving person, then you may also come to believe that you somehow deserve the pain that is inflicted on you, physical or otherwise. Consciously or not, this is the perpetrator’s effect when they do things such as put you down in front of others or prevent you from being with other loved ones. It gives them control and power over you. That kind of control can be the first step in a pattern that culminates in physical violence. An article in the San Francisco Examiner notes that in studies of abusive lesbian relationships, “batterers tend to be overly dependent, using violence to squelch their partners’ independence, and that alcohol and drugs often figure into the abuse.”
Domestic violence also tends to happen in stages and be cyclical. Things may seem calm, but for one reason or another there is tension building in the perpetrator. This is then followed by an assault. Afterwards, there is often a calm and even loving period of apology and forgiveness, referred to as the Honeymoon Phase, which can lull the battered partner into believing that everything is okay again, that nothing was actually meant by it, and that the assaultive behavior will not be repeated in the future. In actuality, it will likely not only recur, but escalate.
The Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Arkansas has published their own list of common signs to look for in a battering personality, some of which duplicate the ones previously mentioned. Exhibiting some of these behaviors does not necessarily mean that a person is a batterer, though they could be. It may simply mean there is a greater potential for abusive behavior, especially the more signs they exhibit. These include jealousy, controlling behavior, quick involvement in the relationship, unrealistic expectations, isolation, blaming others for problems or feelings, hypersensitivity, cruelty to animals or children, use of force in sex (even in a supposedly playful way), verbal abuse, rigid sex roles, sudden mood swings or explosiveness, past battering, threats, breaking or striking objects, and any force during an argument. A person who exhibits a number of these behaviors may be a dangerous pick for a potential partner.
If you are the abuser and recognize your own behavior patterns in these things, then it is as important for you to look for help as if you were the one being abused. Tucson United Against Domestic Violence suggests the following for abusers. Understand that you are not alone and that you can and should get help. Your abusive behavior is damaging and dangerous and will destroy your partner’s well being and self-esteem and eventually your relationship. You may be committing criminal acts for which you could be charged. In their paper, Lesbian and Gay Domestic Violence: A Resource, they encourage the abuser to seek help by saying, “You can communicate your needs, express your feelings, resolve conflict, and maintain a sense of control in your life through non-violent means. There are always alternatives to abuse and violence. Become a non-violent choicemaker. Only you can stop the abuse and violence. Break out of your isolation. Tell someone you trust about your abusive and violent behavior.
“There is support for you to make the changes needed to live without violence. Be willing to go to any lengths to stop all abusive and violent behaviors. Become a safe person to love.”
The following are quotes from same-sex domestic violence perpetrators who took the initiative to admit the problem and seek help. Referring to therapy, T. G. simply and eloquently stated, “Although my shame and pain temporarily increased I had to realize that my choice of behavior threatened someone else’s life and well-being. I was dangerous to someone I loved.” And Chuck, another perpetrator who went through therapy said, “I had to learn that anger is a feeling and that hostile aggression, violence, is only one way to express that anger. I had to face that I inflicted horrible pain on someone I love and that violence is a personal choice. Learning new ways to show and communicate all of my feelings without abuse or violence and empowering myself without taking power away from someone else have become my lifelong tasks.”
Both of these men admitted that they were hurting the person they loved and they knew they didn’t want to do so. While in the process of therapy or perhaps prior to getting to that point, perpetrators who recognize their dangerous behavior patterns can do things themselves to help prevent violent incidents from occurring by making a plan when they see the cycle playing itself out. A simple choice is to leave until you have calmed down. Talk to yourself about the choices you can make. Stay away as long as necessary in order to keep the abuse from occurring. Have someone available to call on for support. Call the local domestic abuse agency or a crisis line and explain the situation and that you are making an effort to avoid violent behavior. Stay on the line with them as long as necessary. Do something physical, such as jogging, biking or exercising.
Ideally physical, sexual, or emotional abuse would never happen to any of us. Unfortunately, abuse, even sexual abuse, can and does occur in relationships. Nobody deserves to be abused, and nobody should be left without resources if abuse does occur. According to the Dane County Rape Crisis Center, which provides gay and lesbian services for victims of sexual abuse, any unwanted sexual contact is considered sexual assault and is against the law. There has been a historical tendency to ignore the possibility of male/male or female/female sexual assault, but it does happen. Sexual assault crosses all lines and can happen to anyone. It can also occur within domestic partnerships, both straight and gay. Kerry Lobel, author of the ground-breaking 1986 book, Naming the Violence: Speaking Out Against Lesbian Battering, was quoted by the Washington Blade in February of 1997 as saying, “People are still very reluctant to believe that it happens in our community or that it can happen to them. To admit that violence is being perpetrated means our community is not the safe haven we think it to be.” She was correct in this assessment. The number of books and articles about the issue is still fairly limited, and much of what is being reported or talked about is at the grass roots level in the form of brochures and pamphlets from concerned organizations. It has even only been within the last few years that it’s been acknowledged that people can be raped or assaulted by their own partners in straight relationships, let alone in gay or lesbian ones. Same-sex partners can and do rape or sexually assault their own lovers. Don’t forget--any unwanted sexual contact is considered sexual assault.
