(Lights up on Debbie alone on the stage; she is pacing; suddenly Gary bursts in on her; he is holding a gun)

GARY: You, bitch, freeze! Get down on your knees.

DEBBIE: Oh, no. Whatdya want? Who are you?

GARY: Don’t ask, Baby. Just do what I say! Okay? Okay?

DEBBIE: Okay, whatever you want. Just don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me.

GARY: Do what I say and you’ll be all right. Got it?

DEBBIE: Yeah, whatever. I mean, whatever you say.

GARY: Then get down on your knees. Like the fuckin’ sleaze that you are.

(She does; he takes a rope and ties her hands behind her back)

DEBBIE: What are you gonna do to me?

GARY: You’ll see. (He starts unbuttoning his pants) Open your mouth, Baby, the airplane’s about to land.

(Suddenly Debbie’s hands are in front of her, untied)

DEBBIE: Hold it, hold it.

GARY: What?

DEBBIE: Cancel the flight, Sky King. You did it again.

GARY: Did what? What flight?

DEBBIE: You tied the rope like a Cub Scout flunkie. My hands are free. See? I can’t be at your mercy if my fuckin’ hands are free. Jesus Christ, if this was a bank robbery the customers would be takin’ money from you. Or fuckin’ ya up the ass.

GARY: Oh, come on. Pretend a little. It’s a game.

DEBBIE: I wanna fantasize, not pretend. There’s a difference. Let’s try it again.

GARY: I’m already ready, if you know what I mean.

DEBBIE: So?

GARY: So let’s keep going.

DEBBIE: It’s no good for me if the scene is gone.

GARY: So whatd’ya want?

DEBBIE: Try it again.

GARY: What?

DEBBIE: Try it again. Make it good for me.

GARY: All right. Jesus Christ. Give me the rope. (She hands him the rope) I’ll be right back.

DEBBIE: Don’t tell me you’ll be right back. We’re not supposed to even know each other. It’s not a fantasy trip if you tell me you’ll be right back. Jesus.

GARY: Okay, I’m outta here, and maybe I’ll bring some other fuckin’ creep back with me who may just do somethin’ nasty to ya, ‘cause maybe I ain’t gonna be here to protect ya no more, you know? Okay? Is that okay?

DEBBIE: Whatever. Just go. If I was a man I’d be soft by now.

GARY: No, not if you were a man, you wouldn’t. And I’m the man.

DEBBIE: Yeah, right, Cub Scout.

GARY: Okay, do you wanna do this or not? Huh? Yeah or nay? What? What is it?

DEBBIE: Yeah, yeah I do. (Pause) Well, get the fuck out, so we can start. You just have to learn to tie a little better.

GARY: Well, that’s why you deal with rope when we hit a place, ain’t it?

DEBBIE: Let’s not talk work. Let’s just do this. Go.

GARY: All right, I’ll be right back.

DEBBIE: Jesus, shut the . . .

GARY: I’m gone. Just gone. Maybe I won’t be back.

(He exits; she stands there alone and starts to pace; some time passes; she looks out the door)

DEBBIE: Gary? Gary? (She turns and goes back into the apartment) What the hell.

(Suddenly Gary comes charging into the apartment with his gun drawn; another man is with him.)

GARY: Hey you, bitch! Don’t move. Danny, take the rope and tie her up.

DEBBIE: What the fuck are you doin’?

GARY: Don’t talk, lady. The last time I saw you I told ya I might come back here and let some other creep fuck ya up. Din’t I tell ya that?

DEBBIE: Gary, are you fuckin’ crazy?

GARY: Hey, you don’t know me. I’m not Gary to you. Remember? Do ya remember ya don’t know me? Huh?

DEBBIE: This ain’t funny.

GARY: You asked for it. Right? Right? Tie her up, Danny.

(Debbie gets up and grabs her bag, pulls a gun out and points it at Danny’s crotch)

DEBBIE: Danny, what’re ya doin’?

DANNY: Nothing, man. Gary just came down to my apartment and said to come with. So I did.

GARY: I told ya I was gonna . . .

DEBBIE: Oh, Jesus.

GARY: Well?

DEBBIE: Gary, Danny’s my brother. I’m not gonna go down on my brother. Not ‘ny more. We’re grown-ups now.

GARY: But you said . . .

DEBBIE: I didn’t say. You’re a loser. That’s what I do say. Loser. Speakin’ of losers, Danny, go home.

