The Altar Boy
SCENE ONE
(A chorus starts to sing the song Let There Be Peace on Earth in the dark; there are a couple bad notes in the first eight lines, on the words “peace” and “perfect harmony”)
CHORUS: Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
(There is the sound of a loud moan in the dark)
CHORUS: With God as our Father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.
(Lights up on church; parishioners are taking Communion)
CHORUS: Let peace begin with me,
Let this be the moment now.
(A woman clutches her chest and lets out another moan)
CHORUS With every step I take,
(She stumbles and falls to the floor, clutching her chest)
PARISHIONER 1: Is there a doctor in the house?!?
(DOCTOR KLEIN starts to leave the chorus to attend to her)
CHORUS: Let this be my solemn vow.
CHOIR DIRECTOR: Where do you think you’re going?
CHORUS: To take each moment
DOCTOR KLEIN: They called for a doctor.
CHORUS: And live each moment
PARISHIONER 1: Someone help her!
PARISHIONER 2 (stepping around the woman): Quiet! This is Communion time.
CHOIR DIRECTOR: You go when the song is over. We’re praising God.
CHORUS: In peace eternally.
DOCTOR KLEIN: Screw you!
PARISHIONER 1: Someone help!
(Someone pushes PARISHIONER 1 out of his way to get to Communion; they get into a shoving match; at the same time DOCTOR KLEIN and CHOIR DIRECTOR start pushing each other around)
CHORUS: Let there be peace on earth.
(The entire CHORUS starts taking sides and fighting as they finish the song)
PARISHIONER 1: Someone please!!!
CHORUS: And let it begin with me.
(A melee breaks out in both the choir loft and in the Communion line)
THEO (who has moved to the sick woman): Everyone stop it!!! (Everyone stops and looks at the altar boy) What are you doing? She’s sick. Jesus would want us to help her. Please someone, take care of her.
(DR. KLEIN has worked his way down to her; he checks her pulse and looks up at the congregation)
DR. KLEIN (to one of the men): She’s dead, Jim.
THEO (holding her in his arms like a reverse Pieta): She looks so happy.
(The CHORUS breaks back into Let There Be Peace on Earth as the lights fade to black)
SCENE TWO:
(A soloist sings Amazing Grace as the lights come up on a funeral; various people come by to view the body during the song; there are also two children sitting with Mother Superior; they are playing around and misbehaving during the song; Mother Superior cracks their knuckles with a ruler, cuffs them upside the head, slaps them, pulls their ears, and generally tries everything within her power to get them to behave).
SOLOIST: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares
We have already come;
Twas grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home.
(Father Multover stands and raises his hands; the congregation stands)
FATHER MULTOVER: Let us pray.
CONGREGATION: And also with you.
CHILD 1: Spray?
FATHER MULTOVER: Our Father Who art in Heaven.
CONGREGATION: Hail Mary, full of grace.
(Mother Superior grabs the child’s tongue and pulls at it)
FATHER MULTOVER: Hallowed be thy name.
CONGREGATION: The Lord is with thee.
FATHER MULTOVER: Thy kingdom come.
CONGREGATION: Blessed art thou.
FATHER MULTOVER: Thy will be done.
CONGREGATION: Amongst women.
(Pause)
FATHER MULTOVER: On earth as it is in Heaven.
CONGREGATION: And blessed is the fruit . . .
FATHER MULTOVER: Give us this day our daily bread.
CHILD: I’m hungry.
(Mother Superior slaps the child on the tummy)
CONGREGATION: . . . of thy womb, Jesus.
FATHER MULTOVER: And forgive us our trespasses.
CONGREGATION: Holy Mary, mother of God.
FATHER MULTOVER: As we forgive those who trespass against us.
CONGREGATION: Pray for us sinners.
FATHER MULTOVER: Lead us not into temptation.
CONGREGATION: Now and at the hour of our death.
FATHER MULTOVER: But deliver us from evil.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
FATHER MULTOVER: Amen. You may be seated.
CONGREGATION: And also with you.
FATHER MULTOVER: Also with you.
CONGREGATION: With you.
FATHER MULTOVER: You.
CONGREGATION: You.
FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.
CONGREGATION: And also amen with you.
FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
(Pause while FATHER MULTOVER stares down the congregation)
FATHER MULTOVER: We are . . . (long pause) . . . gathered here today to honor one of our beloved broth . . . (stopping himself as he sees the body) . . . sisters in the Lord. She is a sister. Was. A sister. Not a nun, sister. This . . . she . . .this woman . . . mortal . . . was a woman who was . . . was a woman who was . . . what is the word I want, she was, this woman . . . dear—that’s it!—to us . . . near to us . . . dear . . . in death, near . . . in life, body, here . . . but then we here, we here who were here, we hear, heard, we heard her hearken to her God, her heart heavy . . . then . . . dead. (Very suddenly and fast) She was alive and now she’s dead. (Long pause) And so this . . . this . . . the word . . . this woman . . . this . . . this vessel, her body, this vessel, is empty . . . (long pause) . . . happy now, a shell, an empty shell that once was full of woman is now dead. We look to answers. For. You look to me for answers. To, for. I cannot give you them, those . . . answers . . . yet, yet, yet I search the Book for truth . . . like you, search, truth . . . about life and death and the hereafter. She is dead she is gone that we know. Of that we can be true . . . sure . . . death . . . it is . . . true . . . she is gone she is dead yes we know. So what . . . now? We can hope . . . was she baptized? Hope, yes. Reality, I don’t know. Yes, I think. Is there? Life after death? Life after life? Is there life after? We must believe . . . must . . . for ourselves, for, if we don’t, then, the door . . . that door to the hereafter . . . no handle . . . if there is such . . . must be shut unless we open it . . . through Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what it’s all about. Jesus, Jesus. Our Lord and Savior. Praise be to God. Thank you.
CONGREGATION: And also with you.
FATHER MULTOVER: May she rest in peace.
CONGREGATION: And also with you.
(Pause)
FATHER MULTOVER: You.
CONGREGATION: You.
FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
(Pause; Father Multover stares at the congregation)
FATHER MULTOVER: A-men.
CONGREGATION (in the dark): Amen.
(He blesses the congregation and they start to exit; as they file out they pass by the body paying their last respects; the priest and altar boy stand next to the coffin)
WOMAN 1: Doesn’t she look wonderful?
WOMAN 2: She’d look better with a more natural base.
WOMAN 1: If I could look that good when I go.
WOMAN 2: Honey, you haven’t looked that good yet.
WOMAN 1: They could fix me up like that.
WOMAN 2: Darling, they could fix our local economy easier.
MAN: Speaking of local economy, could you ladies move it along? I have to get back to my store. I can’t afford to stay closed any longer. I’m already so far in debt I’ll only be able to recover by dying and collecting on the insurance.
WOMAN 1: I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize we were in the way.
WOMAN 2: Well, it is our last chance to say good-bye.
WOMAN 1 (touching the body lightly): Good-bye, dear friend.
WOMAN 2: I hope the next life treats you better than this one did.
(They exit; the man kneels silently for a moment, then gets up and leaves; everyone else has filed out; as THEO is about to exit his father enters; at some point during the following THEO can remove his cassock and surplice)
DAD: Hey, Theo!
THEO: Hey, Dad..
DAD: How was the funeral, son?
THEO: In’t know.
DAD: Oh, man, this brings back the memories. I used to love ‘em when I was a kid, when I was your age. (Theo gives him a quizzical, almost unbelieving look) They were fun.
THEO: Fun?
DAD: Fun, hell yeah. (FATHER MULTOVER looks at him) Forgive me, Father. (The priest exits) Anyways, yeah, fun. Did I ever tell you about the wake of my favorite aunt? It was a hoot. I tell ya I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants. I mean, here she was all laid out in front of us—may she rest in peace, the dear woman—and we were all there drinkin’ and tellin’ stories and havin’ the time of our lives. I don’t know when I ever laughed so hard.
THEO: That’s disrespectin’ her.
DAD: No, it’s what she would’ve wanted. The stories were about her, about what a good woman she was, how much fun. We all loved her—may she rest in peace—and that was our last moment to enjoy her.
THEO: Huh.
DAD: You see, funerals aren’t about the dead, they’re about the livin’. And you have ta keep doin’ that. Life goes on.
THEO: Hm.
DAD: Plus, when I was your age I was an altar boy, too. Didja ever know that? I was Father McAlear’s favorite. Used to get weddings and almost all the funerals and it was great.
THEO: Great?
DAD: Yeah, I loved it. Got outta school. Got a free lunch, usually meat sandwiches and a dessert. Got to ride in a hearse or a limo. Got a tip from the family. How much did ya make today?
THEO: Ten bucks.
DAD: See? I was lucky to get a buck, but that was a few years ago.
THEO (looking at the body): She’s dead.
DAD: Don’t get a funeral thrown for ya if ya ain’t.
THEO: I don’t think I want one.
DAD: Of course not, you’re young. Listen, I know death’s no party. It’s scary. I know you’re a sensitive boy. It’s not a fun thing. But livin’ is. It’s fun, or should be. You just gotta not die with them. Ya know what I mean?
THEO: I think so, yeah.
DAD: Besides, you made a whopping ten bucks.
THEO: Yeah.
DAD: I made out like a bandit on this one, too. Several hundred bucks from building that rosewood casket for her.
THEO: That was you?
DAD: Yeah, that was me. Whaddya think I was working on the last couple days?
THEO: It’s beautiful. It helped make her look nicer. I think she’s happy.
DAD: She better be happy about it, the price she paid. And it’s gotta be comfy for her. She’ll be sleeping in that thing for a long time to come.
THEO: Yeah.
DAD: Look, we both got some extra money. You wanna go catch a movie or somethin’? Father and son night out?
THEO: Sure.
DAD: Whaddya wanna see?
THEO: I don’t know, a comedy.
DAD: Okay, let’s go. (Dad puts his arm around Theo’s shoulder and they head out the door) You buyin’?
THEO: No.
DAD: Why not? You’re rich.
THEO: Sounds like you’re richer than me.
(They exit)
SCENE THREE:
(Lights up on a convent; SISTER MARY MASON is praying; there is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother Mary Mason, I am so sorry to disturb you.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Pollyanna, you're early.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Yes, I know.
