PROLOGUE:
(Lights up; during the following Ultrah-Man is on stage posing, doing good, etc.)
ANNOUNCER: It’s time for The Adventures of Ultrah-Man! A quiet man who always wanted to combat evil, Joe Carpenter, Jr., was one day struck by lightning and became—Ultrah-Man! Now he flies at the speed of lightning bolts. Now he has the strength of thunder. Now he shoots lightning from his fingertips. And now he has the power he needs to destroy evil. Ultrah-Man! The ultimate man.
(Blackout)
INTRODUCTION:
(Lights up; theme music plays while actors come on and off stage with titles, as follows:
(Theater Name)
in association with
nobody else
presents
a (Theater Name) production
of a Callen Harty play
Starring
(Actor’s Name) Note: Cast size may vary. There should be on card for each actor.
produced
by (Theater Name)
with original music
by Brian Wild
color by Duh-Lux
written by
Callen Harty
directed by
(Director’s Name)
(Blackout)
SCENE ONE:
ANNOUNCER: And now, The Adventures of Ultrah-Man.
(Lights up; a therapist is making notes on a clipboard; an intercom buzzes)
DR. WHITE: Yes, Helga.
HELGA (off stage): Doctor, zare iss a man here who vould like to see you.
DR. WHITE: Send him in. (There is a knock at the door) Come in.
(JOE enters)
JOE: Hi.
DR. WHITE: What can I do for you?
JOE: My name is Joe Carpenter. Junior. I’m looking for a therapist.
DR. WHITE: You’ve come to the right place. I’m Dr. White, the founder of Fish and Loaves Therapy.
JOE: Are you a Christian therapist?
DR. WHITE: I’m the founder of Fish and Loaves Therapy.
JOE: I need a Christian therapist. I don’t want one of those secular psychologist types who questions my beliefs.
DR. WHITE: Ah, yes, I understand. I’m your man.
JOE: Who was Ruth’s mother-in-law?
DR. WHITE: I’m sorry?
JOE: I said, who was Ruth’s mother-in-law? In the Old Testament.
DR. WHITE: Naomi.
JOE: What’s the shortest verse in the Bible?
DR. WHITE: Jesus wept. (JOE starts to cry) Are you okay?
JOE: Yes. I’m sorry. I get choked up whenever someone quotes from the good book.
DR. WHITE: Are you with 20/20 or one of those news shows?
JOE: What?
DR. WHITE: Are you a Christian patient?
JOE: Of course. Yes, I am.
DR. WHITE: Then what are the seven deadly sins?
JOE: Pride, lust, envy, anger, covetousness, gluttony, and sloth.
DR. WHITE: Very good. Who betrayed Jesus?
JOE: Charlton Heston.
DR. WHITE: No, who betrayed Jesus?
JOE: Judas. With a kiss. For 30 pieces of silver.
DR. WHITE: Okay, what can I do for you?
JOE: I’m looking for a therapist.
DR. WHITE: I’m your man. What’s your problem?
JOE: I have blackouts.
(Blackout; the rest of the lines of this scene are in the dark)
DR. WHITE: I see.
JOE: My mind blacks out. I wake up later and can’t remember a thing.
DR. WHITE: Go on.
JOE: The first time, I was listening to the police scanner, a robbery in progress at an old woman’s house. I wanted to help. My mind went blank. Then it was an hour later.
DR. WHITE: I see.
SCENE TWO:
(Lights up; a ROBBER is holding a knife on a LADY)
ROBBER: Look, lady, I know ya got diamonds in a safe. I know ya got money hidden around. I want it.
LADY: I don’t have anything in the house. Could I write you a check? I can write it on the one with the pretty lakes or the one with the farm scene. I wrote out the last mountain one today. That’s my favorite. I write them out of order once in a while so I can use the mountain scene at my favorite shops. The girls always love those. I think they should give you two of those for every one . . .
ROBBER: Shut up! Are you crazy? Ya do see this knife?
LADY: Oh, dear God, help me.
ROBBER: Nobody’s gonna help ya, lady. Give me your money.
LADY: Honest, this is all I have in the house, but my checks are good. Is that a Ginsu knife? I had one stolen . . .
ROBBER: I killed the last broad who tried this stuff on me. (The sound of thunder is heard; HE looks out the window) What is this? There’s not a cloud in the sky.
(ULTRAH-MAN enters to thunder and lightning)
ULTRAH-MAN: It’s Ultrah-Man and I’m your doom.
I’ll knock your head across this room.
ROBBER: Who d’ya think you are? What d’ya want?
ULTRAH-MAN: I am Ultrah-Man, agent of God and destroyer of evil.
(ULTRAH-MAN grabs the ROBBER; THEY struggle, then the ROBBER falls to the floor; ULTRAH-MAN hands the knife to the LADY)
LADY: Thank you so much, but mine was more expensive than this.
ULTRAH-MAN: Are you all right?
LADY: Yes. Thanks again. How can I ever pay you? Will you take a check?
ULTRAH-MAN: It’s enough that good has triumphed for today.
(The sound of sirens; HE exits; LADY picks up the knife and crosses over to the ROBBER; POLICE OFFICERS enter)
1ST OFFICER: Freeze!
(LADY stumbles and plunges the knife into the prone ROBBER)
2ND OFFICER: What happened here?
LADY: This man tried to rob me.
1ST OFFICER: This is your house?
LADY: Yes, and this man broke in and tried to rob me.
2ND OFFICER (over body of ROBBER): And you knocked him out?
LADY: No, no, no. Another man came in. He said he was fighting evil, then he beat the crap out of this one. It was thrilling.
2ND OFFICER: What was his name? The one who . . . knocked this guy out. What did he look like?
LADY: His name was Ultrah-Man . . .
1ST OFFICER: How do you spell that?
2ND OFFICER: Could you come with us for a few questions?
LADY: Why, yes.
1ST OFFICER: I don’t know why, lady. Just do it.
(THEY exit; 1ST OFFICER is holding the LADY’s arm; 2ND OFFICER has the ROBBER; lights cross to a large newspaper that appears from behind the curtains and spins around. Note: the newspapers throughout should be fairly large pieces of cardboard attached to sticks on which they can be spun from behind the curtains; it stops spinning; the headline reads NEW SUPERHERO APPEARS)
SCENE THREE:
(Lights cross back to stage; JOE is building something; HE wears a tool belt in which he carries a number of brightly colored, plastic toy tools; PETE is reading a newspaper as THEY speak)
PETE: My God, I can’t believe the way things are going these days. The Democrats get into power and the whole world starts going to pot. You know what I mean?