DANNY: It’s not like we’d be fuckin’ or shit. He just said ya were gonna go down on it.

DEBBIE: Danny, if you don’t go home I’m gonna blow your nuts off, okay? And neither your sister or your mother are gonna kiss ‘em and make ‘em better, okay?

DANNY: Okay, sure. Whatever. I don’t care. (Beat) Mom’s dead.

DEBBIE: Like I don’t know that. Go.

DANNY (leaving): Just trying to do Gary a favor. Nobody appreciates nothin’ no more.

(Danny exits)

DEBBIE: What the hell were you thinking?

GARY: I dunno. I guess I wasn’t. He lives a floor below and I thought . . . I just thought that . . . you know . . . a third person might . . .

DEBBIE: Don’t. No good. Never mind. Don’t wanna know. Forget it.

GARY: Jesus, all right, I’m sorry. Let’s try again. I’ll be right back.

DEBBIE: No!

GARY: I wont’ be right back. I didn’t mean that. You know what I mean.

DEBBIE: No. No, let’s just do it normal. Fuck the fantasy. We’ll save it for a rainy day. Let’s just get into bed, under the sheets, and do it normal. We get enough of the guns and the ropes and stuff every day anyway. It’s what we do. Let’s just do it.

GARY: All right. Whatever you want, Baby. I’m all about satisfyin’ you.

DEBBIE (getting on the floor): Good. Then come ‘ere. Come to Mama.

GARY (laying beside her): Okay, Daddy’s comin’. Daddy’s comin’.

DEBBIE: He is. I forgot.

GARY: What?

DEBBIE: Your mother called. Her and your rich stepfather are comin’ tonight. I totally forgot. We gotta get ready.

GARY: We can’t . . . what’re they comin’ for?

DEBBIE: I dunno. Maybe she hasn’t seen any cockroaches since she married him. I don’t know. They’re comin’ to visit, whatdya think?

GARY: Ah, Jeez, I hate that bastard. He’s a jerk.

DEBBIE: Yeah, but he’s rich and he’s old and he’s married to your mother. Just think, when he dies, you might be rich and young and get away from your mother. Just treat him nice. With his money we wouldn’t have to be robbin’ any gas stations or anything. We could live as high off the hog as we used to, when we first started in the bank business.

GARY: I will, I just hate it. I’ll be nice.

DEBBIE: Do you think your mother really believes you’re in the banking business?

GARY: Well, I don’t think she knows we rob ‘em, if that’s what you mean.

DEBBIE: She’s sorta stupid.

GARY: But he’s not. I’m afraid he might figure it out some day.

DEBBIE: Wouldn’t that be a twist? The man who owns the security alarm business figurin’ out his stepson is a thief, a robber, a breakerer and enterer.

GARY: Baby, you got me goin’ now. Let me shoot my big gun in you. We got time. It’s loaded and the bullets are ready to fly. Let me tie you up and shoot.

DEBBIE: All right, quick, get the rope. But I wanna come too.

GARY (reaching for the rope): All right, bitch, you’re mine.

DEBBIE: It’s about time.

GARY: Fight it, come on. Act like you care.

(She starts to scream; there is a knock at the door)

DEBBIE: Ah, shit, they’re here.

GARY: Jeez, timing.

(She gets up, crosses to the door, and opens it; a police officer is at the door)

DEBBIE (opening the door): Hi. We’ve been expecting you.

OFFICER: You have?

DEBBIE: Whatd’you want?.

GARY: We didn’t do nothin’.

OFFICER: You called? I thought the neighbors called.

DEBBIE: Neighbors?

OFFICER: Somebody called and said it sounds like a rape or something here. I’m a cop. We investigate things like that. It’s my job.

GARY: You got the wrong place, I guess.

OFFICER: Maybe, but I heard a scream. Just now.

DEBBIE: That was me. (Beat) I was trying to mean it.

OFFICER (to Gary; pointing to the spot where they had been laying): Is that a gun? Why are you holding a rope in your hand?

GARY: I couldn’t find a belt.

DEBBIE: Gary, shut up. Look, it’s a little embarrassing, but . . .

OFFICER: No, I’d like to hear what he has to say.

GARY: I carry a gun for protection.

DEBBIE (nervously laughing): I keep telling him a rubber would be better.

(Awkward silence)

OFFICER: I take it you two are together?

