The Altar Boy

SCENE ONE

(A chorus starts to sing the song Let There Be Peace on Earth in the dark; there are a couple bad notes in the first eight lines, on the words “peace” and “perfect harmony”)

CHORUS: Let there be peace on earth

And let it begin with me.

Let there be peace on earth

The peace that was meant to be.

(There is the sound of a loud moan in the dark)

CHORUS: With God as our Father

Brothers all are we.

Let me walk with my brother

In perfect harmony.

(Lights up on church; parishioners are taking Communion)

CHORUS: Let peace begin with me,

Let this be the moment now.

(A woman clutches her chest and lets out another moan)

CHORUS With every step I take,

(She stumbles and falls to the floor, clutching her chest)

PARISHIONER 1: Is there a doctor in the house?!?

(DOCTOR KLEIN starts to leave the chorus to attend to her)

CHORUS: Let this be my solemn vow.

CHOIR DIRECTOR: Where do you think you’re going?

CHORUS: To take each moment

DOCTOR KLEIN: They called for a doctor.

CHORUS: And live each moment

PARISHIONER 1: Someone help her!

PARISHIONER 2 (stepping around the woman): Quiet! This is Communion time.

CHOIR DIRECTOR: You go when the song is over. We’re praising God.

CHORUS: In peace eternally.

DOCTOR KLEIN: Screw you!

PARISHIONER 1: Someone help!

(Someone pushes PARISHIONER 1 out of his way to get to Communion; they get into a shoving match; at the same time DOCTOR KLEIN and CHOIR DIRECTOR start pushing each other around)

CHORUS: Let there be peace on earth.

(The entire CHORUS starts taking sides and fighting as they finish the song)

PARISHIONER 1: Someone please!!!

CHORUS: And let it begin with me.

(A melee breaks out in both the choir loft and in the Communion line)

THEO (who has moved to the sick woman): Everyone stop it!!! (Everyone stops and looks at the altar boy) What are you doing? She’s sick. Jesus would want us to help her. Please someone, take care of her.

(DR. KLEIN has worked his way down to her; he checks her pulse and looks up at the congregation)

DR. KLEIN (to one of the men): She’s dead, Jim.

THEO (holding her in his arms like a reverse Pieta): She looks so happy.

(The CHORUS breaks back into Let There Be Peace on Earth as the lights fade to black)

SCENE TWO:

(A soloist sings Amazing Grace as the lights come up on a funeral; various people come by to view the body during the song; there are also two children sitting with Mother Superior; they are playing around and misbehaving during the song; Mother Superior cracks their knuckles with a ruler, cuffs them upside the head, slaps them, pulls their ears, and generally tries everything within her power to get them to behave).

SOLOIST: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

We have already come;

Twas grace that brought us safe thus far

And grace will lead us home.

(Father Multover stands and raises his hands; the congregation stands)

FATHER MULTOVER: Let us pray.

CONGREGATION: And also with you.

CHILD 1: Spray?

FATHER MULTOVER: Our Father Who art in Heaven.

CONGREGATION: Hail Mary, full of grace.

(Mother Superior grabs the child’s tongue and pulls at it)

FATHER MULTOVER: Hallowed be thy name.

CONGREGATION: The Lord is with thee.

FATHER MULTOVER: Thy kingdom come.

CONGREGATION: Blessed art thou.

FATHER MULTOVER: Thy will be done.

CONGREGATION: Amongst women.

(Pause)

FATHER MULTOVER: On earth as it is in Heaven.

CONGREGATION: And blessed is the fruit . . .

FATHER MULTOVER: Give us this day our daily bread.

CHILD: I’m hungry.

(Mother Superior slaps the child on the tummy)

CONGREGATION: . . . of thy womb, Jesus.

FATHER MULTOVER: And forgive us our trespasses.

CONGREGATION: Holy Mary, mother of God.

FATHER MULTOVER: As we forgive those who trespass against us.

CONGREGATION: Pray for us sinners.

FATHER MULTOVER: Lead us not into temptation.

CONGREGATION: Now and at the hour of our death.

FATHER MULTOVER: But deliver us from evil.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

FATHER MULTOVER: Amen. You may be seated.

CONGREGATION: And also with you.

FATHER MULTOVER: Also with you.

CONGREGATION: With you.

FATHER MULTOVER: You.

CONGREGATION: You.

FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.

CONGREGATION: And also amen with you.

FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

(Pause while FATHER MULTOVER stares down the congregation)

FATHER MULTOVER: We are . . . (long pause) . . . gathered here today to honor one of our beloved broth . . . (stopping himself as he sees the body) . . . sisters in the Lord. She is a sister. Was. A sister. Not a nun, sister. This . . . she . . .this woman . . . mortal . . . was a woman who was . . . was a woman who was . . . what is the word I want, she was, this woman . . . dear—that’s it!—to us . . . near to us . . . dear . . . in death, near . . . in life, body, here . . . but then we here, we here who were here, we hear, heard, we heard her hearken to her God, her heart heavy . . . then . . . dead. (Very suddenly and fast) She was alive and now she’s dead. (Long pause) And so this . . . this . . . the word . . . this woman . . . this . . . this vessel, her body, this vessel, is empty . . . (long pause) . . . happy now, a shell, an empty shell that once was full of woman is now dead. We look to answers. For. You look to me for answers. To, for. I cannot give you them, those . . . answers . . . yet, yet, yet I search the Book for truth . . . like you, search, truth . . . about life and death and the hereafter. She is dead she is gone that we know. Of that we can be true . . . sure . . . death . . . it is . . . true . . . she is gone she is dead yes we know. So what . . . now? We can hope . . . was she baptized? Hope, yes. Reality, I don’t know. Yes, I think. Is there? Life after death? Life after life? Is there life after? We must believe . . . must . . . for ourselves, for, if we don’t, then, the door . . . that door to the hereafter . . . no handle . . . if there is such . . . must be shut unless we open it . . . through Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what it’s all about. Jesus, Jesus. Our Lord and Savior. Praise be to God. Thank you.