JOE (softly): Yeah.
PETE: You know what I mean? Everything that was done, you know? Whoosh. Right down the tubes.
JOE: I know. It’s disheartening.
PETE: Disheartening? It’s downright scary. The national debt’s so high we’re all gonna die in poverty. The people at the top wanna let faggots in the military. The military! I’m a veteran, you know. The military—it’s all pansies, women, and low-class scum now.
JOE: That’s not very kind.
PETE: Well, no, maybe it’s not. But I fought my buns off to protect this damned country. I don’t wanna see it be for nothing. You know? I got my rights, too.
JOE: Pete, I’m on your side. I believe the same things you do. I just have a different way of saying it.
PETE: Yeah, yeah, I know. I blow my stack, you know? I get involved.
JOE: Hand me the wrench there, will you?
PETE: Sure. (Hands it to HIM; returns to newspaper) Did you see this? It looks like they’re gonna start funding abortions again. And they’re considering making suicide legal. What next? They should be shot. Don’t they read the Bible? Don’t they know about the sanctity of life?
JOE: I’m sure they do, in some way.
PETE: There’s evil in the world, Joe. Satan has come to destroy us, and it looks like he’s winning. Wait—here’s one good one. Some old woman was getting robbed and this guy they’re callin’ a superhero came along and knocked him out cold. All right. I like to see people fighting back. We need more of that.
JOE: I think we do.
PETE: Listen, I gotta go; got things to do. There’s a rally at the courthouse today. Fathers and Mothers in Legion with Youth. Except for the “W” it spells out family real nicely. You should join. You should do something for the causes you believe in, you know?
JOE: I’ve been praying for guidance along those lines.
PETE: The rally’s at 2. How ‘bout I see you there?
JOE: Maybe you will. What are you protesting?
PETE: The end of the world, Joe. At least the end of the world that we love.
(PETE exits; JOE picks up the paper and reads, shaking his head)
JOE: I’d say that hero arrived just in time.
(JOE freezes for a number of beats, then wakes from his reveries; the light has dimmed slightly; PETE enters)
PETE: Hey, Joe. It looks like you haven’t moved an inch since I left. Well, if you weren’t there, you shoulda been. There were counter protesters.
JOE: I’m glad I wasn’t. What?
PETE: There were counter protesters there, and they started throwin’ rocks and bottles at us.
JOE: Who? You and your wife? For what?
PETE: No, stupid. The rally. They tried to . . .
JOE (looking at this watch): What? The rally . . . I don’t get it . . . did they hurt you?
PETE: Nah. They tried to hurt us. That’s the point. But then that superhero guy came along, the one that was in the paper. He fought ‘em all of ‘til we got away. It was great.
JOE: I wish I would’ve been there.
PETE: Me, too. He’s on our side, Joe, he’s on our side.
(PETE exits; lights cross to curtains, where a newspaper comes out spinning with the headline ULTRAH-MAN SAVES FAMILwY RALLY)
SCENE FOUR:
(Lights shift back to up stage, where JOE is talking with DR. WHITE, who has re-entered)
JOE: I’d been standing there for three hours when Pete came back. I don’t remember a thing.
DR. WHITE: I see.
JOE: I don’t know what to do. I have to account for this time.
DR. WHITE: It seems to me that your conscience may be pricking you. Both times this happened you were not able to take any action when you should have or wanted to. You say you’ve been praying for guidance, but you’re not doing anything except waiting for an answer. You need to take action.
JOE: But until my prayers are answered I don’t know what kind of action to take.
DR. WHITE: I believe your prayers were answered in coming here.
JOE: How?
DR. WHITE: I happen to be the leader of a group of people who are fighting to preserve the American way of life. We could use an energetic young man like you in our ranks.
JOE: But that won’t bring back the lost time.
DR. WHITE: I might be able to do that, too.
JOE: You can?
DR. WHITE: Quite possible, yes, with hypnosis.
JOE: Oh, I don’t know about that. I don’t think I believe in it. The subconscious mind is nothing to fool around with.
DR. WHITE: Of course, it’s your choice, but I see hypnosis as a tool that God has seen fit to show us. We should not turn away the gifts that He has given us when they might be helpful.
JOE: Maybe you’re right, but I’ll need time to think about it, maybe speak with my pastor.
DR. WHITE: We would have to do it at the next session anyway. We’re out of time today. You can pay Helga on the way out.
JOE: Oh, how much do I owe you?
DR. WHITE: Let me see. Because it’s your first visit and you’re interested in joining our group and you’re a brother I’ll give you a discount today. $30.
JOE: Thank you. You’re very kind.
DR. WHITE: Yes, I am. By the way, my group’s next meeting is at 8:00 tonight. Right here. Please come.
JOE: Okay, I will. I’ll see you then.
(JOE exits; DR. WHITE looks at his notes)
SCENE FIVE:
(DR. WHITE has been looking at his notes; a sign pops out from back stage that reads, “Later that day . . . ”; an intercom buzzes)
DR. WHITE: Yes.
HELGA (on intercom): Doctor, it iss 8:00. Are you ready for za meeting?
DR. WHITE: Yes. Send in whoever is here.
HELGA: Okey-dokey.
(PETE, KIM, and HELGA enter)
DR. WHITE: Good evening.
KIM: Good evening.
PETE: How’s it going, Doc?
DR. WHITE: Where is Jody?
HELGA: Zat iss all of zem.
DR. WHITE: Let’s get started. (THEY don black hats) The Brotherhood of Preservation meeting is now in order. Is there any old business? (No answer) Okay, good. Reports. Pete, we’ll start with you.
PETE: Well, I led the FAMILY rally the other day. We ended up getting more media than we expected because of that new superhero guy—what’s his name?
KIM: ULTRAH-MAN.
PETE: Yeah, him. There were these counter protesters and he scared them off, so we got scads of press.
DR. WHITE: Good. Helga, anything?
HELGA: Yah. My committee iss continuing its harassment of kveers—writing down of license numbers at kveer bars, taking zare pictures as zay come out, and such zings as zat.
DR. WHITE: Good.
HELGA: We will now be finding out whose numbers zey are, and zen start calling all hours of za night and such zings as zat.
DR. WHITE: Very good. Kim?
KIM: We are continuing our information distribution. We passed out all the AIDS fliers at the county fair, the ones telling how AIDS is God’s retribution for immorality. The new one about how Jesus hated minorities was just printed. We’ll be placing that in stores downtown over the next few days.
DR. WHITE: Good. As for myself and recruitment, I thought I had one new member. He said he would be here at 8:00, but he is already late.