GARY: Yeah.

OFFICER: Seems like you deserve each other.

DEBBIE: Well, we’re not together at the moment, because you knocked at the door.

OFFICER: And there’s no one else here?

GARY: No, no, not at all.

OFFICER: Is that gun registered?

DEBBIE: Listen, this isn’t Dragnet. It’s a private apartment where two people were gettin’ down with each other. It’s not like we use the thing to rob people. It’s part of a game. If you must know I like him to put it in me. Sort of like a sexual Russian roulette, but without the bullets.

OFFICER: I don’t need to hear this.

DEBBIE: It’s not even real.

OFFICER: You don’t have to tell me any more. The investigation is over.

DEBBIE: Thanks Officer, because, you know, we wanna get back to it.

OFFICER: Okay, I don’t need to know. Just try to keep it down. You can have your fun without being loud. The neighbors, remember.

DEBBIE: Okay, bye. Thanks for your concern.

(The police officer exits)

GARY: You’re so fuckin’ smart sometimes.

DEBBIE: That’s why I’m the brains and you’re the muscle.

GARY: I’ll show you muscle, Baby. Come on. Let’s do this thing.

DEBBIE: Ya have to unzip your pants, Hon.

(There is a knock at the door)

GARY: Jesus Christ.

(Debbie goes to the door)

DEBBIE (as she’s answering the door): It’s open! Now what do you want?

MOTHER: Is that any way to greet someone? Miss Manners would be appalled.

DEBBIE: Oh, hi. We’ve been expecting you.

GARY: Well, she was.

DEBBIE: I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else. Come on in.

MOTHER: Thank you, that’s better. Good evening, Deborah.

DEBBIE: Debbie.

MOTHER: Deborah, I believe you know my husband.

DEBBIE: Debbie’s fine.

MOTHER: That’s good to hear. We’re doing well, too. Thanks. Darling, this is Deborah if you forgot. I know how you are. And you should know my son, Gary.

GARY: Hi, Mom. Dad.

STEPFATHER: Stepfather. You may call me stepfather.

GARY: I just thought Dad . . .

STEPFATHER: I’m not your Dad. We’ve been through this before. I’m your stepfather. I am your mother’s spouse. Just because I am wealthy does not mean that you should pander to me.

GARY: Mom, you know I didn’t mean . . .

MOTHER: Just call the man Stepfather, Gary. It’s what he wants.

STEPFATHER: Was that a police car out front?

MOTHER: Yes, is this neighborhood safe?

GARY: Yeah, Mom, it’s safe. They got a call and had to check it out. There was nothing.

MOTHER: Well, good.

GARY: So, I just found out you were coming. What’s up?

MOTHER: Oh, nothing. We just thought we’d stop by for a visit. See how you’re doing. How are things in the banking business, son?

GARY: Been better.

DEBBIE: Much.

GARY (to stepfather, after a long silence): How is your new business going, Stepfather?

STEPFATHER: Very well. My security systems are doing the job of keeping the money and possessions of my clients in their own hands, where it all belongs. We’ve recently added (mispronouncing the next word) retina scans . . .

MOTHER: Retina, honey.

STEPFATHER (still mispronouncing): Thank you, Dear. Thank you for correc ting me . . . we added retina scans and voice recognition software to even our most basic packages. Not one person has bypassed our security systems this year to successfully execute a robbery. Not one.

MOTHER: And fortunately for us, the clients pay dearly for their security.

STEPFATHER: Really, the money we’re charging them, for the cost of the materials and the service, is sort of outrageous.

MOTHER: But they’ll pay anything to feel safer in this world.

STEPFATHER (laughing): It’s highway robbery, really.

MOTHER: There’s a sucker born every minute.

DEBBIE: What’dya mean, sucker? Don’t they need your system to protect their property?

STEPFATHER: Well, yes and no.

MOTHER: We haven’t bothered, and we could install one for next to nothing.

STEPFATHER: You see, one of the reasons our success is so great is because we only sell to the rich. They’re the only ones who can afford it, actually.

MOTHER: Now dear, once in a while you do sell to poorer people who are dumb enough to put it on their credit cards.

STEPFATHER (chuckling): I even had one guy take out a loan.

MOTHER (laughing): He was afraid someone might break in and steal his collection of Elvis memorabilia.