CONGREGATION: And also with you.

FATHER MULTOVER: May she rest in peace.

CONGREGATION: And also with you.

(Pause)

FATHER MULTOVER: You.

CONGREGATION: You.

FATHER MULTOVER: Amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen.

(Pause; Father Multover stares at the congregation)

FATHER MULTOVER: A-men.

CONGREGATION (in the dark): Amen.

(He blesses the congregation and they start to exit; as they file out they pass by the body paying their last respects; the priest and altar boy stand next to the coffin)

WOMAN 1: Doesn’t she look wonderful?

WOMAN 2: She’d look better with a more natural base.

WOMAN 1: If I could look that good when I go.

WOMAN 2: Honey, you haven’t looked that good yet.

WOMAN 1: They could fix me up like that.

WOMAN 2: Darling, they could fix our local economy easier.

MAN: Speaking of local economy, could you ladies move it along? I have to get back to my store. I can’t afford to stay closed any longer. I’m already so far in debt I’ll only be able to recover by dying and collecting on the insurance.

WOMAN 1: I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize we were in the way.

WOMAN 2: Well, it is our last chance to say good-bye.

WOMAN 1 (touching the body lightly): Good-bye, dear friend.

WOMAN 2: I hope the next life treats you better than this one did.

(They exit; the man kneels silently for a moment, then gets up and leaves; everyone else has filed out; as THEO is about to exit his father enters; at some point during the following THEO can remove his cassock and surplice)

DAD: Hey, Theo!

THEO: Hey, Dad..

DAD: How was the funeral, son?

THEO: In’t know.

DAD: Oh, man, this brings back the memories. I used to love ‘em when I was a kid, when I was your age. (Theo gives him a quizzical, almost unbelieving look) They were fun.

THEO: Fun?

DAD: Fun, hell yeah. (FATHER MULTOVER looks at him) Forgive me, Father. (The priest exits) Anyways, yeah, fun. Did I ever tell you about the wake of my favorite aunt? It was a hoot. I tell ya I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants. I mean, here she was all laid out in front of us—may she rest in peace, the dear woman—and we were all there drinkin’ and tellin’ stories and havin’ the time of our lives. I don’t know when I ever laughed so hard.

THEO: That’s disrespectin’ her.

DAD: No, it’s what she would’ve wanted. The stories were about her, about what a good woman she was, how much fun. We all loved her—may she rest in peace—and that was our last moment to enjoy her.

THEO: Huh.

DAD: You see, funerals aren’t about the dead, they’re about the livin’. And you have ta keep doin’ that. Life goes on.

THEO: Hm.

DAD: Plus, when I was your age I was an altar boy, too. Didja ever know that? I was Father McAlear’s favorite. Used to get weddings and almost all the funerals and it was great.

THEO: Great?

DAD: Yeah, I loved it. Got outta school. Got a free lunch, usually meat sandwiches and a dessert. Got to ride in a hearse or a limo. Got a tip from the family. How much did ya make today?

THEO: Ten bucks.

DAD: See? I was lucky to get a buck, but that was a few years ago.

THEO (looking at the body): She’s dead.

DAD: Don’t get a funeral thrown for ya if ya ain’t.

THEO: I don’t think I want one.

DAD: Of course not, you’re young. Listen, I know death’s no party. It’s scary. I know you’re a sensitive boy. It’s not a fun thing. But livin’ is. It’s fun, or should be. You just gotta not die with them. Ya know what I mean?

THEO: I think so, yeah.

DAD: Besides, you made a whopping ten bucks.

THEO: Yeah.

DAD: I made out like a bandit on this one, too. Several hundred bucks from building that rosewood casket for her.

THEO: That was you?

DAD: Yeah, that was me. Whaddya think I was working on the last couple days?

THEO: It’s beautiful. It helped make her look nicer. I think she’s happy.

DAD: She better be happy about it, the price she paid. And it’s gotta be comfy for her. She’ll be sleeping in that thing for a long time to come.

THEO: Yeah.

DAD: Look, we both got some extra money. You wanna go catch a movie or somethin’? Father and son night out?

THEO: Sure.

DAD: Whaddya wanna see?

THEO: I don’t know, a comedy.

DAD: Okay, let’s go. (Dad puts his arm around Theo’s shoulder and they head out the door) You buyin’?

THEO: No.

DAD: Why not? You’re rich.

THEO: Sounds like you’re richer than me.

(They exit)

SCENE THREE:

(Lights up on a convent; SISTER MARY MASON is praying; there is a knock at the door)

SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother Mary Mason, I am so sorry to disturb you.

SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Pollyanna, you're early.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Yes, I know.

SISTER MARY MASON: I was saying a Novena.

SISTER POLLYANNA: I'm sorry, I'll come back.

SISTER MARY MASON: No, stay.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Thank you. May I speak with you for a moment?

SISTER MARY MASON: By all means. What is it now?

SISTER POLLYANNA: May I speak honestly?

SISTER MARY MASON: A nun should speak nothing but honestly.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Thank you again, Mother. Please don’t take this wrong, but . . . SISTER MARY MASON: Yes?

SISTER POLLYANNA: Well, first of all, I simply couldn’t believe how ill-behaved those two children were at the funeral. And to think the dead woman was their aunt. But I have to say . . .

SISTER MARY MASON: Yes?

SISTER POLLYANNA: I have to say I understand. They're children. I was far more shocked at your punishment of them.

SISTER MARY MASON: Whatever do you mean, dear?

SISTER POLLYANNA: You were physically abusing them.

SISTER MARY MASON: N onsense.

SISTER POLLYANNA: It seemed that way, as a bystander.

SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, posh.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Well, to my eyes it seemed . . .

SISTER MARY MASON: Your eyes are too young for judgment. Your eyes haven’t seen enough of life. Your eyes should maybe be washed out with soap so that they might see more clearly.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Oh, my.