PETE: We could maybe count this Ultrah-Man guy as a new member. He seems to be on our side.
DR. WHITE: Yes, he does, but we don’t know what his viewpoints are. He may be doing good by his moral code, but that may differ from our perceptions of what is good.
HELGA: Ziss iss true.
KIM: But it would be a coup if we could recruit him.
(There is a knock at the door)
DR. WHITE: Come in.
(JOE enters)
JOE: I’m sorry I’m late. I stopped to get something to eat and the next thing I know I’m standing here knocking. I don’t know where the time went.
DR. WHITE: Brothers and sisters, I’d like you to meet our newest recruit, Joe Carpenter. (To JOE) Another blackout? We should try the hypnosis soon.
PETE: Hey, Joe, you’re finally getting’ off your duff and doin’ something. Good to see you here.
JOE: Pete. I thought you had bowling league on Thursday nights.
(The phone rings; DR. WHITE answers it and listens for a moment)
DR. WHITE: Yes. Where are you? Okay, I will. (HE hangs up) That was Jody, at a fast-food restaurant where a gunman went crazy tonight. We’re supposed to turn the T. V. on right away. It’s his excuse for being late.
SCENE SIX:
(DR. WHITE turns the television on)
NEWSCASTER (on tape): That’s right, Fred, we happened to be here at McDaniels grabbing a burger and fries when it happened. We recorded our impressions as it was occurring. I believe that tape—oh, not yet—yes—we do have the tape ready to play back to you as it happened. This is what it was like. (Lights go black for one moment; actors reposition themselves as patrons of the restaurant; the actor playing KIM becomes the NEWSCASTER; the voice is live now) This is W-I-L-D News. We’re in a back booth at McDaniels Restaurant where a man has pulled a machine gun on the crowd. (JOE quietly exits) He’s turning toward us. (ALL of them scream) He’s going to speak. We’ll let you listen live now.
GUNMAN: How can you people eat here!? This place kills cows and things to give you food! They kill animals!
(GUNMAN shoots a round of ammunition; a couple of the PATRONS hold signs above their heads that say, “rat-a-tat-tat” as THEY duck)
NEWSCASTER: Oh my God, he opened fire. We’re dead meat.
GUNMAN: Cows are living, breathing things! They have hearts and souls and udders.
(GUNMAN fires another round; a couple more “rat-a-tat-tat” signs pop up)
NEWSCASTER: He’s shooting again. We’re goners. Nobody’s been hit yet as far as I can tell.
GUNMAN: And ham! Ham is made from pork! It’s another name for pig. That’s why they guy was called Porky Pig. Don’t you see? (There is a sound of thunder as ULTRAH-MAN enters) You, get down with the rest!
ULTRAH-MAN: I’m Ultrah-Man and I like meat.
I’ll send you somewhere else to eat.
(The GUNMAN fires again; all the “rat-a-tat-tat” signs come up as ULTRAH-MAN dodges bullets and moves toward the GUNMAN, the knocks him to the floor) I am Ultrah-Man, agent of God and destroyer of evil.
GUNMAN: I give! I give! I’ll have a hamburger and fries!
COUNTER PERSON: Would you like a drink or dessert with that?
1ST DINER: Could I have your autograph?
2ND DINER: Could I interest you in becoming a spokesman for the meat industry? For athletic shoes? Credit cards?
ULTRAH-MAN: No.
2ND DINER: My clients would pay lots of money.
NEWSCASTER: Ultrah-Man, who are you really?
2ND DINER: In the millions.
ULTRAH-MAN: I thank all of you for your adulation, but I must go. (To 2ND DINER) Maybe the credit card. Would I get a free one for my own use? (2ND DINER nods; to ALL) Remember to be good and to do good, not necessarily in that order.
(ULTRAH-MAN exits, taking the GUNMAN with him)
NEWSCASTER: We have been saved. A potentially deadly encounter at McDaniels has turned into a joyful party of thanks for America’s newest superhero, Ultrah-Man. This is W-I-L-D’s live remote signing off. (Lights go black for one moment; the actors reposition themselves back into the Brotherhood meeting)
SCENE SEVEN:
(Lights back up)
NEWSCASTER (on tape again): So Fred, that was the it felt to be there, with bullets zipping overhead, French fries flying from food trays, and a superhero saving our lives. It was quite exciting. We’ll have a more detailed report on the 10:00 edition. For now that’s all we have.
(DR. WHITE turns the television off)
DR. WHITE: Meeting adjourned. Everyone go. Except for you, Joe. I need to meet with you privately.
(GROUP MEMBERS start to file out; HELGA and DR. WHITE are in a corner)
HELGA: But, Doctor, iss zat all zare iss?
DR. WHITE: No, Helga. You can stay in the outer office. I may need you.
HELGA: Vat iss going on?
DR. WHITE: Let’s just say I suddenly had a feeling about our new friend here. I need to do a hypnosis session on him right away, to find out if my hunch is correct.
HELGA: Zen I vill vait.
(HELGA exits, leaving DR. WHITE and JOE alone)
DR. WHITE: Joe, you missed most of the meeting.
JOE: I couldn’t help it. I was blacked out again.
DR. WHITE: And now you’re waking up from your blackouts in different locations. You stopped for a quick bit to eat and you ended up here, considerably later. That could be dangerous. Your mind may not be aware, but your body is doing things. We should to the hypnosis immediately, before something terrible happens.
(DR. WHITE gently pushes JOE into a seated position)
JOE: I’m sure I wouldn’t hurt anybody during these blackouts.
DR. WHITE: I would never suggest that, but you may be hurt.
JOE: Oh, I didn’t think about that, but I don’t think I want to be hypnotized. (JOE starts to get up) It doesn’t seem natural or right.
DR. WHITE (pushing JOE back down again): Have you ever heard of Sybil? (No answer) She was a woman who had more than one personality, many more. I believe this could be what is happening to you. Another personality takes over your body and makes you do things over which you have no control. If that is true, you could hurt yourself, or someone else.
JOE (getting up again): I have to think about this.
(During the following DR. WHITE keeps moving around to position himself in front of JOE and JOE keeps moving around trying to avert his gaze)
DR. WHITE: Think of the harm you could inflict. Think of it. Think of ocean waves splashing onto sand and spraying off of seashore rocks. Soft music playing in your ears only. Oboes and violins and the deep voice of cellos. Of green and red and orange and yellow autumn leaves falling noiselessly in the wind on a warm Indian summer day; an azure sky filled with billowing clouds. Or the sound of a bubbling brook. The wide-eyed wonderment of children in wintertime. The shut-eye wonderment of the moment when you fall asleep; that moment; the movement of that moment, forward into sleep, you can’t go back the sleep is pulling at you to dream to dream to dream to fall asleep and dream dream fall asleep asleep sleep sleep deep sleep and dream. (JOE has stopped moving) Are you asleep now, Joe?