STEPFATHER: Speaking of rich. But the rich, you see, we already live in well-patrolled and protected enclaves that are almost impossible for low-life scum to even find, let alone rob. Once, I even got lost trying to find a party at the Governor’s mansion.

DEBBIE: Scum?

MOTHER: He believes anyone who steals is scum.

DEBBIE: I figured that out.

MOTHER: And I think I agree.

GARY: Does that include the Governor?

STEPFATHER: The Governor is a good man.

MOTHER: He certainly knows how to host a party.

STEPFATHER: He certainly knows how to drink.

DEBBIE: Would you think your own son was scum if he stole?

MOTHER: That’s a ridiculous question. My baby might not be top shelf in a lot of ways, but he is not evil.

STEPFATHER: The point is, if they do find scum the local police immediately accost them for loitering, littering, and other suspicious behavior before they can do anything.

DEBBIE: How nice.

MOTHER: It is. To serve and protect.

STEPFATHER: Those who pay their salaries. I believe most thieves know they’re bound to receive more prison time for stealing from an aristocratic family, or even one of new wealth, than from knocking over their fellow low-life’s corner grocery. So why not take the easier mark?

GARY: Makes sense to me.

MOTHER: Oh, Gary, you don’t know anything about robbery or security. You’re no scum. You’re a banker.

STEPFATHER (laughing): On the contrary, dear, bankers are the worst robbers of all. They charge outrageous interest on loans while giving almost none back on deposits, and those deposits are used to invest and make even more money for the banks. It is the finest scam ever invented. Other than insurance.

MOTHER: You shouldn’t talk that way. I think my son believes he is making an honest living.

GARY: Yeah, I am.

STEPFATHER: Honest, maybe. A living, I’m not sure.

MOTHER: Well, it’s certainly better than Deborah’s brother is doing at that burger place. At least they’re doing better than that.

GARY: You have such a way of makin’ me feel so good about myself, Mother.

STEPFATHER: I think that what your mother is saying is that if you were making better money your living circumstances should be better as well. I was going to try to sell you a security system today, but I don’t think you need it. I noticed that when we walked in the room.

GARY: No, we don’t, I guess.

STEPFATHER: And you probably couldn’t afford it either.

GARY: Prob’ly not.

DEBBIE: We could charge it, Gary.

MOTHER: What are you making these days?

DEBBIE: Less and less all the time.

GARY: My job keeps getting harder and I keep bringing home less.

DEBBIE: Almost as little as Danny now.

MOTHER: Inflation.

STEPFATHER: I’m so sorry to hear that, Stepson. Well, we should be going then. It was so nice seeing you again.

MOTHER: Gary, Deborah, take care.

DEBBIE: Debbie.

MOTHER: And call once in a while. We should really get together for a laugh or two.

GARY: I will. Bye, Mother, Father.

STEPFATHER: Stepfather. I am your stepfather. Good night.

(They exit)

GARY: Good night, Stepfucker.

MOTHER (reentering): By the way, it always means so much to see you.

DEBBIE (under her breath): Whatever.

(They exit; Gary and Debbie are in the corner with their backs to the audience; Danny enters; an off stage voice speaks.)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the County’s Most Wanted, a public service program brought to you by 24-7 Convenience Stores and your County Sheriff’s office. Remember, a $1,000 reward is given for the arrest and conviction of persons from this program and callers may remain anonymous.

DANNY: A thousand dollars. That’s more money than I’ve had my whole life.

ANOUNCER: You could buy all sorts of things with that.

DANNY: I could buy all sorts of things with that.

ANNOUNCER: The Union Bank was robbed at gunpoint last night. Police are looking for this man and woman.

(Gary and Debbie turn around)

DANNY: That’s funny. It looks like Gary and Debbie.

ANNOUNCER: They were captured by the bank security system.

DANNY: Duh, if they were captured already who’s gonna get the reward?

ANNOUNCER: The woman was overheard to call the man Gary.

DANNY: Wow, he has the same name as Gary.

ANNOUNCER: They fled the bank on foot . . .

DANNY: Duh, this guy’s dumb.

ANNOUNCER: . . . but dropped most of the cash on the way out of the bank.

DANNY: Talk about dumb. That could be Gary.

ANNOUNCER: The cash was dropped when the male suspect stopped and dropped his pants for the security camera.

DANNY: Cool. Maybe it is Gary.

ANNOUNCER: Positive identification can be made by a tattoo of a surfboard that goes across the suspect’s buttocks.