Physical abuse is defined by Community United Against Violence to include any unwanted action that causes bodily injury or pain. If you are a victim or survivor they remind you that you are not responsible for the violence, that you have the right to a safe, healthy relationship and to have your own life, and finally, that you are not alone; there is help available. If you know, or think you know, someone who is being abused, the following are some suggested guidelines for helping him or her. These are taken from the Community United Against Violence as well as the Texas Council on Family Violence Lesbian Task Force.
1) Believe him or her even if the abuser seems nice or is also your friend.
2) Don’t be judgmental about the situation. Judging your friend may make it difficult for them to approach you for additional support later.
3) Keep what they tell you confidential.
4) Emphasize that they are not alone and that they neither deserve nor are responsible for the abuse.
5) Educate yourself. Realize that battering exists in our own community. To ignore or deny that fact further isolates the victims and survivors.
6) Help your friend identify options and resources. Know what resources are available. Provide referrals to appropriate services, agencies, or other sources.
7) Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is difficult. Allow her or him to make their own decisions and to take back control of their own life at their own pace. Respect their decisions about this. There may be any number of factors preventing them from simply walking away from the relationship.
8) Offer him or her a place to stay should they decide to leave.
9) Seek support and assistance for yourself as well. Domestic abuse service agencies provide guidance in determining if someone is being abused, as well as help in determining what to do about it.
10) Continue to offer support and understanding throughout their entire process.
In Madison, Wisconsin, Domestic Abuse Intervention Services (formerly Dane County Advocates for Battered Women) provides the following guidelines for those caught in the cycle of physical abuse. Tell friends, neighbors, and family that you may need them. Keep important phone numbers and an extra set of keys on hand. If you have children, tell them what to do if you get attacked--get out of the house, run to a neighbor, call police, etc. In an emergency, do whatever is necessary to get away and prevent further violence. Call the police, using 9-1-1 if necessary. They can help you or take you to a safe place.
As an abuse victim, you have the right to file a complaint for battery or threats against you. The criteria that qualify for battery are that the actions caused you injury or pain and that you did not consent to the hitting. A threat is a warning of intent to inflict injury. Remember, if anyone batters or threatens you in any way, you can and should call the police immediately.
You also have the right to file a complaint against the person who hit you. You must tell the police you were hit without your consent. In the last few years, many states have changed the wording of their laws to make it easier for same-sex partners to report domestic abuse. In California, for example, the legal definition that defines cohabitants includes the phrasing “unrelated adult persons” having “sexual relations”, as reported in OutNOW! The newspaper also reported in February of 1997 that San Francisco became the first city in the nation to hire a full-time same-sex domestic violence advocate.
Currently, under Wisconsin Domestic Abuse Law, it is mandatory that a police officer make an arrest if probable cause exists to believe that a crime has been committed. After the arrest, your abuser will be prohibited from having contact with you for a period of 24 hours, unless you sign a “No Contact Waiver”.
Finally, you have the right to get a restraining order. Domestic abuse or harassment restraining orders allow a judge to order the abuser to stay away from you and your residence. Dulce Perez, Crisis Line Coordinator for Domestic Abuse Intervention Services in Madison, notes that in order for a judge to issue a restraining order your case has to fit under one of the following criteria: You have a child in common with the perpetrator; you live together or have lived together in the past; you are married to or divorced from the perpetrator. In most cases, lesbians and gay men fall under the second criterion, living together currently or in the past, though those partners who do not live together may have to pursue a harassment restraining order rather than a domestic abuse restraining order. Once a judge determines that either restraining order should be issued, the abuser is required by the court to stay away from you. An abuser who violates the court order may be arrested. For further information about restraining orders, you can contact your local domestic abuse intervention service.