SISTER MARY MASON: I was saying a Novena.
SISTER POLLYANNA: I'm sorry, I'll come back.
SISTER MARY MASON: No, stay.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Thank you. May I speak with you for a moment?
SISTER MARY MASON: By all means. What is it now?
SISTER POLLYANNA: May I speak honestly?
SISTER MARY MASON: A nun should speak nothing but honestly.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Thank you again, Mother. Please don’t take this wrong, but . . . SISTER MARY MASON: Yes?
SISTER POLLYANNA: Well, first of all, I simply couldn’t believe how ill-behaved those two children were at the funeral. And to think the dead woman was their aunt. But I have to say . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Yes?
SISTER POLLYANNA: I have to say I understand. They're children. I was far more shocked at your punishment of them.
SISTER MARY MASON: Whatever do you mean, dear?
SISTER POLLYANNA: You were physically abusing them.
SISTER MARY MASON: N onsense.
SISTER POLLYANNA: It seemed that way, as a bystander.
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, posh.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Well, to my eyes it seemed . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Your eyes are too young for judgment. Your eyes haven’t seen enough of life. Your eyes should maybe be washed out with soap so that they might see more clearly.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Oh, my.
SISTER MARY MASON: Lye.
SISTER POLLYANNA: I speak the truth as I see it.
SISTER MARY MASON: Lye soap, that’s what I mean.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, you are mean.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, you are naïve.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother Mason, I must protest. When the Bible says “Suffer the little children” it doesn’t mean that they should.
SISTER MARY MASON: You are schooling me in the Bible?
SISTER POLLYANNA: I’m sorry.
SISTER MARY MASON: I am an instrument of Jesus.
SISTER POLLYANNA: A beating drum, perhaps.
SISTER MARY MASON: And you are a bleeding heart. Sister, the world is harsher than you know.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, no offense, but you are old-fashioned.
SISTER MARY MASON (sternly): Sister, you are out of line . . .
SISTER POLLYANNA: Hopelessly.
SISTER MARY MASON: . . . and guilty of insubordination. Let us drop this subject now.
SISTER POLLYANNA: But Mother, the children. Someone has to stand up for them. I believe you punished them too harshly.
SISTER MARY MASON: What you believe is irrelevant. What I did was nothing, a little slap. If Sister Ralph had been there those children would be lucky to be alive. I barely touched them. Had I punished them as harshly as I should have perhaps they would not have continued to misbehave.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, with all respect, this isn’t 1960 anymore. There are laws. The church can’t get away with what it got away with in the past.
(There is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Those were the days. Let us drop it for now. Come in. (THEO enters) Theo, may I help you?
THEO: I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.
SISTER MARY MASON: Thank you, Theo. You could take the garbage out. And after that perhaps you could just pick up a bit around here. It's almost time for our weekly meeting.
THEO: Yes, Sister.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Theo, you did such a nice job at the funeral today. You always look so angelic when you’re on the altar.
THEO: Thank you, Sister.
(He turns and starts to clean)
SISTER POLLYANNA (quietly): He’s such a good boy.
SISTER MARY MASON (quietly): That’s one thing we can agree on, Sister. They don’t make them like that anymore.
SISTER POLLYANNA (quietly): No, they don’t.
(There is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
(SISTER RALPH enters)
SISTER RALPH: I see I'm not the first one here.
SISTER MARY MASON: Good evening, Sister Ralph. No, you're not. Sister Pollyanna had some business with me, and Theo is here to clean.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Yes, I . . . Good evening, Sister Ralph. How are you this evening?
SISTER RALPH: How do you think? My knees are bad. My knuckles ache. The arthritis is terrible. My body hurts all over. I'm getting old and everything hurts. Getting out of bed in the morning hurts. The Lord makes me suffer so.
SISTER POLLYANNA: It is our lot.
SISTER RALPH: Your lot, maybe. I would rather not suffer. I would rather not be a martyr to senseless pain. Our lot, hmph. (Pause) You know . . . you make me suffer more than God. It's as if you think suffering is good, as if you want to welcome it. Only those who have not suffered would dare invite it so freely. Why would you want to suffer? Think it'll get you to Heaven easier? That's hockey puck.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Sister!
SISTER RALPH: It's true. Suffering won't get you to Heaven. Praying won't get you to Heaven. Believing won't get you to Heaven. You know what'll get you to Heaven?
SISTER POLLYANNA: No, if those . . . no. I don' want to hear . . .
SISTER RALPH: Dying'll get you to Heaven, that's what. Dying and nothing more. Heaven is nothing more than the absence of earth.
SISTER POLLYANNA: I don't want to hear this. (She covers her ears) Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Ralph, I think you've gone too far. Let's not challenge Church teachings. (There is a knock at the door) Come in.
(SISTER HORTENSE enters)
SISTER HORTENSE: Hello.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Hortense, good evening.
OTHERS (except SISTER RALPH): Hi, hello, etc.
SISTER HORTENSE (timidly): Hi. (Pause) I brought my guitar.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Oh, good.
SISTER RALPH: Oh, God.
SISTER MARY MASON: Okay.
SISTER HORTENSE: Oh.
SISTER RALPH: At least she doesn't have a tambourine. Tambourines, guitars and nuns put together can make me ill. It's hockey puck.
SISTER HORTENSE: We don't have to sing.
SISTER MARY MASON: We're nuns, dear, we have to sing. Let's just try not to do it badly.
(There is a knock at the door; SISTER POLLYANNA and SISTER HORTENSE cross away from the others)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
(SISTERS MARY MARY and MARY KAY enter)
SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY: We brought tambourines!
SISTER POLLYANNA: Great!
SISTER RALPH: He brings me more suffering.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Let's sing.
ALL (except SISTER RALPH): Yeah, let's do it, sing, etc. (SISTER HORTENSE starts playing) I saw raindrops on my window;
Joy is like the rain.
Bit by bit the river grows
Til all at once it overflows;
Joy is like the rain.
SISTER RALPH (stopping them): No! Please! Can you all sing after I leave; that's not what I came here for. I hate singing.
SISTER MARY MARY: But singing puts us closer to God.
SISTER MARY KAY: It glorifies him.
SISTER RALPH: Not when it's bad.
SISTER MARY MASON: Okay, we have a disagreement. If Sister Ralph doesn't want to sing we don't have to sing. (To Sister Ralph) But Sister, wouldn't you like to sing for a little bit?
SISTER RALPH: No, I'm here for our weekly get-together.
SISTER MARY MASON: Okay, then, we won't sing.
SISTER MARY KAY: We can sing later.
SISTER MARY MARY: We can sing together. We can wait.
SISTER POLLYANNA: I'll sing with you. I like to sing.
SISTER RALPH: I'll tell you what I'd like . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, let's not.
SISTER MARY KAY: Let's get down to business. We didn't come here to sing, but we can do that later.
SISTER MARY MARY: She's right.
SISTER HORTENSE: We don't have to sing.
SISTER RALPH: Who brought the chips? (Silence; nobody speaks) Who was supposed to bring the chips?
SISTER HORTENSE: It may have been me.
SISTER RALPH: That figures. She brings a guitar and forgets the chips.
SISTER HORTENSE: I think I forgot. Maybe I forgot. If it was me.
SISTER RALPH: Well, we can't play poker without chips.
SISTER MARY MASON: We can use buttons or beads or something.
SISTER HORTENSE: I think I forgot the deck of cards, too.
SISTER RALPH: That figures. This is hockey puck. I'm leaving.
SISTER MARY KAY: Wait.
(SISTER RALPH exits)
SISTER MARY MASON: Well, ladies, God has a plan. Things happen for a reason. I was very tired tonight, anyway, so maybe this was His way of telling me to get some sleep. I think we'll just wait and play again next week. Sister Mary Kay, would you bring the cards and chips next week?
SISTER MARY KAY: Sure, but why don't we just keep them here?
SISTER MARY MASON: I wouldn't want Father Multover to see them when he stops in for his chats.
SISTER MARY KAY: Next week, then.
SISTER POLLYANNA: Sister Hortense, maybe we could go to your room to sing.
SISTER HORTENSE: Sure, I'd like that.
(They all exit, saying good nights and good-byes as they go)
THEO: Sister Mary Mason?
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, Theo, I forgot you were here. Please don't tell Father Multover about poker.
THEO: I won't.
SISTER MARY MASON: Thank you. I forgot you were here. I think you've done a good job of cleaning this week. If you'd like you can go home now. Or to the nursing home. I know you go there to visit a couple times a week.
THEO: Not tonight.
(He doesn't move)
SISTER MARY MASON: I know you like to work,Theo, but really you can go home. If you don't have to go the nursing home you can go right home. Your work is done. It looks fine.
THEO: Thank you.
(He doesn't move)
SISTER MARY MASON: Theo, is something wrong?
THEO: Can I ask you something?
SISTER MARY MASON: Certainly. That's what I'm here for.
THEO: I don't get death.
SISTER MARY MASON: The multiplication tables I could answer. This? I don't know. What do you mean? I guess it depends on what you mean.
THEO: I mean I don't get it. Things can't just end, but they can't go on forever either.
SISTER MARY MASON: But things do go on forever, people go on forever, in God's arms.
THEO: When I think of infinity, or when I try to think of it, I get this scary feeling. It's like an empty pit in my stomach. My heart kind of stops, skips a beat or something. And then I have to stop.
SISTER MARY MASON: Stop?
THEO: Thinking about it.
SISTER MARY MASON: Is it because of your mother?
THEO: Sister, how do you believe?
SISTER MARY MASON: It's called faith, my boy. It's simply believing. If you question too much it is scary. I know that.
THEO: I don't know.
SISTER MARY MASON: It's like this. When you go to bed at night you know you're going to sleep and you know you're going to wake up in the morning. Don't you? If you didn't you wouldn't be able to go to bed, especially if you had no faith in God. Or at least you wouldn't be able to sleep. Faith is going to bed and knowing that the sun is going to rise in the morning and you are going to be there with it.
THEO: That woman who died in the church, she looked happy.
SISTER MARY MASON: She was a woman of faith. I knew her.
THEO: But how do you know she's all right?