DANNY: I’ve never seen Gary’s ass.

ANNOUNCER: If you have seen this man or woman, please contact law enforcement authorities immediately. The couple is considered armed and dangerous. Remember, it could make you $1,000 richer.

DANNY: One thousand dollars rich. That would be so cool. I gotta go talk to Gary and Debbie.

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for Adopt-A-Pet, the show that lets you look at animals waiting to be adopted.

DANNY: Damn, I better go now. I don’t wanna miss that again today.

(He exits; the two come to life)

GARY: I still think it was too funny the way I mooned the camera.

DEBBIE: It was stupid.

GARY: I thought it was funny.

DEBBIE: But you dropped the money. We brought home $70 from an armed robbery that could get us 20 years. Those numbers aren’t good.

GARY: Shit, there’s other banks, other stores. There’s more money out there. The world’s full of money.

(A knock at the door)

DEBBIE: Less than there used to be. Who is it?

DANNY: Your bro, Danny.

DEBBIE: Come on in, it’s open.

DANNY: Hey.

GARY: Hey, what’s up?

DEBBIE: Hi, Danny.

DANNY: I thought I saw you two on T. V.

GARY: Wow, no shit.

DEBBIE: What’re ya talkin’ about, Danny?

DANNY: On the County’s Most Wanted show. It was cool.

GARY: Wow, T. V.? Me? On T. V.? That is cool.

DEBBIE: That’s not cool. Jesus, are you a fuckin’ idiot? Danny, what’d you see?

DANNY: I saw these two people who looked like you from a bank that was robbed. But I knew it couldn’t be you. Everyone has some twins, ya know?

GARY: So I wasn’t on T. V.? It was just someone who looked like me.

DANNY: Yeah, this guy had a tattoo across his ass. Of a surfboard. Ain’t that stupid? And I knew you wouldn’t be dumb enough to ink your ass with a surfboard. Ya ever go to prison with that and some tough guy’s gonna take it as an invitation to surf right on in, if you know what I mean.

GARY: How the fuck did they know that?

DEBBIE: You dropped your drawers for the camera. Remember? That’s why you dropped the cash. We were just reminiscin’ . . .

DANNY: Hey, that’s what the idiot on T. V. did. He dropped the money ‘cause he dropped trou and flashed his smilin’ moon at the camera. I wish they’da showed it. It’s cool. That’d be funny.

GARY: Jesus Christ, it was me.

DANNY: You, Gary?

GARY: Yeah, me.

DANNY: You got a surfboard on your ass?

GARY: Yeah, I do.

DANNY: Wait, that means you rob banks and stuff?

GARY: Yeah. (Beat) Jesus, Danny, sometimes you make Einstein look like a kindergartner, you know?

DANNY: Hey, thanks. But robbin’ banks?

GARY: I said yeah.

DANNY: Debbie, did you know that?

DEBBIE: Danny, I do it with him.

DANNY: Duh.

DEBBIE: I was the gal in the picture with him. Banks. Convenience stores. Houses. Whatever’s a good target. But the targets aren’t as good as they used to be, that’s for sure. That’s what we were just talkin’ about. We’re goin’ broke. We can’t afford rent.

DANNY: You guys could get in trouble.

GARY: Einstein strikes again.

DEBBIE: We gotta go into hiding, before someone tells.

GARY: Who’s gonna tell? The only one who knows is Danny.

DEBBIE: Maybe he wasn’t the only one to watch the show.

GARY: Yeah, like anyone with a brain watches that stuff.

DEBBIE: We gotta go.

GARY: Or the Adopt-A-Pet show. Jesus. There’s a ratings winner.

DANNY: I love that show. You watch it, Gary? Especially the dogs. The dogs are the best. It’s gonna be on in a few minutes.

DEBBIE: I’m gonna go get some things.

DANNY: Once they had on a guano you could adopt.

DEBBIE: Danny, that’s bat shit.

DANNY: No, it’s true. I saw it. I love lizards.

(She exits)

GARY: Goddam it all.

DANNY: Wow. I can’t believe that was you.

GARY: Well, it was. Now ya know.

DANNY: I’m in shock.

GARY: We never hurt nobody, Danny. Never.

DANNY: Well, I’m still in shock.

GARY: It’s okay.

DANNY: Shock.

GARY: I’ll be right back.