SISTER MARY MASON: Lye.

SISTER POLLYANNA: I speak the truth as I see it.

SISTER MARY MASON: Lye soap, that’s what I mean.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, you are mean.

SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, you are naïve.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother Mason, I must protest. When the Bible says “Suffer the little children” it doesn’t mean that they should.

SISTER MARY MASON: You are schooling me in the Bible?

SISTER POLLYANNA: I’m sorry.

SISTER MARY MASON: I am an instrument of Jesus.

SISTER POLLYANNA: A beating drum, perhaps.

SISTER MARY MASON: And you are a bleeding heart. Sister, the world is harsher than you know.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, no offense, but you are old-fashioned.

SISTER MARY MASON (sternly): Sister, you are out of line . . .

SISTER POLLYANNA: Hopelessly.

SISTER MARY MASON: . . . and guilty of insubordination. Let us drop this subject now.

SISTER POLLYANNA: But Mother, the children. Someone has to stand up for them. I believe you punished them too harshly.

SISTER MARY MASON: What you believe is irrelevant. What I did was nothing, a little slap. If Sister Ralph had been there those children would be lucky to be alive. I barely touched them. Had I punished them as harshly as I should have perhaps they would not have continued to misbehave.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Mother, with all respect, this isn’t 1960 anymore. There are laws. The church can’t get away with what it got away with in the past.

(There is a knock at the door)

SISTER MARY MASON: Those were the days. Let us drop it for now. Come in. (THEO enters) Theo, may I help you?

THEO: I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.

SISTER MARY MASON: Thank you, Theo. You could take the garbage out. And after that perhaps you could just pick up a bit around here. It's almost time for our weekly meeting.

THEO: Yes, Sister.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Theo, you did such a nice job at the funeral today. You always look so angelic when you’re on the altar.

THEO: Thank you, Sister.

(He turns and starts to clean)

SISTER POLLYANNA (quietly): He’s such a good boy.

SISTER MARY MASON (quietly): That’s one thing we can agree on, Sister. They don’t make them like that anymore.

SISTER POLLYANNA (quietly): No, they don’t.

(There is a knock at the door)

SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.

(SISTER RALPH enters)

SISTER RALPH: I see I'm not the first one here.

SISTER MARY MASON: Good evening, Sister Ralph. No, you're not. Sister Pollyanna had some business with me, and Theo is here to clean.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Yes, I . . . Good evening, Sister Ralph. How are you this evening?

SISTER RALPH: How do you think? My knees are bad. My knuckles ache. The arthritis is terrible. My body hurts all over. I'm getting old and everything hurts. Getting out of bed in the morning hurts. The Lord makes me suffer so.

SISTER POLLYANNA: It is our lot.

SISTER RALPH: Your lot, maybe. I would rather not suffer. I would rather not be a martyr to senseless pain. Our lot, hmph. (Pause) You know . . . you make me suffer more than God. It's as if you think suffering is good, as if you want to welcome it. Only those who have not suffered would dare invite it so freely. Why would you want to suffer? Think it'll get you to Heaven easier? That's hockey puck.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Sister!

SISTER RALPH: It's true. Suffering won't get you to Heaven. Praying won't get you to Heaven. Believing won't get you to Heaven. You know what'll get you to Heaven?

SISTER POLLYANNA: No, if those . . . no. I don' want to hear . . .

SISTER RALPH: Dying'll get you to Heaven, that's what. Dying and nothing more. Heaven is nothing more than the absence of earth.

SISTER POLLYANNA: I don't want to hear this. (She covers her ears) Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na . . .

SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Ralph, I think you've gone too far. Let's not challenge Church teachings. (There is a knock at the door) Come in.

(SISTER HORTENSE enters)

SISTER HORTENSE: Hello.

SISTER MARY MASON: Sister Hortense, good evening.

OTHERS (except SISTER RALPH): Hi, hello, etc.

SISTER HORTENSE (timidly): Hi. (Pause) I brought my guitar.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Oh, good.

SISTER RALPH: Oh, God.

SISTER MARY MASON: Okay.

SISTER HORTENSE: Oh.

SISTER RALPH: At least she doesn't have a tambourine. Tambourines, guitars and nuns put together can make me ill. It's hockey puck.

SISTER HORTENSE: We don't have to sing.

SISTER MARY MASON: We're nuns, dear, we have to sing. Let's just try not to do it badly.

(There is a knock at the door; SISTER POLLYANNA and SISTER HORTENSE cross away from the others)

SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.

(SISTERS MARY MARY and MARY KAY enter)

SISTERS MARY MARY & MARY KAY: We brought tambourines!

SISTER POLLYANNA: Great!

SISTER RALPH: He brings me more suffering.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Let's sing.

ALL (except SISTER RALPH): Yeah, let's do it, sing, etc. (SISTER HORTENSE starts playing) I saw raindrops on my window;

Joy is like the rain.

Bit by bit the river grows

Til all at once it overflows;

Joy is like the rain.

SISTER RALPH (stopping them): No! Please! Can you all sing after I leave; that's not what I came here for. I hate singing.

SISTER MARY MARY: But singing puts us closer to God.

SISTER MARY KAY: It glorifies him.

SISTER RALPH: Not when it's bad.

SISTER MARY MASON: Okay, we have a disagreement. If Sister Ralph doesn't want to sing we don't have to sing. (To Sister Ralph) But Sister, wouldn't you like to sing for a little bit?

SISTER RALPH: No, I'm here for our weekly get-together.

SISTER MARY MASON: Okay, then, we won't sing.

SISTER MARY KAY: We can sing later.

SISTER MARY MARY: We can sing together. We can wait.

SISTER POLLYANNA: I'll sing with you. I like to sing.

SISTER RALPH: I'll tell you what I'd like . . .

SISTER MARY MASON: Sister, let's not.