JOE: Yes, I am.
DR. WHITE: We’re going to go back not, Joe. We’re going to go back into the past to find out some answers. Answers to questions such as why you lose track of time every time Ultrah-Man makes an appearance, why your bodies look alike. And if my suspicions are correct . . . what then? How could the brotherhood best use your gifts? We shall see. (Pressing intercom) Helga, come here. I need you. (HE laughs; HELGA enters) Relax, Joe. Let your body and your mind relax. Helga, you are not going to believe this. Are you asleep, Joe?
JOE: Yes, I am.
DR. WHITE: Good.
(DR. WHITE lets out a maniacal laugh)
ANNOUNCER: Will the secret of Ultrah-Man be discovered? What dastardly things might happen to Joe? To Ultrah-Man? To the world? The universe? Don’t go away. the security of the cosmos is riding on the answers. The Adventures of Ultrah-Man will be back after these messages.
(Blackout)
COMMERCIAL BREAK:
(Lights up; a BUTCHIE’S MOM and a MAN appear with telephones)
BUTCHIE’S MOM: Butchie got a promotion.
MAN: Did he really? That boy must make you proud.
BUTCHIE’S MOM: Now he’s an assistant to the assistant manager at McDaniels.
(A KID appears behind the man with the phone)
MAN (holding mouthpiece): Butchie got a raise and promotion. You should get your buns off the couch and get a job.
KID: Yeah, old man, I should.
(KID exits)
BUTCHIE’S MOM: He gets a free burger and small fries every shift and he can work up to 18 hours a week.
MAN: That’s great. I have to run. I’ll talk to you another time.
(MAN exits; BUTCHIE’S MOM dials another number)
BUTCHIE’S MOM (as she’s exiting): Butchie got a raise and promotion.
(KID reappears; 2ND KID enters opposite)
KID: Butchie got a pro-mo-tion at McDaniels.
2ND KID: Cool. Man, if poor white trash like him can make it in this world, anyone can.
(KID exits; Butchie enters)
BUTCHIE: Hey.
2ND KID: Hey, I hear you’re the new manager of Mackey D’s.
BUTCHIE: Yeah, well. I’m up over minimum wage now, dude.
2ND KID: I’m gonna go apply me for a job. Right now.
(2ND KID exits; BUTCHIE’S MOM enters)
BUTCHIE’S MOM: There you are. Congrats, son. You’ll be president of the company soon.
BUTCHIE: Sure, Ma.
BUTCHIE’S MOM: Maybe now I can get that new toilet seat cover I’ve been lusting after. Let’s go eat, baby.
ANNOUNCER (as they exit): McDaniels, where all your dreams can come true.
(Blackout)
2ND COMMERCIAL:
(Lights up immediately; during the following CHILDREN are running around playing games)
ANNOUNCER (softly): Remember the old days of cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, war? All the fun killing games you played as children? Gosh, wasn’t it fun? Great memories, weren’t they? (ANNOUNCER gets very loud and obnoxious; during the following the CHILDREN drop one by one until only one is left standing) Now, for a new generation, a new kind of toy! Children will love the Rotco Street Killer Set. Be the first on your block to own the Street Killer Uzi. The Street Killer Switchblade. The Street Killer temporary tattoos. The Street Killer aerosol paint can with gangland stencils. The Street Killer sawed-off shotgun. And the Street Killer ammo clip with bullets. All parts made of real plastic. Be the first to own the full set! Be the one on your block who is king of the urban jungle! Blow your friends away! Street Killer. By Rotco. (Blackout; following is a throw-away line) Not recommended for children under two; company accepts no responsibility for injury or death; batteries not included.
SCENE EIGHT:
ANNOUNCER (in dark): And now back to The Adventures of Ultrah-Man.
(Lights up; DR. WHITE and HELGA are hovering around JOE; the scene is the same as before the commercial break; a sign pops out from back stage that reads, “A little later . . . ”
HELGA: Ziss is unbeleefable. Zat ziss man is zat hero.
DR. WHITE: I have regressed him through all of his appearances as Ultrah-Man. Each one is accounted for, but as Joe he doesn’t remember a single one. It’s amazing.
HELGA: Vat now?
DR. WHITE: Now, I can put him into hypnosis whenever I want by saying the words, “Sleep, Joe”. Having Ultrah-Man as a member of our group could come in quite handy, don’t you think? But right now we are going to try to see how it happened. And then we need to do some hypnotic suggestions. Are you still asleep, Joe?
JOE: Yes, I am.
DR. WHITE: Take us to the moment you became Ultrah-Man. Tell us about it.
JOE (robotically): I had been praying for a sign . . . (A sign pops out from back stage that reads, “Flashback”) something to tell me what to do with my life, and then it happened. (JOE stands up; DR. WHITE and HELGA step back) Pete and I were golfing. It was a gray day. (JOE takes a golf swing; a crack of lightning is heard; HE falls to the floor; GOD appears)
GOD: Joe?
JOE: God, what happened?
GOD: You were struck by lightning—one of my favorite little tricks.
JOE: Where’s Pete? We . . . we were golfing, Pete and I.
GOD: He ran to get help.
JOE: Who are you?
GOD: God. (JOE laughs) Nobody ever believes me.
JOE: You’re really God?
GOD: No, I’m Florence Henderson.
JOE: I’m dead then?
GOD: Joe, not everyone has to wait until they’re dead to see me. You people have misunderstood everything.
JOE: Then I’m still alive?
GOD: Physically. Usually if you’re not dead, you’re alive, yes.
JOE: But I can’t move. I’m paralyzed.
GOD: You’re unconscious. (GOD snaps fingers and JOE can move again) I can’t communicate with you people when you’re in a conscious state. You think too much.
JOE: What do you want from me?
GOD: What do I want from you? You’re the one who’s been bugging me night after night with, “Oh, God, please give me a sign; show me what to do with my life; don’t leave me stranded in a hostile world, blah blah blah blah.”
JOE: You’re answering my prayers?
GOD: Good morning, Joe. No, I’m here to ask you to the prom.
JOE: I’m sorry, I just thought that . . .