(He exits)

DANNY (exiting): A fuckin’ surfboard on his ass. Who’da guessed it? (Yelling off stage to them) Hey, I gotta go catch the show. I’ll let you know if I see ya on Adopt-A-Pet, too!

(Danny has exited; a clerk enters; he/she is listening to music on headphones and moving to the music; Gary and Debbie enter, talking.)

GARY: We don’t have to leave town. We just gotta lay low.

DEBBIE: Well, we can’t leave town. We can’t afford to take a Greyhound bus three blocks. We don’t have any choice.

GARY: We could take a city bus.

DEBBIE: That’s not the point.

GARY: Well, we’ll be all right. We just gotta keep working. (To clerk) Hey, it’s your lucky day. (The clerk ignores him) Hey, I’m a customer! (The clerk still ignores him; Gary grabs the clerk) Hey, hey!

CLERK (taking off headphones): What? Be a little patient, dude.

GARY: It’s your lucky day.

CLERK: Well, no it’s not, really. It’s not my lucky day.

GARY: I said it’s your lucky day.

CLERK: Look, we’re closed.

GARY: No, you’re open.

CLERK: We’re closed.

GARY: We walked in the door. You’re open.

CLERK: Bite me, we’re closed.

GARY (brandishing a gun): My friend here says you’re open.

CLERK: What the hell, man? Put that thing away.

GARY: Jesus Christ, whatever happened to customer service? Whatever happened to the customer is always right?

CLERK: Welcome to the 21^st century.

GARY (putting the gun to the clerk’s face): Welcome to your lucky day.

CLERK: Wait, man, I don’t want any trouble. We’re trained to give you whatever you want.

GARY: Coulda fooled me.

DEBBIE: We want all your money. Then we’ll put the guns away and go away. We don’t wanna hurt a young kid like you.

GARY: That’s debatable.

CLERK: There’s no money. We’re closed.

DEBBIE: You can’t tell me you’ve already dropped every last cent into a safe for the night. I’m gettin’ tired of that one.

CLERK: No, the boss took it. There is no safe. We’re closed permanently. Notice the empty shelves. We’ve been losing money for years.

GARY: How dumb do ya think we are? Huh?

DEBBIE: Gary, the shelves are empty. The kid’s not lyin’.

GARY: Ah, Jesus, we got rent to pay.

CLERK: I didn’t close it. I lost my job, dude. Lucky day, my ass.

GARY: Well, what the hell are we supposed to do, huh?

CLERK: Take what’s left. There’s some stuff left—in the back there. Just don’t shoot that thing.

GARY: Okay, don’t move or try anything stupid. Debbie, I’ll hold him while you grab stuff.

(She exits)

CLERK: Now come on, Gary, man, you wouldn’t hurt me, would you?

GARY: How’d ya know my name?

CLERK: Your wife just called you Gary.

GARY: She ain’t my wife. She’s my girlfriend.

DEBBIE (off stage): You shouldn’t be telling him that.

GARY: We shouldn’t be saying each others’ names. Forget the names, all right, kid? Forget the names.

CLERK: What names?

GARY: Gary and Debbie. Jesus, are you stupid, or what?

CLERK: I was forgetting them. I was showing you I was forgetting them.

(Debbie re-enters with some boxes)

GARY: What ya got?

DEBBIE: Not much. No wonder they went out of business. A case of Scotch tape, a coupla boxes of tampons—I can use those—and two things of beef jerky. We’re gettin’ rich.

GARY: Rich? On that shit? What’re ya talkin’ about?

DEBBIE: It was sarcasm. This sucks. We gotta do somethin’.

GARY: Like get outta here. Let’s go.

DEBBIE: Get the door. My hands are full.

GARY (exiting): Don’t call the cops. Please. It’s been a hard enough day for us.

(They exit)

CLERK: I can’t call the cops. There’s no phone any more. (Pause) This bites. I’m going home.

(Clerk puts headphones back on and exits; Gary and Debbie enter opposite)

GARY: So, okay, so what’ve we made this week?

DEBBIE: Seventy bucks.

GARY: Don’t forget the stuff.

DEBBIE: Oh, yeah, two boxes of tampons for personal use. I already broke open one on the way home. Two beef jerkies. You finished one of those on the way home. The other we might wanna save in case we get evicted and have to live under a bridge somewhere. And one giant case of Scotch tape. I don’t know, street value of what, maybe twenty dollars if we jack the price?