SISTER MARY MASON: I don't, but I believe. Theo, even if there were nothing beyond this, she died happy in her faith. That I know. What more can we ask for than that those we love are happy at the end?
THEO: I don't know, that they won't be alone after that?
SISTER MARY MASON: God will take them. God has your mother and the woman from the church. You just have to believe.
(Silence)
THEO: Thank you, Sister.
SISTER MARY MASON: You're welcome, Theo. Good night.
(He exits; she kneels down to pray)
SCENE FOUR
(Lights up on church; parishioners are taking Communion; they file past the priest; Theo accidentally slices a man's throat with the paten as the man takes Communion; the man grabs his throat as he heads back to his seat; Theo looks at the paten and notices blood on it; he quickly wipes the paten off on his cassock; after the man gets back to his pew he looks at his hand and sees that he is bleeding)
2nd MAN (screaming): I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding! I'm dying!
(He falls)
PARISHIONER 3: He's dying! He's bleeding!
PARISHIONER 4: He's bleeding!
PARISHIONER 3: Murder!
PARISHIONER 4: Murder!
PARISHIONER 3: Is there a doc in the house?
PARISHIONER 4: Is there a cop in the house?
WOMAN 3: It's a church.
(DOCTOR KLEIN makes her way through everyone and examines the body)
DR. KLEIN: He's dead, Tim.
(DETECTIVE NOBLE pushes his way through the crowd)
NOBLE: Noble here, detective, police. Back off. This is a crime scene. (Yelling to the priest) Father, I'm afraid Mass is over, Father. This is a crime scene now.
FATHER MULTOVER: But you can't . . . this is a Catholic . . . we're not done . . .
NOBLE: I'm afraid you are, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: Commandment . . . keep holy the Sabbath . . . we . . . well, at least Communion was done.
NOBLE: Communion is done. Church is over. Everyone needs to pray, but not here. (To people who are trying to edge closer to the body as the lights start to dim) Back off everyone, this is a crime scene now.
PARISHIONER 5: Oh, this ain't no big city thingamajig. This is just us.
NOBLE: Big city or small, we have to do it right. There has to be an investigation. (To the bystanders as the lights go to black) You, tell me, who was close to the body? Who else had seats in this pew? Were you here?
(Lights are black)
SCENE FIVE
(Lights up on a darkened church; there is a small amount of light spilling from a confessional behind the curtain stage left, as well as the hint of candlelight from off stage right; THEO enters and crosses to the curtain; he kneels in front of it; FATHER MULTOVER is behind the curtain the whole time)
THEO: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been about a day since my last confession.
FATHER MULTOVER: A day?
THEO: Yes, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: Son, you generally have to go to confession once every week or so, not every day. Some people go months, or years, though they shouldn't. Unless it's a special occasion like Christmas or Easter or you did something terrible like kill someone. (Silence) Other than that once a week is fine. So, unless . . .
(Pause)
THEO: Father, you're sworn to secrecy, right?
FATHER MULTOVER: Yes.
THEO: I mean, if someone tells you something, even if it's something bad like selling drugs or breaking the law, you can't tell, right?
FATHER MULTOVER: Yes. Otherwise people would be afraid to confess as they should.
THEO: Even if it's something like murder?
FATHER MULTOVER: That's right, even if it's something like murder, although nobody's ever confessed that one to me.
THEO: Then I killed someone.
(Pause)
FATHER MULTOVER: Okay, well, there's a first time for everything. What do I . . . you know that's wrong . . . right? . . . life is sacred and you . . . you can't . . . murder . . . murder is . . . sixth commandment . . . fourth . . . fifth . . . fourth . . . no, it's . . .
THEO: I didn't mean to.
FATHER MULTOVER: . . . it's . . . mean to what?
THEO: Mean to kill him. It was an accident. My hand slipped.
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, that's good. That helps.
THEO: And then he was bleeding and I got scared. It happened in church today.
FATHER MULTOVER: There was a killing in our church today.
THEO: Yes, I know.
FATHER MULTOVER: You heard about that?
THEO: That's what I'm talking about, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: Oh, you . . . I see . . . that . . . the one in our church . . . that was you . . . an accident . . . that slit throat . . . an accident.
THEO: Yeah. What's my penance?
FATHER MULTOVER: Penance? I don't know. The thing is, you should turn yourself in. But I can understand your fear if it was indeed an accident. And, well, I shouldn't be saying this . . . if it'll make you feel better . . . it's probably a relief for his family. He was a terrible alcoholic and womanizer. He beat his kids. He probably shouldn't have been allowed the sacrament. So his misery is done and his family is free of him. I shouldn't . . . maybe I shouldn't . . . be making those judgements, but I'm sure it's all for the best.
THEO: I hope so, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: So, if it were murder . . . then . . . then your penance would be steep. Or, if it were an upstanding Christian man . . . then . . . then I think . . . your penance would be dear. But given the circumstances . . . I can't hardly blame . . . I mean, I can blame . . . there can be blame . . . God can blame . . . I don't know. It's up to God. God must have decided it was that man's time. So, let's say 50 Our Fathers, 150 Hail Marys, and an Act of Contrition. I've never had one like this, so . . . so . . . I don't really know the appropriate penalty.
THEO: Oh, and I lied once since yesterday.
FATHER MULTOVER: Add an Our Father and Hail Mary and we'll be done with it. And please, please, don't come back tomorrow.
THEO: Thank you, Father. For these and all my sins I am sorry.
FATHER MULTOVER: Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord. Wait. Actually, why don't you throw in a rosary, too? Would that be okay?
THEO: Sure, Father, thanks. (Pause) Can I ask you something?
FATHER MULTOVER: Sure.
THEO: I like saying the rosary. I like praying. It brings me closer to God. Why is praying considered a punishment?
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, it's not . . . praying . . . it's not . . . good . . . question. Your question. Good. You're right. Penance is not punishment. Its purpose is to bring you closer to God. Go in peace. God bless you.
THEO: Thank you, Father.
(THEO exits; lights up on the church; townspeople are gathering for a community meeting; FATHER MULTOVER comes out from behind the curtain; THEO re-enters with DAD)
FATHER MULTOVER (after everyone is in place): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to St. Tarcisius Catholic Church. I know some of you are not Catholics. (Pause; then with a forced laugh) Don't let the statues scare you. We opened up the Church only because it's the largest place in town—larger than the Methodist church even—large enough to hold an all-community meeting. Thanks for coming. (With another forced laugh) Feel free to come back again on Sunday. (No response; pause) Thanks. Now, here is our esteemed mayor, Mayor Burger.
MAYOR BURGER: Thank you, Father. Guys and gals, we're here tonight because our town has seen something we never thought we'd see and that's a murder. We don't know how to deal with these things. We don't have experience. So the grief counselor from the capital suggested we have a community meeting to talk about it, air things out, get things out on the table, and to stop rumors before they take wings, or after they've gotten started, but before they have a chance to gain steam, or after that, but before everyone in town knows everything for sure when nothing's really known. So to stop all that before it starts we're here to give you what we know and to answer what we can. We're doing this with experts like Dr. Klein. You all know Dr. Klein. She brought a lot of you into the world and has taken a lot of your friends and family out of it. Here's Dr. Klein now to give you the medical low-down on this killing.
DR. KLEIN (stepping up): Thank you, Honorable Mayor Burger. I am here to tell you what we know about the murder at Sunday's Mass. First of all, it was a murder, committed with a sharp instrument. The victim's throat was slit and the jugular vein was cut. The victim lost too much blood before it was even noticed that he had been cut. There was a massive blood loss. That's all.
MAYOR BURGER: Okay, now Detective Noble of our very own police department who is heading up the investigation.
NOBLE: We know a man is dead. We know his throat was brutally cut. As the doctor so medically described. We have no motive, except that a lot of people thought he was a bastard. (There is a gasp from the crowd) It's true. Everyone knew it. Even his own family. So there were people with a motive. A lot of people with a motive. But for opportunity it appears there were only a few people anywhere near him when this tragic thing happened. All of those people are the primary suspects and are under investigation. That's all I can tell you for now. Mayor?
MAYOR BURGER: There you go, the experts. Are there any questions?
CITIZEN 1: Was he dead in the church?
DR. KLEIN: Yes, before either Detective Noble or I got to him.
DAD: I have a son who is an altar boy in this church. What are you doing to protect the children?
CITIZEN 2: I have three children.
DAD: How do we know our children are safe in our own houses?
CITIZEN 2: I have three houses.
DAD: And what about our businesses?
CITIZEN 2: I have three businesses.
DAD: What are you doing to protect us?
MAYOR BURGER: I'm leaving that to the cops.
NOBLE: We're here to protect and serve and we'll do that. We're cops. It's our job.
SISTER RALPH: But what are you doing? You didn't answer his question.
NOBLE: We can't answer that in the interests of protecting community security. Any other questions?
FATHER MULTOVER: Could it have been an accident?
NOBLE: No. Next?
FATHER MULTOVER: No possibility at all?
NOBLE: No. Next?
FATHER MULTOVER: Absolutely?
NOBLE: No. Next. And this time someone other than Father Multover.
CITIZEN 1: You said the man's family hated him. Could it have been a murder for hire?
NOBLE: Anything's possible. We're investigating every possibility.
FATHER MULTOVER: Including an accident?
NOBLE: No, next.
SISTER MORGAN: What kind of tools do you have to investigate?
NOBLE: I'm not sure what you mean.
SISTER MORGAN: First of all, how do you know it wasn't an accident?
NOBLE: The man's throat was slit.
SISTER MORGAN: Have you ever conducted a murder investigation before?
NOBLE: No, we don't have murders here every day.
SISTER MORGAN: Then how do you know?
MAYOR BURGER: Who are you?
SISTER MORGAN: I am Sister Morgan Superior of the Vatican. I was sent here to investigate this crime. It happened on church property so the church wants to get to the bottom of it.
(There is a general hub-bub of discussion among the citizens)
NOBLE: This is an official police investigation.
SISTER RALPH: And this is our church.
SISTER MORGAN: The church is only interested in the truth.
NOBLE: Just don't interfere with my official investigation and we can be friends, Sister.
SISTER RALPH: Just don't get in my way and we won't be enemies.