SISTER MARY KAY: Let's get down to business. We didn't come here to sing, but we can do that later.

SISTER MARY MARY: She's right.

SISTER HORTENSE: We don't have to sing.

SISTER RALPH: Who brought the chips? (Silence; nobody speaks) Who was supposed to bring the chips?

SISTER HORTENSE: It may have been me.

SISTER RALPH: That figures. She brings a guitar and forgets the chips.

SISTER HORTENSE: I think I forgot. Maybe I forgot. If it was me.

SISTER RALPH: Well, we can't play poker without chips.

SISTER MARY MASON: We can use buttons or beads or something.

SISTER HORTENSE: I think I forgot the deck of cards, too.

SISTER RALPH: That figures. This is hockey puck. I'm leaving.

SISTER MARY KAY: Wait.

(SISTER RALPH exits)

SISTER MARY MASON: Well, ladies, God has a plan. Things happen for a reason. I was very tired tonight, anyway, so maybe this was His way of telling me to get some sleep. I think we'll just wait and play again next week. Sister Mary Kay, would you bring the cards and chips next week?

SISTER MARY KAY: Sure, but why don't we just keep them here?

SISTER MARY MASON: I wouldn't want Father Multover to see them when he stops in for his chats.

SISTER MARY KAY: Next week, then.

SISTER POLLYANNA: Sister Hortense, maybe we could go to your room to sing.

SISTER HORTENSE: Sure, I'd like that.

(They all exit, saying good nights and good-byes as they go)

THEO: Sister Mary Mason?

SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, Theo, I forgot you were here. Please don't tell Father Multover about poker.

THEO: I won't.

SISTER MARY MASON: Thank you. I forgot you were here. I think you've done a good job of cleaning this week. If you'd like you can go home now. Or to the nursing home. I know you go there to visit a couple times a week.

THEO: Not tonight.

(He doesn't move)

SISTER MARY MASON: I know you like to work,Theo, but really you can go home. If you don't have to go the nursing home you can go right home. Your work is done. It looks fine.

THEO: Thank you.

(He doesn't move)

SISTER MARY MASON: Theo, is something wrong?

THEO: Can I ask you something?

SISTER MARY MASON: Certainly. That's what I'm here for.

THEO: I don't get death.

SISTER MARY MASON: The multiplication tables I could answer. This? I don't know. What do you mean? I guess it depends on what you mean.

THEO: I mean I don't get it. Things can't just end, but they can't go on forever either.

SISTER MARY MASON: But things do go on forever, people go on forever, in God's arms.

THEO: When I think of infinity, or when I try to think of it, I get this scary feeling. It's like an empty pit in my stomach. My heart kind of stops, skips a beat or something. And then I have to stop.

SISTER MARY MASON: Stop?

THEO: Thinking about it.

SISTER MARY MASON: Is it because of your mother?

THEO: Sister, how do you believe?

SISTER MARY MASON: It's called faith, my boy. It's simply believing. If you question too much it is scary. I know that.

THEO: I don't know.

SISTER MARY MASON: It's like this. When you go to bed at night you know you're going to sleep and you know you're going to wake up in the morning. Don't you? If you didn't you wouldn't be able to go to bed, especially if you had no faith in God. Or at least you wouldn't be able to sleep. Faith is going to bed and knowing that the sun is going to rise in the morning and you are going to be there with it.

THEO: That woman who died in the church, she looked happy.

SISTER MARY MASON: She was a woman of faith. I knew her.

THEO: But how do you know she's all right?

SISTER MARY MASON: I don't, but I believe. Theo, even if there were nothing beyond this, she died happy in her faith. That I know. What more can we ask for than that those we love are happy at the end?

THEO: I don't know, that they won't be alone after that?

SISTER MARY MASON: God will take them. God has your mother and the woman from the church. You just have to believe.

(Silence)

THEO: Thank you, Sister.

SISTER MARY MASON: You're welcome, Theo. Good night.

(He exits; she kneels down to pray)

SCENE FOUR

(Lights up on church; parishioners are taking Communion; they file past the priest; Theo accidentally slices a man's throat with the paten as the man takes Communion; the man grabs his throat as he heads back to his seat; Theo looks at the paten and notices blood on it; he quickly wipes the paten off on his cassock; after the man gets back to his pew he looks at his hand and sees that he is bleeding)

2^nd MAN (screaming): I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding! I'm dying!

(He falls)

PARISHIONER 3: He's dying! He's bleeding!

PARISHIONER 4: He's bleeding!

PARISHIONER 3: Murder!

PARISHIONER 4: Murder!

PARISHIONER 3: Is there a doc in the house?

PARISHIONER 4: Is there a cop in the house?

WOMAN 3: It's a church.

(DOCTOR KLEIN makes her way through everyone and examines the body)

DR. KLEIN: He's dead, Tim.

(DETECTIVE NOBLE pushes his way through the crowd)

NOBLE: Noble here, detective, police. Back off. This is a crime scene. (Yelling to the priest) Father, I'm afraid Mass is over, Father. This is a crime scene now.

FATHER MULTOVER: But you can't . . . this is a Catholic . . . we're not done . . .

NOBLE: I'm afraid you are, Father.

FATHER MULTOVER: Commandment . . . keep holy the Sabbath . . . we . . . well, at least Communion was done.

NOBLE: Communion is done. Church is over. Everyone needs to pray, but not here. (To people who are trying to edge closer to the body as the lights start to dim) Back off everyone, this is a crime scene now.

PARISHIONER 5: Oh, this ain't no big city thingamajig. This is just us.

NOBLE: Big city or small, we have to do it right. There has to be an investigation. (To the bystanders as the lights go to black) You, tell me, who was close to the body? Who else had seats in this pew? Were you here?

(Lights are black)

SCENE FIVE

(Lights up on a darkened church; there is a small amount of light spilling from a confessional behind the curtain stage left, as well as the hint of candlelight from off stage right; THEO enters and crosses to the curtain; he kneels in front of it; FATHER MULTOVER is behind the curtain the whole time)

THEO: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been about a day since my last confession.