GARY: How much do we have in the bank?

DEBBIE: Well, we had fifty two bucks, but we withdrew ten bucks two times. That’s twenty. You got charged for bouncing that one check, so there’s another fifteen bucks. Then the monthly fees came in at seven-fifty, and the two ATM withdrawals at a dollar fifty each. That leaves us six-fifty and we have to keep a five dollar balance, so we can spend a buck fifty more. I don’t know, should we go out for dinner tonight? Wait, wait, wait—the only way we can get to that last buck fifty is by writing a check, which will cost 25 cents, so we really have a dollar twenty-five we’re good on. I guess dinner’s out.

GARY: Okay, so a dollar twenty-five and seventy cash and maybe twenty comin’ for the tape is how much?

DEBBIE: We’re not gettin’ anything for the tape. That’s ninety-one and a quarter, if we get twenty for the tape. If we can get anything for the tape. What we have is seventy-one twenty-five.

GARY: Damn, you’re smart. Howd’ya do that so fast?

DEBBIE: It’s a gift.

GARY: How much is rent again?

DEBBIE: Seven hundred and twenty-five dollars.

GARY: Jesus, for this place? There should be a law. That’s not right.

DEBBIE: No, it’s not. Ya say that every month.

GARY: So how much are we short?

DEBBIE: Ya say that every month too.

GARY: So how much? That was the question.

DEBBIE: On rent, a little over six hundred, between six and six-fifty. Of course if we wanna eat, that’ll take a couple more bucks.

GARY: Howd’d this happen? We used to be good. We used to be able to hit a place and live for months. Now we get donuts and stale coffee from some pimple-faced asshole who doesn’t give a shit about customer service. What’s going on?

DEBBIE: I don’t know. There’s no money to be had. And we didn’t used to be good. We used to be lucky.

GARY: Well, the rules are all changin’. It’s pissin’ me off. Everything’s changin’. We can hardly ever do banks anymore ‘cause they all got security cameras and security guards and fuckin’ exploding dye that leaves you red as a beet all week. Then anyone who sees you knows somethin’s up, but when they ask ya questions ya can’t answer ‘em. And now all the gas stations have security cameras and stupid kids that throw money into safes that they don’t know how to open. And no-one can do drive-aways anymore ‘cause a pre-pay. Fuckin’ department stores, forget it. Nobody uses cash no more. It’s all check and card. Credit, debit, don’t matter. It’s not money. You can’t steal numbers and buy a lunch.

DEBBIE: No, you can’t. It sucks.

(Pause)

GARY: That’d be funny, though. Here, I’ll give you an eight and a nine for a burger and pie, and you pull out these numbers and they hafta take ‘em. Like ya have a bunch of sixes and sevens in your pocket, ya know. That’s a funny image.

(Beat)

DEBBIE: Sometimes you’re really dumb.

GARY: I wish life was that simple.

DEBBIE: But it’s not. It’s nothin’ but a cycle of debt.

GARY: I wish we could just live in a cabin in the woods and howl with the wolves.

DEBBIE: The wolves’d charge us.

GARY: Which means we gotta keep workin’.

DEBBIE: Yeah, ‘fraid it does.

GARY: So we gotta pull another job somewhere. It’s all we know. How ‘bout the 24-7 store on Main and Seventh. There’s only ever one person there at a time. Usually just that one old guy.

DEBBIE: All right, grab your gear, let’s go. But we better get somethin’.

(They exit; a knock is heard; Danny enters opposite and crosses; a police officer is at the door)

DANNY: Hello.

OFFICER: Is your name Danny?

DANNY: Yeah, how’d ya know that?

OFFICER: I think that’s the name you gave when you called and asked for someone to come to this address.

DANNY: Oh, you’re the police?

OFFICER (pointing to his badge): Yes. How may I help you?

DANNY: So I don’t hafta give ya my name or nothin’, right?

OFFICER (pulling out a notebook): You already did, Danny. I have it here. You gave it when you called.

DANNY: The show said I could stay amona—anon—anomiss—uh—I don’ it was some word. I don’t know what it means, but it means I don’t hafta give my name. I mean I don’t know how to say it—anona—anona something—but I don’t hafta tell you who I am.

OFFICER: Right, but you already did. What show?

DANNY: The County’s Most Wanted.