SISTER MARY MASON: Father, is there anything else we need to discuss?
FATHER MULTOVER: No, Mother Mason, I believe we're done.
MAYOR BURGER: Thank you everyone for coming today. Let the healing begin.
CITIZENS: Amen.
(Blackout)
CITIZEN 1 (in the dark): Wait, I'm a psychiatrist. Doesn't anyone want to talk about their feelings?
SCENE SIX
(Lights up on a nursing home; several old people are sitting around; THEO enters)
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Good afternoon, Theo. It's good to see you again.
THEO: Hi.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Who are you visiting today?
THEO: I don't know. Who's the loneliest?
NURSE SHAWCROSS (laughing): Me, but you're too young. So who are you visiting?
THEO (nervously laughing): I don't know yet.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: You know, nobody ever comes to visit me. They visit all the old hags who don't even know they're here and they ignore me. You ignore me. It's not fair.
THEO: I s'pose not.
(Pause)
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Well, I'm sure you'll find the person who needs you the most.
THEO: Thanks.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: And I'm sure she'll be younger than me.
THEO (chuckling): I doubt it.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I'll be around if you need me.
THEO (smiling slightly): Okay. (Pause) I'm gonna go find somebody.
(He exits)
NURSE SHAWCROSS (turning to one of the old ladies): He's such a lady-killer, isn't he?
OLD LADY: What? What?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I said he's a . . .
OLD LADY: What?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Lady . . . never mind.
OLD LADY: I want to go to my room.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Okay, I'll take you. I'll walk you there. Come on.
OLD LADY: Thank you, Miss Shawcross.
(NURSE SHAWCROSS exits with OLD LADY and THEO re-enters; he crosses to MRS. MILLER, who is sitting in a wheel chair; MR. POLCRATZ is also still sleeping in his chair)
THEO: Hi. How ya doin'?
MRS. MILLER: Oh, fine, yeah fine. I'm doing fine.
THEO: Good, that's nice to hear.
MRS. MILLER: When I was a girl my daddy died. Did I ever tell you that?
THEO: No, I don't think so. I don't know.
MRS. MILLER (suddenly): Who are you? Who the hell are you?
THEO: Theo, Ma'am.
MRS. MILLER: Theo. Do I know you?
THEO: We've talked before. I stop by once in a while.
MRS. MILLER: When I was a girl my daddy died, my daddy died, my daddy died.
THEO: Yeah.
MRS. MILLER: My daddy died and went to Heaven.
THEO: Yeah.
MRS. MILLER: I miss my daddy. I want to go to Heaven.
THEO: I understand. My mom's there . . . I think.
MRS. MILLER: Your mama died? (He nods quietly) You're too young to be without a mama. You poor, dear boy. When I was your age my daddy died. Died and went to Heaven. (Long pause) I'm so sad. (Pause) And pathetic. (Pause) I am.
THEO (taking her hand): I understand. I'm sad about my mom too.
MRS. MILLER: Who are you?
THEO: Theo.
MRS. MILLER: I don't think I know you. You don't know me. You wouldn't know it but when I was a younger woman I was pretty. (He smiles) Really, I was very pretty. All the boys wanted me. I had a dress. It was so pretty.
THEO: I'm sure it was.
MRS. MILLER: I'm old now, old.
THEO: No, you're not so old.
MRS. MILLER: I'm old. When I was a girl my daddy died and it's been 70 years. I've been old for 70 years, alone for 70 years. (A sudden shift in mood) Mama! I'm hungry! I'm really hungry!
THEO: I think Nurse Shawcross is getting dinner ready.
MRS. MILLER: If I go to Heaven I can ask my daddy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. When I was a girl me and my daddy danced. (She laughs suddenly) Oh, he would lift me up and twirl me around. (She cries) Yes, yes, lift me up. Oh, God, I want to die. I just want to die.
(Long pause)
THEO (standing and taking her arm): Let's go for a walk.
MRS. MILLER: I like to walk, but it's so hard these days. That's why I use the chair most of the time. You have to hold me close.
THEO: I know.
MRS. MILLER: Who are you again?
THEO: Theo. Look, I want to show you something.
MRS. MILLER: What is it?
THEO: I don't know, it's a dress. It's your old dress.
MRS. MILLER: Oh, oh, I haven't seen that dress in years. I was so pretty in it. Really, I was.
THEO: I know. I want to see.
MRS. MILLER: You make me so happy, Theo.
THEO: I try. Come here. It's downstairs. (He opens the door/curtain and pushes her through) Sorry, I'm so sorry.
(THEO crosses to MR. POLCRATZ and wheels him out opposite; NURSE SHAWCROSS re-enters and goes to her desk; she looks around, then goes back to paperwork; THEO re-enters with MR. POLCRATZ)
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Ah, Theo, you came back to me.
THEO: Yeah. I was just talking to Mr. Polcratz.
(THEO wheels MR. POLCRATZ back to his spot and then crosses back to NURSE SHAWCROSS)
THEO: Well, I should be going.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: So you went with Mr. Polcratz today.
THEO: Yeah, he seemed lonely.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: He's always lonely.
THEO: Yeah.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I don't know why you bother visiting him. He has no memory. He won't remember you were here within 10 minutes.
THEO: Yeah, I know.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: So what's the point?
THEO: He's happy while I'm here.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: You're such a good boy.
(NOBLE and CORONER enter, cross quickly, and exit out other side)
NURSE SHAWCROSS (referring to the cross of Noble and Coroner): I wonder what that's all about.
THEO: I don't know. Looked like they were in a hurry, though.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Sure did.
THEO: Well, I should go.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Come back again soon.
THEO: I will.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Come back and visit me.
(THEO smiles and exits; NURSE enters)
NURSE: Nurse Shawcross, someone just found a body at the bottom of the stairs.
NURSE SHAWCROSS (crossing): Oh, dear God, I just left for a second.
(Noble and Coroner enter from the area of the stairs)
NOBLE (to Nurse Shawcross): You, what were you doing when this happened?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I was helping with the food.
NOBLE: Who else was here?
NURSE: I was.
NOBLE: Who else?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Why?
NOBLE: There's a woman at the bottom of the stairs.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Who?
NURSE: Mrs. Miller.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: What was she doing there? That's off limits. She never goes near there.
CORONER: She's dead.
NOBLE: Maybe someone took her there. Maybe someone pushed her. (Crosses to MR. POLCRATZ in chair) Excuse me, Sir. Sir! Sir! Oh, my God, another one!
(NURSE SHAWCROSS crosses to MR. POLCRATZ and shakes him violently)
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Mr. Polcratz, wake up! It's time to wake up!
NOBLE: You, old man, what have you been doing?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Sleeping.
MR. POLCRATZ: Huh? Huh? Ah, eee, uuh, uh.
NOBLE: Answer me.
MR. POLCRATZ: Uya, uh, uya.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: He doesn't speak.
NOBLE: Oh. O.K. We're gonna leave, but I'm coming back later to investigate this. I wanna know everyone who was here and what they were doing.
(They exit; the two nurses cross and look down the stairs as the lights go to black)
SCENE SEVEN
(Lights up on church; the town is having another meeting)
DR. KLEIN: There were massive contusions, multiple bruises and breaks. She was an old woman and she fell down an entire flight of stairs. There is bound to be some heavy damage in that case. And there was, particularly cranial damage. Had she lived we believe there may have been permanent brain damage, though we're not sure if that would have been the result of the fall. Also, two of her fingernails were badly damaged. We believe that was from the fall.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: But was she pushed? That's the question.
DR. KLEIN: I'm a doctor, not a detective.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: So I'm a nurse. What's your point?
NOBLE: I'll take it from here. The coroner has determined that the cause of death is undetermined.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I could have figured a 90-year old woman falling down a flight of stairs might lead to death. But was she pushed?
NOBLE: Undetermined as far as whether she was pushed or fell. We're still investigating. What we've got is three deaths, none of which have been shown to be murders at this time. One of them had enemies, especially those closest to him. The others appear to have been loved. There's no evidence of murder and there's no apparent motive. The coroner says undetermined.
SISTER MORGAN: Who is the coroner?
CORONER: I am.
SISTER MORGAN: From what medical college did you get your degree?
CORONER: I didn't.
SISTER MORGAN: What are your qualifications?
CORONER: I was elected.
SISTER MORGAN: Why?
SISTER RALPH: I've wondered that very thing.
CORONER: Because I got the most votes.
SISTER MORGAN: I don't believe you're qualified.
MAYOR BURGER: For what? She's the best plumber in the county.
SISTER MORGAN: So she can fix pipes. Who says she can deal with death?
DAD: Who says anyone can deal with death?
SISTER RALPH: Who says she can fix pipes?
FATHER MULTOVER: Hold it! Hold it! I think we've gotten a little off track. The point is . . . reason . . . the point is . . . something about death . . . the point is . . . oh, what the hell is the point?
SISTER MARY MASON: The point, Father, is that three people in our community have died in just the last couple weeks. Neighboring communities are starting to call our town Death Valley. Three people in a matter of days. The first one appears to be from natural causes, although I think we may want to go back and look at it closer now. The second one we were told was a murder, although Father, you were convinced it was an accident, but won't say why or what you think happened. It sure looked like a murder. The third one appears to have been an accident, but may have been a murder made to look like a fall. We may never know. The point is three people have died and it's causing us to argue amongst ourselves. We are a Christian people. Death should bring us closer to each other and to God. Death should be a healing thing.
SISTER RALPH: Physician, heal thyself.
DR. KLEIN: What did she say? (Pause; no answer) No, really, what did she say?
SISTER MARY MASON: I said that death should be healing, that's the point.
DAD: The point is that all this death is saving a dying town.
MAYOR BURGER: I wish folks would quit saying that. This is not and was not a dying town. This is not Death Valley. This is a vibrant, growing place. This is a town on the cusp of manhood.
SISTER RALPH: That is hockey puck. This town makes the dinosaurs' extinction look like a short hibernation.