GOD: Don’t think. You people are dangerous when you think. Just listen. Here’s the plan. You are going to become Ultrah-Man, agent of God—that’s me—and destroyer of evil. You will have some gifts to do it with—the ability to shoot lightning from your fingertip, great strength, and speed. I am planting this in your subconscious, so that you won’t know it as Joe. Ultrah-Man will live to destroy evil wherever he finds it, but Joe will go on being a nerd, so that nobody suspects. Yes, your prayers are answered. Now you can quit bugging me. Wake up now.
(GOD starts to exit)
GOD & DR. WHITE: Wake up now.
JOE: Where am I? Where’s Pete?
DR. WHITE: He’s not here. Joe, I did a hypnotic regression on you.
JOE: But I didn’t want you to.
DR. WHITE: A person cannot be hypnotized against their will. You must have really wanted me to do it.
JOE: Don’t ever do that again.
DR. WHITE: Okay, I won’t.
JOE: You promise?
DR. WHITE: Yes, I promise.
JOE: Cross your heart and hope to die?
DR. WHITE: Sleep, Joe. Are you asleep?
JOE: Yes, I am.
DR. WHITE: Good. I have some things I want you to do for me. For all of us. For the good of the country.
(DR. WHITE kisses the top of JOE’s head and puts his arm around JOE; THEY exit)
HELGA: Ziss iss zrilling.
(HELGA exits)
SCENE NINE:
(Lights up; PASSERSBY can be seen behind a REPORTER in front of a courthouse; SOME stop and wave, or mouth “Hi, Mom” to the camera)
ROGER B: This is Roger B, with the remote live mobile mini-cam traveling camera van, reporting live from the courthouse, where about twelve hours ago they mayor released a press release, pleading for the return of Ultrah-Man. Nobody knows if the superhero has retired, is in hiding for some reason, is on a well-deserved vacation, or if he was somehow kidnapped. But since his disappearance three days ago, violent acts of violence in our city have skyrocketed up beyond the levels they were at before Ultrah-Man first appeared. If you have seen him, please contact your local police department immediately. If you are him, please contact your local police department immediately. (A THIEF sticks a gun in ROGER’s face and holds out his hand; ROGER takes his wallet out and hands it to the THIEF) Please contact your local police department immediately.
(THIEF runs away, with CAMERAMAN following)
SCENE TEN:
(HELGA, PETE, and KIM enter; a sign pops out from back stage that reads, “Meanwhile . . . ”)
PETE: What’s with the special meeting? I had things to do tonight.
KIM: It had better be something important.
HELGA: I haff promised za boss not to tell vat it iss. You vill see.
PETE: I hope it doesn’t take too long.
HELGA: You vill see.
(JODY enters)
PETE: Jody, glad you could make this one. Didn’t stop at Mackey D’s on the way tonight?
JODY: Not funny. Especially now that Ultrah-Man has disappeared.
HELGA: You vill see.
JODY: What is she babbling about tonight?
PETE: Who knows? We’ll see. (DR. WHITE enters) Hey, Doc, what’s the scoop?
DR. WHITE: You will see.
KIM: Before we go on with whatever the reason is for this special meeting, I would like you to know I am done with the printing and distribution of the minorities flier. I need a new subject, so I can get to work on the next one right away.
PETE: How ‘bout sex and violence in the arts? That needs to be crushed.
KIM: It’s been done.
HELGA: You could maybe do anozer one uff zose handouts on books zat should be banned and burned. Zat vass my favorite.
DR. WHITE: We can discuss this later. I have news.
PETE: Well, what is it?
DR. WHITE: I have called all of you here tonight to introduce you to a new member of our little group.
JODY: Couldn’t this have waited four more days?
KIM: Yes, until the next meeting.
DR. WHITE: It could have, but I think you will understand when you meet our newest member.
KIM: We’d better.
DR. WHITE: You may come in now.
(ULTRAH-MAN enters)
PETE: Oh my God.
ULTRAH-MAN: I’m your hero; I’m on your side.
Evil enemies now will hide.
PETE: Oh my God.
JODY: How did you do it?
KIM: I’d say our mission just got easier.
DR. WHITE: Brothers and sisters, meet Ultrah-Man, our newest member.
PETE: This is great.
DR. WHITE: Yes, it is, but no one must know. It must be our secret.
KIM: This does make it worth coming here tonight.
HELGA: I told you zat you’d see. Didn’t I say zat you vould see?
(THEY all cheer, then crowd around ULTRAH-MAN as THEY exit; lights cross to curtains; a newspaper comes out from behind the curtain; the headline reads OH WHERE OH WHERE HAS OUR ULTRAH-MAN GONE? A second newspaper comes out; it reads OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN HE BE?
SCENE ELEVEN:
(Lights cross back to stage; ROGER B enters)
ROGER B: This is Roger B, the maxi-man with the mini-cam, reporting live from the courthouse, where a scant short six hours ago, the mayor of the city offered a $10,000 reward for the return of Ultrah-Man. With the city budget being tight and little money to go around this is seen as a significant gesture by the city. If you have seen Ultrah-Man, please call 555-NARC to get your reward. If you are Ultrah-Man, please let someone know where you are. (A STRANGER comes up and sticks a knife in ROGER B’s stomach) If you are watching this, please call 9-1-1 now. (STRANGER runs off; ROGER B stumbles after him, with CAMERAMAN following; as they exit, ULTRAH-MAN appears, with appropriate music, flying overhead; while he’s flying, MISS ALEXANDER enters; ULTRAH-MAN lands at the courthouse)
MISS ALEXANDER: May I help you?
ULTRAH-MAN: I flew like lightning, and I soared.
I’ve come to get the big reward.
MISS ALEXANDER: Are you . . . are you . . .
ULTRAH-MAN: I am Ultrah-Man.
MISS ALEXANDER: One moment, please, Mr. Man. (SHE presses an intercom button) Mayor, a man is here to see you, a Mr. Ultrah Man.
MAYOR (off stage): I’ll be right there, for God’s sake.
MISS ALEXANDER (to Ultrah-Man): He’ll be right here.
ULTRAH-MAN: Thank you. You’re a kind and gentle woman.
(MAYOR enters)
MAYOR: Ultrah-Man, you’re alive! Miss Alexander, you may take the rest of the day off if you’d like. This is cause for celebration. But don’t let this news out. It would be better if the criminals didn’t know he was back.
MISS ALEXANDER: Thank you, sir. It was very nice to meet you, Mr. Man. Good day.
(MISS ALEXANDER exits)
ULTRAH-MAN: She’s a courteous and professional receptionist, Mayor.
MAYOR: Yes, she is. She’s been with me for years. I trust her completely.
MISS ALEXANDER (screaming, off stage): He’s been found! Ultrah-Man is back! Our superhero is alive! He’s with the mayor now!