OFFICER: So you’re reporting a crime that you know something about? Is that what I’m hearing?

DANNY: I didn’t do it. I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout it.

OFFICER: I’m a little confused.

DANNY: The bank robbery.

OFFICER: What bank robbery?
DANNY: The Union Bank. I didn’t have anything to do with it.

OFFICER: But you know something about it?

DANNY: Yeah, I know the name of the guy who did it.

OFFICER: That’s it?

DANNY: Don’t you wanna know?

OFFICER and DANNY: It’s Gary.

DANNY: How’d you know that?

OFFICER: I’m a cop. (Beat) Lucky guess. Anything else?

DANNY (noticing the officer’s gun): Is that a gun?

OFFICER: I’m a cop.

DANNY: Oh, yeah. Oh, so do you give me the reward, or do I hafta pick it up somewhere?

OFFICER: What reward?

DANNY: The thousand dollars. The T. V. said I’d get a thousand dollars for information.

OFFICER: Listen, Danny, I’m sorry to break this to you, but we can’t give you money for information we already have. We already know the male suspect’s name is Gary. That was mentioned on the show.

DANNY: So it wasn’t a lucky guess like you said?

OFFICER: No.

DANNY: So I don’t get the money?

OFFICER: Not for something we already know, no.

DANNY: I need the money.

OFFICER: Sorry.

DANNY: I wanted to help Gary and Debbie with their rent.

OFFICER: Who?

DANNY: Nothin’. I didn’t say nothin’.

OFFICER: I thought you just said a couple of names, and one of them was Gary.

DANNY: I thought I was gonna get the money.

OFFICER: We can’t pay you for something we already know.

DANNY: That’s not fair.

OFFICER: Sorry, not this time. Let us know if you have anything more. (Pause) Well, if that’s all, I guess I’ll be going. Thanks for trying to be a model citizen.

(He heads to the door)

DANNY: The girl’s name is Debbie.

OFFICER (stopping and turning): What girl?

DANNY: The girl with the guy at the bank. It’s Debbie.

OFFICER: That’s the name you said before. You know her?

DANNY: No, but her name’s Debbie. She’s Gary’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to tell you her name if I didn’t have to. I just want the money.

OFFICER: Why didn’t you want to tell me if you didn’t have to?

DANNY: She’d kill me.

OFFICER: So, you do know her?

DANNY: No, I was just givin’ you their names.

OFFICER: Why don’t you come with me down to the police station, so I can take a statement from you? I need to get this information down accurately for you to get any money out of this.

DANNY: I don’t have anything to tell ya. I don’t know nothin’.

OFFICER: Danny, you’ve already made it clear that you do know something. I really wouldn’t want to arrest you for aiding and abetting a criminal, but I may have to.

DANNY: But you’re not s’posed ta know me. I’m amon—amona—Fuck! I’m someone whose name can be not known.

OFFICER: Danny, I know your name. First and last. Is that pot-pourri?

DANNY: What?

OFFICER: In the basket. What is that?

DANNY: No, it’s not pot. It’s that red flower stuff that smells nice.

OFFICER: Okay. I know you know who the robbers are. I know you know more than you’re telling me. It’s against the law to withhold information on a crime. You’re obstructing a police investigation. You could face prison time for that. It doesn’t even matter if it’s your mother you’re protecting.

DANNY: She’s not my mother. She’s my sister.

(Long pause)

OFFICER: Danny, I’m not going to force you to go to the station with me. But you’ve now told me who the suspects are. There’s nothing left for you to tell. So you might as well come down to the station and fill out the paperwork. You might as well at least get the reward for helping out.

DANNY: I can still get the reward?

OFFICER: Once the two of them are arrested and convicted. Not until then. But this is critical information. It looks good. It looks like you’ll get the reward once they’re convicted and behind bars.

DANNY: I can’t narc on my sister. I don’t know nothin’. I’m not goin’ anywhere with you. I din’t tell ya any of what I just told ya.

OFFICER: I understand. Here’s my business card. If you change your mind, call. In the meantime you gave me plenty to work on. Thanks.

(Danny does not take the card)

DANNY: I don’t need the money that bad. I ain’t no Judas Priest. Get outta here. (The officer exits) Jesus, she is gonna kill me.

(Danny exits; an old clerk enters opposite; Gary and Debbie enter; Gary pulls out his gun; Debbie watches at the door)

GARY: Gimme all your money.