DAD: Well, the hibernation is over, sister, 'cause I gotta tell ya, I've made more money in the last couple weeks than in the last half year before that. And I'm not the only one. The floral shop is doin' bang-up business, the funeral home, of course, the padre here. Hell, even my boy is bringing home tip money from grieving families. The restaurant's catering again, the tailor, the dry cleaner. And all those people are spending their money on movies, food, electronics, and those shop owners are spending on other things. This town's doin' well. We're only dyin' if the dyin' stops.
SISTER MORGAN: What are you suggesting?
MAYOR BURGER: That's the craziest thing I ever heard.
NOBLE: Are you suggesting killing people for a better life?
DAD: I'm suggesting nothin', except that that might be your motive.
(There is a general hubbub of conversation)
NOBLE: Well, anyway, that's all we know for now.
MAYOR BURGER: Any other questions or comments?
THEO: I don't know if you wanna hear from a kid . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Of course we do, Theo, shoot.
THEO: I think death is natural.
MAYOR BURGER: What's that supposed to mean?
THEO: That maybe you're all making too much fuss about it. My whole life I hear people sayin' that death comes in threes and then when it really does everyone freaks out. Maybe it was just their time. Maybe God just said, "I wanna call them home" and then He did it. Maybe everyone should just chill.
SISTER RALPH: I think the kid may have a point.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: From the mouths of babes.
MAYOR BURGER: Okay, then, meeting adjourned. Everyone go home and go to bed.
NOBLE: But make sure to lock your doors. It may not have been their time. Good night.
(The townspeople exit talking among themselves until only THEO and DAD are left on stage)
DAD: Son, I'm proud of ya for sayin' what you had to say.
THEO: You too, Dad.
DAD: Yeah, well, I meant it. I don't wish no ill will on anyone, you know, but man, the last couple weeks we've been doin' well. How much did ya make on Mrs. Miller's funeral?
THEO: They gave me twenty bucks.
DAD: And a free lunch, I'll bet.
THEO: Yeah.
DAD: Ham?
THEO: Ham.
DAD: Potato salad?
THEO: Potato salad.
DAD: Chocolate cake?
THEO: Pudding.
DAD: That's not so bad.
THEO: Nah, I liked it.
DAD: So I'm doin' well, too. I mean, think about it, you and I, we've been eating pretty well lately. We've had some extra money. Like I said, I don't wish nobody harm, but if this keeps up I might get outta debt. Our county coroner told me the same thing.
THEO: I don't see how that ties in.
DAD: Well, I think it's just that everyone else has more to go around.
THEO: Yeah.
DAD: And I don't mean disrespect or anything, but none of those people will be missed. One of 'em was hated, the other two were old. How much were they still contributing to society? God could probably use them better.
THEO: Makes sense to me.
DAD: Well, hey, whatcha doin' right now? Wanna go catch a movie again?
THEO: Sure, but I don't want to see a comedy today.
DAD: Your choice. You buying?
THEO: No, you're the rich one.
(They exit)
SCENE EIGHT
(Lights up on the convent; SISTER MARY MASON is praying; there is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
(FATHER MULTOVER enters with SISTER MORGAN SUPERIOR)
FATHER MULTOVER: Sorry to disturb you, Mother.
SISTER MARY MASON: I was attempting a novena.
FATHER MULTOVER: Ah, praying for the end of the murders.
SISTER MARY MASON: Actually, no, it was a crop thing. For the spring.
FATHER MULTOVER: Little early for that . . . I think . . . winter . . . dead . . .
SISTER MORGAN: It's always a good time to pray for crops, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: Yes, I guess . . . farmers . . . lifeblood . . . I've been praying about the murders. Anyway, Sister Mason . . . Mother . . . Mother Mary Mason . . . I'd like to introduce you to Mother Superior. No . . . Sister . . . Sister Superior . . . Sister Morgan Superior. She'll be your guest during her investigation.
SISTER MARY MASON: But Father, I only have one spare cot.
FATHER MULTOVER: She is a guest of our church. I have but one bed . . . and . . . well, that wouldn't be good, I don't think . . . I mean, a priest and a nun . . . it's . . . people would talk. They would make jokes. I could see some jokes there.
SISTER MARY MASON: I understand, Father. Sister, will a cot do for you?
SISTER MORGAN: I don't need a cot. At the Vatican my bed is a stone floor. This will be a comfort.
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, no, I insist you take a cot.
SISTER MORGAN: It is something I promised when I took my vows. I can't. But thanks, Sister.
FATHER MULTOVER: I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you have a lot in common.
SISTER MARY MASON: Yes, we're nuns, Catholic, both of us.
FATHER MULTOVER: I'm Catholic, too! (Beat) Oh, I get it. I know that. I guess you knew that, too. Well, good night.
SISTER MARY MASON & SISTER MORGAN: Good night, Father.
(He exits; there is a long, uncomfortable silence)
SISTER MORGAN: Sister, I'll just come right out and ask it. Why don't you like me?
SISTER MARY MASON: I beg your pardon?
SISTER MORGAN: Listen, Sister, I'm trained to be observant. It's part of my job. I notice everything, including behavioral patterns, body language, the way words are put together.
SISTER MARY MASON: Hmm, words.
SISTER MORGAN: Or not put together, as in Father Multover's case.
SISTER MARY MASON: Well, I never said I didn't like you.
SISTER MORGAN: Yes, you did. Just not with words. You and that Sister Ralph. And that's okay. I'm used to it. You, you're scared of me, Sister. I can see it. Sister Ralph, she's threatened by me, a different kind of fear, but fear nonetheless. Maybe, Sister, you are a little threatened, too. Just a bit.
SISTER MARY MASON: I don't believe so.
SISTER MORGAN: If you say so, Sister.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Morgan, I must insist that you call me by the appropriate title. I am Mother Mary Mason. You are a guest, but I am the Mother Superior of this convent.
SISTER MORGAN: Well, I would prefer that you call me Sister Morgan Superior rather than just Sister Morgan.
SISTER MARY MASON: But you are Sister Morgan.
SISTER MORGAN: And you are Sister Mary Mason.
SISTER MARY MASON: Yes, I took my vows as Sister Mary Mason, but now that I am the head of this convent I would prefer to be called Mother Mary Mason, or even Mother Mason, maybe even Mother Mary, though that could be interpreted badly, but not Sister Mary Mason.
SISTER MORGAN: You are a sister, just like me.
SISTER MARY MASON: Yes, I am first and foremost a nun, just as the Pope is first and foremost a priest. But there are rules of decorum in the church hierarchy.
SISTER MORGAN: I’ll make you a deal. I will call you Mother Mason if you call me Sister Superior.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, you don’t understand. There can only be one Superior.
SISTER MORGAN: And that is God. The rest of us are equal under His eyes.
(There is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Very well, Sister, you may call me whatever you'd like. You're right. I'm being prideful. It's not that important.
SISTER MORGAN: I will respect your wishes, Mother Mason.
(There is a second knock)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
THEO (entering): Evening.
SISTER MARY MASON: Theo, is it that day of the week already?
THEO: Yes, Sister, it is.
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, my.
THEO: Is there anything for me to do?
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, the usual cleanup, I guess. Are you sure it's the right day?
THEO: I'm pretty sure. I saw some of the other sisters coming this way.
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh. Sister Superior, this is Theo. Theo, this is Sister Superior.
SISTER MORGAN: You may call me Sister Morgan, Theo. Pleased to meet you.
THEO: Likewise. You're here investigating the killings, huh?
SISTER MORGAN: Yes, I am.
THEO (not giving her a chance to answer): Wow. How do you do that? How do you look for clues? What do you do to find out who done it? Have you ever solved one? A real murder? What were the killers like? Did you know who it was right away?
SISTER MARY MASON: Theo, Theo, Sister Morgan is tired. Maybe another time.
THEO: Yes, Ma'am.
(He crosses and exits; he will come in and out of the remainder of the scene)
SISTER MORGAN: He asks a lot of questions, a very curious boy.
SISTER MARY MASON: He's usually very quiet. I've never seen him like that. Except maybe last week when he was asking me all sorts of questions about death.
SISTER MORGAN: Death? Who is he?
SISTER MARY MASON: He's an altar boy, Father's favorite. He's an angel, really. He cleans up around here, does Mass all the time, visits the nursing home, does a lot of . . .
SISTER MORGAN: Visits the nursing home?
SISTER MARY MASON: Yes, once or twice a week. He doe sother charity . . . wait, you're not . . . oh, I think you may have gotten the wrong idea, Sister. You see, his mother passed away a year or so ago. He's naturally curious about what happened to her. That first woman who died in church, she collapsed in the aisle trying to get to Communion and he was the one who went to tend to her. He said she was smiling when she passed and he asked me why she would smile. That's all. He's a good boy.
SISTER MORGAN: I see.
(There is a knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
SISTER MORGAN: It's my job to look at everything, you understand.
(SISTER RALPH enters)
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Ralph, how good of you to stop by. This is . . .
SISTER RALPH: Yes, I know, Columbo of the Vatican.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister.
SISTER RALPH: I'm sorry, I'm not feeling very neighborly today.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, I think you should apologize.
SISTER MORGAN (to Sister Mary Mason): No need to. (To Sister Ralph) I like your spunk, Sister.
SISTER RALPH: Aw, hockey puck. It's not spunk. It's age and irritation. It's youthful optimism shattered by reality. It's being tired of everything from the Vatican. When are they going to wake up over there? Vatican Two brought us out of the Dark Ages and we're still centuries behind.
SISTER MORGAN: It's not so bad.
(There is a knock at the door)
SISTER RALPH: Not so bad? They just pardoned Galileo. We came out of the Dark Ages 40 years ago and we're already heading back to it. They're going to start taking people like me, who aren't afraid to say what's on their minds, and burn us at the stake again.
(There is another knock at the door)
SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.
SISTER RALPH: We haven't had a good Inquisition for a while, but here we are in a small town in a new millennium with our very own Grand Inquisitor, Sister Superior to all others.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister!! Stop it! This is a guest.
(SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY enter)
SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY: We brought kazoos.
(SISTERS POLLYANNA & HORTENSE enter)
SISTER POLLYANNA: We brought ourselves.
SISTER RALPH: Who brought the cards?
SISTER MARY MASON: Sisters, I don't think we'll be playing this week. We have a guest. Let's just sing.
SISTER MORGAN: Playing?