MAYOR: We are happy to see you well. Maybe now the city will calm down some.
ULTRAH-MAN: Maybe. I’ve come for the check.
MAYOR: Check?
ULTRAH-MAN: I heard there was a reward for my appearance. I’m here to collect.
MAYOR: I didn’t think you would want it, Ultrah-Man. The city couldn’t really afford to offer it, but we needed to get you back again.
ULTRAH-MAN: I don’t want it for myself. It’s for a friend, the one who found me. He is a good man who is doing good work for the community. You can make it out to him.
MAYOR: Oh, that makes more sense. Who is he?
ULTRAH-MAN: Dr. Seymour White.
MAYOR: Dr. White? Doing good work? You must be mistaken.
ULTRAH-MAN: I am Ultrah-Man.
MAYOR: But Dr. White is the leader of an extremist group—the Brotherhood for the Preservation of America.
ULTRAH-MAN: Yes.
MAYOR: I can’t support him in good conscience. (Patriotic music starts playing) You see, I’m a liberal. I voted for Eugene McCarthy and George McGovern when I was a young man. Even once for Gus Hall. I could never support or even listen to Dr. White’s viewpoints, and I won’t allow you to either. (ULTRAH-MAN puts his hands around the MAYOR’s neck and squeezes; the music stops) Wait. Let me get my pen.
(ROGER B & CAMERAMAN enter)
ROGER B: This is Roger B, your roving, roaming on-the-spot news reporter reporting the news on the spot. We’ve just received word that Ultrah-Man is alive and well. We are at the courthouse now, where you can see Ultrah-Man is meeting with the mayor, the leader of our city. It appears that Ultrah-Man and the mayor are hugging. The mayor must be relieved. (ULTRAH-MAN lets go of the MAYOR’s neck) Now Ultrah-Man is leaving. Here comes the mayor. Mayor, could I ask you a quick question . . .
(MAYOR rushes past and exits; ROGER B & CAMERMAN follow)
SCENE TWELVE:
(ULTRAH-MAN appears, flying across the stage in the opposite direction; lights shift to office lighting; while HE’s flying, DR. WHITE enters and paces, waiting; ULTRAH-MAN enters)
DR. WHITE: There you are. What took so long?
ULTRAH-MAN: The mayor did not want us to have the check. But I convinced him that he should give it to me.
(ULTRAH-MAN hands DR. WHITE the check)
DR. WHITE: Good. We need the money to continue our work. (The intercom buzzes) Yes?
HELGA (off stage): Doctor, za mayor iss here to see you.
DR. WHITE: Give me a moment. Ultrah-Man, you may go home now, wake up, and become Joe again. You will not remember anything that has happened. But make sure you return to me the same time tomorrow. We have work to do. Is that understood?
ULTRAH-MAN: Yes, it is.
DR. WHITE: Good. I will see you tomorrow. Use the back door. (ULTRAH-MAN exits; DR. WHITE speaks into the intercom) Helga, send in the mayor now.
(MAYOR enters)
MAYOR: What have you done?
DR. WHITE: Oh, Mr. Mayor, thank you for the check.
MAYOR: What have you done to Ultrah-Man?
DR. WHITE: Done? What do you mean, done? It appears that, like me, Ultrah-Man is trying to fight the ills that face our great nation. Is there a problem with that?
MAYOR: Something is wrong here, Doctor. Ultrah-Man is supposed to be an agent of God and God doesn’t grant favored nation status. An agent of God would never strangle a man over money. You’ve done something.
DR. WHITE: Please, Mayor, don’t get all choked up. Ultrah-Man is a free man—he is a man, after all—and he can use his powers however he sees fit.
MAYOR: Whatever you’ve done, don’t think you can get away with it. You’ll be brought to justice.
(Intercom buzzes)
DR. WHITE: Mayor, you did not have an appointment this afternoon and I do have clients to see. Yes, Helga.
HELGA (off stage): Doctor, za fellow viss za Christ complex iss here for hiss veekly appointment.
DR. WHITE: Send him in. (To MAYOR) I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave.
(MAYOR starts to exit as CLIENT is entering; CLIENT is affixed to a cross)
CLIENT: Across, across, we go across on a cross. A cross, a cross, an albatross. ‘Scuse me, boss.
MAYOR (at doorway, to DR. WHITE): You are a sick man.
CLIENT: I am Lord God, good Lord; you will die by the sword.
(CLIENT tries to attack MAYOR, who exits quickly; CLIENT chases after HIM)
DR. WHITE: Jesus, don’t hurt him! He was talking to me! Wait!
(DR. WHITE exits, chasing after the two of them)
SCENE THIRTEEN:
(JOE and PETE enter; JOE starts to work on some carpentry; a sign pops out from back stage that reads, “A couple days later . . . ”)
PETE: So why don’t you join our group? It’d make you feel like you’re doin’ something, you know?
JOE: I don’t know.
PETE: It’s not too late.
JOE: Thanks, but I’m still waiting for an answer . . .
PETE: . . . from God. God helps those who help themselves, you know. That’s an old saying.
JOE: Yeah, I know, but . . . I don’t know.
PETE: What d’ya think of Ultrah-Man, Joe?
JOE: He’s great. I wish I could be more like him.
PETE: You know why I asked?
JOE: No, why?
PETE: ‘Cause . . . now I’m not supposed to tell anyone ‘bout this, but you’re sympathetic to the cause . . . Ultrah-Man joined the Brotherhood.
JOE: What? What about the city? What about fighting evil?
PETE: Joe, if you didn’t catch it the other night, our group is about fighting evil. Hey, did you hear about the condom scare?
JOE: I saw something in the paper.
PETE: Well, that was Ultrah-Man. He broke into that condom factory and with his powers shot tiny pinpoint bolts of lightning through all the packages.
JOE: Why?
PETE: To put holes in ‘em, dummy.
JOE: What?
PETE: Condoms are evil. They promote homosexuality and AIDS and promiscuity.
JOE: But they protect young girls from getting p. g., and people from dying.
PETE: You mean you want rubbers in the schools and stuff? I’m not sure you’re on our side anymore.
JOE: Don’t get me wrong. I think those things are bad too, but you don’t fight them by causing people to die. Ultrah-Man is supposed to save people.
PETE: He’s supposed to act as an agent of God. God hates fags. And lust. And all that stuff. Ultrah-Man’s the one who slashed the obscene paintings at the art gallery, too.
JOE: That’s illegal. It’s destruction of public property.
PETE: Joe, obscene art is destruction of public morals. That’s what Dr. White says. You have to fight these things however you can. Don’t you understand?