Reporting the crime and getting out of the violent situation can both be crucial for survival and safety. It is a huge step in the process. Unfortunately, it is only a step and not the end of the problem. In order to survive in good health and well being, the victim must begin the steps to recovery. This would ordinarily include counseling or support groups, in which the victim can deal with abuse openly and with safety. Recovery is not likely without this, as most individuals don’t know how to process everything that has occurred to them during the cycles of their abusive relationship. The following is the way one lesbian, as quoted by Tucson United Against Domestic Violence, describes her experiences:
“I survived lesbian abuse and battering. Although this statement is supposed to imply courage, internal strength, and empowerment for victims of domestic violence, I continue to feel a piercing grief about being physically and verbally assaulted, and emotionally and psychologically traumatized at the hands of someone I loved, at the hands of another lesbian. The deterioration of my already fragile mental and physical health, the pollution of so much that was sacred to me, and the outright threat to my life can be attributed to my involvement with someone who used violence, intimidation, character assassination, and tyranny to establish power and control over me.
“Denial haunted me throughout the relationship. Denial is the unconscious distortion of reality, the refusal to accept what is. Denial is a defense mechanism against the pain of accepting what is. The psychic, emotional, and physical pain involved in domestic violence is monumental, overwhelming. Minimizing and blaming myself were the only ways I could survive the assaults or find relief from the bleakness of someone needing to render me powerless in order to feel powerful herself. When I finally broke the cycle of violence in the only way left to me, leaving and cutting off all communication, feeling and managing the pain became an all consuming task. No wonder my inner voices wanted to minimize the violence in my relationship. No wonder that they demanded that I find the cause of the violence within my history, my personality, my soul. The pain was unimaginable and incalculable.
“My denial of the violence in my relationship mirrored the minimization and denial of domestic violence with the Lesbian and Gay Community. It was also compounded and exacerbated by the inadequate, inconsistent, and negligent responses of those mental health providers to whom I turned for help. Although I talked about the violence with each counselor and demonstrated fear and confusion about the situation, none of them could reflect the appropriate alarm and concern about the danger I was in, the active deterioration of health I was experiencing, the potential consequences I could suffer, or the need to clarify and magnify the necessity for safety in my relationship. I was betrayed by a loved one, by professionals not truly prepared to help, and by a community that avoided and ignored this catastrophic problem.
“I could not have survived domestic violence without the help of those who were able and willing to help. There were friends that stayed in my life listening carefully for my readiness to make a change, friends who gave me shelter, emotional support, and courage, and friends and family that showed concern. After the final violent episode, I reached out in desperation to the shelters, the legal system, a counselor whom I trusted, and to medical doctors for help. Even though I had to face the hurdle of coming out each time that I made another phone call or arrived at an office to face another stranger, I knew that my life depended on getting the help that was congruent with the danger that I was in. I struggled to overcome emotional and social isolation so that I could live.
“I was impressed with the consciousness of those available to help. Clearly the efforts of lesbians and gay men over the past 25 years to establish our rightful place in the community and to protect our civil rights have been successful in many ways. It was always scary for me to reveal that I was being abused and that I was a lesbian, yet I was usually met with concern and appropriate assistance. The experience of betrayal and the experience of being helped have motivated me to continue to educate, to focus attention on this issue, and to engage support from a cross-section of people concerned and impacted by domestic violence in lesbian and gay relationships.”
The personal description of pain and survival in this woman’s words gives us a far better understanding of the scope of same-sex domestic violence than thousands of statistics and lists of signs. But notice how much of what has already been discussed was covered in her words about her experience. She noted the cycles of abuse, the importance of friends, the importance of stopping the cycle, the critical nature of therapy and support, the necessity of the LGBT community as a whole acknowledging that this is a problem. In short, her words make it alarmingly clear that there is a problem and that we need to deal with it. We are just beginning the long road to ending same-sex domestic violence. Recognition of the problem is the first step. It is up to you to take the next one. If every one of us takes whatever step it is we need to take, then it will be possible to imagine a community of love in which there is no internal violence. Imagine that. Imagine yourself as a loving and loved part of that community.
Appendix
Bibliography
The following books, articles, etc. may be helpful in exploring this subject further. These were used in the preparation of this presentation.
Books:
Island, David and Letellier, Patrick. Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence. Harrington Park Press, 1992.
Lobel, Kerry (editor, for National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Lesbian Task Force). Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering. Seal Press, 1984.
Renzetti, Claire M. Violent Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships. Sage Publications, 1992.
Renzetti, Claire M. and Miley, Charles Harvey (editors). Violence in Gay and Lesbian Domestic Partnerships. Harrington Park Press, 1996.