SISTER RALPH: Poker, dear, but don't tell the Pope.
(SISTER HORTENSE starts playing Dominique and she and SISTERS POLLYANNA, MARY KAY, and MARY MARY start singing it)
Dominique, nique, nique over the land he plods
And sings a little song;
Never asking for reward;
He just talks about the Lord,
He just talks about the Lord.
SISTER RALPH: Stop! (They all stop singing and freeze) Please, stop! I'm going to puke. I'm going to wretch. I can't take the Singing Nun. I can't take singing nuns. Please don't torture me like that.
SISTER MARY MARY: You need to relax and enjoy God's music.
SISTER MARY KAY: Let the sun shine down on you.
SISTER RALPH: "Sister Sourire's dead, she's dead, it was about time."
(Long pause)
SISTER POLLYANNA: That was unpleasant.
SISTER RALPH: So are you, dear.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Ralph, I think that's enough.
SISTER RALPH: You're right. It's hockey puck. It's time for me to get my aching bones to bed. Good night, Sisters.
(She exits)
SISTER POLLYANNA: Why does she have to be like that?
SISTER MARY MASON: It's part of her charm. Let's not be judgmental. People are who they are for many reasons.
SISTER MORGAN: I like her.
SISTER MARY KAY: Sister Superior, are you really a murder investigator?
SISTER MORGAN: I am. That's part of what I do. Mostly I investigate other issues.
SISTER MARY MARY: Such as?
SISTER MARY MASON: Let's not.
SISTER MORGAN: Right, let's not.
SISTER MARY KAY: Where do you start?
SISTER MORGAN: With the obvious, such as how many people were seen where all three deaths took place.
SISTER MARY KAY: And?
SISTER MARY MARY: And?
SISTER MORGAN: Well, pretty much every Catholic in town was at Mass during the deaths of the first two. That's a lot of suspects. But there are only a couple dozen who were known to also be at the nursing home. Your likely suspect is one of those people.
SISTER HORTENSE: Who?
SISTER MORGAN: Well, I don't want to point fingers, because it can only be one of those. But to give you something to think about your altar boy, Theo, was visiting there, Sister Ralph was visiting there, and Sister—I mean Mother—Mother Mary Mason was doing rounds. Those are just a few who have to be looked at.
SISTER MARY MASON: And a couple dozen other people.
SISTER MORGAN: Yes, a couple dozen.
SISTER MARY MASON: Okay, Sisters, our guest has had a long day. Why don't you go sing in Sister Hortense's room so we can sleep?
(They get up saying their good-byes and exit, singing Dominique once more as they go)
SISTER MORGAN: I am tired. Thank you.
SISTER MARY MASON: Was it vitally necessary to throw suspicion onto their Mother Superior? I have enough trouble sometimes.
SISTER MORGAN: I didn't accuse anyone. If you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to worry about. I simply stated a few people I know to have been there.
THEO: Sister, I'm done.
SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, Theo, you scared me. I always forget you're still here. You're so quiet.
THEO: Sister Superior, can I ask one thing?
SISTER MORGAN: Sure.
THEO: If you catch someone will they die?
SISTER MORGAN: Well, I . . .
THEO: Never mind. (He turns to leave) Good night.
SISTER MARY MASON: Good night, Theo.
(The lights fade to black as they look after him)
SCENE NINE
(Lights up on church; light is spilling from behind the confessional curtain; Theo enters and crosses to the confessional)
THEO: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been several weeks since my last confession. I don't know if you remember me, but I accidentally killed someone.
FATHER MULTOVER: Oh, yes, yes, I recall.
THEO: Since my last confession I lied three times, I fought with the neighbor boy eight times, I took the Lord's name in vain, and I killed someone. For these and all my sins I am sorry.
FATHER MULTOVER: I, uh . . . you, you said . . . you killed someone. You are one accident-prone boy.
THEO: Oh, sorry, Father, I should've told you, it wasn't an accident. I mean, the first one was, but this one wasn't.
FATHER MULTOVER: Oh, that's good. Wait, no, that's not good. That means . . . it means you tried to kill them. I mean, you did kill them. But it was intentional.
THEO: Yeah.
FATHER MULTOVER: Son, you need to turn yourself in. I can't . . . help . . . it . . . I . . . can't help you. You have to stop.
THEO: I know.
FATHER MULTOVER: Good. Killing is a horrible thing. It's . . . murder . . . or thou shalt not . . . is one of the commandments. You can't . . . It's not right. It's not fair to end people's lives.
THEO: But Father, won't they go to Heaven?
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, if they've received the Sacraments and are right with the Lord, yes.
THEO: And isn't that what we all aim for? To get to Heaven?
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, yes, but . . .
THEO: Then I'm doing them a favor. Father, if you could have seen that woman's face.
FATHER MULTOVER: I . . . no thanks.
THEO: I think I'm helping them get to a better place. Any place is better than here.
FATHER MULTOVER: But you don't have the right. It's God's choice. It's up to His plan.
THEO: Father, if it wasn't part of his plan, if it wasn't their time, He wouldn't let me succeed, would he?
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, I don't know. It's just not right.
THEO: I don't know.
FATHER MULTOVER: You could go to hell.
THEO: As a martyr for the happiness of others. I don't know. I didn't think of that. I just thought . . . the situation was there and it seemed right. The woman was lonely and sad and wanted to be done with it. I understood her and I did what she couldn't.
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, the point is this . . .
(DAD enters and kneels in front of the altar)
THEO: Father, what's my penance?
FATHER MULTOVER: I can't answer that. If I absolve you that . . . it's like saying that what you've done is right. I can't . . . it's not . . . murder . . . do it.
THEO: Isn't it God's decision to judge right and wrong?
(Pause)
FATHER MULTOVER: Okay, you have to be sorry, truly sorry. You have to pray for forgiveness in your own words. You have to pray for guidance. I can offer you no more.
THEO: Thank you, Father.
FATHER MULTOVER: Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord.
THEO: Thank you, Father.
(THEO walks away from the confessional and sees DAD praying; DAD stops and stands)
DAD: Theo. Hey son, how's it goin'?
THEO: Fine, Dad. What are you doing here?
DAD: I came to . . . Your mother.
THEO: She's not here, Dad.
DAD (pointing to his heart): She's here. But this is a quiet place. It's a good place to come and be with her.
THEO: I thought you didn't believe in God anymore.
DAD: Theo, if there is a God He took one of the two things that gave my life meaning. I can't forgive Him for that.
THEO: You miss her, huh?
DAD: More than you can imagine, son. Don't you?
THEO: More than you'll ever know, Dad.
DAD: I look at you and I see her eyes, her smile, and I want to curse God for making you so much like her, for the reminder. And then I want to thank Him because I still have you and because you are you but you also remind me of her when I look at you and when I see you smile. Does that make sense? I'm not so good with words.
THEO: I have people tell me all the time that I remind them of her.
DAD: There are times when I speak and I'll say half a sentence and not finish it because I'm expecting her to finish it. But she's not there to do it any more. I'll wake up with my arm around a pillow and I'll be coming out of a dream with her in it. I see things all around me that remind me of her. And it's strange, as time goes on I sometimes have to look at pictures to remind me of what she looked like. But another time her image will flash into my mind with so much clarity that it scares me half to death.
THEO: Were you praying?
DAD: I don't know. I was talking to her. Theo, she and I, and you and I, I think, we were so connected that I have to believe we'll still be connected after this life. But I don't know how. My faith in God has been shattered by her leaving but my faith in something more than this has grown because of it. It doesn't make sense, does it?
THEO: Dad, I don't think anything makes sense.
DAD: Hey, how about you and me we go to a movie or something?
THEO: Nah, let's just go home. Let's just go home.
DAD: All right. I'm game.
(They exit as the lights fade to black)
SCENE TEN
(Lights up on the nursing home; Mr. Polcratz' body is in the middle of the stage; NURSE SHAWCROSS and FATHER MULTOVER are there with him; NOBLE enters and crosses to them)
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Here he is, Detective. I found him like this after breakfast.
NOBLE: Who is he?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Mr. Polcratz.
NOBLE: Father, could I have you back away from the body, please?
FATHER MULTOVER: Sure.
NOBLE: What were you doing with the body?
FATHER MULTOVER: I was administering last rites.
NOBLE: Don't. This is a crime scene.
FATHER MULTOVER: I'm done now.
NOBLE: I hope you didn't contaminate evidence.
FATHER MULTOVER: It's just a little oil.
NOBLE: Back off, Father. He's dead, you're done, this is my deal now. (To Nurse Shawcross) You, what's his story?
NURSE SHAWCROSS: He's the local priest. He does all the weddings, funerals, and deaths.
NOBLE: The victim.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: That's Mr. Polcratz. He was a very old man
NOBLE: I'm getting older by the minute, too. This is our eighth murder. This isn't supposed to happen here. (SISTER MORGAN enters and crosses to the body and starts looking things over) Hey, hey, back off. What are you doing here? This is a crime scene.
SISTER MORGAN: Good. You answered your own question.
NOBLE: You're not allowed here, Sister.
SISTER MORGAN: It's a public place.
NOBLE: It's the scene of a murder.
SISTER MORGAN: Yes, that's why I'm here. I have to be, to ensure that no clues are missed.
NOBLE: I am a police investigator.
SISTER MORGAN: And I represent the Vatican.
(Pause)
NOBLE: Sister, if I were a Methodist you wouldn't get away with this. But I can't sneeze at the Pope. He's head of the church. Just don't touch anything.
SISTER MORGAN: Detective, do you have anything yet?
NOBLE: Honestly, no, nothing solid. Just good old-fashioned police hunches. Seven murders over several months. Eight now. Very few clues. A handful of leads. But I have my suspicions.
SISTER MORGAN: Me too.
NOBLE: Who do you think?
SISTER MORGAN: You first.
NOBLE: No, no, no, I'm a cop. (Long pause) Go ahead. (Long pause) You're not going to say, are you?
SISTER MORGAN: You first.
NOBLE: You're not going to want to hear this.
SISTER MORGAN: I'm ready. I'm just curious if we're on the same path.
NOBLE: Nurse, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: Like the sister said, it's a public place.