JOE: No, I don’t. He should be stopped.
PETE: Oh, come on. It’s like you’ve gone to sleep, Joe. (JOE gets a glazed look in his eyes) Joe? What’s wrong? Are you asleep, Joe?
(JOE unbuttons his shirt and takes it off, revealing the costume shirt of Ultrah-Man underneath it; HE takes off his pants, revealing Ultrah-Man’s tights beneath; HE puts on Ultrah-Man’s mask)
PETE: You’re Ultrah-Man?
ULTRAH-MAN: Yes, I am, and there is work to do. Come with me.
(THEY exit; a STREET PERSON enters and steals the clothes and tool belt)
SCENE FOURTEEN:
(A YOUNG COUPLE enters)
YOUNG MAN: Hey, have you ever done it in a park?
YOUNG WOMAN: You don’t remember last night?
YOUNG MAN: That was an amusement park. On the top of a stalled Ferris wheel. That doesn’t count. I mean a regular park, like this one.
(The STREET PERSON walks past them)
YOUNG WOMAN: I don’t think we should. We might be caught. This park seems pretty crowded.
YOUNG MAN: Yeah, but down behind the bushes nobody would see.
YOUNG WOMAN: But somebody could.
YOUNG MAN: That’s part of the excitement, the possibility of being seen or caught.
YOUNG WOMAN: You’re weird. couldn’t we maybe do it in a bed one time?
YOUNG MAN: That’s boring. Come on.
YOUNG WOMAN: I don’t know.
YOUNG MAN: Come on. (HE moves closer and kisses HER) You’d do it if you loved me. It’ll be fun. Please.
YOUNG WOMAN: Okay, okay. But next time in a bed. In a bedroom. In the dark. Okay?
YOUNG MAN: Sure.
(THEY start unbuttoning each other; ULTRAH-MAN and PETE enter)
ULTRAH-MAN: I’m Ultrah-Man; I’ll stop this sex;
After marriage is when it’s best.
(ULTRAH-MAN grabs the YOUNG MAN and starts punching him)
YOUNG MAN: What are you doing!?
(ULTRAH-MAN continues punching HIM; the YOUNG WOMAN runs off stage screaming; the YOUNG MAN falls to the floor)
ULTRAH-MAN: That will teach you to have premarital sex, young man.
YOUNG MAN: But . . . we’re . . . married.
ULTRAH-MAN: Oh, that’s different. (HE kicks the YOUNG MAN) That will teach you to have public intercourse, young man.
(The YOUNG MAN falls over)
PETE: Is he okay? You pulverized him. Is he gonna be all right?
ULTRAH-MAN: That is no concern of ours.
PETE: But he could die. We should call an ambulance.
ULTRAH-MAN: You sound like Joe. If you are not on our side, Pete, you could be a tool of evil. And you could die too. (THEY hear the YOUNG WOMAN returning) It is time to go.
(ULTRAH-MAN grabs PETE and THEY exit; a POLICE OFFICER and the YOUNG WOMAN enter and cross to the body of the YOUNG MAN)
POLICE OFFICER: He’s dead.
(POLICE OFFICER carries the body off; YOUNG WOMAN follows, crying; lights cross to curtain, where a newspaper comes out with the headline, ULTRAH-MAN SOUGHT IN MURDER)
SCENE FIFTEEN:
(ULTRAH-MAN and PETE enter)
ULTRAH-MAN: There is evil everywhere, Pete. It must be destroyed.
(A MAN and WOMAN enter; ULTRAH-MAN and PETE hide from view)
MAN: What a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
WOMAN: Yes, yes it is. But I’m feeling . . . just a little dizzy. Let’s stop for a moment.
MAN: Are you okay?
WOMAN: I don’t know. Where’s my hypodermic?
MAN: Probably in your purse. Do you want me to look?
WOMAN: No, I think I can find it. Oh, I feel weak.
(WOMAN rummages through her purse, then pulls out a hypodermic needle and a small vial)
MAN: There are people watching us.
WOMAN: I don’t care. I need it now.
(WOMAN puts the needle to her arm and is about to inject when ULTRAH-MAN and PETE cross to them)
ULTRAH-MAN: I am Ultrah-Man and I hate drugs;
I’ll beat you up, you dirty thugs.
(ULTRAH-MAN grabs the needle, then grabs the bottle, opens it, and dumps it out)
MAN: Wait! You don’t know what you’re doing.
ULTRAH-MAN: I was going to say that to you.
(WOMAN passes out; MAN looks at her)
MAN: She’s in a coma. Call 9-1-1.
ULTRAH-MAN: Sometimes addicts have to go cold turkey. It may hurt at first, but it is better in the long run.
MAN: Addict! Give me that needle, you fool!
ULTRAH-MAN: Fool?! I am Ultrah-Man!
(ULTRAH-MAN punches the man in the stomach)
MAN: Fool . . . she’s a diabetic.
ULTRAH-MAN: Oh, that’s different. Well, she should know better than to brandish drug paraphernalia in public. It might give youngsters the wrong idea.
MAN: Idiot. Do something.
ULTRAH-MAN: There is nothing I can do. (To PETE) We are done here. We should move on now.
(THEY start to exit)
PETE: But she was innocent, Ultrah-Man.
ULTRAH-MAN: No one is innocent, Pete. She must be guilty of something. No one is innocent.
(ULTRAH-MAN and PETE exit; a POLICE OFFICER enters)
POLICEMAN: What’s wrong here?
MAN: My wife . . . she’s in a coma . . . she’s a diabetic and needs insulin.
POLICEMAN (checking her pulse): I’m afraid it’s too late.
(THEY carry her body off stage)
SCENE SIXTEEN:
(DR. WHITE, HELGA, KIM, and JODY enter; THEY are carrying signs that say, “Abortion Kills”, “Life is Sacred”, “Stop the Killing”, and “Pro-Life”; THEY stand in front of the entrance to an abortion clinic)
DR. WHITE: Stop the murder! Stop it now! Let these children live somehow!
ALL: Stop the murder! Stop it now! Let these children live somehow!
DR. WHITE: Fetus this day, adults tomorrow! There is no end to all the sorrow!
ALL: Stop the murder! Stop it now! Let these children live somehow!
DR. WHITE: Life is sacred! Life is good! Give babies birth, as you should!
ALL: Stop the murder! Stop it now! Let these children live somehow!
(ULTRAH-MAN and PETE enter)
ULTRAH-MAN: Ultrah-Man will stop the killing;
And with your help, if you’re willing.