FATHER MULTOVER: A day?

THEO: Yes, Father.

FATHER MULTOVER: Son, you generally have to go to confession once every week or so, not every day. Some people go months, or years, though they shouldn't. Unless it's a special occasion like Christmas or Easter or you did something terrible like kill someone. (Silence) Other than that once a week is fine. So, unless . . .

(Pause)

THEO: Father, you're sworn to secrecy, right?

FATHER MULTOVER: Yes.

THEO: I mean, if someone tells you something, even if it's something bad like selling drugs or breaking the law, you can't tell, right?

FATHER MULTOVER: Yes. Otherwise people would be afraid to confess as they should.

THEO: Even if it's something like murder?

FATHER MULTOVER: That's right, even if it's something like murder, although nobody's ever confessed that one to me.

THEO: Then I killed someone.

(Pause)

FATHER MULTOVER: Okay, well, there's a first time for everything. What do I . . . you know that's wrong . . . right? . . . life is sacred and you . . . you can't . . . murder . . . murder is . . . sixth commandment . . . fourth . . . fifth . . . fourth . . . no, it's . . .

THEO: I didn't mean to.

FATHER MULTOVER: . . . it's . . . mean to what?

THEO: Mean to kill him. It was an accident. My hand slipped.

FATHER MULTOVER: Well, that's good. That helps.

THEO: And then he was bleeding and I got scared. It happened in church today.

FATHER MULTOVER: There was a killing in our church today.

THEO: Yes, I know.

FATHER MULTOVER: You heard about that?

THEO: That's what I'm talking about, Father.

FATHER MULTOVER: Oh, you . . . I see . . . that . . . the one in our church . . . that was you . . . an accident . . . that slit throat . . . an accident.

THEO: Yeah. What's my penance?

FATHER MULTOVER: Penance? I don't know. The thing is, you should turn yourself in. But I can understand your fear if it was indeed an accident. And, well, I shouldn't be saying this . . . if it'll make you feel better . . . it's probably a relief for his family. He was a terrible alcoholic and womanizer. He beat his kids. He probably shouldn't have been allowed the sacrament. So his misery is done and his family is free of him. I shouldn't . . . maybe I shouldn't . . . be making those judgements, but I'm sure it's all for the best.

THEO: I hope so, Father.

FATHER MULTOVER: So, if it were murder . . . then . . . then your penance would be steep. Or, if it were an upstanding Christian man . . . then . . . then I think . . . your penance would be dear. But given the circumstances . . . I can't hardly blame . . . I mean, I can blame . . . there can be blame . . . God can blame . . . I don't know. It's up to God. God must have decided it was that man's time. So, let's say 50 Our Fathers, 150 Hail Marys, and an Act of Contrition. I've never had one like this, so . . . so . . . I don't really know the appropriate penalty.

THEO: Oh, and I lied once since yesterday.

FATHER MULTOVER: Add an Our Father and Hail Mary and we'll be done with it. And please, please, don't come back tomorrow.

THEO: Thank you, Father. For these and all my sins I am sorry.

FATHER MULTOVER: Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord. Wait. Actually, why don't you throw in a rosary, too? Would that be okay?

THEO: Sure, Father, thanks. (Pause) Can I ask you something?

FATHER MULTOVER: Sure.

THEO: I like saying the rosary. I like praying. It brings me closer to God. Why is praying considered a punishment?

FATHER MULTOVER: Well, it's not . . . praying . . . it's not . . . good . . . question. Your question. Good. You're right. Penance is not punishment. Its purpose is to bring you closer to God. Go in peace. God bless you.

THEO: Thank you, Father.

(THEO exits; lights up on the church; townspeople are gathering for a community meeting; FATHER MULTOVER comes out from behind the curtain; THEO re-enters with DAD)

FATHER MULTOVER (after everyone is in place): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to St. Tarcisius Catholic Church. I know some of you are not Catholics. (Pause; then with a forced laugh) Don't let the statues scare you. We opened up the Church only because it's the largest place in town—larger than the Methodist church even—large enough to hold an all-community meeting. Thanks for coming. (With another forced laugh) Feel free to come back again on Sunday. (No response; pause) Thanks. Now, here is our esteemed mayor, Mayor Burger.

MAYOR BURGER: Thank you, Father. Guys and gals, we're here tonight because our town has seen something we never thought we'd see and that's a murder. We don't know how to deal with these things. We don't have experience. So the grief counselor from the capital suggested we have a community meeting to talk about it, air things out, get things out on the table, and to stop rumors before they take wings, or after they've gotten started, but before they have a chance to gain steam, or after that, but before everyone in town knows everything for sure when nothing's really known. So to stop all that before it starts we're here to give you what we know and to answer what we can. We're doing this with experts like Dr. Klein. You all know Dr. Klein. She brought a lot of you into the world and has taken a lot of your friends and family out of it. Here's Dr. Klein now to give you the medical low-down on this killing.

DR. KLEIN (stepping up): Thank you, Honorable Mayor Burger. I am here to tell you what we know about the murder at Sunday's Mass. First of all, it was a murder, committed with a sharp instrument. The victim's throat was slit and the jugular vein was cut. The victim lost too much blood before it was even noticed that he had been cut. There was a massive blood loss. That's all.

MAYOR BURGER: Okay, now Detective Noble of our very own police department who is heading up the investigation.

NOBLE: We know a man is dead. We know his throat was brutally cut. As the doctor so medically described. We have no motive, except that a lot of people thought he was a bastard. (There is a gasp from the crowd) It's true. Everyone knew it. Even his own family. So there were people with a motive. A lot of people with a motive. But for opportunity it appears there were only a few people anywhere near him when this tragic thing happened. All of those people are the primary suspects and are under investigation. That's all I can tell you for now. Mayor?