NOBLE: And it's off limits. Go away.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I'm going to find out anyway. You know how news travels.
NOBLE: Yes, I know. Good-bye now.
(She crosses away, but stops at the desk)
NOBLE: I think it's . . . (He sees Nurse Shawcross as he's about to say it) Nurse, you have to go.
NURSE SHAWCROSS: I have work to do.
NOBLE: Later.
NURSE SHAWCROSS (as she's exiting): Fine. I'll go change a bed pan or two. Apparently, that's all I'm good for. Fine. I'll check on bed sores. Nobody ever lets me have any fun.
(She has exited)
SISTER MORGAN: So who do you think?
NOBLE: I think it's . . . (he checks to make sure nobody is listening) Mother Superior.
SISTER MORGAN: What!?
NOBLE: Sister Mary Mason.
SISTER MORGAN: That's absurd.
NOBLE: I told you that you wouldn't want to hear it.
SISTER MORGAN: Because you're wrong.
NOBLE: She's been seen at the scene five of the seven times. For the other two there is strong circumstantial. Who else could it be?
SISTER MORGAN: As much as I hate to say it, the boy.
NOBLE: Boy, what boy?
SISTER MORGAN: The altar boy.
NOBLE: Sister, there's a couple dozen altar boys.
SISTER MORGAN: Theo.
NOBLE: Theo? Talk about absurd. Are you crazy?
SISTER MORGAN: He, too, has been seen at most of the crimes.
NOBLE: He's a boy.
SISTER MORGAN: And she's a nun.
NOBLE: A good boy.
SISTER MORGAN: And a good nun. When it comes to sin anyone can be guilty.
NOBLE: Why would he do it?
SISTER MORGAN: Why would she?
NOBLE & SISTER MORGAN: Mercy killings.
(Pause)
NOBLE: You're right about that. Every victim has been someone the community would be better without . . .
SISTER MORGAN: Or someone who is suffering terribly and for whom death would be an escape.
NOBLE: Like this man.
(SISTER MARY MASON & THEO enter and see the two investigators)
SISTER MORGAN: Theo.
THEO: Sister.
NOBLE: Sister.
SISTER MARY MASON: Detective.
NOBLE: Theo.
THEO: Detective.
SISTER MORGAN: Sister.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister.
THEO: That's like Twisted Sister. I hate them.
SISTER MORGAN: Hate?
THEO: Twisted Sister. Their music sucks.
SISTER RALPH (entering): I hate singing nuns, too.
NOBLE: What are you doing here?
SISTER RALPH: I don't know. I was told to come at this time.
SISTER MARY MASON: Theo and I were both finishing up some of our regular volunteer work. Sister Ralph said she'd meet us afterwards. It's a nursing home. Why do you ask?
NOBLE: There's been another murder. Mr. Polcratz is dead.
(Theo starts to cross to the body, but NOBLE stops him)
THEO: I liked that old man.
SISTER RALPH: What was there to like? He couldn't talk. He just sat there. How could you like him?
THEO: I don't know. I could see it in his eyes. He was a good guy.
SISTER MARY MASON: He's probably better off now. Maybe he can talk in Heaven.
SISTER RALPH: Or sing. Choirs of angels and all that. Jeez-o-matic, I hate that stuff. It's hockey puck. Maybe he's just dead.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, you are so negative.
SISTER RALPH: I don't know. Listening to angels and nuns sing for eternity is negative. Dying—it just is. It is what it is. You're born, you die, it's part of life, the circle keeps going.
SISTER MARY MASON: Speaking of going, we should. These two have work to do. Come on, Theo.
(They exit; SISTER MORGAN & NOBLE look at each other as lights fade to black)
SCENE ELEVEN
(The lights are down just long enough for everyone to get off stage; lights come up in one corner; NOBLE & SISTER MORGAN are opposite; at various parts of the stage we see THEO commit a series of murders and leave; with each one, NOBLE & SISTER MORGAN cross to that murder and the light goes to black just as they arrive and then comes up on another part of the stage where THEO is committing another murder; SISTER MARY MASON should also be seen at a number of the murders; also, a number of them can be followed by townspeople exchanging money for services (such as a florist, tailor, etc.); none of the major characters gets killed in any of these murders; as the music is winding down SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY enter and cross to one of the curtains; they exit through the curtain; after a moment we hear the sound of running water as they start to take a shower; music is out now)
SISTER MARY MARY: I love taking showers.
SISTER MARY KAY: I like to feel clean.
SISTER MARY MARY: Water is one of God's gifts.
SISTER MARY KAY: Life is full of gifts.
SISTER MARY MARY: I love life.
SISTER MARY KAY: It's so good.
SISTER MARY MARY: God is good.
(Silence; SISTER MARY MASON enters)
SISTER MARY KAY (singing): Everything is beautiful, in its own way.
SISTER MARY MARY: I love that song.
SISTER MARY MASON: Sisters, don't use up your voices now. You won't be able to sing at choir practice.
SISTER MARY MARY: Yes, Mother.
(She exits)
SISTER MARY KAY: But I like to sing.
SISTER MARY MARY: Me too, especially with Sister Hortense playing the guitar.
SISTER MARY KAY: I love the guitar.
SISTER MARY MARY: I think I love all music.
(Silence; SISTER RALPH enters)
SISTER MARY KAY (singing): Climb ev'ry mountain
SISTER RALPH (screaming): Stop!
(SISTER MARY KAY screams)
SISTER MARY MARY (popping her head out from behind the curtain): She has a beautiful voice.
SISTER RALPH: It's time for choir practice. You need to get out of the shower.
SISTER MARY MARY: Oh, okay. We'll be there in a jiffy.
(SISTER RALPH exits; SISTER MARY MARY goes back behind the curtain)
SISTER MARY KAY: What was that all about?
SISTER MARY MARY: It's time for choir practice. We have to hurry.
(THEO enters; at the same time we can hear vocal warmups off stage)
SISTER MARY KAY: What's that?
SISTER MARY MARY: I think the sisters are warming up. I love our sisters.
SISTER MARY KAY: I do, too. They're all daughters of God.
(THEO crosses over to the curtain and parts it just enough to peek through; he watches for a bit)
SISTER MARY MARY: I love you too, Sister.
SISTER MARY KAY: And you.
SISTER MARY MARY: Where's the soap?
SISTER MARY KAY: Sure does, doesn't it?
(Theo makes some kind of noise; the nuns scream, then stop)
SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY: Theo, what are you doing? We're going to report you to Mother Superior, etc.
(THEO starts to walk away and then stops; he turns and goes back to them; he grabs a pocket knife and starts stabbing through the curtains as the off stage nuns continue warming up in the manner of the music from Psycho; lights fade to black as this continues)
SCENE TWELVE
(Lights up on the church; there is another town meeting occurring; there is a great deal of chatter)
FATHER MULTOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please. Please, may I have your attention? (The talking subsides) Thank you. We are gathered . . . I want to thank the Methodists for coming. I have to tell you, all of you, there have been two more . . . two of the . . . I don't know if I can . . . say it . . . well, death . . . good . . . I guess . . . death . . . that would be it.
PEOPLE: Murders! Say it! Killing!, etc.
FATHER MULTOVER: Well, the thing is . . . God . . . Jesus . . . someone took . . . two nuns . . . two nuns were taking their morning shower and . . . well, it was their time. They're dead. They were alive and full of song and now they're dead and we sing dirges. It was their time.
PEOPLE: No, it wasn't. It was murder. Not their time, etc.
FATHER MULTOVER: And the bad thing . . . the thing is . . . it's not just the unwanted and unloved anymore. The last several . . . it's gone beyond . . . mercy . . . mercy . . .
DAD: We have to do something. Nobody's safe anymore.
MAYOR BURGER: Oh, come on, it's not so bad.
BUSINESS OWNER: Yeah, it is.
MAYOR BUREGER: No, it isn't. Why don't you move then?
BUSINESS OWNER: I tell ya I don't care if we all go broke not sellin' ny more flowers, caskets, sympathy cards and on and on and on. Yeah, I mean it. I'll say it if nobody else will, the town's been on an upswing a sorts, but look at the cost. It's the devil's own money, I tell ya, the devil's own money.
BUSINESS OWNER 2: I agree, I haven't had as much business in years. But pretty soon there won't be anybody left to buy, and then what'll I do?
BUSINESS OWNER: Yeah and all. When the last flower's sold to the last survivor where does that leave you and me?
BUSINESS OWNER 2: Rich and dead.
BUSINESS OWNER: Yeah, I'm tellin' ya, and blood money doesn't spend when it's your own.
MAYOR BURGER: Hey, hey, hey, stop all the negativity. I tell you, and I'm not just whistling Dixie here because this is the North and there would be no reason to whistle anything other than songs of the North, but I have to tell you this town wasn't dying before this all started and it's not dying now. Why—and this is in all serious now—this is a town that's a turquoise in tourism's bolo tie. You know I speak the truth. It's a family place for family fun and there's nothing wrong that can't be fixed.
SISTER RALPH: Mayor, this isn't Disneyland.
DAD: Nobody's arguin' that it ain't a good place. They're saying that while they're happy for the business they've been getting 'cause of all the death they sorta don't like the way it's comin' to them. It costs too much in the long run.
MAYOR BURGER: Well, hey, nobody says you have to sell flowers if your ethics don't permit it.
DAD: That's not what anyone's saying. You're not listening.
MAYOR BURGER: The one thing I do agree on is that these murders have to stop. It's really giving our town a bad name.
DAD: That's not . . . you're right. You're right.
SISTER RALPH: Mayor, if you could just take the key to the city out of your ass for a moment . . .
SISTER MARY MASON: Sister!
SISTER RALPH: . . . and tell us what you know. Tell us what you're going to do.
MAYOR BURGER: That's not my department. That's the department of the police department. Police.
NOBLE: We know nothing. Absolutely nothing. There is a list of suspects longer than your faces.
(There is a mumbling from the crowd)
SISTER MORGAN: Nothing? Nothing!?! You have everything you need at your disposal—crime labs, crime dogs, crime stoppers—and you've come up with a grand total of zero? You're in the wrong field.