DR. WHITE: Ultrah-Man. You made it. This is the place where the babies die. I told you about it yesterday. It cannot go on.
(ULTRAH-MAN shoots a couple lightning bolts through the door; these will be soft sculpture; the sound of screams and someone yelling)
VOICE: Fire!
PETE: Oh my God, there’s people in there.
ULTRAH-MAN: Pete, they are sinners.
(The OTHERS lift Ultrah-Man onto their shoulders and carry HIM off; PETE stands still for a moment, then runs through the door of the burning building)
ANNOUNCER (as lights fade to black): What hath God wrought? What would the real Ultrah-Man think of this if he wasn’t hypnotized? How much more terror will the hypnotized Ultrah-Man bring to Dr. White’s enemies? Will it ever end? Don’t go away. These and other questions will be answered when The Adventures of Ultrah-Man continues, after these messages.
3RD COMMERCIAL:
(Lights up immediately; ANNOUNCER is on stage; a SMILING WOMAN enters—her smile is overly wide)
ANNOUNCER: Discover the secret to ignorant bliss. Page 13. (FIRST MAN appears and looks at her upside-down) The key to a great sex life. Page 69. (The SMILING WOMAN and FIRST MAN stomp on the floor) The way to crush your competition and come out on top when climbing the corporate ladder. Page 1. (SECOND MAN enters and joins them; THEY form a triangle and join hands above their heads) The phallic symbolism of the volcano used in this commercial. Page 64. (THEY move their hands to imitate an eruption) The lustful excitement of the eruption coming from this volcano. Page 65. (THEY melt to the floor and writhe like lava) The erotic enticement of the flow of hot lava snaking across your screen. Page 66. (FIRST MAN and SMILING WOMAN choke SECOND MAN) The way to destroy evil in the world. Page 666. (THEY laugh) The answers that will give you complete happiness amidst the tragedy of this world. Page . . . 0. (THEY mime cash transactions) The way to make millions of dollars off of unhappy suckers looking for answers everywhere but in their own souls. See the ordering address at the end of this commercial. You can discover all these secrets and more in Al Don Hubbard’s new bok, Diet Ethics. Send nine-ninety-nine for the book, plus $29 for shipping and handling to Diet Ethics, 14 Watch Tower Place, Warner Airhead Plaza, Chicago, 60609. (ALL exit, obviously happy; blackout)
4TH COMMERCIAL:
(Lights up; there is a CLERK behind a counter; ULTRAH-MAN is filling out some paperwork)
ULTRAH-MAN (turning to audience): Do you know me? I travel all over the city fighting crime and putting things right. But it doesn’t pay well. Except for personal satisfaction. so when I want to dine or shop or do anything that costs money; when I want to buy things now and pay dearly for it later; when I want to be in debt instead of having people indebted to me—I use my American Excess card. It’s recognized all over the world and accepted at the finest, most expensive restaurants and hotels. Heck, it’s even more recognizable than me—Ultrah-Man. Don’t ever leave without it. You never know when an impulse buying spree might hit you.
(Blackout)
ANNOUNCER (off stage, in dark): American Excess. The card.
SCENE SEVENTEEN:
ANNOUNCER (in dark): And now back to The Adventures of Ultrah-Man.
(Lights up; PETE is in an interrogation room)
PETE: But I didn’t do it. I went in there to save lives.
INTERROGATOR: That’s your word.
PETE: It’s true. I heard screams. I had to try.
INTERROGATOR: Five people are dead. Seven if you count the two unborn babies who died with their mothers. First, second trimester—who cares—they could have been lives.
PETE: That’s what we’re fighting for, to count them as lives.
INTERROGATOR: So you admit you are involved.
PETE: I didn’t say that.
INTERROGATOR: You said “we”.
PETE: I was there protesting. I didn’t know this was gonna happen.
INTERROGATOR: So you are involved with the terrorist group responsible for this.
PETE: Terrorist group?
INTERROGATOR: This doesn’t look good for you. You admit involvement with the group. You admit you were fighting for that group’s cause at the clinic. You were found in the burning building.
PETE: I was trying to save lives.
INTERROGATOR: Right. There’s more. You were also seen with Ultrah-Man in two other locations where people died. We intend to book you on those murders too.
PETE: Murders?
INTERROGATOR: You are in big trouble.
PETE: It’s not my fault. It’s Ultrah-Man. He’s gone mad. He’s the one who started the fire. I didn’t know he was gonna start killing people. He was hypnotized by Dr. White. I just wanted to save lives.
INTERROGATOR: Mayor, did you hear that?
MAYOR (appearing from behind the curtain): Yes, I did. Unfortunately, we can’t do anything about Dr. White, as much as I’d like to, because your word is only hearsay. But, you did say you wanted to save lives?
PETE: Yeah. I didn’t kill anyone. I’d never kill anyone.
MAYOR: Then we have a job for you. Come with me.
(PETE, the MAYOR, and INTERROGATOR exit)
SCENE EIGHTEEN:
(A sign pops out from back stage that reads, “Meanwhile . . . ”; DR. WHITE enters with ULTRAH-MAN; they stay stage right)
DR. WHITE: Pete getting himself arrested is not good.
ULTRAH-MAN: No, it’s not. He knows who I am.
DR. WHITE: What? How?
ULTRAH-MAN: He said the words, “Sleep, Joe” . . . (ULTRAH-MAN falls asleep; DR. WHITE snaps his fingers and he wakes up again) and I did.
DR. WHITE: You became Ultrah-Man in front of him?
ULTRAH-MAN: Yes. Now he knows.
(PETE and MAYOR enter stage left; the CHARACTERS’ actions and words should mirror each other during the following)
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: H must be killed.
ULTRAH-MAN & PETE: Yes, he must.
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: We can’t afford to take chances.
ULTRAH-MAN & PETE: I understand.
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: But when?
ULTRAH-MAN & PETE: There is a meeting of the Brotherhood tonight.
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: Yes, after the meeting.
ULTRAH-MAN & PETE: That should work.
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: But how will you do it?
ULTRAH-MAN & PETE: I don’t know.
DR. WHITE & MAYOR: Any ideas?
(PETE shrugs)
ULTRAH-MAN: It doesn’t matter. He is no match for my strength.
DR. WHITE: That is true. Go and get some rest. (ULTRAH-MAN exits; DR. WHITE laughs) I have created a new Ultrah-Man.
PETE: Ultrah-Man was created by lightning.
MAYOR: So?
DR. WHITE: If I can get him to kill his best friend . . .
PETE: So, what do we do to ward off lightning.
MAYOR: Lightning rods! Do you think . . . <