MAYOR BURGER: There you go, the experts. Are there any questions?

CITIZEN 1: Was he dead in the church?

DR. KLEIN: Yes, before either Detective Noble or I got to him.

DAD: I have a son who is an altar boy in this church. What are you doing to protect the children?

CITIZEN 2: I have three children.

DAD: How do we know our children are safe in our own houses?

CITIZEN 2: I have three houses.

DAD: And what about our businesses?

CITIZEN 2: I have three businesses.

DAD: What are you doing to protect us?

MAYOR BURGER: I'm leaving that to the cops.

NOBLE: We're here to protect and serve and we'll do that. We're cops. It's our job.

SISTER RALPH: But what are you doing? You didn't answer his question.

NOBLE: We can't answer that in the interests of protecting community security. Any other questions?

FATHER MULTOVER: Could it have been an accident?

NOBLE: No. Next?

FATHER MULTOVER: No possibility at all?

NOBLE: No. Next?

FATHER MULTOVER: Absolutely?

NOBLE: No. Next. And this time someone other than Father Multover.

CITIZEN 1: You said the man's family hated him. Could it have been a murder for hire?

NOBLE: Anything's possible. We're investigating every possibility.

FATHER MULTOVER: Including an accident?

NOBLE: No, next.

SISTER MORGAN: What kind of tools do you have to investigate?

NOBLE: I'm not sure what you mean.

SISTER MORGAN: First of all, how do you know it wasn't an accident?

NOBLE: The man's throat was slit.

SISTER MORGAN: Have you ever conducted a murder investigation before?

NOBLE: No, we don't have murders here every day.

SISTER MORGAN: Then how do you know?

MAYOR BURGER: Who are you?

SISTER MORGAN: I am Sister Morgan Superior of the Vatican. I was sent here to investigate this crime. It happened on church property so the church wants to get to the bottom of it.

(There is a general hub-bub of discussion among the citizens)

NOBLE: This is an official police investigation.

SISTER RALPH: And this is our church.

SISTER MORGAN: The church is only interested in the truth.

NOBLE: Just don't interfere with my official investigation and we can be friends, Sister.

SISTER RALPH: Just don't get in my way and we won't be enemies.

SISTER MARY MASON: Father, is there anything else we need to discuss?

FATHER MULTOVER: No, Mother Mason, I believe we're done.

MAYOR BURGER: Thank you everyone for coming today. Let the healing begin.

CITIZENS: Amen.

(Blackout)

CITIZEN 1 (in the dark): Wait, I'm a psychiatrist. Doesn't anyone want to talk about their feelings?

SCENE SIX

(Lights up on a nursing home; several old people are sitting around; THEO enters)

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Good afternoon, Theo. It's good to see you again.

THEO: Hi.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Who are you visiting today?

THEO: I don't know. Who's the loneliest?

NURSE SHAWCROSS (laughing): Me, but you're too young. So who are you visiting?

THEO (nervously laughing): I don't know yet.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: You know, nobody ever comes to visit me. They visit all the old hags who don't even know they're here and they ignore me. You ignore me. It's not fair.

THEO: I s'pose not.

(Pause)

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Well, I'm sure you'll find the person who needs you the most.

THEO: Thanks.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: And I'm sure she'll be younger than me.

THEO (chuckling): I doubt it.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: I'll be around if you need me.

THEO (smiling slightly): Okay. (Pause) I'm gonna go find somebody.

(He exits)

NURSE SHAWCROSS (turning to one of the old ladies): He's such a lady-killer, isn't he?

OLD LADY: What? What?

NURSE SHAWCROSS: I said he's a . . .

OLD LADY: What?

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Lady . . . never mind.

OLD LADY: I want to go to my room.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Okay, I'll take you. I'll walk you there. Come on.

OLD LADY: Thank you, Miss Shawcross.

(NURSE SHAWCROSS exits with OLD LADY and THEO re-enters; he crosses to MRS. MILLER, who is sitting in a wheel chair; MR. POLCRATZ is also still sleeping in his chair)

THEO: Hi. How ya doin'?

MRS. MILLER: Oh, fine, yeah fine. I'm doing fine.

THEO: Good, that's nice to hear.

MRS. MILLER: When I was a girl my daddy died. Did I ever tell you that?

THEO: No, I don't think so. I don't know.

MRS. MILLER (suddenly): Who are you? Who the hell are you?

THEO: Theo, Ma'am.

MRS. MILLER: Theo. Do I know you?

THEO: We've talked before. I stop by once in a while.

MRS. MILLER: When I was a girl my daddy died, my daddy died, my daddy died.

THEO: Yeah.

MRS. MILLER: My daddy died and went to Heaven.

THEO: Yeah.

MRS. MILLER: I miss my daddy. I want to go to Heaven.

THEO: I understand. My mom's there . . . I think.

MRS. MILLER: Your mama died? (He nods quietly) You're too young to be without a mama. You poor, dear boy. When I was your age my daddy died. Died and went to Heaven. (Long pause) I'm so sad. (Pause) And pathetic. (Pause) I am.

THEO (taking her hand): I understand. I'm sad about my mom too.

MRS. MILLER: Who are you?

THEO: Theo.

MRS. MILLER: I don't think I know you. You don't know me. You wouldn't know it but when I was a younger woman I was pretty. (He smiles) Really, I was very pretty. All the boys wanted me. I had a dress. It was so pretty.

THEO: I'm sure it was.

MRS. MILLER: I'm old now, old.

THEO: No, you're not so old.

MRS. MILLER: I'm old. When I was a girl my daddy died and it's been 70 years. I've been old for 70 years, alone for 70 years. (A sudden shift in mood) Mama! I'm hungry! I'm really hungry!

THEO: I think Nurse Shawcross is getting dinner ready.

MRS. MILLER: If I go to Heaven I can ask my daddy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. When I was a girl me and my daddy danced. (She laughs suddenly) Oh, he would lift me up and twirl me around. (She cries) Yes, yes, lift me up. Oh, God, I want to die. I just want to die.