NOBLE: Sister, don't you be getting in my way. There's a real-life police investigation going on behind the scenes and we'll find the killer. It's not some nun waltzing in doing the Vatican Rag. It's real police work and it takes time.
SISTER MORGAN: Real cops don't miss the obvious.
NOBLE: What do you mean?
SISTER MORGAN: Real cops . . . case in point.
NOBLE: Case in point? What does that mean?
SISTER MORGAN: It means while you've been sitting on clues and leads I've been looking into all the possibilities. I've been watching certain people and I can tell you with utmost certainty the name of your murderer. The answer would shock you. It would shock everyone here.
(There is a great deal of murmuring and conversation from the crowd)
NOBLE: So who?
SISTER MORGAN: Who who?
NOBLE: No, who what?
SISTER MORGAN: Who what?
NOBLE: Who dunnit?
SISTER MORGAN: I can't say until I prove it beyond a doubt.
NOBLE: That's what I figured.
SISTER MORGAN: That will happen within a day or two at the most.
(There is more hubbub from the crowd)
NOBLE: That doesn't sound like utmost certainty to me.
SISTER MARY MASON: She's right, though. It's obvious. I figured it out and I wasn't even trying to. It came to me in a dream and it all added up. I could tell you the name of the murderer, too.
NOBLE: And?
SISTER MARY MASON: And what?
NOBLE: And who?
SISTER MARY MASON: I can't, just in case I'm wrong, but I'm certain of it.
NOBLE: That's what I figured. Anyone else? Should we start a lynch mob for all the friends and neighbors you might be suspecting?
MAYOR BURGER: I really don't want to see lynch mobs here. It wouldn't be good.
FATHER MULTOVER: I know!
NOBLE: We are hoping to make an arrest sometime soon. But unlike all the professional clergy here the professional policemen don't arrest people based on guesses. We have to have evidence, or a confession . . .
FATHER MULTOVER: I know!
NOBLE: . . . a signed confession . . .
FATHER MULTOVER (muttering): Never mind.
NOBLE: . . . and right now we don't have that, or much of anything.
BUSINESS OWNER: Well, when are you gonna find something?
NOBLE: I don't know. That's all I have.
MAYOR BURGER: Okay, we're done then. Thank you, Father.
DR. KLEIN: Wait, wait, I have more. I have to tell you the two nuns, Sisters Mary Mary and Mary Kay were indeed murdered. They were stabbed repeatedly with a small instrument. I would suspect a jackknife or Swiss army knife if I had to hazard a guess. Both of them died from severe blood loss from their multiple stabbing entry and exit wounds. Additionally, both of them had other injuries which I'm not at liberty to discuss at this time.
FATHER MULTOVER: Thank you, Doctor, for your always enlightening . . . your . . . the clarity with which you describe . . . death . . . the body . . . blood . . . I guess . . . thank you. I have to . . . it's time for confession . . . so I'm going to have to ask all the Methodists and the one Jew to leave now . . . oh, and I'm sorry, I didn't see our town Presbyterian . . . if you could leave . . . I mean all of you who aren't . . . well . . . the Catholics . . . we need the church, but please come back, please . . . not just for these meetings, but for . . . you know . . . for, uh . . . for communion with God. If you . . . I mean, the real Communion, you'd have to be . . . you'd have to turn . . . feel free . . .we'd welcome you. Catholics, those who want . . . if you desire . . . the booth is open. Thanks. Come back. Please. Oh, and Happy Good Friday. Well, I don't mean happy. It's Good Friday . . . remember it . . . Sunday is . . . Happy Easter, Sunday . . . Remember Good Friday . . . Happy Easter. Sunday. Today, cry, Sunday, rise up again. So long.
(The townsmen start to exit; several people hang back—FATHER MULTOVER, who crosses to and enters the confessional; THEO & his DAD, who stop to chat; SISTER MORGAN, SISTER MARY MASON, who both kneel down in prayer)
DAD: Oh, Theo, I'm so sad you have to grow up in a world like this one.
THEO: What do you mean, Dad?
DAD: Well, it's bad enough you have to watch your mom die, but that was natural. To live in a world where you have to see the worst of it day after day. And you can't escape the badness. I didn't want that for you. Really, life is good. It can be good. Very good. You have to believe that. You just have to have fun. You have to not let it all get you down. You have to focus on the sun rising, the Packers winning, the birds returning in the spring, that kind of resurrection. You know? We're on one bad part of a large circle, son, but as we move around there's a lot of happiness.
THEO: But circles always come back around.
DAD: They do, Theo.
(Silence; SISTER MORGAN crosses toward the confessional)
THEO: What's wrong, Dad?
DAD: I'm really not very happy, Theo. I want to be. I want be happy for you, to be strong for you, but I'm having a hard time of it with all this killing. It's getting me down. I wish it would stop.
THEO: But look at all the money we're making. I thought that all the death was good for you.
DAD: Oh, son, it's not worth it. It's good for business, for a lot of us. So yeah, it's good for business, but it's not good for me. A million bucks to see this many of townsmen go before their time is just not worth it.
THEO: But most of them were past their time.
DAD: That's for God to decide.
THEO: I thought you didn't believe in God. And isn't everything part of his plan anyway?
DAD: Don't forget, Theo, you're the altar boy. If you're going to believe in your religion you have to know that free will is part of the plan.
SISTER MORGAN (during a pause in Theo & Dad's conversation): Father Multover?
THEO: What d'ya think is going to happen?
DAD: Happen?
THEO: Yeah, to the killer.
DAD: I don't know. I hope he dies.
(The following lines occur during a long pause in Dad & Theo's conversation)
FATHER MULTOVER: May I help you?
SISTER MORGAN: You're needed at the nursing home. Last rites. It looks like someone else may have died.
THEO: Me, too.
DAD: Hey, look, you wanna go to a movie?
THEO: Maybe later, Dad. I have ta go to confession.
SISTER MORGAN: I can stay here in case anyone comes.
DAD: Well, that shouldn't take too long. I'll wait out in the car.
THEO: Sure, Dad. Comedy or tragedy?
DAD: I don't know. Let's decide when we get there.
(FATHER MULTOVER & DAD exit; SISTER MORGAN steps into the confessional; THEO crosses to the confessional and enters)
THEO: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a while since my last confession. I've lied a couple times, maybe fought a couple times, and, well, I killed someone. Actually two people, two nuns.
SISTER MORGAN: Uh-huh.
THEO: It wasn't an accident this time, or for mercy. It was . . . well, it was to protect myself this time. Oh yeah, I guess I should add that I peeped on two nuns in a shower. But I got caught and I didn't know what to do. I just reacted. The killing has gotten so easy. Death has become so meaningless.
SISTER MORGAN: Uh-huh.
THEO: See, at first I thought they were happy and that people who died were happy, but now I've seen terror and I know that not everyone who dies is happy and I'm confused about what happens once you die. I think I might know.
SISTER MORGAN: Uh-huh.
THEO: 'Cause I think I'm sort of dead now and I know I'm not happy. Nobody I know is happy. I'm empty inside and I'm afraid of an eternity of that kind of emptiness, but I think I'm afraid more of a lifetime full of that kind of emptiness.
SISTER MORGAN: Theo, why?
THEO: You know my name!
SISTER MORGAN: Of course I do.
THEO: You can't tell. You have an oath.
SISTER MORGAN (stepping out from behind the curtain): No, Theo, I don't.
THEO: You tricked me! You can't do that!
SISTER MORGAN: I told them I'd prove it in a day or two.
(THEO lunges at SISTER MORGAN and tries to strangle her; a struggle ensues; she gets the upper hand and starts choking him; SISTER MARY MASON sees the fight; she crosses and knocks SISTER MORGAN over the head with some object, knocking her down; SISTER MORGAN pulls out a gun and fires at THEO; he stumbles and falls; SISTER MARY MASON attacks again and hits SISTER MORGAN over the head as SISTER MORGAN fires one more time, killing SISTER MARY MASON; all three lay dead on the altar as DAD, NOBLE, & FATHER MULTOVER re-enter; they cross to the bodies and silently look at them as the lights fade to black)
EPILOGUE:
(Light up on the church; THEO is there as a statue now; the two dead nuns are no longer on stage, but could come back as other citizens depending on the possibility of quick costume changes; FATHER MULTOVER enters with the POPE; they move to the front of the church)
FATHER MULTOVER: Good evening. Hello. This is indeed a . . . what's the word . . . there's a special . . . yes, that's it . . . a special . . . I would have to say special kind of night. Our little church, St. Tarcisius, is being visited by a living Pope . . . well, I mean, of course he's living . . . it would be strange to be visited by a dead . . . you know . . . and . . . that's not all . . . it's . . . there's more . . . there's always more to life . . . we are . . . one of our own sons, one of our children, one of our true and faithful, our Catholic children, is to be canonized tonight, a saint in our very midst. He was a . . . I can't say this . . . I'm supposed to say . . . I . . . it's not . . . he was a hero, a true hero to our community, to the world at large, to the church . . . oh, dear God . . . because, as you know . . . he helped stop a . . . Mother . . . Superior . . . killer . . . she . . . he didn't kill her . . . but he helped . . . kill . . . the church . . . cannot . . . help . . . kill . . . cannot . . . condone . . . death . . .
(NOBLE crosses and shakes FATHER MULTOVER)
NOBLE: Father, are you all right?
FATHER MULTOVER: Oh, yes, yes, sorry. His father is here . . . our Holy Father . . . hopefully God the Father, but . . . I don't know . . . I don't know . . . I'm too old to doubt now, but . . . I don't know . . . I'm sorry . . . very sorry . . . ladies and gentlemen . . . His Holiness, Pope John the 24th, pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
(Father Multover leaves the altar and walks toward the exit as Pope John 24th is speaking; he stops to listen to the end of the pontiff's words)
POPE JOHN 24TH: It's not every day a community gets a saint. It's not every day a little altar boy converts people to the flock of God. It's not every day that God shows us miracles. But in the case of this boy he gave us a gift. This was a boy who died to save others, just as Jesus did. I present this statue and bless this church, which was St. Tarcisius and will hereafter be called St. Theo's. Let us pray. Pray for peace. Pray for love. Pray for life.
(Everyone bows their heads in silence; Father Multover turns and exits and the lights fade to black)