Articles:
“Gay and Lesbian Domestic Violence Widespread”, by Keith
Clark. In Step; Milwaukee, WI; October
16, 1997.
“Gay domestic violence underreported, experts say”, by Wendy Johnson. The Washington Blade; Washington, DC; February 14, 1997.
“Homosexual relationships can be ravaged by abuse, study says”, by Vicki Haddock. San Francisco Examiner; San Francisco, CA; March 20, 1997.
“Same-sex domestic violence cases now covered by state law”, by Mindy Spatt. OutNOW!; San Francisco, CA; January 24, 1995.
“S.F. DA Hires Same-Sex Domestic Violence Advocate”, GayNet
Wire Service. OutNOW!; San Francisco,
CA; February 18, 1997.
Brochures/Pamphlets:
What’s More Common
Than Anti-Gay Violence. Same Sex
Violence Subcommittee, Coordinated Community Response to Domestic Violence Task
Force; Madison, WI.
Gay/Lesbian Services
At the Dane County Rape Crisis Center. Dane
County Rape Crisis Center; Madison, WI.
Battering in Lesbian and Gay Relationships. Lesbian Task Force of the Texas Council on Family Violence; Austin, TX.
Papers:
Lesbian and Gay
Domestic Violence: A Resource. Edited and published by Tucson United
Against Domestic Violence (a subcommittee of the Southern Arizona Task Force on
Domestic Violence. Co-sponsored by the
Brewster Center for Victims of Family Violence. Tucson, AZ. April, 1995.
Dealing With Violence:
A Guide for Gay and Lesbian People.
By the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, with Tamar Hosansky and
Lance Bradley, edited by Kevin Berrill
Lesbian Battering:
Coming to Terms with the Reality.
By Norah Caslin, 1989.
Information from Web
Sites:
Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships. http://www.en.com/users/allison/l_dv.html
Male Sexual Assault. New York City Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project. http://www.avp.org/brochures.html
“Domestic Violence: In Our Community?”, by Zelle W. Andrews, Ph.D. In The Life. http://www.inthelife.com/fea0297c.htm
Same Sex Domestic Violence.
Community United Against Violence.
http://www.xq.com/cuav/domviol.htm
Additional Assistance
Provided in Interviews, Information, etc. by:
Beth Leventhal of the Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexual Women, Boston, MA.
Dulce Perez of Domestic Abuse Intervention Services, Madison, WI.
Stacy Siebert, Chair of the Same Sex Violence Subcommittee, Coordinated Community Response to Domestic Violence Task Force, Madison, WI.
Laurie Guilbault of Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, Milwaukee, WI.
De Ette Tomlinson of OutReach, Madison, WI.
Pam Wilhoyte of the Texas Council on Family Violence, Austin, TX.
Resources
Madison
Domestic Abuse Intervention Services. (608) 251-4445. 24-hour crisis line.
OutReach. (608) 255-4297. Information and referrals.
Rape Crisis Center. (608) 251-7273. 24-hour crisis line.
LAVENDAR (Lesbians Against Violence Even wheN Dykes Are Responsible). 255-7447. Support and one-on-one counseling.
UW-Madison Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual Campus Center. 265-3344. Information and referrals.
Mental Health Center of Dane County. (608) 251-2345.
Police Emergency. 911. Emergency line.
Alternatives and Treatment for Abusive Men. (608) 231-3000. Treatment for abusive men.
Milwaukee
Milwaukee LGBT Community Center. (414) 483-4710.
Information and referral.
Counseling Center of Milwaukee. (414) 271-2565. Referrals and phone counseling.
Milwaukee Women’s Center. (414) 272-6199 (bus. line); (414) 671-6140 (Crisis Line). Counseling and crisis intervention.
Statewide/National
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or TDD at (800) 787-3224. Federally funded national hotline. Help available in English or Spanish.
Hope House Domestic Abuse Resource Center. (608) 356-9123. Serving Adams, Juneau, Marquette, Columbia & Sauk Counties in Wisconsin
Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault (WCASA). (608) 257-2150. Coalition working together to end sexual violence.
Community United Against Violence. (415) 777-5500. Gay men’s domestic violence project.
This Control Wheel is from Battering in Lesbian and Gay Relationships, a brochure produced by the Lesbian Task Force of the Texas Council on Family Violence and is reprinted with their permission. It was developed by Rowe and Jagopinsky. For more information about the Lesbian Task Force, contact: The Texas Council on Family Violence, 8701 North MoPac Expressway, Suite 450, Austin, TX 78759. You may call them at (512) 794-1133 or fax them at (512) 794-1199.