(Long pause)

THEO (standing and taking her arm): Let's go for a walk.

MRS. MILLER: I like to walk, but it's so hard these days. That's why I use the chair most of the time. You have to hold me close.

THEO: I know.

MRS. MILLER: Who are you again?

THEO: Theo. Look, I want to show you something.

MRS. MILLER: What is it?

THEO: I don't know, it's a dress. It's your old dress.

MRS. MILLER: Oh, oh, I haven't seen that dress in years. I was so pretty in it. Really, I was.

THEO: I know. I want to see.

MRS. MILLER: You make me so happy, Theo.

THEO: I try. Come here. It's downstairs. (He opens the door/curtain and pushes her through) Sorry, I'm so sorry.

(THEO crosses to MR. POLCRATZ and wheels him out opposite; NURSE SHAWCROSS re-enters and goes to her desk; she looks around, then goes back to paperwork; THEO re-enters with MR. POLCRATZ)

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Ah, Theo, you came back to me.

THEO: Yeah. I was just talking to Mr. Polcratz.

(THEO wheels MR. POLCRATZ back to his spot and then crosses back to NURSE SHAWCROSS)

THEO: Well, I should be going.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: So you went with Mr. Polcratz today.

THEO: Yeah, he seemed lonely.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: He's always lonely.

THEO: Yeah.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: I don't know why you bother visiting him. He has no memory. He won't remember you were here within 10 minutes.

THEO: Yeah, I know.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: So what's the point?

THEO: He's happy while I'm here.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: You're such a good boy.

(NOBLE and CORONER enter, cross quickly, and exit out other side)

NURSE SHAWCROSS (referring to the cross of Noble and Coroner): I wonder what that's all about.

THEO: I don't know. Looked like they were in a hurry, though.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Sure did.

THEO: Well, I should go.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Come back again soon.

THEO: I will.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Come back and visit me.

(THEO smiles and exits; NURSE enters)

NURSE: Nurse Shawcross, someone just found a body at the bottom of the stairs.

NURSE SHAWCROSS (crossing): Oh, dear God, I just left for a second.

(Noble and Coroner enter from the area of the stairs)

NOBLE (to Nurse Shawcross): You, what were you doing when this happened?

NURSE SHAWCROSS: I was helping with the food.

NOBLE: Who else was here?

NURSE: I was.

NOBLE: Who else?

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Why?

NOBLE: There's a woman at the bottom of the stairs.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Who?

NURSE: Mrs. Miller.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: What was she doing there? That's off limits. She never goes near there.

CORONER: She's dead.

NOBLE: Maybe someone took her there. Maybe someone pushed her. (Crosses to MR. POLCRATZ in chair) Excuse me, Sir. Sir! Sir! Oh, my God, another one!

(NURSE SHAWCROSS crosses to MR. POLCRATZ and shakes him violently)

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Mr. Polcratz, wake up! It's time to wake up!

NOBLE: You, old man, what have you been doing?

NURSE SHAWCROSS: Sleeping.

MR. POLCRATZ: Huh? Huh? Ah, eee, uuh, uh.

NOBLE: Answer me.

MR. POLCRATZ: Uya, uh, uya.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: He doesn't speak.

NOBLE: Oh. O.K. We're gonna leave, but I'm coming back later to investigate this. I wanna know everyone who was here and what they were doing.

(They exit; the two nurses cross and look down the stairs as the lights go to black)

SCENE SEVEN

(Lights up on church; the town is having another meeting)

DR. KLEIN: There were massive contusions, multiple bruises and breaks. She was an old woman and she fell down an entire flight of stairs. There is bound to be some heavy damage in that case. And there was, particularly cranial damage. Had she lived we believe there may have been permanent brain damage, though we're not sure if that would have been the result of the fall. Also, two of her fingernails were badly damaged. We believe that was from the fall.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: But was she pushed? That's the question.

DR. KLEIN: I'm a doctor, not a detective.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: So I'm a nurse. What's your point?

NOBLE: I'll take it from here. The coroner has determined that the cause of death is undetermined.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: I could have figured a 90-year old woman falling down a flight of stairs might lead to death. But was she pushed?

NOBLE: Undetermined as far as whether she was pushed or fell. We're still investigating. What we've got is three deaths, none of which have been shown to be murders at this time. One of them had enemies, especially those closest to him. The others appear to have been loved. There's no evidence of murder and there's no apparent motive. The coroner says undetermined.

SISTER MORGAN: Who is the coroner?

CORONER: I am.

SISTER MORGAN: From what medical college did you get your degree?

CORONER: I didn't.

SISTER MORGAN: What are your qualifications?

CORONER: I was elected.

SISTER MORGAN: Why?

SISTER RALPH: I've wondered that very thing.

CORONER: Because I got the most votes.

SISTER MORGAN: I don't believe you're qualified.

MAYOR BURGER: For what? She's the best plumber in the county.

SISTER MORGAN: So she can fix pipes. Who says she can deal with death?

DAD: Who says anyone can deal with death?

SISTER RALPH: Who says she can fix pipes?

FATHER MULTOVER: Hold it! Hold it! I think we've gotten a little off track. The point is . . . reason . . . the point is . . . something about death . . . the point is . . . oh, what the hell is the point?

SISTER MARY MASON: The point, Father, is that three people in our community have died in just the last couple weeks. Neighboring communities are starting to call our town Death Valley. Three people in a matter of days. The first one appears to be from natural causes, although I think we may want to go back and look at it closer now. The second one we were told was a murder, although Father, you were convinced it was an accident, but won't say why or what you think happened. It sure looked like a murder. The third one appears to have been an accident, but may have been a murder made to look like a fall. We may never know. The point is three people have died and it's causing us to argue amongst ourselves. We are a Christian people. Death should bring us closer to each other and to God. Death should be a healing thing.

SISTER RALPH: Physician, heal thyself.

DR. KLEIN: What did she say? (Pause; no answer) No, really, what did she say?

SISTER MARY MASON: I said that death should be healing, that's the point.

DAD: The point is that all this death is saving a dying town.

MAYOR BURGER: I wish folks would quit saying that. This is not and was not a dying town. This is not Death Valley. This is a vibrant, growing place. This is a town on the cusp of manhood.

SISTER RALPH: That is hockey puck. This town makes the dinosaurs' extinction look like a short hibernation.

DAD: Well, the hibernation is over, sister, 'cause I gotta tell ya, I've made more money in the last couple weeks than in the last half year before that. And I'm not the only one. The floral shop is doin' bang-up business, the funeral home, of course, the padre here. Hell, even my boy is bringing home tip money from grieving families. The restaurant's catering again, the tailor, the dry cleaner. And all those people are spending their money on movies, food, electronics, and those shop owners are spending on other things. This town's doin' well. We're only dyin' if the dyin' stops.

SISTER MORGAN: What are you suggesting?

MAYOR BURGER: That's the craziest thing I ever heard.

NOBLE: Are you suggesting killing people for a better life?

DAD: I'm suggesting nothin', except that that might be your motive.

(There is a general hubbub of conversation)

NOBLE: Well, anyway, that's all we know for now.

MAYOR BURGER: Any other questions or comments?

THEO: I don't know if you wanna hear from a kid . . .

SISTER MARY MASON: Of course we do, Theo, shoot.

THEO: I think death is natural.

MAYOR BURGER: What's that supposed to mean?

THEO: That maybe you're all making too much fuss about it. My whole life I hear people sayin' that death comes in threes and then when it really does everyone freaks out. Maybe it was just their time. Maybe God just said, "I wanna call them home" and then He did it. Maybe everyone should just chill.

SISTER RALPH: I think the kid may have a point.

NURSE SHAWCROSS: From the mouths of babes.

MAYOR BURGER: Okay, then, meeting adjourned. Everyone go home and go to bed.

NOBLE: But make sure to lock your doors. It may not have been their time. Good night.

(The townspeople exit talking among themselves until only THEO and DAD are left on stage)

DAD: Son, I'm proud of ya for sayin' what you had to say.

THEO: You too, Dad.

DAD: Yeah, well, I meant it. I don't wish no ill will on anyone, you know, but man, the last couple weeks we've been doin' well. How much did ya make on Mrs. Miller's funeral?

THEO: They gave me twenty bucks.

DAD: And a free lunch, I'll bet.

THEO: Yeah.

DAD: Ham?

THEO: Ham.

DAD: Potato salad?

THEO: Potato salad.

DAD: Chocolate cake?

THEO: Pudding.

DAD: That's not so bad.

THEO: Nah, I liked it.

DAD: So I'm doin' well, too. I mean, think about it, you and I, we've been eating pretty well lately. We've had some extra money. Like I said, I don't wish nobody harm, but if this keeps up I might get outta debt. Our county coroner told me the same thing.

THEO: I don't see how that ties in.

DAD: Well, I think it's just that everyone else has more to go around.

THEO: Yeah.

DAD: And I don't mean disrespect or anything, but none of those people will be missed. One of 'em was hated, the other two were old. How much were they still contributing to society? God could probably use them better.

THEO: Makes sense to me.

DAD: Well, hey, whatcha doin' right now? Wanna go catch a movie again?

THEO: Sure, but I don't want to see a comedy today.

DAD: Your choice. You buying?

THEO: No, you're the rich one.

(They exit)

SCENE EIGHT

(Lights up on the convent; SISTER MARY MASON is praying; there is a knock at the door)

SISTER MARY MASON: Come in.

(FATHER MULTOVER enters with SISTER MORGAN SUPERIOR)

FATHER MULTOVER: Sorry to disturb you, Mother.

SISTER MARY MASON: I was attempting a novena.

FATHER MULTOVER: Ah, praying for the end of the murders.

SISTER MARY MASON: Actually, no, it was a crop thing. For the spring.

FATHER MULTOVER: Little early for that . . . I think . . . winter . . . dead . . .

SISTER MORGAN: It's always a good time to pray for crops, Father.

FATHER MULTOVER: Yes, I guess . . . farmers . . . lifeblood . . . I've been praying about the murders. Anyway, Sister Mason . . . Mother . . . Mother Mary Mason . . . I'd like to introduce you to Mother Superior. No . . . Sister . . . Sister Superior . . . Sister Morgan Superior. She'll be your guest during her investigation.

SISTER MARY MASON: But Father, I only have one spare cot.

FATHER MULTOVER: She is a guest of our church. I have but one bed . . . and . . . well, that wouldn't be good, I don't think . . . I mean, a priest and a nun . . . it's . . . people would talk. They would make jokes. I could see some jokes there.

SISTER MARY MASON: I understand, Father. Sister, will a cot do for you?

SISTER MORGAN: I don't need a cot. At the Vatican my bed is a stone floor. This will be a comfort.

SISTER MARY MASON: Oh, no, I insist you take a cot.

SISTER MORGAN: It is something I promised when I took my vows. I can't. But thanks, Sister.

FATHER MULTOVER: I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you have a lot in common.

SISTER MARY MASON: Yes, we're nuns, Catholic, both of us.

FATHER MULTOVER: I'm Catholic, too! (Beat) Oh, I get it. I know that. I guess you knew that, too. Well, good night.

SISTER MARY MASON & SISTER MORGAN: Good night, Father.

(He exits; there is a long, uncomfortable silence)

SISTER MORGAN: Sister, I'll just come right out and ask it. Why don't you like me?

SISTER MARY MASON: I beg your pardon?

SISTER MORGAN: Listen, Sister, I'm trained to be observant. It's part of my job. I notice everything, including behavioral patterns, body language, the way words are put together.

SISTER MARY